To think people are too quick to say LTB?

[Scotcheggsontoast]

Talking about in real life as well as online.

Don't get me wrong I know it's often the right thing to do.

But I think it's very easy to get swept up in the whole, you don't need him, life will be so much better without him etc etc..

But do you know what the grass isn't always greener, and when 3/4 years down the line you're still single, having to stay in every night as you're a single parent, friends are all busy in their own lives, ones that were very present in your life encouraging you to LTB have all but disappeared..

I know it's everyone's responsibility to make their own decisions, but especially when someone is at a vulnerable point in their lives (ie. just had a baby, in lockdown, etc etc) I think people should be a bit more careful about giving out all this advice about how you're life will be so much better without your partner.

I kicked out my exH when I realised the dog was much better company.

They're loyal, kind and fun and also you'll meet people, like minded people whilst out walking.

I met new DH at work, but our first few dates were arranged to walk the dogs (he also had a dog) and this is how we bonded initially. The way he treated my dog also showed me what kind of person he was.

Before this though, it took a mind shift to accept, really accept that being single was OK, because for my entire life I'd been told that it wasn't OK and women needed a man. The moment I genuinely found peace, I met DH. I believe you can't truly find the right person until you're 100% happy with being yourself.

My friends all told me for years to LTB but I couldn’t see that life would be any better and definitely not interested in another man and did not want to leave my lovely garden that I so had nurtured for years. Also did not want to uproot teens. . Then I did leave (age 60😁) and life is immeasurably better! Am single but have lots of (female friends) a great job, lovely home (much smaller but fab location) and have never been happier. Get lots of male attention and v not averse to being in a relationship but it will be on my terms and not live-in.

i agree. Most of the time other than the odd ‘LTB over something innocuous loon’, the LTB are usually quite justifiable

I do find the instant default by some posters to “he’s having an affair” on literally no evidence bizarre. You know the ones where the OP says ‘my husband works from home, never goes out, spends all his down time gaming, we never talk
and never have sex’ and someone says “definitely having an affair”. I mean how???

YANBU, and I say that as someone who is perfectly happy being single. The reality is that for a lot of women, staying with a boring or mildly annoying husband is their best option either for financial reasons or family reasons it simply because they are not going to find a better relationship and would not be happy without a husband. On Mumsnet there is a tendency to suggest these women are short changing themselves, but I think for most it is a pragmatic decision and they would regret leaving, at least while their children are young.

People should not stay in awful relationships but it’s remiss to say they will find someone better. I am of an age where the majority of my friends and myself are all early fifties to early sixties. I have seen every permutation of relationship. I would say 50% are in really good relationships the other 50%, divorces, infidelity, gambling, alcoholism and domestic violence.

Humans are social animals, obviously some are more sociable than others. I prefer company and that’s the rub it’s not so much about romantic relationships it’s just relationships in general.

I think if inclined people who like company jump in to unsuitable relationships because they don’t like being alone.

Join a group doing something you like, I’m retired now so in loads of groups and classes. I’m in hiking groups and I go to a dance and watercolour class every week. I appreciate you are a single parent so not sure how that fits in with childcare but see you did date so assume you can sort out childcare.

There was one particularly bizarre thread where a woman thought her husband was cheating because she counted the condoms in the bedside drawer and there was one missing.

Quite apart from the fact that he’d have to be really unbelievably dense or incredibly penny pinching to take a condom from home rather than, you know, just buying some, this was the only “evidence.”

Cue dozens of posters saying “LTB he’s a piece of shit he’s OBVIOUSLY having an affair etc.”

OP pops up twenty pages later to say “I was looking in the wrong drawer”.

100%. The true loneliest place is in a dead end relationship.

Even if you’re a single parent, there’s co parenting and they grow up. You don’t have to stay home
forever, although I’m a homebody so
sounds like bliss to me.

Join some hobby groups? I sounds like you are relying on married friends to be your company, as opposed to going out and seeking new friends or new experiences.
Find a club you enjoy on the weekend so you are not lonely, join the local WI.
Also my dc are teens and can be fab company in the evenings. Not as possible with young children, but they will grow quick enough

Divorce and single, financially independent women are the sign of a good society for me.

Previously trapped in marriage or the requirement for marriage with no alternatives unless you inherited money meant women's lives were lived in the shadow of men.

Life is too short to spend a single day with someone once you are consistently unhappy. It isn't better for the kids either.

YABU. Most of the posts on here I’ve read have been from women scared of their partner, or being abused mentally, financially and even physically. If someone is feeling so worthless and turns to the internet for advice people will judge based on the information (which is never good) that we have been given. I would never suggest anyone stay in a miserable life just incase they’re still single in a few months or won’t get to life the life their accustomed to. Better to be single and happy.
It is ridiculous though when people suggest LTB because he brought home the wrong shampoo from the shop or stayed half hour extra at the pub

Totally agree op. It’s 7 years down the line and I’m still single not even had a date in that time as you can forget about dating I don’t get any time off to be able to date! I do think people are quick to say leave but it’s also not necessarily easier (it’s been no easier for me as I have the kids 24/7)

I left an abusive relationship with kids, was happy in my own 6 years then met my now hubby and happy as a lark

I think this place is commendably clear-eyed about marriage, but I do think it can occasionally be a bit starry-eyed about the benefits of singledom. Yes it’s better to be on your own than to be in an abusive relationship, but being single isn’t all some tremendously-empowering Samantha Jones fantasy. There’s a lot of dispiritingly sticking a ready meal in the microwave and wishing you had someone to watch The Traitors with, at least in my experience.

Or, to put it another way, its easier to be single alone than single in a relationship.

Most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes not.

And that's okay. It's totally normal to feel sad and reminisce about the good times sometimes. It'd be weird if you didn't.

It sounds like a lot of how you're feeling atm is down to friends letting you down, which is a separate issue to being single. And it sucks. It does get very tiring when you feel you're always the one having to make the effort.

How do other people cope / actively enjoy being single - suggestions very welcome please!!!

I find it relatively easy to enjoy being single, partially because my past relationships were so crap, partially because I'm just very introverted anyway. I have a lot of hobbies that keep me occupied, such as embroidery, learning languages, going out for walks in nature, all stuff that ends up taking a backseat when I'm in a relationship, so I really appreciate being able to be more selfish with my spare time when I'm single.

But I don't think anyone says it will be easy.

It's often overall easier than dealing with every day life and a bad relationship or a partner that makes life harder.

People suggest LTB for long term issues where the other person has no interest in changing things. They are usually making life very unhappy.

There's no promise it will be easy, but that it will be better most of the time.

But being in a shit relationship isn't easy and isn't better most of the time. Being in a shit relationship is just differently levels of shit, with moments of just OK.

On the contrary, people are too slow to say it.

So many excuses for male behaviour. So many times it's all about compromise but guess who does the most or all of the compromising?

How many times do women put up with husbands who keep their own money and expect their wives to survive on their maternity pay? How many male partners think housework and childcare are women's jobs? How many men have hobbies whilst women never have the time or money, or if they do the men don't like it?

And how many times do women seek help on here, are told that their husband/partner is unreasonable but have been brainwashed all their lives to not rock the boat, to #bekind, that they do nothing about it, and can only say but he's a good dad?

And finally, how many times do women come here, say they want to end a relationship but they don't have a reason so have plodded on unhappily because we collectively believe that unhappiness isn't a good enough one to leave?

More women need to leave. More women need to stop putting up with being unhappy, more women need to raise their confidence and self esteem levels. More women need to be told LTB.

'It sounds like a lot of how you're feeling atm is down to friends letting you down, which is a separate issue to being single. And it sucks. It does get very tiring when you feel you're always the one having to make the effort.'

That is a good point and something I also got upset about when in a relationship, but at least then I had DH to talk to about it, and not feel totally alone (although granted towards the end I felt extremely lonely when we had rows - probably worse then being single. But that wasn't all the time)

Will look into some more hobbies!

I also like walks in nature and do enjoy on my own, but was something me and Ex used to enjoy together so that just makes me a bit sad sometimes that he's not there.

Overall I think was right to leave, he turned out to be v lazy, no interested in earning money, drinking a lot and smoking weed. But I miss the good times and the friendship and company.

It just feels like being single is a failure in this society!!

The LTB threads on here fall into two categories IME

1. Poster is upset about something their DP has done and wonders AIBU. What DP has done is awful and it turns out DP regularly does awful things and treats OP like utter shit. Very clear LTB replies. OP is often in denial, maybe comes round, maybe doesn’t. Sometimes posts several more times with the same LTB response.

2. Poster has a perfectly ok marriage but is a bit bored. Not much sex, DP doesn’t like going out as much as OP or he has some irritating habits. Maybe OP is just in a bit of a mid life rut. Sometimes there is another bloke in the picture. In these cases the replies are split between LTB, YOLO, you deserve a great relationship, your kids will pick up on you being unhappy. Vs Stay and work on your marriage, grass isn’t always greener, maybe you need to work on yourself/your own life more.

For the second category I tend to be in the Stay camp. I agree that there are too many LTB replies and they aren’t realistic about the downsides of singledom.

In the first category the LTB is fully earned.

I have found MN interesting as it has made me more aware of things that I might have become a bit complacent to. Not just in my home life, but in the wider community.

But that said, I find some of the enraged reactions on here a bit extreme and often my reaction to something is "meh, doesn't bother me". But I don't post that as I would be jumped on. I stay out of those threads and let them develop in all their glory.

It can be a bit of an echo chamber, with all the "correct" responses trotted out. But real life is more nuanced and you have to respond in real life accordingly. But those nuances aren't necessarily clear from an OP, so I could envisage if someone keeps getting told the same thing on-line they will believe it, but not take on board that some of their own behaviours could be improved.

I agree with you OP, I'm always shocked on Mumsnet how quickly people say LTB about one mistake or example of bad behaviour. I saw one recently where the husband said he'd be home at 10pm, he got pissed and was out til 1am, but still did everything childcare related he'd promised to do the next day. The number of "LTB" posts calling him selfish and immature (despite her saying it was the first time) was ridiculous.
No forgiveness, no working together to resolve issues, no thinking of the future impact on kids - just leave him!

I think it's really hard to give an objective opinion based on 1 side of a story. I think sometimes it's obvious someone is miserable & could do better especially if abuse, violence etc is involved but I do think other times that one-off behaviours and worries could be worked on or it isn't that simple.
Speaking from my own experience you have to try and separate your own worries too from the other person. I've had chronic anxiety because of how I've been treated in the past and almost left my husband in the early days because of my own problems that I was projecting on to him. Thank goodness I didn't and came out the other side.

I think the problem is not the advice, which is often correct, but that realistic advice on actually doing so, what to expect next, and support following LTB is often not forthcoming from those advising to leave.
By the time they post I think the OP knows they should leave, but the reality of doing so, fear of the unknown and judgement from those they know and random MNetters stops them (based on personal experience).
I find warts and all stories from those on similar situations to be the most helpful. Often those on MN shouting 'LTB!' may be tight, but have no actual experience of the reality of doing so.

That last paragraph should read 'in similar situations' and 'may be right'. Can't edit on the app

I don’t agree.

By the time they have got to the stage of posting about this on Mumsnet most women are at the end of their rope. They know deep down something isn’t right but society assumes by default that staying together is always the goal no matter what. So this is what the default is.

Giving women licence to believe they have the power and the optionality to change is incredibly powerful.

No one leaves a stable and happy relationship because a couple of strangers said LTB. Staying put is always the easiest option which is why LTB is so liberating. It gives you the permission and the agency to consider it.

Interesting also that you say in your post that the risk is that you will be single after LTB. As if that’s the worst outcome. The whole point about LTB is that very often being single is the best outcome. It’s always better than a bad relationship.