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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a red flag?

131 replies

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 11:02

I'll try and be succinct at the risk of being accused of drip feeding but this is complicated.

DP of 3 years after I had a harrowing divorce.
Moved 2.5 hours from everything I knew to relocate with him and support his aging parents. FIL has since died, MIL with dementia.
Huge task of clearing their previous home to make it saleable . They hoarded everything for 25 years and it will take months.

I had a management role in retail which was completely inflexible and a lot of responsibility. DP a teacher working 4 days. We had no time together and It was miserable so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.

A new job has literally been dropped in my lap. Twice what I ever earned, remote wfh, no set hours, unlimited paid holiday. US company so some time required to liaise with staff with a time difference so some evening meetings etc but largely left to my own devices. I wasn't looking and never imagined I could or would be offered such an opportunity.

DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. He's not in favour. Says he's worried about how it will impact us and our home will become my office. He won't be able to relax in the evenings, the hours won't match his etc, etc.

I'm disappointed because he's made it all about him. I was excited, if a little scared but I do see it wasn't the plan and will take some adjustment. I also wouldn't be able to be as much help with MIL although I would have much more time than I did in my previous job. I do accept we had an agreement going forward and I would be completely going back on it and we don't need the money to get by but it would make a huge difference.

I also think, whilst we are engaged but not married, I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce (emotionally controlling ex H) I suspect DP is also feeling a little insecure at the prospect of me taking this on.

Is this a red flag? AIBU in considering it as it would impact our lives or AINBU because it shouldn't have to be me that gives up everything to fit around DP's job and family commitments?

(Both have grown up DCs, not living with us. Own home outright with no mortgage, split 60/40 in my favour if any of that is relevant )

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 19/01/2024 11:03

Not only is it a red flag it’s also absolutely disgusting.

I do hope you’ll take that job and tell your ‘DP’ to go fuck himself if he doesn’t like it.

edited to add: congratulations on the awesome job offer OP

UncleHerbie · 19/01/2024 11:04

Yes, a huge one

2chocolateoranges · 19/01/2024 11:05

i certainly wouldn’t be not working at all, you need some financial security behind you. Go for it! If it doesn’t work out then look for something else but it sounds an amazing opportunity.

a good partner will support your dreams. Even if they need to compromise at times, Go for it!

Serenity45 · 19/01/2024 11:06

Yes it is. You have already made huge sacrifices for him. Not sure what else to say but you need a serious and calm talk about this. Is he going to pay into a pension for you while you care for his mum if you don't work? It's not just about living costs.

LightSwerve · 19/01/2024 11:07

Yes huge.

I don't understand why you have junked your home and job so quickly for this man but if I were you I would take this job and set yourself up in your own place.

Run run run.

sharptoothlemonshark · 19/01/2024 11:07

congratulations on your new job! Go for it!

Snowydaysfaraway · 19/01/2024 11:09

He wanted a maid and carer for his dm. This is in jeopardy..
Of course he is worried...
Take the job.
Ditch the dodo..

AnneKipankitoo · 19/01/2024 11:12

Wow.
Take the job.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/01/2024 11:13

I think he's entitled to an opinion. Everyone has one. That's fine. But what does he intend to do about it?

You can acknowledge that this is a big deviation from the agreement but this is unexpected and therefore couldn't be planned for.
You will look to address any specific concerns together but this is something you feel you need to try and you want his support.

His worries?
His Mom now isn't getting the agreed care so may have to go into a care home earlier than planned. He's allowed to be upset at that. I think it's a normal upset BUT you cannot be held captive for the next 20 years. So what can you do together to make the transition easier?

You'll have no time together or an evening. Again a legit complaint. If a woman came on saying DH had now got an evening job every evening so they never saw each other, she'd be permitted to be annoyed. So what do your working hours actually look like? Can you block out and specific nights or make sure you go to bed together so many nights if you normally do etc?

The house will be an office he's expected to tip toe around. Hugely fair of him. Again, look at any thread where the man imposes WFH on his partner and it's all "play your music loud, it's your home!!" So, how will it work? Are you working til 10 in the living room so he has no where to chill and watch telly? Are you working til midnight in the bedroom so he can't go to bed? Is there a place you can work without it being inconvenient to others

I imagine you also do more household stuff so that needs to be rebalanced.

He'll have more disposable income with you paying half for everything so can he use some of that to help his Mom?

So I don't think the COMMENT is a red flag, but you need to see what comes next.

purpleme12 · 19/01/2024 11:13

Don't know about red flag
But honestly if your children are grown up I don't see any reason not to take the job if you want the job.
I don't think you should be expected to look after his mum in place of a job

Mysanthea · 19/01/2024 11:14

100% take the job and see what happens with the relationship.

Please don't let this man diminish you. Take the job. Take the job. Take the job.

randomchap · 19/01/2024 11:15

His worries aren't completely unreasonable. Wfh, especially for a company overseas where the hours don't match usual uk office hours could impact on the home.

Is it possible to keep your work to a single room so it minimises this?

Having your own income and financial stability is extremely important and he should be supporting this, but as it's out of the blue he might just need time to adjust to the idea.

Is he willing to discuss calmly and productively, or is this not up for discussion?

Not being happy when plans change isn't necessarily a red flag, it's also how open to compromise and discussion he is.

MarIeyG · 19/01/2024 11:15

Take the job and let him pay for carers which is what he's treating you as.

Heronwatcher · 19/01/2024 11:15

Take the job! No question.

If your DP is a nice guy generally I’d explain all of the reasons why it’s important to you and explain what you intend to do to manage wfh (surely you could set somewhere up out of earshot to work in the evenings and it’s not going to be every day). And if you’re working flexibly, chances are that you’ll still be able to help with his MIL’s stuff (though TBH my own view is that isn’t really your job anyway). But say that’s your decision.

If he reacts badly now, or when you start, then yes seriously reconsider the relationship.

Comedycook · 19/01/2024 11:16

Hang on....

You're not even married and you quit your job to clear out his parents house and look after his mother.

Are you mad?!

Dotjones · 19/01/2024 11:16

No it's not a red flag. You both agreed something and you individually have decided to welsh on the agreement. Your partner hasn't said you can't do it, just that they're uncomfortable with your new decision.

The red flag would be if you can't work this out between you.

Grimmz · 19/01/2024 11:16

He's entitled to his feelings. It's good at least that he's communicating.

But the question is do you want to spend your time clearing out/looking after the house and looking after his mum (unpaid) or do you want to work and progress your career? There's no wrong answer. But you're right that by not working and relying on your DP for funds, you are in a vulnerable position.

From your post it sounds like you want the job so you should take it. If you WFH it's only fair to your DP that you establish a workspace that doesn't impinge on his use of the house.

Is a red flag? I don't know, but it does seem like your DP only cares about his own interests.

ManateeFair · 19/01/2024 11:17

Why didn't he give up HIS job to clear his parents' terrible house out and care for his mother?

It is a MASSIVE red flag. You've given up your job and your home to care for his elderly parents and sort their house out for him, and he's now telling you shouldn't take a job that as NO SET HOURS AND UNLIMITED HOLIDAY because he thinks he 'won't be able to relax'?

He's the most selfish man ever to walk the earth. Get rid.

Relaxd · 19/01/2024 11:18

I don’t think it is a red flag, he is naturally wondering how it is going to work. Set aside time to talk through how it might work if you did go ahead. You could offer DH some reassurances to his concerns perhaps - will you work every evening? You will assumedly with no set hours have some flexibility which could be useful? Is there a separate space in the house you can use as an office in the evening? Does the extra money mean you can do more fun stuff or enable you both to get more support such as a cleaner or for him to get in more help for his Mum? Finally it sounds like a bit of an odd job offer frankly - no jobs have unlimited paid leave for example.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 19/01/2024 11:18

He is gutted his maid is no longer going to be at his beck and call!!!

Tell him to fuck right off and take the job!!!

Cheeky bastard.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/01/2024 11:18

I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.

I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce (emotionally controlling ex H) I suspect DP is also feeling a little insecure at the prospect of me taking this on.

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. Your plan was to leave your job, live in a house with no security or stake in it, to be an unpaid cleaner and carer to the elderly mother of a man you would be 100% financially reliant upon and to whom you have no legal ties?

A new job has literally been dropped in my lap. Twice what I ever earned, remote wfh, no set hours, unlimited paid holiday.

The universe is trying to save you. Accept its very kind offer.

Thementalloadisreal · 19/01/2024 11:19

He needs to take responsibility for looking after his own mother, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your career

Ellie525 · 19/01/2024 11:19

Take the job, take the job, take the job!! 🙏🙏🙏

His reaction to you taking the job will be the ultimate red flag or not I guess... but I wouldnt be impressed by his comments so far

Prelapsarianhag · 19/01/2024 11:20

He is a selfish arse. Tell him to look after his own mum. Congrats on the job.

TiredCatLady · 19/01/2024 11:22

SweetFemaleAttitude · 19/01/2024 11:18

He is gutted his maid is no longer going to be at his beck and call!!!

Tell him to fuck right off and take the job!!!

Cheeky bastard.

All of this!

You’re not married, 2.5 hours from where you had lived and are basically a carer to his mum whilst clearing a house that you have no claim to.

Why have you bent over backwards for this man?

Take the job.