To worry about the impact of my DF leaving significant sums to DD in his will?

[PistachioIceCreamLover]

I have quite a complex relationship with my dad - we are very close in that he’s pretty much raised me since my teens (when my mum died), I tell him a lot and wouldn’t say I have many secrets, he shares a lot with me too, visit him often (maybe for 1 week per month), we call every day, he says that my DD (2yo) and I are the only people in the world he actually cares about. He is quite wealthy, think millions of dollars. He’s also an incredibly cynical man, divorced my mum, dated a lot of women since and is cynical about relationships, also has friends who are high net worth and through his own life he’s seen that people will do anything for money - kill, marry, divorce and anything in between. He heavily financially supports me, ie has bought me a house that me, DH and DD live in now, gives me thousands of pounds to spend as a wish every year, buys jewellery and expensive gifts, invites me on luxury holidays with my DD (DH often can’t come as he works and has limited leave)

He has never liked a boyfriend of mine, they’ve never been “good enough” to be with his little girl. When I got engaged to DH you could tell he was jealous: I had to get DH to sign a very harsh pre nup, my dad still made comments to me like “you know it’s never too late to change your mind, even the day before the wedding”, “you’re settling” etc (not to DH’s face!). For context my DH is my age, has a decent job in finance, caring, we wanted the same things. We’d been together for 5 years so not a rushed decision. For my dad he isn’t wealthy enough, isn’t smart enough for me, and the main issue is that he will always put himself above me (not proven by any of his actions, just my dads cynical view of humans and marriages)

Recently, i think out of dislike for my DH and fear thqt i divorce and somehow lose assets despite pre-nup, or I'm too soft and give DH money or an expensive present which he runs away with, or I die and my will isnt properly in place so DH gets it then remarried and my DD is deprived, he has decided to leave most of his assets to my DD. Lucky DD except… my concern is that this money falls on a teenager or girl in her early 20s (DF in his early 70s so it wouldn’t be unheard of to pass away in the next 15-20 years). This could prevent her getting an education if she thinks “ah I’ll never need to work” or she gets into drugs if money is no object etc. How do I get this through to my dad? Or how do I stop this happening to my DD? He doesn’t normally take comments regarding finances from me well and is likely to say something like “you just want all cash for yourself” or “my money so I’ll choose what to do with it”. I don’t care about the money, I care about the impact on my daughter’s life!

It sounds like he hasn't made a Will yet anyway to me. Or his current Will leaves it tk you.

If he was making a Will leaving it to her his lawyer would advise him to leave it in a way that was split between all grandchildren now and yet to be born by the date of his death.

I think he is obsessed with people trying to get his money including your husband (and therefore you) hence wanting to leave it to her.

By the same token you seem obsessed that she will spaff it all up the wall when she is 2. In the UK and I believe the position is the same there if she is under 18 it is automatically held in trust for her and can be used for maintenance or education. Many amend their wills to extend this to 25.

He should seek legal advice as to how he can leave this money.

In the meantime assume your 2 year old daughter isn't an aspiring junkie.

I work in trust and if he had that sort of money he would be best placed putting it in trust for his grandchildren and he could even have for future generations. The terms of the trust deed and letter of wishes can record when he would like funds distributed to the children. He can even have a Protector appointed (close friend/ family member) that the trustees would have to seek approval from for certain actions.
Our trustee is a regulated entity and we have to abide by the trust law along with our policies and procedures.
In fact if he does have that sort of money he should have a full financial health check and obtain advice on how best to manage his money for future generations.

Someone financially savvy enough to amass millions, yet ‘doesn’t believe in trusts’.

Mmmhmm.

Re the prenup. The exact same situation re you dying and your DH getting the money and then remarrying and dying himself could happen to your DD too.

She could marry, die and her DH could remarry and the money would go out of the blood family if he then died.

I think that you need to pick your battles. His money is his to do as he likes, he may very well change his mind.

I don’t think that you are giving enough credit to your parenting. The values that you impart will shape your DDs attitude to any inheritance she receives. No child is going to grow up lazy and unwilling to work if they are taught to work hard to develop their passions, and be resilient in the face of difficult or boring tasks. The only people I know well with that kind of money are lovely, they were able to pursue fairly low paying careers in development charities because they didn’t have to worry about pay.

You can’t control your DD and what he chooses to do with his money. Whilst I agree with all you say it sounds as though he will do what he wishes anyway.

therefore you need to focus on raising your child(ren) in a way that prepares them for receiving this large sum of money. You can give them all the tools to deal with is wisely. There is no guarantee that’s what they will do but your control in this situation is limited

Skipping a generation is generally a good thing, it's more tax efficient and as long as you are comfortable why not. However beyond a trust there really isn't an option. Perhaps there is a way to set up a complex will that stipulates the money will be held by you, should something happen to your dad prior to child or children reaching 25 or whatever age.

I have no idea if that's possible, however we are a family whom trusts are very familiar so I don't really understand your father's concerns.

Your father sounds money obsessed and controlling using his wealth to bring you away from your relationship....visiting one week a month lots of holidays without your husband etc. he rates people by how he is himself

Trusts can be problematic.

Quite a lot of people amass a reasonable amount of wealth later in life through selling companies etc and not all of them want to set up trusts for the money to pass down. There are ongoing running costs.

OP's family do appear to be very wealthy but trusts can be expensive and open the door to family disagreements. In particular about education etc - if the child wants to do a different degree to the one the trustee thinks is right for them etc....

Does he actually understand how trusts work? They need 2 trustees and he can choose who they are. You can be one of them. My kids trusts if I die are for when they’re 25 and they state what the money can be released for prior to that which is namely education and housing. A monthly reason lu low amount can be released for living expenses whilst they are in FT education

the other way you can manage this if she does receive a lump sum is to ensure that the money is invested properly for long term returns such as ten years. Keeping a small amount of cash then ensures she doesn’t spend a lump sum. This should be done through a decent wealth manager. Whilst you don’t in theory have the right to withhold her money you can go a very long way to ensure it is protected.

My kids eachhave a decent 6 fig inheritance and 2 are over 18. They could access it but I simply told them it’s for a house deposit and I haven’t given them the account details. Not an issue

Try not to worry about it.

Chances are that he'll meet somebody over the next twenty years and remarry. Then you won't have the problem of your kid inheriting all grandpa's money.

But the more kids thing IS still an issue. If he gets run over by a truck tomorrow, you will have one child who has a fortune and subsequent children won't. Or will you stick at one rather than avoid this unfairness?

He sounds to be living proof that money doesn't buy you happiness. Loads of cash and too paranoid to form positive relationships.

And pretty illogical with it - all this fear of your husband who he seems to generally like, but he could leave it to your dd who then gets married to an arsehole at 20 and loses lots of it in a divorce shortly after....

Your dads views on money, which are mostly true, coupled his obsessiveness makes me wonder what he has had to do for his money.

And what if he dies before he amends?

That is why any sensible will writer would word it as "to be divided between any surviving grandchildren" rather than naming the only current grandchild.

You dad doesn't sound very well informed about finances, how did he make all this money?

Honestly, I'd just drop it.

The nasty comments about your DH and general cynicism seem more like taunts than a genuine dialogue. I'd ignore them the same way I ignore a toddler chanting "you can't catch me nyah nyah nyah."

How about when old enough expose DD to charity work, how to manage money - anything that would help living a healthy productive life with that level of money. I think that's the best you can do. If privately educating then pick a school with active community work, a range of families, etc.

@Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride lived across many countries. I grew up in the U.K. but previously my dad lived / earned most of his funds where it's counted in dollars

He wont be doing anything for her that he doesnt do for you. I'm not saying this from a jealous point of view, but you get given lots of money, gifts and holidays and you spend those gifts as you see fit.

The problem is that you're worried she wont spend it well or responsibly.

You could reject your dads gifts and holidays now and explain that yu cant afford to do it on your own terms and dont want bring DD up in a lifestyle you cant guarantee you can fund.

I wouldnt directly say this next bit but if he popped his clogs tomorrow all the holidays and extravagant purchases from his money would stop because you dint have access to the sort if money to offer it. So she would have a big lifestyle adjustment.

I agree with this, can you specify a certain amount to be set aside for a house and the upkeep?

You may not like to hear it right now, but he is right about people changing when money is involved. Sad but true.

Skipping a generation is common.

It sounds like your dad has been very generous and has set you up for life, including your day to day living standards.

It is also a very generous gesture that he intends to directly set up your DC for life too.

Work with him on this rather than against him, as either way, it is still in your best interests.

Best wishes and hope you find a way to make peace with his approach, even if you would have preferred it another way.

I think maybe you are worried that an inheritance too young can take away the drive for a young person to succeed in their own right… if they have a huge amount of money in the bank the impetus to get a job, climb the ladder is reduced. Also it can impact friendships- are the friends because your dd is fabulous in her own right or because of the money. Same with a life partner

maybe explain these worries to your dad, and say that if dd meets a man he also doesn’t like with no reason, what happens then? What if he’s gone and dd hooks up with a free loader, you can’t protect her. Then discuss trust’s again.

also I’d revisit his attitude to dh, and tell him he’s being a judgemental twat and if dh was a cockloger then where is his proof… but then that’s me as I would find his attitude unreasonable and I could not let this lie……

Trust your daughter, she could get into trouble because she doesn't have any money. It's up to you to bring her up knowing the value of money and how lucky she is to have some.

She will be able to pay for university herself and not end up in debt, and if it is really big money she will be able to buy a house outright and be independent. I don't really see many downsides.

Edit: What's so great about climbing the ladder and spending your life stressed about the next promotion?

I've known plenty of kids who have had a lot of money young who haven't squandered any of it. My kids are in that position and are all hard working responsible members of society with good jobs. Having extra money has, if anything, made them more responsible.

I agree with your Dad about trusts. They are expensive to run. If your daughter is likely to be a druggy waste of space at 18 then why would she change when she is older.

You say that he spends thousands on you, takes you away and has bought you a house. You mentioned all you have yourself before your daughter being left the money. It reads to me that you expected to inherit most of it but have now been told differently. You may not realise it, but you sound jealous of your daughters potential future wealth.
Its very odd to me that anyone would jump to the conclusion that their child would fall into drugs. That wouldn't even cross my mind personally. I feel like you're trying to find reasons why she shouldn't have it but you should.
You may not even realise you're doing it. I know you say you don't care about the money but you must. You have grown accustomed to receiving the benefits of your father being rich. If he was to leave it all to your daughter you'd lose all that you're used to.
There's no shame in being surpised or even upset. Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes when it comes to inheritance. But even if people don't like to admit it, it is ok to be upset that a parent can leave you money and or possessions and chooses not to (I won't inherit so I'll never have this problem).
But this isn't your daughters fault. Dont pre judge her future self and decide she doesn't deserve it or that she'll ruin her life. Have more faith in her than that. All you can do is guide her right and I'm sure she'll be fine.

Future children are an issue. He won't necessarily be able to just write them in later. He might already be dead or have dementia so he can't rewrite his will. A trust can be set up to ensure any of your descendants can benefit from it.

Say if he died when you were pregnant but hadn't yet told him? What about if you have an unexpected late pregnancy when you are in your 40s and he doesn't have capacity to change his will? As a parent you will want to try to ensure that any of your current or future children are treated equally.