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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am an awful person - what have I done

106 replies

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 14:49

Firstly I should say this is complicated and I know mumsnet don’t like complicated stories but I am a regular and have just changed my name for privacy reasons.

I lost my DP 7 months ago, there are children in the mix. There is far too much back story to go in to.
our relationship prior to this was “ unhealthy “ and ultimately abusive ( not physical ) and not always obvious to even myself.
we have had a really tough year and there has been many factors that have lead to a very very unsettled time.

DP and I had a mutual friend who I would say he classed as his best friend although maybe because he didn’t have many.
myself and this friend have also been close for many years and he has always vern supportive.

since his death this mutual friend has helped with well pretty much everything - the kids / sorting the stuff that needed doing in the house - being a good friend.

last night I had a rare night where it was just me home. I invited him over for dinner .. I knew what I was doing, I knew I wanted him to hug me and I knew I wanted him to kiss me and of course all of this happened, and yet this morning I realise I’m a mess and I’m horrible person but I couldn’t stop myself either.
today I have been a panicky mess and I don’t even know the point of this I just needed to get it off my chest 😩

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 19/01/2024 16:01

Your DP died 7 months ago, have you heard of the 6 month low? It hit me at 8 months so it’s not a fixed date but so many widows and widowers talk about it. It’s like it hits you all over again this is real and this is my life now. So reaching out for some comfort is 100% understandable, not awful at all and a very, very usual thing to do.
Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through a really tough time, just don’t jump into anything too quickly.

Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:02

@Andthereyougo yes tbh until recently I don’t think I really accepted anything. Life had to go on and things needed to be organised. Now everything has slowed down I feel like I spiralled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:04

@regenerate yes friends and family In general, people who I would confide in at the time about the issues that were occurring. I would not have discussed this with mutual friends.
we slept together.

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 19/01/2024 16:04

If this is what you want OP then just take it very, very slowly. Just be sure it is what you want. If it was just a moment of weakness because you just needed someone, then apologise and say you're just not ready.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Jf20 · 19/01/2024 16:06

Ok, do you want to have a relationship with this man? Does he want one with you?

Hagpie · 19/01/2024 16:06

A very common situation OP. Hear of us saying you’ve done nothing wrong and believe us please.

It’s comfort; something to get you through the days and you grab it when you can.

Original poster
Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

OP posts:
regenerate · 19/01/2024 16:07

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:04

@regenerate yes friends and family In general, people who I would confide in at the time about the issues that were occurring. I would not have discussed this with mutual friends.
we slept together.

Edited

ok. And how was it left when he left?

regenerate · 19/01/2024 16:08

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

well in that case… i wouldn’t give it a further thought. You aren’t interested and he expressed nothing to suggest he was either before he left.

so i’d drop a message to say good to see him, hope not awkward going forward and wish him an enjoyable weekend.

end of

IncompleteSenten · 19/01/2024 16:09

You are not an awful person. Or horrible. Or any of the negative things you are thinking about yourself.

I think you deserve a little kindness and affection in your life. You have no need to feel guilty. X

kisstheblarney · 19/01/2024 16:11

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

And that's also fine!

You want sex, have it! If he wants a relationship just let him know it's not what you want.

You want to go out for dinner, drinks, coffee etc, do it.

I had a friend and the EXACT same thing happened, bad relationship, got with his friend soon after (sooner than 7 months), it was great, and she found happiness after such a bad time. They haven't married, they haven't moved in together (yet, but who knows), but they enjoy each other's company.

She's a new person.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/01/2024 16:12

slightly confused about the voting so want to clarify I voted YABU because you have done nothing wrong. No need to worry.

Neither of you have cheated.

What I would say is ask for a pause and a bit of distance while you process. Hopefully he will totally understand and allow you that- indeed want you to have that.

It would be easy to jump in too fast and get caught up with someone when you really aren’t ready. And you aren’t.

One day you might be- this could be a good relationship for you- but not yet and possibly not at all.

Ger1atricMillennial · 19/01/2024 16:13

Also I would recommend you watch the show "Mum"- the main character is a bit older I would guess than you, but is very good and similar themes.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/01/2024 16:14

Was he ill before his death? That can impact how quickly people are ready to move on. Preemptive mourning.

Dibilnik · 19/01/2024 16:16

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

Awww OP Flowers

You're OK. As PPs have said, you are in a vulnerable state and needed some human comfort. There is no harm in that!

I did something rather similar years ago. Next day I phoned him just to say that I felt uneasy about it all, because I didn't want to give the wrong message as I had no intention of it going anywhere. He laughed and said that was fine, and it was, and we just sort of "shook hands" on the idea that we had simply expressed a bit of mutual appreciation for each other at a time that we both needed it, job done, end of story.

If he is a true friend who cares about you, he will respect your wishes.

If he tries to override your stated preferences, he is not really a true friend and I'm afraid you'll need to have second thoughts about seeing him again. But at least you'll know.

TempleOfBloom · 19/01/2024 16:16

You are not an awful person , not at all. Not based on this situation, anyway!

I can understand you panicking. You definitely are not in the right place to start a relationship, as you acknowledge to yourself.

You say this man is a friend, and supportive. I would talk to him and say ‘about the other night… I have really appreciated the support you have given me, and I knew I wanted some closeness. But I didn’t mean to take advantage of you and give you a wrong idea. You are the person who has been so supportive but I need to sort out my head and heart before I get involved, whether it be FWB or something more’.

It may be that he is feeling guilty for potentially having taken advantage when you are clearly so vulnerable. Though maybe not, he might have seen the invite to dinner as an uncomplicated green light.

Be kind to yourself, be honest with him.

Nicole1111 · 19/01/2024 16:17

It’s common for domestic abuse to start during pregnancy or after the birth of a child. Your return to work was likely very difficult for him to stomach if he had issues around control. I would highly recommend doing the freedom programme online. It’s not too expensive but will help you to better understand what happened to you and to learn about warning signs for the future.

MeMySonAnd1 · 19/01/2024 16:19

Ermh… be kind to yourself. I am sure you have gone through a lot of stuff recently and you most definitely needed that hug (says one who dissolved into tears in the office when a colleague gave me a hug, nobody had touched me for months and we all need that kind of affection).

I think it is natural to feel mortified, especially if you still feel a bit “committed” to your marriage. Those links do not disappear for a long time.

I bet he may be feeling a mess today too so just remember, if he is not happy you can always say “sorry, I was not expecting what happened yesterday.” but do not apologise too much, it takes two to tango and if he has been a good friend hopefully you can put this behind you 🙂

TheShellBeach · 19/01/2024 16:20

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

Please quote the person you're responding to.

Ducksinthebath · 19/01/2024 16:20

I'd just like to point out that I was very confused by the voting. I initially put YABU, because I think you are being unreasonable to feel you are a terrible person. Then I wondered if the answer ought to be YANBU, as in you are not being in the least unreasonable to do what you've done, it's totally fine. Voting seems more evenly split than the comments so I wonder if others have got confused too.

Anyway, that's a long winded way of me saying I don't think you're an awful person, I don't think you've done anything wrong and I hope you are kind to yourself and make peace with the situation because after all you've been through you deserve to be happy.

horseyhorsey17 · 19/01/2024 16:26

Why are you awful? You haven't hurt anyone. You deserve a little comfort - and even some fun.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2024 16:27

@Rollercoaster28

You are NOT 'awful'. What you are is a person who has simultaneously (or almost simultaneously) lost their partner and realized that the relationship was emotionally abusive. And with him gone, you have nowhere to 'put' the anger and hurt because 'society' tells you that you should be grieving. With all that turmoil inside you, it's a wonder you can even think straight at all! I think counseling would be a good idea. You need a 'safe place' to vent, cry, grieve, and work through all the emotion and the 'issues' that his death has left you with.

As far as what happened, it was a mistake. I'm not blaming you because you aren't thinking straight right now, but you must insure it doesn't happen again. You need to work through the emotions and let some time pass before you can make the correct decision as far as this friend is concerned. It would be unfair to both of you to get involved right now.

Ploppppppppp · 19/01/2024 16:35

25 years ago my brothers long term girlfriend died suddenly. He was devastated. He grew close to her best friend as they both were going through grief together. They have been together 23 years, 4 children. It’s not wrong to find happiness again. It’s understanding that it may be someone close to him. Life is hard. Take the good moments when you can and go easy on yourself x

Mrsjayy · 19/01/2024 16:38

Rollercoaster28 · 19/01/2024 16:07

I don’t want a relationship with anybody - I don’t know his intentions.

has he said anything about it or has it been left a bit awkward?

dreamygirl25 · 19/01/2024 16:38

I think it's OK! And I know of lots of cases where people have gotten together and stayed together as a result of supporting eachother through grief.