To worry about the impact of my DF leaving significant sums to DD in his will?

[PistachioIceCreamLover]

I have quite a complex relationship with my dad - we are very close in that he’s pretty much raised me since my teens (when my mum died), I tell him a lot and wouldn’t say I have many secrets, he shares a lot with me too, visit him often (maybe for 1 week per month), we call every day, he says that my DD (2yo) and I are the only people in the world he actually cares about. He is quite wealthy, think millions of dollars. He’s also an incredibly cynical man, divorced my mum, dated a lot of women since and is cynical about relationships, also has friends who are high net worth and through his own life he’s seen that people will do anything for money - kill, marry, divorce and anything in between. He heavily financially supports me, ie has bought me a house that me, DH and DD live in now, gives me thousands of pounds to spend as a wish every year, buys jewellery and expensive gifts, invites me on luxury holidays with my DD (DH often can’t come as he works and has limited leave)

He has never liked a boyfriend of mine, they’ve never been “good enough” to be with his little girl. When I got engaged to DH you could tell he was jealous: I had to get DH to sign a very harsh pre nup, my dad still made comments to me like “you know it’s never too late to change your mind, even the day before the wedding”, “you’re settling” etc (not to DH’s face!). For context my DH is my age, has a decent job in finance, caring, we wanted the same things. We’d been together for 5 years so not a rushed decision. For my dad he isn’t wealthy enough, isn’t smart enough for me, and the main issue is that he will always put himself above me (not proven by any of his actions, just my dads cynical view of humans and marriages)

Recently, i think out of dislike for my DH and fear thqt i divorce and somehow lose assets despite pre-nup, or I'm too soft and give DH money or an expensive present which he runs away with, or I die and my will isnt properly in place so DH gets it then remarried and my DD is deprived, he has decided to leave most of his assets to my DD. Lucky DD except… my concern is that this money falls on a teenager or girl in her early 20s (DF in his early 70s so it wouldn’t be unheard of to pass away in the next 15-20 years). This could prevent her getting an education if she thinks “ah I’ll never need to work” or she gets into drugs if money is no object etc. How do I get this through to my dad? Or how do I stop this happening to my DD? He doesn’t normally take comments regarding finances from me well and is likely to say something like “you just want all cash for yourself” or “my money so I’ll choose what to do with it”. I don’t care about the money, I care about the impact on my daughter’s life!

How did he manage to amass so many millions of pounds (or was it dollars?) and not be financially savvy enough to have faith in financial trusts?

Assuming you are in the UK he's right to doubt your prenup as courts will overrule them if it would leave the parties unfairly unequal.

I would concentrate on ensuring that any subsequent children can also benefit, he could die, as indeed we all could, at any time and you might have another child later in life either with your dh or someone else. It would be good if they all have the same opportunities.

I would also try to teach your dd the value of money. Learning to save pocket money towards a toy, looking in charity shops, volunteering when she is a teen. Having the expectation that she gets a part time job. Saving the inheritance for education, housing, children. Appealing to his vanity and supporting subsequent generations sounds like a good plan.

Two things:

1. He may not like trusts but if he leaves a vast sum to your DD in his will and dies before she reaches maturity, my understanding is that an automatic trust is set up. Probably administered by his executor. He needs to get legal advice on this as it is therefore not possible to just avoid any type of trust for a minor child. He needs to give it proper thought.

1. Why does he think it's less of a risk that an 18 year old girl will be manipulated and tricked out of her money than you? She could marry at 18 without a prenup and that's that. You already have a prenup in place.

He sounds very illogical.

Honestly? He sounds like a toxic, manipulative, unpleasant arsehole who uses his money to control those around him, and isn’t someone I would want around my children.
I would be looking to step way back from this dynamic, but assuming that’s not what you want I’d be telling him you’re not interested in discussing his money.
and if this was a woman posting about how her MIL had demanded he get a prenup, had told him that he could change his mind the day before the wedding, and that she was leaving all her money to the gc to stop her getting her hands on it, people would tell her that she had a DH problem, and that if he allowed her to be treated like this to re-evaluate the relationship as he would never put her first.
You need to start prioritising your DH over this horrible man. Him and your dd need to be your priority now.

I wouldn’t like it but it’s up to him.
Does he think he’s bought her now? Your relationship seems to be based on his desires not your own. E.g. the prenup.
I would develop some space for your own family - decide on holidays together. I’d be concerned your father is going to use his gifts and possibility of inheritance to spoil your daughter now.
Your family set up seems damaging to me; money shouldn’t be the focus.

Personally, I agree with your dad. That aside, he can leave his money to whomever he wants and I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. At the end of the day, you can't control a single aspect of this (your dad leaving your DD money and how your DD spends it), so I think it's foolish to fall out with your dad over it. All you can do is raise your DD to be sensible, have financial awareness, discuss news and local/global issues with her. Some people do go off the rails given a sudden amount of money, but you're acting like it's a foregone conclusion this will definitely be the way your DD reacts.

To be fair it is quite common for children of the first marriage to lose out if one party dies and the other remarries and has more children
Most couples rely on the survivor doing the right thing ,often they don’t

You could point out to your Dad that if he leaves money to your DD and she sadly died without a will or before 18 your DH will inherit half of it even if you had divorced.

it might make him rethink that even based on his own concerns a trust might be a better plan.

I know a very HNW family where this happened.

He needs to leave it in trust for her to get once she reaches a certain age. That’s what my dad did with my niece. I’m a trustee and in fact, in agreement with her mother, we haven’t even told her about the money yet.

Could a will say that a sum of money is left to your DD if at the time of death her age is above say 30, in the event that is not the case an alternative?

Though I think the presumption that if your DD is younger it will be spent in a frivolous way is unreasonable.

I had to get DH to sign a very harsh pre nup

Well, no, you didn’t have to do this. You did it because you wanted his money and the lifestyle it brings - He heavily financially supports me, ie has bought me a house that me, DH and DD live in now, gives me thousands of pounds to spend as a wish every year, buys jewellery and expensive gifts, invites me on luxury holidays with my DD.

You let him call the shots instead of standing on your own two feet and making your own way in the world. And he will continue to call the shots as long as they’re about his money. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Raise your children to have self respect, interests, and goals in life.

He can do what he wants in his Will, if your daughter is a minor when he passes you could just ‘forget’ to tell her about the money until you think she’s sensible enough to handle it, just put it in an account and leave it there.

@wanttogetadvice his view is "I'll accept advice from people but ultimately decide myself" so he's had lawyers advising him about trusts but he's decided that it's not a good idea.
If I have more kids it's not an issue because he would amend the will as kids are born

The OP is trying to protect her daughter from the potentially corrosive effect of money.

I would not call that “running to his every call”

He's right for it to go straight to dd to stop the aforementioned possibility of your DH getting it and disinheriting your dd.

But he should put it in trust until she's 25. Just leave sums for education/ car and house deposit.

Your point 2 is a VERY good argument for the OP to use to try to get him to reconsider about using a trust.

You sound quite controlling yourself OP.
When my sister died, her husband, who inherited everything, remarried very soon after and my nieces didn’t get anything. Her husband died not long after, and the stepmother has all my sister’s money (her life insurance paid the mortgage off on the house) leaving my nieces with nothing.
Your father is right to leave his estate to his grandchildren.
You have very little faith in your own child if you believe she would live a life of drugs and debauchery on receipt of her inheritance!

@MayThe4th my DH obviously doesn't know about any of the things said. He's treated fine to his face, the pre nup is tight but all it essentially says is that nothing I came into the marriage with or gain as inheritance (including house) would ever be his, the things like "you can change your mind" were said to me in private. He also doesn't know about plans to leave inheritance to my DD, that was also discussed only privately with me. My DH actually likes my dad, they have a laugh together etc.

@Soontobe60 mainly because I've also grown up around kids of very wealthy families and know quite a few examples (not everyone obviously!) when kids with large handouts spent it on drugs and alcohol, dropped out of education because "what's the point"

The big issue for me if he left everything to DD would be - what if you have more children? Either accidentally or intentionally.

@LlynTegid I know enough examples of kids who got handouts young (whether that's from living parents or inheritance) and spent it in alcohol and drugs or quit education because "there's no point"

Talk to him about how he learned to manage money, and what skills dd would need to handle that wealth, especially at a young age. Does he have people that he would trust to advise her well and not take advantage. What advice would he give to her about the problems money attracts?

Don’t take a confrontational tone - it sounds like your df thrives on opposition. Get curious with him - if he drops his guard enough to talk about his own experiences with wealth, it might start to occur to him that this is a poisoned chalice he’s passing on to his gc.

Keep him talking, “and what else?” is a great phrase.

He’s not going to your advice so don’t waste your breath. But generally if people get to say whatever stupid, ill informed nonsense is taking up their brain space, they’ll eventually find their way back to common sense.

It's entirely sensible to have a pre-nup if you have significantly more assets than the other person- I wouldn't have even got married to be honest; but i suppose as the money came easy to you ie you didn't earn it perhaps you don't see the value of it particularly. If you didn't like his interference with you and your DH you could have refused his financial support and bought your own property etc, no?

It's ultimately up to him what he does isn't it, I'm not sure if you did interfere and persuade him to not leave it to her she would ever forgive you, also his reasoning is sensible. A trust would of course be the best course of action but I think you need to accept this is what he's doing and ways you can support your DD when she gets the money. I mean you've been gifted a lot and not become a heroine addict of the like have you?

I see you said he'd amend the will if you have more children, but what if they are born after he dies?

Our will says assets "divided equally between all surviving children" or something like that.