To worry about the impact of my DF leaving significant sums to DD in his will?

[PistachioIceCreamLover]

I have quite a complex relationship with my dad - we are very close in that he’s pretty much raised me since my teens (when my mum died), I tell him a lot and wouldn’t say I have many secrets, he shares a lot with me too, visit him often (maybe for 1 week per month), we call every day, he says that my DD (2yo) and I are the only people in the world he actually cares about. He is quite wealthy, think millions of dollars. He’s also an incredibly cynical man, divorced my mum, dated a lot of women since and is cynical about relationships, also has friends who are high net worth and through his own life he’s seen that people will do anything for money - kill, marry, divorce and anything in between. He heavily financially supports me, ie has bought me a house that me, DH and DD live in now, gives me thousands of pounds to spend as a wish every year, buys jewellery and expensive gifts, invites me on luxury holidays with my DD (DH often can’t come as he works and has limited leave)

He has never liked a boyfriend of mine, they’ve never been “good enough” to be with his little girl. When I got engaged to DH you could tell he was jealous: I had to get DH to sign a very harsh pre nup, my dad still made comments to me like “you know it’s never too late to change your mind, even the day before the wedding”, “you’re settling” etc (not to DH’s face!). For context my DH is my age, has a decent job in finance, caring, we wanted the same things. We’d been together for 5 years so not a rushed decision. For my dad he isn’t wealthy enough, isn’t smart enough for me, and the main issue is that he will always put himself above me (not proven by any of his actions, just my dads cynical view of humans and marriages)

Recently, i think out of dislike for my DH and fear thqt i divorce and somehow lose assets despite pre-nup, or I'm too soft and give DH money or an expensive present which he runs away with, or I die and my will isnt properly in place so DH gets it then remarried and my DD is deprived, he has decided to leave most of his assets to my DD. Lucky DD except… my concern is that this money falls on a teenager or girl in her early 20s (DF in his early 70s so it wouldn’t be unheard of to pass away in the next 15-20 years). This could prevent her getting an education if she thinks “ah I’ll never need to work” or she gets into drugs if money is no object etc. How do I get this through to my dad? Or how do I stop this happening to my DD? He doesn’t normally take comments regarding finances from me well and is likely to say something like “you just want all cash for yourself” or “my money so I’ll choose what to do with it”. I don’t care about the money, I care about the impact on my daughter’s life!

Can’t he put it in a trust for her?

Ask him to put it in trust until she is 21.

Just to add, he's always encouraged me to get married and have kids so this dislike for DH (who is genuinely great, we have a laugh together every single day, we're aligned in our goals in that we both want kids and kids are our priority, he has been extremely supportive in motherhood and has shared responsibilities as much as possible, he's got my back, good sense of humour, kind, considerate, has never raised his voice at me, affectionate, I could go on).

And DF is very defensive with any confrontation. So say I said something like "you're a bit harsh to DH, no?" it would be "me?! I'm harsh? I host him in my house regularly, serve him the best food, invite him on holidays and I'm harsh?! Your hormones are playing up now, you and DH are both unreasonable and ungrateful"

@Strictly1 @Copperoliverbear he looked into trusts and doesn't like the way they work ie someone else holds your funds and they don't act in DD's interests, they'll do everything to get the highest commission.

(That's his words)

So he's completely against trusts

Trust until 25 or even 30 is good, you’ve started to realise the value of money then.

The obvious answer is a trust. Wealthy families have done this to prevent callow teens and early twentysomethings from blowing it all since time immemorial. Hence the existence of the phrase "trust fund baby". It can be set up so she can't access it until she's 25/30/whatever age desired or otherwise restricted.

I think its up to your Dad. I cant see someone turning to drugs just because they have money! Bring her up right and with money she will make it work for her, put it into business, share it with family, buy properties and so on. My children are around 18 and so focused on getting an education and careers they would piss themselves given that kind of money and always talk about the type of business they'd run if they could finance it.

Can you not try instill values in your daughter that means she will do better than inherit and blow it all on drugs?!

Your dad sounds a bit money obsessed, and it seems you have inherited some of that from him. You're also jumping way ahead into you're dead, your DH is remarried and the wicked stepmother has sent your daughter to live alone in the woods.

Maybe concentrate on your own little family. Bring your daughter up to be caring and kind. You can't predict the future, but you can give your daughter tools to survive whatever life brings her way.

Okay. Well, he's a sad, suspicious, grasping, damaged man and that is sad for him. You can't fix that. All you can do is raise your DD as best you can and let the chips fall where they may. Or tell him you only want a certain fixed sum and get him to leave the rest to charity. It's not exactly made him happy and healthy, has it?

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre You're also jumping way ahead into, your dead, your DH is remarried and the wicked stepmother has sent your daughter to live alone in the woods.

I am not saying any of that. My dad assumes this because "people will do anything for money, all morals will fly out of the window when people try to get their hands on money". It's not something I can argue with because his response is "ah well that tells me you've not yet gained life experience. When you see enough of the world you'll have the same view as me"

He's given you loads of money and a house and you're not on drugs, are you? Raise your kid with common sense and there's no reason she'll go downhill just because of the money. Paul McCartney is loaded but his kids went to normal schools and were encouraged to keep their feet on the ground. Have some faith in your DD and guide her as she grows up. She could end up on drugs if she had no money if that was her inclination.

I would stop discussing it altogether. He could decide to leave it all to a charity, he could get married again, anything. Just get on with your life and bring your daughter up to not rely on someone else's money. You only have to read some of the inheritance threads on here to see how quickly and how often things change.

I think you view it as a great gift and a great privilege, and you prepare your daughter as appropriate but without actually telling her because there are no guarantees this will actually happen.

I don't subscribe to the idea that paid employment is necessary to learn gratitude or respect or responsibility or any of the other characteristics that people tend to believe an individual is likely to lack if they are wealthy enough to never work. Paid work is a very modern concept in the human experience. It's not what we're made for.

Make sure your daughter understands the importance of education outside of its potential to increase earning power. Make sure she understands the importance of having goals and a purpose outside of paid work. Make sure she has strong values and ethics that aren't solely linked to her potential future career, but carried through all the threads of her life. Make sure she views work as just one facet of life, not the only one or the most meaningful one or even one that's necessarily tied up in her identity.

As for the worry about spending it on drugs etc, I think you could reasonably say to your dad that whilst this is an amazing thing for your daughter and you are grateful, she will need a mature head on her shoulders in order to be safe and therefore it is in her best interests not to receive this money until she's at least 21. Surely he can't argue with that? Guilt trip him a bit. Tell him that you know he wants the absolute best for her.

Honestly? I'd tell him to shove his money. I'd tell him I don't want it and to leave it cancer research, my DD would get by just fine on what my DH and I would do for her. I wouldn't want any part of his twisted view of money and love.

If I found out my mum had talked my grandad out of leaving me millions upon millions of pounds - with all the safety and freedom and time and experiences and health benefits that come with that - because he was a bit of an arse, I'm not sure I'd ever forgive her.

Is he planning to leave his fortune to your one named Dd? Or ‘grandchildren’?

My worry would be him dying in the near future and having other kids who don’t get a penny. That could tear a family apart.

@TempleOfBloom he has 1 granddaughter now, if more kids come along he plans to amend the will

@pinkdelight He's given you loads of money and a house and you're not on drugs, are you?

No, but I wasn't given it until my mid-20s. I got my house when I already had education and a first job and actively wanted a family so it would be stupid to blow it on drugs as I'd have nowhere to live. With the inheritance she could buy a house, use it for parties and drugs, burn the house down and still have enough money to buy a few houses. What I have now is tiny in comparison to what she would inherit.

@DreadPirateRobots he wouldn't listen - he'd still leave it to my DD because "it's not my business, it's between him and the DGD"

@BalletBob I think you could reasonably say to your dad that whilst this is an amazing thing for your daughter and you are grateful, she will need a mature head on her shoulders in order to be safe and therefore it is in her best interests not to receive this money until she's at least 21. Surely he can't argue with that? Guilt trip him a bit. Tell him that you know he wants the absolute best for her.

He doesn't believe in trusts so would leave it to her whenever he does. But also if I made that comment he'd be all cynical and accuse of me making excuses just so that he leaves money to me and not her (not the intention)

I believe parent/s have control of minor's finances until they are age 18 anyway.

This.

I'm not sure many people on MN can give you advice as things in the UK are different to the US

If you can't change your dad's mind then just accept that. Move on.

Focus on raising your daughter well. Teach her the value of money as she grows up. The value of education, of working hard, of being generous and careful with both herself and others.

The money will come, when the money comes. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Is there any individual alive whom he trusts and who is younger than him?

He MIGHT be sensitive to the point that if he leaves it to your DD, and then he dies, and then you have another child, you will end up with a rich child and a poor child and that will harm their relationship.

Whereas a trust set up to benefit his grandchildren equally would get around that if any of his grandchildren were born after his death.

That would only work if he gets past his concern about trusts … one way to do that might be if there is a person whom he personally knows and trusts who could be the trustee.