Retired parents UPSIZING house

[toastlover100]

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

100% this. ^ The parents of the OP seem to be very cold. I would never treat my children this way.

But this makes no sense. It's not buy a million pound home or have nothing and need care. They could spend 800k on a home and give op 100k still have 100k spare. It's the fact that every available 10k is going on an extreme upsize with no thought to their daughter. If they were struggling that's a whole different scenario you've made up!

Calling young people 'entitled' for thinking it would be nice if their parents (who are UPSIZING to a million pound house) could help them financially when they're struggling, is ludicrous. I can't imagine treating my own adult children this way. Seeing them struggle and pay extortionate rents and never get on the property ladder, whilst I swan around in my massive 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom million pound house.

Fuck me, the bar is set low on here. No wonder some younger people go 'no contact' with parents. 🙄

@Totupthenumberspls

@Onabench having children is a choice? Jeeze at what point in human evolution has it been a choice? It became a choice in the 60s thanks to contraception and such like. Now it’s a choice based on whether a couple can afford a house to start a family?!?

Yep! Unbelievable isn't it?!

I just knew the 'if you can't afford children don't have them' comments would start flying around on here.

It's sickening.

Exactly this. ^ It's very selfish of the OP's parents, and very 'me me me.' As well as being cold and uncaring.

/

All the hand wringing over inheritance makes me laugh. If you don't want the kids to get it, write a will stating so. It's a very simple choice. My mum was saving her cash for possible care home but dropped dead. I'd rather have my mum back.

However personally I'd rather drop my kids 5- 10k as they a) get married b) have a baby c) buy a house IF I CAN OFFORD TO then have 1 million for care. Because once your in a care home you could live on another 10 years and the money will run out sooner or later.

You can not take the money with you either. My mum.didnt have anywhere near 1 million to leave, but I'd rather see my kids benefit before I die. This us absolutely not transactional. I would hate to be burden on my adult kids. I'd hate them to wipe my arse. That's not why I had kids.

What is 10k out of a million? How much would it change getting a deposit on a very modest starter home? It's very strange to me. Everyone will think differently

It's their money of course, but it does seem a bizarre thing to upsize at that age.

Has the OP said if she’s had a convo with the parents? Has the OP said why they are upsizing?

A million doesn’t get you much round my way. Certainly not the 7 bed mentioned upthread.

There are a few different things here IMO:

• DC shouldn’t feel entitled to anything from their parents once they are adults. If things are gifted or offered, great. I want to gift and offer to my DC but I’d hate to think it was expected.
• The gap between salary and house prices is insane these days. This isn’t the fault of the parents.

maybe there is some background as to why the parents are “upsizing”. Maybe it’s what they always wanted and finally have the funds to realise a dream.

She said she wants a grand or two from her parents, though.

Why not get married as cheaply as possible and save the 'wedding' money for a deposit?

I speak as someone whose first marriage involved 2 mates down the register office (we did go for a curry afterwards) and whose civil partnership involved 3 mates down the register office (we went for lunch afterwards).

This was because I saw no need to waste money on a party.

A million would not get you anything close to a 7 bed house in many regions of the UK.

Exactly, in some places a modest house.

Quite. In London you’d be pushed to find a 2 bed house for that.

This “extreme upsizing” idea is very naive.

The whole of the SE basically.

In most cultures parents have paid for the wedding and housed the new couple or it's been possible for the couple to house themselves and children. Weddings have always been community events strengthening social bonds. If people choose to have a small wedding fine but it shouldn't be the default option

There are also plenty of us here who hope to help our kids financially one day, because we want to. Without any pressure from ‘entitled’ kids

I have nothing against people helping their children; I do so willingly myself. But then I am a person of simple needs.

However, the idea being put forward here is that the OP's parents shouldn't buy the house they want with their money as they are morally bound to hand that money over to their adult child.

I think this is a really important debate to be having and am actually pleased that despite strong opinions all round it's fairly civil.

For me, it is important to to hear other views, and to think about some aspects that hadn't occurred to me.

As you were.

That's fine if that was your choice. I had a much smaller wedding than most too. It's definitely not the norm nowadays, though. Regardless, as I said, the amount of money we are discussing won't go far towards a home which is the main problem.
I'm not sure the OP literally means a couple of grand! Personally, I can't imagine not helping my children if I was able to do so.

Just really not very observant then presumably? Is that better?

'However, the idea being put forward here is that the OP's parents shouldn't buy the house they want with their money as they are morally bound to hand that money over to their adult child.'

That's not how I interpret what the OP is saying. I thought she was making more of a general comment about how wrong it is that younger people can't afford to buy the homes or afford to start a family, while her parents' generation have gained so much from house price inflation and some 'good luck' that they are upsizing after retirement. I thought she was also commenting that it is somewhat selfish to be doing this while offering no financial help to their adult daughter who was struggling to pay high rent and save for any sort of home. If these are her points, then I would agree, although a pp did point out that there may be some concerns about the OP's relationships which may be a factor.

50 years ago, a couple would get married at 21, and the wedding would be a church ceremony, with maybe a hand me down or handmade wedding dress, followed by a party at the local social club/pub. They'd buy or rent a small house with 1 or 2 bedrooms and get on with having kids. They'd spend their whole life in the same small house and make do. People spent within their means. You and your partner could get married now down the registry office for about £100. You don't want to. You could have a baby while renting, thousands of people do. You don't want to.

You are choosing to put your life on hold. You don't have to.

Exactly. Buying a house isn't a necessity, as long as you have a roof over your head. I'm 40 and have never owned a house and have no desire to.

Look, did you not see the chart posted upthread? The ratio of house prices to earnings these days is so high that having a cheaper wedding is not going to magically enable couples of rustle up the cost of a deposit. The ongoing mortgage payments on homes nowadays usually requires two wages, meaning that couples cannot just "get on with" having kids; they probably will not be able to save for a housing deposit once they have kids because of the costs of either forgoing one salary OR paying for childcare.

Also generations prior didn't have the materialistic lifestyle that so many want now. They made do with what they had. There were no computers, smart phones, internet etc. had 1 car per family, sometimes no car. Kids shared bedrooms and wore hand me down clothes. If OP had that kind of lifestyle, she would likely save a lot of money.

Kids shared bedrooms and wore hand me down clothes.

So do half the kids I know today. In fact, the average floor space per family member for young families has declined over the last few decades.

You cannot be a functioning member of society without the internet (you try it, seriously), and multiple cars per household has become essential because of the car dependent society developed by previous generations, and because soaring house prices have made two incomes essential.

It's virtually impossible to live without a smartphone nowadays and in a lot of places also a car. Some jobs want people who have spent money on an Instagram ready appearance. I think it is rare in history that rent payment requires two full time salaries

You can, I have family members that refuse to use the internet and they get by ok. I also don't believe cars are essential unless you live in the middle of nowhere.