To think people are too quick to say LTB?

[Scotcheggsontoast]

Talking about in real life as well as online.

Don't get me wrong I know it's often the right thing to do.

But I think it's very easy to get swept up in the whole, you don't need him, life will be so much better without him etc etc..

But do you know what the grass isn't always greener, and when 3/4 years down the line you're still single, having to stay in every night as you're a single parent, friends are all busy in their own lives, ones that were very present in your life encouraging you to LTB have all but disappeared..

I know it's everyone's responsibility to make their own decisions, but especially when someone is at a vulnerable point in their lives (ie. just had a baby, in lockdown, etc etc) I think people should be a bit more careful about giving out all this advice about how you're life will be so much better without your partner.

I agree OP. Especially the chorus of LTBs on the thread about a decent but quiet boyfriend meeting OP’s sister for the first time and not being able to act like a Prince Charming social butterfly.

I would LTB for what without hesitation. Why the fuck would anyone to tolerate that?

Why Is forgiving and excusing shit behaviour always seen as noble? In what universe is it better to accept that?

Yeah of course you would

What would Jesus do?
Even Jesus did some shit behaviour. Rampaging through a temple with a whip and assaulting traders. Knocking over their stalls. He would be sent down for common assault and vandalism today and MN would say LTB because a man who beats up traders is going to start on you next.

There have been studies which show women find the emotional side of an affair the most upsetting, whereas men are more bothered by the thoughts of someone else having sex with thier partner. I believe this is for biological/evolutionary reasons, not because of society.
There's also a major difference between a polyamorous relationship and a relationship where someone goes behind your back and betrays your trust.

I agree that saying LTB is easier said than done, and having children definitely makes it harder. There are some things which I think can be worked on and some things which are an automatic LTB for me though.

It's always a case of weighing up pros and cons. My last relationship was abusive so that was a no brainer (eventually! Took me longer than it should have to get out).

But the one before that was just bloody boring in the end! He had no real interests outside of the relationship and would get moody if I wanted to spend time on my hobbies. He'd moan about being bored but every suggestion I made was rejected. I lost all desire for him for several reasons. We did have nice chats sometimes and would go out for nice meals. But is that enough? I didn't think it was. So yes sometimes I miss having someone to chat to or eat out with as a couple. But I don't need all the crap that went with it. Now I can do my hobbies as much as I want, I don't have to look at someone's moody face, or try to entertain them or try and sleep through their snoring!

My life isn't perfect. I get bored and/or lonely sometimes. But on balance its far better single than in the relationships I've had. I think whenever you question whether you did the right thing, you have to remember all the negatives, not the positives. And focus on the positives in your life now, not the negatives.

I would and I did. I literally LTB. And if you don't believe me I literally couldn't give a flying fuck.

There's not enough LTB in real life.
A colleague has a shitty relationship but I don't know her well enough to blow her life apart. She doesn't have much money and is stuck.

You left your partner because he came home drunk later than planned ONE time? Ok…

Me too.

No interest in a relationship with someone who thinks that is acceptable, one time is one time too many.

Again, it isn't about expecting perfection, it's about expecting basic respect.

Presumably this also goes the other way, yeah?

If you fuck up one time it’s reasonable for him to chuck you.

Of course.

It's hardly difficult to say you'll be back at 10pm and then do it, excluding any emergencies.

Tend to agree, OP.

Posts on MN, or relationship complaints to a friend, are often a snapshot of a relationship framed in a one-sided and limited viewpoint. You are unlikely to go into all the intricacies of a relationship, the years-long history of the partnership. Even if you did, nobody can truly know what goes on inside someone else's relationship. Some people minimise their own contribution to problems and/or not even realise they bring their own shortcomings.

Obviously I'm not talking about abuse or DV. But in situations where the wife is being advised to LTB over generally poor behaviour or one off instances of being let down, it's pretty daft to jump to blowing up the relationship. Strangers on MN, and friends, generally have no idea what's gone on up until that point, limited context, and little imagination.

I see most of the LTB posts similarly to online reviews. You could use a reliable company for deliveries every week and never leave a good review; but as soon as things go wrong you're far more likely to provide feedback and leave a bad review to be heard. A lot of the time it is venting, therapeutic to have an outlet and confirmation that you have a right to be angry. But it's pretty naive and irresponsible to advise breaking up based on a limited interpretation of someone's situation.

Ooh. Okay this is interesting.

So what, if you don’t mind me asking, is the most minor infraction you’d leave a partner for?

(Trying to think of relatively minor things)

Forgetting your birthday? Or anniversary?

Swearing at you?

Leaving the loo seat up?

I agree with you OP, I'm always shocked on Mumsnet how quickly people say LTB about one mistake or example of bad behaviour.

It's never one mistake though, is it? The OP is often asking about one specific incident, but it's usually obvious from her posts that it's more than just that. It's not the incident itself, it's what it (and the other behaviour hinted at) says about what kind of man he is.

No I don’t think so.
Sometimes the behaviour is the last in a long line of bits of terrible behaviour, indicative of a dreadful attitude or personality.
Sometimes it seems to be a genuine out of character one off.

The LTBs come out for both of these. There’s zero nuance.

I'm not sure if I can answer since we have different definitions of 'minor' if you deem a partner swearing at you to be minor.

I don't think it's particularly interesting to expect to be respected in a relationship. If a partner isn't respectful, what's the point in wasting my time? Not to mention potentially bringing children into it. No thanks.

Ooh. Okay this is interesting.

So what, if you don’t mind me asking, is the most minor infraction you’d leave a partner for?

It probably depends a bit on the stage in the relationship too though. One out-of-character incident after 25 years of marriage vs the same incident but 6 months into a relationship- potentially a different kettle of fish (depending on the seriousness of the incident).

I was told to stay. I'd never amount to anything alone, my life would be terrible and lonely.

I've never been happier, been single 11 years, carved out a career and living my best life.

And I know women in the same situation, rubbish life previous to separation, now much happier.

I agree with you. Mumsnet is probably the worst place for relationship advice though. Most commenters can't think of anything to say other than LTB.

Being in a couple isn’t the goal of life you know? I’m single 5 years post separation. Never even dated. Have no interest in it. I am perfectly happy spending my social life with my friends.

Break ups are ghastly, expensive, embarrassing and wildly inconvenient. But it's short term pain for long term gain.

I mean if you've been unhappy and moaning to friends for years then in that same time you could have re established yourself and be in a strong position. As I say internally every time my best friend tells me the latest from her waste of space husband.

I've never seen LTB on here for a genuinely loving, respectful partner and brilliant father who fkd up once and sincerely apologised. Unless by fk up you mean slept with someone else, which many people couldn't move past.

But do you not miss having someone that you can spend time with by default, rather than constantly having to make plans and arrangements?

@WinterSnowFox

You left your partner because he came home drunk later than planned ONE time? Ok…

I left my husband because he came home drunk later than planned loads of times. (Among other things).

But to answer your question if someone came home pissed three hours past deadline I would consider that a fuck you and a major breach of trust. And I wouldn’t hesitate to leave someone who was capable of doing that. And yes if I did the same I would expect similar.

I just don’t understand what the upside is to being with someone whom you can’t trust to not be arse. In every such situation you are better off alone so what are the grounds for tolerating it? I mean yes theoretically it could be a one off but what is the benefit to you of waiting around to find out? It’s a bit like leaving your house unlocked, getting burgled and then saying to yourself “oh I think I will give it another go.” It’s literally asking for trouble.