I am an awful person - what have I done

[Rollercoaster28]

Firstly I should say this is complicated and I know mumsnet don’t like complicated stories but I am a regular and have just changed my name for privacy reasons.

I lost my DP 7 months ago, there are children in the mix. There is far too much back story to go in to.
our relationship prior to this was “ unhealthy “ and ultimately abusive ( not physical ) and not always obvious to even myself.
we have had a really tough year and there has been many factors that have lead to a very very unsettled time.

DP and I had a mutual friend who I would say he classed as his best friend although maybe because he didn’t have many.
myself and this friend have also been close for many years and he has always vern supportive.

since his death this mutual friend has helped with well pretty much everything - the kids / sorting the stuff that needed doing in the house - being a good friend.

last night I had a rare night where it was just me home. I invited him over for dinner .. I knew what I was doing, I knew I wanted him to hug me and I knew I wanted him to kiss me and of course all of this happened, and yet this morning I realise I’m a mess and I’m horrible person but I couldn’t stop myself either.
today I have been a panicky mess and I don’t even know the point of this I just needed to get it off my chest 😩

I've only read the OP's first post so if there is a dripfeed my view might change, but it seems okay to me OP. There's far too much judgement and prescriptiveness in real life, but a lot moreso on MN, about who people should be with, how long they should wait after separation, divorce or bereavement, how many years they should keep a new partner away from their children or before they move in, and so on.

I am aware that there are always risks, and that some people's judgement can be off because of prior experience and they need to be aware of this, but if someone is kind and helpful and lovely, you are not detecting any red flags, and you are mindful of the children and their needs and safety, what's the problem?

And I would say that with kids in the mix, it's definitely better that it is someone you know and trust rather than a randomer on the internet, actually. Lots of good advice on here. If you want to take things further then take it slow and steady (not in terms of sex, that's fine if you both want it, in terms of not racing through all the relationship stages), and if you don't or aren't ready yet, I hope he takes this very well and continues to be a good friend.

I'm a widow too, I am two years down the line and I would in no way cast any judgement on you. You most definitely are not an awful person.

This may throw a spanner in the works, but do you think this friend may have taken advantage of the situation? Would you have rather it hadn't happened?

My concern, particularly for a vulnerable woman who shares a mutual connection (the deceased partner) with this friend, that he ought to have stepped back and recognised that you're recently bereaved, still in shock and grieving and should have made the responsible decision to not allowed things to go as far as it went, at the time it did.

not saying you aren't an adult, able to make your own decisions, and definitely not saying you've done anything to be ashamed of. Sounds like you needed someone there to support you and not take advantage of your vulnerability.

Ah this doesn't make you an awful person lovely, but a human being. We all need love and comfort. You are not doing anything wrong.

The only thing I would advise is to be careful in terms of where you both potentially want this to go, as you both want to be on the same page x

I'm failing to see any way in which this could possibly be a bad or awful thing you've done.

Your abuser has gone, never coming back to abuse you again. You're free. And that means if you want wild, abandoned sex or gentle, tender comfort from a man who has helped you for months as you had the shock of bereavement, you are free to do so.

You are free. You make your own decisions, your own choices, without somebody threatening you, controlling you or putting you down.

There is nothing wrong with what you wanted or what you did (hope it was bloody amazing, too!).