I am an awful person - what have I done

[Rollercoaster28]

Firstly I should say this is complicated and I know mumsnet don’t like complicated stories but I am a regular and have just changed my name for privacy reasons.

I lost my DP 7 months ago, there are children in the mix. There is far too much back story to go in to.
our relationship prior to this was “ unhealthy “ and ultimately abusive ( not physical ) and not always obvious to even myself.
we have had a really tough year and there has been many factors that have lead to a very very unsettled time.

DP and I had a mutual friend who I would say he classed as his best friend although maybe because he didn’t have many.
myself and this friend have also been close for many years and he has always vern supportive.

since his death this mutual friend has helped with well pretty much everything - the kids / sorting the stuff that needed doing in the house - being a good friend.

last night I had a rare night where it was just me home. I invited him over for dinner .. I knew what I was doing, I knew I wanted him to hug me and I knew I wanted him to kiss me and of course all of this happened, and yet this morning I realise I’m a mess and I’m horrible person but I couldn’t stop myself either.
today I have been a panicky mess and I don’t even know the point of this I just needed to get it off my chest 😩

I don't think you're an awful person. Find your happiness where you can. Keep it away from the kids for now though.

Take a breath. The important thing here is that you don’t get involved in another abusive, unhealthy relationship. That is your biggest risk right now.

As for the sex part, that is secondary and not relevant. Focus on you and your children.

He's been kind, you are sad and lonely.
It takes two as it were.
Do you have feelings for him or was it just a moment kind of thing?
You're obviously not ready for another relationship right now - hence feeling panicky right now.
Have a grown up conversation with this man and maybe avoid situations that might lead to intimacy while you get your head together.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. Absolutely nothing.

Don't even try to talk yourself into 'well I was lonely etc' because you don't need to do that. Two single people who enjoy each other having sex is absolutely fine and normal.

You are not awful. You are a human being who needs physical and emotional contact with other human beings. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

You aren't an awful person, unless the mutual friend isn't single.

You are not an awful person OP. Despite your DP being abusive you are still grieving his loss.

Have you spoken to anyone professionally since he died? I agree with pp, you don't want to get into another unhealthy relationship but I also don't think you've done anything wrong

Give yourself a break! You are not awful at all and you've done nothing wrong. You are not cheating so get that out of your head. You are lonely and sad and that's natural. What do you both want to happen from here?

No he is single, there is no attachments his side. It felt so right at the time but not today it doesn’t.
I am a very well rounded person, I have been in control this whole time just I don’t know k think I finally broke :(

Look, you gained comfort from another human. A nice human. You've not done anything wrong at all. I bet it felt lovely being enveloped in someone's arms. You've not cheated nor disrespected your late partner.

You don't have to do it again if you don't want to. I'm sure he'll be fine if you tell him it's not something you're ready for.

Well, look, you broke. So what?

Be bloody kinder to yourself. It's really really fine. It is.

In my head I would have been better to go on some form of internet dating and he having been a complete stranger. The guilt comes from who it was with rather than the action.

I was going to say something along these lines, you haven't done anything wrong as long as you are clear with your friend I think its all fine, you are not a terrible person.

Its ok to like him. Its ok you had sex.
Why not ask him on a date and see if you can have a nice time together because that would be ok as well.

This sort of situation is really common after bereavement - widow//widower and close friend. It’s safe and familiar, they know your situation (you don’t have to go on a random date and pretend or discuss what happened).

You talk a lot about your previous relationship (I imagine trying to “mitigate” your actions (not that is needed)). In fact it’s often people who were incredibly happy with their spouse who are likely to move on quicker - they miss that support and bond.

You are not a terrible person. You are single. You can have sex with who you want and even be in another relationship.

I think craving human connection is very normal. Just because your previous relationship was abusive and unhealthy doesn't mean the death of that person hasn't left your grieving and vulnerable, in fact it probably makes things even more complicated and hard to process for you.

I'd say what you're recognising is that last night wasn't actually helpful in any way. But you haven't done anything awful to anyone, so put that out of your head.

The fact that it doesn't feel right today tells you what you need to know; there isn't anything here to pursue. So tie that off - "you've been so supportive over the last few months and I've appreciated that and your company so much - I think that's where last night came from. But just to be clear, I'm in no place for a relationship of any sort so would like to leave that as just a nice evening we spent together.".

I voted YABU because I don’t think you have any reason to be so hard on yourself - bluntly, you cannot cheat on someone who’s gone.

You might feel it’s disrespectful to his memory but I don’t agree with that either. Even if he’d been the best husband possible when he was alive, we all get only one life and owe it to ourselves to live it, many people say that happily married people move on quickly, because they’re used to love in their life and expect nothing less for themselves.

That doesn’t seem to have been the case for you, and having been abused won’t help your current state of mind, there’s unprocessed trauma as well as grief.

Personally I wouldn’t rush into anything with this man, but you didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to, as an adult he has agency over (and responsibility for) his own actions. Probably more than you do right now, as he’s neither abuse victim nor parent to grieving children.

Have you had or considered counselling?

I've reread all of OP's posts so far and I'm not sure you've got that right?

I suppose the “ abuse “ thing is a little unclear even for myself. I defo didn’t recognise it at all until after his death. I loved him dearly and him me but in the wake of it all - even the way he passed I can see what others saw even if I didn’t at the time. It’s something I suppose I’m still trying to get my head around and establish what was going on.
thank you for your kindness, I think I just panicked and it’s not something I can talk to any friends about at the moment.

You poor thing. You've been through such a tough time. Honestly, this friend has been a true friend to you and you shouldn't blame yourself at all for what happened.

In what way was your relationship with your partner problematic?

Neither of you have cheated.

Holy moley you are so hard on yourself. What a horrendous time you’ve been through. You had a bit of “happiness” absolutely nothing nothing nothing nothing wrong with that.

However no matter he the situation ended you are grieving so lots of things are going to throw up all sorts of bonkers emotions.

Please don’t beat yourself up though, just let the emotions be. They are just telling you things are off kilter, you already know that.

@MILTOBE I am unsure really - I think I’m still trying to figure out where it all went wrong. There was a lot of emotion I suppose. I tried to leave many times but I never could because he would use the kids and say he would do something to himself - things like that.

Bit confused as to whether the compassionate vote is YABU or YANBU but either way, you have not done anything wrong, you are not a bad person, you did not cheat and you deserved some comfort. People often end up in relationships with or marrying friends/relatives of the departed. You are overthinking and weirding yourself out - time to give yourself a break and ask yourself honestly if you would judge someone in a similar situation as harshly as you judge yourself.

I wouldn't feel guilty about this at all, OP. Be a bit kinder to yourself. You've had a terrible time lately and of course you're glad to accept some comfort.

I also don't think that OLD would be any better than what you actually did.

(BTW did you know that the Reply button on Mumsnet is broken? To respond to someone, you need to click on the three dots and choose QUOTE.
Otherwise you end up with a thread full of unrelated posts which don't make sense)