To think people are too quick to say LTB?

[Scotcheggsontoast]

Talking about in real life as well as online.

Don't get me wrong I know it's often the right thing to do.

But I think it's very easy to get swept up in the whole, you don't need him, life will be so much better without him etc etc..

But do you know what the grass isn't always greener, and when 3/4 years down the line you're still single, having to stay in every night as you're a single parent, friends are all busy in their own lives, ones that were very present in your life encouraging you to LTB have all but disappeared..

I know it's everyone's responsibility to make their own decisions, but especially when someone is at a vulnerable point in their lives (ie. just had a baby, in lockdown, etc etc) I think people should be a bit more careful about giving out all this advice about how you're life will be so much better without your partner.

At the point that someone's reaching out for advice, leaving is usually the best option. I'll never encourage someone to stay and work on a relationship that isn't making them happy.

It sounds like you're struggling at the moment and regretting leaving an ex partner. But do you really think you'd be happier right now if you'd stayed? You obviously left your ex for a reason.

It’s always better to be single than in a crap relationship with a dickhead.

I’m quite a few years post divorce. Single. I’ve had a few relationships but I’m single. Yes, friends are often busy, and I spend time alone.

I still think it is worth it. I’m so grateful I left. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, but he wasn’t truthful.

I like who I am far more now.

Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world.

But in a large number of the LTB posts on here, it’s clear that the woman undoubtedly would be better off single. Yea of course it’s super hard. Especially the couple of years after. But most women will say they are ultimately glad they did it and their life moves on more positively

Agree with a pp that by the time that you’re confiding, you’ve probably been enduring bad behaviour for a long time.
It does sound like you’re regretting splitting from your ex. Is it because you’re lonely for adult company or do you genuinely feel that you did the wrong thing ? Can you honestly say that you would be happy if you’d stuck with him? Remind yourself of how he behaved and how that made you feel. Being alone is far better than being with someone who made you feel like shit. It might be worth writing down specific incidents so you can read over it next time you wobble.

Yes I think on here people definitely say it too much. They also seem to become weirdly invested and take offence if the op doesn't decide to leave. There was a thread recently where the op dh had been having an emotional affair with a colleague. After about 500 responses she updated saying they'd made the decision to work on things and was given so much hate. People actively took the piss out of her and said she was a mug. Why would you be so annoyed that a stranger on the internet hasn't ripped her family apart just because you told them to? Weird.

Of course there are clearly many situations where leaving is the right thing to do but I do wonder if people would always be so quick to L their own B.

The rose coloured glasses usually come out when you've not found something to occupy your time since making the decision, and i purposefully dont say "find some one else", because its not just a person that can occupy your time, and after a split sometimes jumping into a new one is the worst thing to do... your mind plays tricks on you with the devil on your shoulder saying ah this is what you could have won... when you look back you generally only look to the good stuff, not the reasons why you left them in the first place...

When all said and done, a relationship is meant to enrich both your lives. Being with that person isn't meant to be difficult, not meant to tread on eggshells in case they erupt or kick off. That person is meant to bring out the best in you, and vice versa. Partnership, working together as a team. Not selfish, narcissistic, self absorbed or whatever was going on to make the seed of LTB grow...

Why stay with someone because they are better than your future boredom? You're not doing them any justice because you're staying so youre not alone on a boring Tuesday night. You need to work on your self and find other ways to tackle your boredom. Self reflection, stop the "shoulda, woulda, coulda", stop looking backwards, get a hobby, find an interest, do something positive or beneficial, read a book, learn something, anything rather than sitting there thinking your grass was greener. Even if it was, its gone now.. you are where you are, no one benefits by moving backwards.

I think it’s quite rare you see a thread where the majority are saying LTB and it isn’t justified to be honest. A lot of the time kids are involved.

Leaving the bastard when you have kids involved is also about not letting your kids learn life skills or personality from a man who is a lazy unhelpful fuckwit or is abusive.

Kids are like sponges and the less time spent around a shit partner/man the better.

YABU. Posters say LTB on the basis of the evidence presented to them about the relationship. They know it won't necessarily be plain sailing for the OP to actually leave, depending on their circumstances. The OP often doesn't explain their full circumstances. The 'LTB' is basiclally 'On the basis of what you've said about your partner, I personally think you should LTB if and when you are able to do so, even though it may be really hard'.

MN has been a massive eye-opener to me about the awful crap women tolerate from men in order to not be single.

You're saying as if being single 4/5 years down the line is a bad thing? It's not. I'm 15 years single and happier than I was in a relationship.

I'm quite quick to say LTB I'll admit, but I genuinely think many women are better off alone, many studies show that single women are happier. I think marriage benefits men more than it does women.

I think when it’s been an affair and the partner has been otherwise great, it’s entirely down to the woman if she can live with that.

To still be single after a few years is ok, maybe even the best thing to be.
yes single parenthood is brutal but letting the children see you in a bad relationship is worse imo

I’m 12 years single and wouldn’t change that for anything, I can’t imagine ever being in another relationship.

You imply there’s something wrong with being single. It’s the happiest Iv ever been. Stop stigmatising single parents we are not all lonely miserable & staying in all the time thank you very much. Stop transferring your own fears of being on your own to others- some people love it no matter how hard you find that to believe. You’re being narrow minded & judgmental.

Being single is a MUCH happier option than being stuck with some horrible prick because you are scared of being alone.

I’d be very surprised if anyone left a salvageable relationship because somebody on the internet told them to.

I’m with you! I think those chasing after the absolutely perfect partner are looking for unicorns. There will always be minor irritations when living with someone, and disagreements, different viewpoints…

I have to admit I find it quite funny when people post something like my husband farts too loudly and then the chorus of LTBs from mumsnet. No one is perfect and I think people don’t understand how hard a semi decent man is to find and then wonder why they are in a relationship again so quickly afterwards when you break up. There are way more decent women than men so you either have to share the good ones or accept not everyone is perfect because the sad thing is atm if you are a women you are twice as likely to be employed in England than if you are a man.

What's wrong with being single for 4-5 years? That isn't a bad thing, a woman doesn't always have to be in a relationship. Especially if it's an unhappy one and especially if children are involved.

There's also the possibility than in 4-5 years, if she doesn't want to be single that she's actually with someone who makes her happy.

Women should have high standards and shouldn't settle if they are unhappy, especially if the unhappiness involves useless men who don't do anything. Might as well be single anyway, I know I'd rather be single than live with some of the man children I see discussed on here.

On the basis of one thread, I agree. But I do find MN and other internet forums generally can get inside your head a bit when you spend a lot of time on them and for many of us with young children we do because it’s adult company of sorts. I have never contemplated leaving DH but I have found myself overreacting to small things because I know how they’d be received on here and I’ve had to remind myself it’s my life, not MNs.

I'd rather just be single than "settle" personally.

I've been a single parent and agree with this to a point. It's very peaceful and freeing being alone after a bad relationship.

However it can logistically be harder. And it's sometimes harder for the dc too - splitting their time, finances, emotionally etc. I'm not in the 'stay together for the kids' camp but I do think providing there's no abuse or cheating etc it's usually worth trying to work on things if it's fundamentally a good relationship. Whereas many MN posters would have people splitting their families up for leaving their socks on the floor.

An example - I once posted for advice about some incompatibility dh and I were having in our sex life. Cue loads of 'this won't improve, get rid' remarks. Some helpful advice too but lots of LTB. Thankfully they were all wrong, we worked on things and it improved massively.

I didn't see it. Someone from the outside will have a clarity and perception that often isn't there when you are inside the relationship. I can now see that I should have LTB years before we actually split. It would have saved me from a lot of abuse and trauma.

Being single is always going to be a better option than being in a poor relationship. Your life should be enriched by your partner. If they don't value and cherish you, why are you even with them?

I haven't seen anyone on here expect perfection. No one is perfect and of course minor irritations are a thing but when a man expects his partner to do all of the parenting, all of the cooking, all of the housework and has absolutely no respect for her at all?

Absolutely LTB. That isn't expecting perfection, that's expecting basic respect and partnership.

Your premise is that it’s better to be in a relationship, even if it is poor/you’re being treated badly/your partner is having an affair, etc. Those are the main reasons people say LTB. I’d rather be single every minute of every hour of every day than stay in a relationship that makes me so unhappy I feel compelled to ask the advice of strangers on the internet. I think, for most people who write in, they have reached their ‘cup on the counter’ moment and want to check they are reasonable in wanting things to change.

I’ve only ever said it to one friend in real life and I suspected she was in an abusive relationship (and I was right). On here, it is said frequently, but with good reason - the stories you read on here about awful partners are utterly mind boggling