I am an awful person - what have I done

[Rollercoaster28]

Firstly I should say this is complicated and I know mumsnet don’t like complicated stories but I am a regular and have just changed my name for privacy reasons.

I lost my DP 7 months ago, there are children in the mix. There is far too much back story to go in to.
our relationship prior to this was “ unhealthy “ and ultimately abusive ( not physical ) and not always obvious to even myself.
we have had a really tough year and there has been many factors that have lead to a very very unsettled time.

DP and I had a mutual friend who I would say he classed as his best friend although maybe because he didn’t have many.
myself and this friend have also been close for many years and he has always vern supportive.

since his death this mutual friend has helped with well pretty much everything - the kids / sorting the stuff that needed doing in the house - being a good friend.

last night I had a rare night where it was just me home. I invited him over for dinner .. I knew what I was doing, I knew I wanted him to hug me and I knew I wanted him to kiss me and of course all of this happened, and yet this morning I realise I’m a mess and I’m horrible person but I couldn’t stop myself either.
today I have been a panicky mess and I don’t even know the point of this I just needed to get it off my chest 😩

Grief can make us do things we wouldn't have done otherwise, don't beat yourself up.

More importantly it sounds like there a LOT going on with your relationship, can you see a therapist? Speak with a friend or family member who will give you the unvarnished truth as they saw it ?

Why do you think you ate awful or what happened is awful?

For context, you and a single man slept together. I don't see anything wrong with this. The fact he is a mutual friend of you and your former DP makes no difference. You still have done nothing wrong.

Do you mind me asking why you are so upset? Do you think you have betrayed your former partner because you really haven't? It's not cheating.

If anything mutual fruend should have given it more time to make a move on someone who is grieving.

Go easy on yourself.

I really don't think you've done anything wrong at all. However, I do think you need to be very, very wary of pursuing anything with this man, or any man, whilst you are still working out what happened with your DP.

The more you post, the more abusive your DP sounds. And personally I would be extra wary of those who are friends with abusers. Of course, they may not know what the abusive person was really like, and it's the nature of abusive people to be charming, but I still wouldn't trust anyone who was friends with your DP.

Take some time to yourself OP. Work out what happened with you and your DP. Then once your self-esteem has improved you can start thinking about another relationship, if that's what you want.

My worry would be that this chap took advantage tbh.

If you don't want a relationship that's fine.

It may be tricky to remain friends if he does.

I’m sorry to hear it, that’s traumatic of itself. I guess he had mental health issues prior that impacted the relationship in addition to his issues around you working which I’d assume were tied into his mental health.

Tough situation all round, just try not to beat yourself up on any level. I know that’s easier to say than it is to do. Try and be to yourself how you would be to a friend who was going through this.

I don't know why you'd say this when he was a good friend before her partner died seven months ago and has been kind and supportive ever since.

I’m confused why you think this makes you an awful person?

What’s wrong with it?

I don’t think this is so bad, your DP is gone sadly but got nonetheles and this guy seems like a good dude, crack on if it feels good! The kids don’t have to know about it for now.

It’s a shame in a way that you don’t feel inclined to work towards a relationship. He’s a known person you trust and you’re confident he’s safe around the kids, handy, practical, generous. Sounds a bit of a catch really. If those feelings aren’t there they aren’t.
your dp is dead. You can’t hurt him and it’s nobody’s business but yours who you go to bed with.you do probably need more time to process this stuff before you’ll be able to enjoy a healthy relationship properly.
youve done nothing wrong though.

You are not an awful person OP! You are human. You wanted to be held by someone you feel safe with. He obviously feels the same towards you

Hi @Rollercoaster28 . I've been there. My DH died very suddenly when I was 36.

Six months-ish is a really, really, REALLY hard milestone. The shock is wearing off, the practicalities are mostly taken care of and all that's left is the grief, in all its varying forms. Seeking comfort with someone else – especially someone who knew and loved your lost partner – is incredibly common.

That said, as you can probably tell from how you're feeling now, it's not always a very good idea. At 6 months you have barely started the grieving journey. You haven't done anything wrong, but I would be very gentle with yourself now and be careful about what you do next. Don't rush in to anything. Take time. Figure out who you are alone before you start looking for a next step.

I'm sure your partner's friend will understand.

Oh, love! You've done nothing wrong. Hugs for you.

I voted YABU, because you aren't a horrible person, you are a human who has been through hard times and wanted comfort. Perfectly ok to want this.

You are definitely not an awful person for seeking connection and warmth at a time like this. 💐

He sounds like a genuinely kind man who has helped you through a difficult time in your life. Perhaps you need to chat about what happened and how you both feel about it. If the feeling mutual then why stop if it makes you both happy.
Hope it all works out.

It sounds like you need a good bit more time to sort through your feelings about your last relationship. Certainly that seems like a good idea before getting into a new relationship.
Having needs and wanting love and affection does not make you a horrible person. Planning to sleep with your friend maybe isn't a great idea when are not in a great place in your head right now.
It doesn't seem like this person is going anywhere but hopefully you haven't crossed a line now which will make it hard to revert back to being just friends again. Maybe something romantic is meant for you but you do not sound ready for it so it's probably not a good idea then. You certainly sound like you are on the rebound right now and need more time to settle into your new life and figure things out.

I don't think you're awful 💐 I think you're behaving perfectly normally for someone who's been through what you have xx

You’re not awful at all. You are human, and needed comfort. It will change the relationship with this friend now, it doesn’t sound like you are ready for a relationship, so you need to make this clear, if this is the case. Totally natural to feel guilt, even though you haven’t done anything to feel guilty for. No sensible person would judge you OP. Good luck going forward.

You’re not an awful person and you haven’t done anything wrong. I would personally be wary of someone who was “best friends” with your abusive husband. I appreciate he is also a good friend of yours and may not have realised what was going on, but just worth thinking about that.

Be kind to yourself OP

No need to feel guilty, although I can see where that comes from. Give yourself some time, as much as you need, and don't allow anyone to rush you into anything. Be brave, be sure and most of all do what is right for you. x

You are not awful! Please don't give yourself a hard time xxx

OP you don't sound like a mess. You sound like a lot of women - I HATE to say The Majority and I hope it's not - who feel guilty about everything and castigate themselves for any bit of pleasure they get. We've got to stop this.

You are not awful and it's actually really common for widowed men/women to find comfort with the close friend of their loved one. I know so many people who ended up in that position and actually most of them stayed together in the end and many ended up marrying the close friend.
It's familiar and safe. You're not awful.

I think this is probably a lot more common than you think op. You probably wanted some familiarity rather than a random hookup (and that’s a lot more sensible IMO)

I don’t think you should feel bad at all, just make it clear what you want to him so as not to confuse things if he’s after more than occasional intimacy.