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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Retired parents UPSIZING house

1000 replies

toastlover100 · 19/01/2024 19:07

I’m pretty sure IABU.

My parter and I are late 20s, renting, good careers but still waiting for salaries to increase much.

We are engaged and trying to save for a very small wedding, we know we could just go the registry office but that’s not what we want.

We are also trying to save a house deposit, but it’ll take a long time on current earnings. Hoping to maybe get there by mid thirties.

We would love to have children in the next couple of years but the likelihood is we will still be in our rented flat.

My parents are retired from reasonable jobs but never high earning at all. Through some luck, paying off their mortgage, house price rises, they are about to buy a house worth around a million. This is a huge upsizing.

AIBU to begrudge them this?
We are struggling to make any headway financially, spending thousands a year on rent, wanting a family but not being in the right position etc, whilst my parents are about to spend a huge amount of savings I didn’t know they had to upsize to a large family home they really don’t need.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Flashingtreelights · 19/01/2024 22:22

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I don’t think you are entitled to your parents money, but I think it’s desperately sad that your parents aren’t offering to share it with you. My DM (mid 70s)has very odd views on money. She still lives/rattles around in the family home - a 4 bed detached with an acre garden. She retired at 45 and hasn’t worked since. But thinks we are better off than her….ive pointed out over and over that she was mortgage free and retired younger than I am now….and we can only dream of retiring….but ‘that’s different’. Due to ill health one sibling is going to have to make significant life changes which could be avoided if DM (or his MIL) downsized and gave him some money…..but they won’t. Meanwhile people can’t upsize either because the boomers insist on rattling round in their homes but doing no maintenance and then selling a wreck for £1m that needs another mil spent in it .

EveryonesSlaveApparently · 19/01/2024 22:26

Good on them. They are still relatively young. Maybe they are thinking of when grandchildren are born and they have extended family to stay? Maybe they don't want to start handing wealth down yet because, if they do, there might not be the money to fund their future needs? They might not want to put you in the position of refusing to help them out or being unable to. That's not selfish.

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 19/01/2024 22:26

I know two sets of parents who have just downsized to release a substantial sum for their children to either have a deposit or purchase a small flat outright. Both in the last year.

One of my relatives is selling their large multiple-bed Victorian house. So far out of six lots of people viewing it, only one has been a family, the rest are all recently retired couples who have made their money and are selling even bigger houses or ones in better locations, they are the only ones that can afford it. Such a shame.

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 22:27

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 22:18

It's just beyond stupid to think that the children you choose to give birth to shouldn't be financially independent at some stage of their lives! Wise up!

'Wise up' lol - the slightly politer version of telling someone they are an idiot for not holding the same opinion as you. Always a winner in a debate.

As is a strawman argument of course. Nowhere did I say anything about financial independence - purely that having children was a decision that those children had no choice in. It's literally a fact you can't argue with.

Dibbydoos · 19/01/2024 22:27

As a parent whose kids are young adults, I am finding this expectation that parents must give their kids a head start aggravating.

Generational wealth comes when people die. If you're struggling switch up your life, don't expect them to switch up theirs. Hopefully, they'll leave the house to you when they die...

Jf20 · 19/01/2024 22:27

This is so cringe, imagine being jealous of your own parents and feeling you’re more entitled to their money than they are, and putting the fact you’ve failed to buy as everyone else’s fault and declaring yourself entitled.

if you want it, earn it. You’re not entitled to hand outs. Grow up.

MotherofGorgons · 19/01/2024 22:29

This is the most entitled and ageist post I have read on MN, and there is stiff competition. Millions of people the world over rent, and in flats! It is only in the UK that people expect to have a house with a garden for a baby.

Jf20 · 19/01/2024 22:29

And op if they were never high earning they have likely released from their pension, taken lump sums. And no you’re still not entitled to it.

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 22:33

MotherofGorgons · 19/01/2024 22:29

This is the most entitled and ageist post I have read on MN, and there is stiff competition. Millions of people the world over rent, and in flats! It is only in the UK that people expect to have a house with a garden for a baby.

Imagine working hard and wanting to have the same standard of life as your parents had! So entitled.... (and ageist somehow, because of course being even slightly critical of anyone older than you is ageist).

LumiB · 19/01/2024 22:35

Imagine they helped OP out and then when older need caring help, and OP csnt help so they use their savings and assets but it only buys them basic care, they don't have enough money to choose a better care home. Is OP going to sell up and hand back money to help them have a decent care home and therefore better quality of life in their old age? Or will she just think well basic is enough and they can make do with that they should of saved up more money if they wanted better care.

Bululu · 19/01/2024 22:37

@Butterandtoast yes properties have come up a lot but that is not her parents fault. As I said very shortsighted as she will inherit the property later on. We do not know the full story of why the parents decided to do this. It may be that money would be handy for when she is a parent herself.

I keep reading nasty stuff about pensioners and the younger people blamimg them continuously for the situation. Just wait until you have retired and unable to work. It is disgusting that the elderly pensioners are now the scapegoat of the new generation. They may have it much harder now but are coming across as cruel and more entitled than any previous generation. I can’t sympathise and side with them.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/01/2024 22:37

I'm also in my late 50's and live in a good size house. That I worked incredibly hard to pay off the mortgage on. I am moving soon as part of my final few years before retirement. The new town I am moving to has quite different housing stock to where I live now. I probably will end up in a larger home which will cost same as where I am now. This is also going to be hopefully my final long term home so needs to meet MY needs for the next 20-30 years. I have DC younger than you but young adult and starting work. They wont be able to afford to buy in either location so I am hoping to be able to offer them some space in my new home. But if they called me selfish like you are doing to your parents - they certainly wouldn't be living with me ever. Independence has a price.

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 22:41

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 22:27

'Wise up' lol - the slightly politer version of telling someone they are an idiot for not holding the same opinion as you. Always a winner in a debate.

As is a strawman argument of course. Nowhere did I say anything about financial independence - purely that having children was a decision that those children had no choice in. It's literally a fact you can't argue with.

I'm literally not even going to try to 'debate' with you. Waste of time.

HappyintheHills · 19/01/2024 22:42

@toastlover100 have you asked them for financial help?

willingtolearn · 19/01/2024 22:43

I do not understand the argument that one generation should live in cramped conditions whilst another generation rattles around a house that is too big for them.

I agree with the poster above that said society is made by the decisions we make about the way we treat others.

It seems from this thread that many of those with assets, earned and unearned are dead set on making sure they are the only ones that get to enjoy them, even if they have to watch their own children suffer - as well as many others who are not their children.

The generation that has the greatest proportion of assets at the moment is the over 55's :
"As such, households headed by individuals aged between 55 years and under the State Pension age (SPA) are the wealthiest in Great Britain. This group possess wealth that is 25 times greater than that of the youngest households (those aged 16 to 24 years), based on the median measurement." (ONS Wealth and assets survey)

They also cost the most - in pensions, in social care, in especially in health care, to our society.

And no, they didn't pay enough in.

Heronwatcher · 19/01/2024 22:43

Meanwhile people can’t upsize either because the boomers insist on rattling round in their homes but doing no maintenance and then selling a wreck for £1m that needs another mil spent in it .

That’s horribly ageist. My grandparents’ house was incredibly well maintained, there wasn’t a screw or blade of grass out of place, even when they were in their 80s. Sure some older people let their houses go, as do many people in their 30s, who can’t paint a wall without watching a YouTube video!

Also if you want a system where homes are allocated by the state according to need you’ll need to join the communist party. Plus the OP here is an unmarried woman with no kids, so she’d probably be still living with her parents under that system.

AliceMcK · 19/01/2024 22:44

Meowandthen · 19/01/2024 21:54

Something I have seen from some young people is a different concept of cutting back. We all know that not buying an avocado isn’t the answer but there are many ways to be sensible. A bloody Stanley cup is not essential, nor is spending £250 a month on nails and eyebrows.

Some of us may have managed to scrape enough money together to buy a house 25 years ago but we lived with second hand furniture and without holidays for years. There was nothing left over and there were zero frills. I see little of that when many say they are saving.

Note that I wrote some and many, not all, before someone throws a strop.

This is the thing, but I don’t necessarily think it’s entirely generational.

My DH and I mid to late 40s got on the ownership ladder in our 40s, to live within my budget after the 08 crash and the first time in my life I didn’t just walk into a job, I lived with no landline, internet, TV channels, I did have a DVD player I used, I had a prepaid USB stick for emergency internet I topped up very rarely, I moved to an area I could afford rent, I parked my car an hours walk from work to save on commuting I walked the hour to work and back to my car that was parked in a free residential area. I didn’t buy coffee I used instant Nescafé that work offered and packed my lunch. Any makeup I wore was from a clearance bin, clothes off sales racks & charity shops. I’ve had my nails done maybe half a dozen times in my life. It was only after buying our own home I started using a hairdresser. Our house was furnished with 2nd hand furniture for the first 5 years, until we bought bits.

My brother 4 years younger than me thinks I’m tight and spending £2k cash on a car because I don’t want finance or to put myself in debt and it’s embarrassing (guess whose the spoilt golden child). To him it’s all about image, I don’t care about image. My brother bitches that he’s worked hard his who life and dosnt own his own home anymore, yet I own my own house. He dosnt own his home because it’s more important to him and his wife to own the “right” car, pay 4 times our mortgage on rent for the right looking house, buy new clothes from the right brand every month, expensive handbags and makeup, nights out it the best bar’s & restaurants drinking expensive cocktails, he remortgaged a house he bought for pennys with a deposit from both our and his wife’s parents in the 90s, it should have been paid tenfold by the time he sold it, instead he got about £10k from it after paying all the debt he owed on it. Then he complained his in-laws wouldn’t lend him £5k for a business project because his wife hadn’t paid them back for the last £5k she’d borrowed. His words, “what dose it matter to them, they are loaded and my wife’s going to get it when they die anyway”. They are his wife’s feelings too. Their children are just like them. Their 19yo soon actually laughed at his cousin when he found out she’d never worn anything but supermarket trainers. This is on his mums side, my SILs sister is like me.

I have relatives in their 20s who wrk so hard, cut back and when they do get something extra they treat their parents, they never expect anything from their parents.

I do think some things are definitely harder now, it was easy for be to say fine I’m not getting internet, tv, a phone line, I even used a cheap as pre paid brick. But, I never grew up with it, I was lucky to work in a job I had access to the internet, tv in the lunch area with unlimited tea & coffee, biscuits & fruit 3 times a week. We even had showers so I could shower after walking to work. Had I grown up with phones, internet, sky, fancy food and meals I might not have been as good at cutting back.

Savourycrepe · 19/01/2024 22:49

willingtolearn · 19/01/2024 22:43

I do not understand the argument that one generation should live in cramped conditions whilst another generation rattles around a house that is too big for them.

I agree with the poster above that said society is made by the decisions we make about the way we treat others.

It seems from this thread that many of those with assets, earned and unearned are dead set on making sure they are the only ones that get to enjoy them, even if they have to watch their own children suffer - as well as many others who are not their children.

The generation that has the greatest proportion of assets at the moment is the over 55's :
"As such, households headed by individuals aged between 55 years and under the State Pension age (SPA) are the wealthiest in Great Britain. This group possess wealth that is 25 times greater than that of the youngest households (those aged 16 to 24 years), based on the median measurement." (ONS Wealth and assets survey)

They also cost the most - in pensions, in social care, in especially in health care, to our society.

And no, they didn't pay enough in.

Well said. It is staggering that people claim that empty nesters need much more space than a family with young children. Jaw-dropping.

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 22:49

Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 22:41

I'm literally not even going to try to 'debate' with you. Waste of time.

On that we agree.

Crispedia · 19/01/2024 22:49

@Dymaxion indeed! ;)

wildernesssw · 19/01/2024 22:50

DM lives in a house that is 'too large for her' - it is a deliberate decision to invest in her house, so when she needs to move into residential care she can do so. In the meantime she has renovated so she has a bathroom on the ground floor and can stay in her own home as long as possible.

Good for her, she has ensured decent care in her old age, so I won't have the burden of day to day care and will be able to focus on spending time together and enjoying her company.

MotherofGorgons · 19/01/2024 22:53

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 22:33

Imagine working hard and wanting to have the same standard of life as your parents had! So entitled.... (and ageist somehow, because of course being even slightly critical of anyone older than you is ageist).

People can want any standard of living they please. They just can't expect their parents to fund it.

I am already funding my DC through education
They have a rent free home with me for as long as they wish.
In a financial emergency, I will help out.
But living in a rented flat is not an emergency because I lived in one for years and brought them up in one too. No one died.

Astonetogo · 19/01/2024 22:56

I don’t think YABU.

As children we look to our parents and expect to have a similar life.

I grew up with teacher parents. We had a 3 bed house in a nice area, two cars a dog and a holiday every summer. Mum stayed home with us until we were in school and then went back part time.

So when I grow up, become a teacher myself and marry a lovely chap in the same department, I expect to be living a similar life, right?

Nope, we’re lucky to have a flat, share a car and are saving every penny before trying to conceive because of the childcare we know we will need to pay, once I go back to work full time (asap) to pay the mortgage. No holidays or expensive pets for the foreseeable.
It may seem entitled to ‘want it all’, but there’s no denying it’s a very different kind of life to the one modelled for us growing up.

YANBU to feel the way you do, although of course it is not your parent’s fault.

Bululu · 19/01/2024 22:57

A number of older people have accrued more money and have a more comfortable house than someone in their 20’s. Of course they have worked and invested all their lives. Duh? But there are many pensioners who still rent and live in normal size houses and cared for their children until expected to be independent. Now try to downsize and see if it is easy. I btw was in a flat at 30 in the late 90’s. Only bought a house when my first child was three years old.

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 19/01/2024 23:04

MotherofGorgons · 19/01/2024 22:53

People can want any standard of living they please. They just can't expect their parents to fund it.

I am already funding my DC through education
They have a rent free home with me for as long as they wish.
In a financial emergency, I will help out.
But living in a rented flat is not an emergency because I lived in one for years and brought them up in one too. No one died.

It's not about funding the lifestyle they want, it's about parents looking at their kids circumstances, the way the economy is going, the increasing unaffordability of housing and the growing wealth and standard of living gap between old and young, as @willingtolearn posted earlier, and then thinking 'fuck it, I don't care - I'll buy a bigger house that I don't really need' instead.

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