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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am an awful person - what have I done

106 replies

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 14:49

Firstly I should say this is complicated and I know mumsnet don’t like complicated stories but I am a regular and have just changed my name for privacy reasons.

I lost my DP 7 months ago, there are children in the mix. There is far too much back story to go in to.
our relationship prior to this was “ unhealthy “ and ultimately abusive ( not physical ) and not always obvious to even myself.
we have had a really tough year and there has been many factors that have lead to a very very unsettled time.

DP and I had a mutual friend who I would say he classed as his best friend although maybe because he didn’t have many.
myself and this friend have also been close for many years and he has always vern supportive.

since his death this mutual friend has helped with well pretty much everything - the kids / sorting the stuff that needed doing in the house - being a good friend.

last night I had a rare night where it was just me home. I invited him over for dinner .. I knew what I was doing, I knew I wanted him to hug me and I knew I wanted him to kiss me and of course all of this happened, and yet this morning I realise I’m a mess and I’m horrible person but I couldn’t stop myself either.
today I have been a panicky mess and I don’t even know the point of this I just needed to get it off my chest 😩

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 19/01/2024 15:33

You took some comfort , nothing to feel guilty about.

you are in the middle of a bereavement and questioning how healthy the relationship was which is a big mind fuck. It’s no wonder you turned to someone who knows you for comfort.

dont make any promises to them, make sure they understand it may go no where and keep it away from the kids… other than that it’s up to you!

TheShellBeach · 19/01/2024 15:34

I also voted YABU because I do not think you should be feeling guilty.

CalMeKate · 19/01/2024 15:38

2 things can be true at once.

  1. You were seeking comfort from someone you have a long term friendship with.
  2. You feel guilty about it now.

The abuse of your past relationship has no relevance to the actions now. It is what it is.

PosyPrettyToes · 19/01/2024 15:40

Honestly, this is so, so common. A lot of people get together with deceased spouses siblings or friends fairly soon after their passing - it's sort of the closest you can get to the person you've lost. It almost never lasts, but it does help with healing, on both sides.

ManateeFair · 19/01/2024 15:41

You haven't done anything wrong. You're single. He is single. You are adults.

I think that, if it's only now after the death of your former partner that you can see that the relationship was unhealthy and abusive, that you might want to think about how you would spot those signs again and consider whether you're generally good with boundaries etc, and I imagine you could definitely benefit from counselling or therapy. But you've done nothing wrong, at all. Your friend has been kind and supportive and you are attracted to him, so it's perfectly reasonable that you spent the night together and it would be perfectly reasonable if you dated.

Britinme · 19/01/2024 15:41

What @CallMeKate said. After bereavement there are (as your username suggests) rollercoasters of emotions to go through, even when there has been no abuse of any kind in the relationship.

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/01/2024 15:41

He sounds lovely and you are not a horrible person.

Take things very slowly, especially where your children are concerned.

You deserve, and are allowed to be, happy.

Jf20 · 19/01/2024 15:42

I think maybe you’re still grieving, as you’re having a very extreme reaction. Was it just a kiss, or did you sleep with him? Is that it? Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping with him, but maybe more understandable than this reaction over a kiss,

Dweetfidilove · 19/01/2024 15:43

You sought comfort from a familiar place. This does not make you a horrible person at all.

If it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to repeat it, but try not to beat yourself up about it.

BMW6 · 19/01/2024 15:44

I voted YABU - because you have done absolutely NOTHING WRONG

Nicole1111 · 19/01/2024 15:48

You’re not an awful person. You’re a grieving person who is processing the loss of someone they loved while also processing that that person was a perpetrator of abuse against them. You’re also a human and like the rest of us you want human connection. Yes you could have probably been a little wiser with your decision making, purely because of the emotional conflict it has brought up for you, but ultimately you’re being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.

urrrgh46 · 19/01/2024 15:48

I don't think you've got anything to feel guilty about! Enjoy it and if it lasts it lasts and if it doesn't it doesn't. Obviously be careful for/with the children but I'm sure you're doing that anyway. Otherwise absolutely fine - crack on!

DeeLusional · 19/01/2024 15:48

Horrible why exactly? For doing something totally natural, or because you think you are going to hurt your friend?

Mirabai · 19/01/2024 15:49

7 months is not that long to process what happened at the end and in the relationship. It’s understandable that you feel mixed up.

Would I be wrong if I guessed that DP ended his own life? Is that in the mix too?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2024 15:53

Please stop burdening your life with pointless, misplaced guilt. You have done nothing wrong, literally not one single thing. There is nothing to feel guilty about so don't waste your emotional energy on beating yourself up over nothing. Life is for living, op.

NalafromtheLionKing · 19/01/2024 15:54

If you want to pursue this, do it (it does not make you a bad person at all). As a PP said, you should keep this separate to your DC until you know it’s long term and serious.

regenerate · 19/01/2024 15:55

so what actually happened last night?

He kissed you and you kissed back?
Sex?
and how’s it been left with him?

Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 15:56

@Mirabai yes and 1 of the children are very very very young. I probably sound like an absolute mess but honestly in every day life I’m a well rounded person.
up until maybe 2 years ago I guess I would look like I had one of those perfect families and then everything just changed and I tried to make it work but couldn’t and ultimately I ended things. It spiralled from there and now I don’t even recognise my life.

OP posts:
regenerate · 19/01/2024 15:57

I can see what others saw even if I didn’t at the time

So this chap knew his best friend, your DP, was being abusive to you… and he continued to be his best friend?

regenerate · 19/01/2024 15:58

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 15:56

@Mirabai yes and 1 of the children are very very very young. I probably sound like an absolute mess but honestly in every day life I’m a well rounded person.
up until maybe 2 years ago I guess I would look like I had one of those perfect families and then everything just changed and I tried to make it work but couldn’t and ultimately I ended things. It spiralled from there and now I don’t even recognise my life.

Edited

what happened two years ago?

Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 15:58

@regenerate no I suppose I didn’t really discuss my relationship issues with him back then. He would have only heard DP tale of events.

OP posts:
Ger1atricMillennial · 19/01/2024 15:58

You are not awful person, you are human. You can talk to yourself in a kinder way such as "Even though it wasn't ideal, I really needed some comfort and it felt (insert feeling here) However, I am not ready for any type of relationship, and I will give myself a break" Repeat until the panic goes away :)

Sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a way forward.

kisstheblarney · 19/01/2024 15:59

You've done nothing wrong, take a breath and be kind to yourself

It's all fine, two consenting adults.

Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 15:59

@regenerate he just changed, our whole dynamic changed. Jealousy, impulsive behaviours, emotional blackmail. It all started when I decided to return to work and not stay at home.

OP posts:
regenerate · 19/01/2024 16:00

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 15:58

@regenerate no I suppose I didn’t really discuss my relationship issues with him back then. He would have only heard DP tale of events.

but you said others noticed the abuse just not you?

What actually happened last night? i have read and reread and not clear. You kissed each other? anything more?

and how was it left last night with him (or indeed this morning!)