Is this a red flag?

[DowntonTrout]

I'll try and be succinct at the risk of being accused of drip feeding but this is complicated.

DP of 3 years after I had a harrowing divorce.
Moved 2.5 hours from everything I knew to relocate with him and support his aging parents. FIL has since died, MIL with dementia.
Huge task of clearing their previous home to make it saleable . They hoarded everything for 25 years and it will take months.

I had a management role in retail which was completely inflexible and a lot of responsibility. DP a teacher working 4 days. We had no time together and It was miserable so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.

A new job has literally been dropped in my lap. Twice what I ever earned, remote wfh, no set hours, unlimited paid holiday. US company so some time required to liaise with staff with a time difference so some evening meetings etc but largely left to my own devices. I wasn't looking and never imagined I could or would be offered such an opportunity.

DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. He's not in favour. Says he's worried about how it will impact us and our home will become my office. He won't be able to relax in the evenings, the hours won't match his etc, etc.

I'm disappointed because he's made it all about him. I was excited, if a little scared but I do see it wasn't the plan and will take some adjustment. I also wouldn't be able to be as much help with MIL although I would have much more time than I did in my previous job. I do accept we had an agreement going forward and I would be completely going back on it and we don't need the money to get by but it would make a huge difference.

I also think, whilst we are engaged but not married, I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce (emotionally controlling ex H) I suspect DP is also feeling a little insecure at the prospect of me taking this on.

Is this a red flag? AIBU in considering it as it would impact our lives or AINBU because it shouldn't have to be me that gives up everything to fit around DP's job and family commitments?

(Both have grown up DCs, not living with us. Own home outright with no mortgage, split 60/40 in my favour if any of that is relevant )

I think it's really odd that you have taken on the care of this elderly woman.

There's only two reasons people do this.

Because they're being paid

Or

Because they are an important person to them.

I can understand looking after your own parents or a mil that you have known for decades who has been a good mil to you and done things for you in the past perhaps.

But this is really random. I'm struggling to see why you care so much? Are you a huge people pleaser?

I have to be honest, I find it very odd as well. That the op would give up everything and then go be a carer for his mother and do all the chores.

and now he’s saying that’s her place. The home help. And effectively giving her the silent treatment snd making it about him. His needs, she’s just there to serve.

I mean I get it if you can get away with it , why not, you and your brother don’t want to care for your mother so find someone to do it for free and if they will clear the house too, clean your house, feed you and give you sex, then let them have at it, but why would you make yourself that person.

He wants you to be totally reliant on him. Take the job op

I was having a discussion with my DD17 the other day about having your own income stream in whatever circumstances you find yourself in even if it's only a few hours a week. Women need their own money, even if it's just saved every month. It's vital.

That OP has quit her job, moved away from everything she knows and has become the house clearance person (and carer) for her fiancé's mother is just incredible to me. It's an alien thing. Why is she not even working part-time?

OP have you made friends in your new town? Have you a support system there?

Take the job. You have moved the goalposts but your partner should not be using you in this way, and should not expect you to rely on him for a living. Take the blessed job. He sounds controlling and even a bit dodgy.

Oh OP what have you done ☹️

In the space of 3 yrs you've met someone, moved, and given up your job in his favour.

Of course he doesn't want you working... He's living the life of Riley. He's got you undertaking his Mother's needs and care. He's got you at home tending to his every need... He's shown his true colours with his 'silent treatment'

A partner who loved and really cared about you would encourage and support you in achieving your goals and dreams. He shut you down, and dragged out a whole load of negativity. Yes it's not what you initially agreed, but in life nothing stays the same.

They are not your in-laws you are not married. She is your Partners' Mother. If you were to split you'd never see her again.

You need to start getting something out of this relationship for you!

He's certainly not wanting the best for you, he's wanting the best for himself.

Take the job!

I've only been unemployed since Monday! I was signed off sick for 4 weeks and decided enough was enough.
DP supported my taking a short career break whilst I figured out where to go from here. It was my suggestion that I get on with clearing the house to speed that process up.
I haven't given up work to care for his mum. I'm popping in to make sure she's ok and to drop off shopping. When things progress carers will be paid for out of her own money.
He's enjoyed me being around over Christmas whilst he was off too. Yes it's taken some pressure of him but I'm not giving up everything to be an unpaid carer. That's never been the plan.
I'm just surprised at the speed of this job offered and very surprised at DPs reaction.
I want to accept today but I feel I should at least talk a bit more about his concerns first. I just don't think we will agree .

Massive red flag 🚩
Grab the opportunity or you'll regret it x

Has he gone into detail about his concerns? When you've chatted about it, does he come across as unnecessarily obtuse and uncaring?

It sounds like the career break was a mutual decision. How long did he expect you to not work for?

Is it the wfh aspect that's a concern? Or working in general?

I don't think you even owe him the conversation. He's not your husband. You've only been together three years (not insignificant but hardly a lifetime). I presume you don't have children or at least not with him.

Oh I misunderstood. I thought you'd agreed this career break to care for her.

But he should have no expectation of you being off permanently. So why the surprise and sulking?

Take the job and Do NOT marry this man.

So you've relocated and sorted all his parents issues out !!!

Don’t be putting all your eggs in Mr Selfish’s basket.

well if your job will pay more, surely DP can stop work and look after his mother?

WTF am I reading? “so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum”

You have up your job to clean up his parents shit, and look after his mum?
The first red flag here are your choices!

But yeah - take the job.

You know he could have just paid a house clearance firm, not expected the little woman to do womanly clearing up stuff?

”We had no time together and It was miserable so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to”

”DP supported my taking a short career break whilst I figured out where to go from here. It was my suggestion that I get on with clearing the house to speed that process up.
I haven't given up work to care for his mum”

Those two statements are really very different. So either it was your intention to be his dogsbody, or you’re just helping out on a break.

Just wanted to add OP- this job sounds a little too good to be true- I've never heard of a US company doing unlimited paid holiday!! Are you sure this isn't MLM or something similar?? And what they mean is you will be getting paid 'even' if you aren't working (provided there are sales happening still of course) -something about it doesn't sound right- is it something you applied for? Or something whereby someone is offering you 'an opportunity' ?? Because I get offers like this all the time . Don't want to be a negative Nelly, just wondered if it might be the case.

You're right. They do read different. He isn't using me as a dogsbody and it wasn't my intention to say he was.

Of course he doesn't want you to take the job, he'll lose his live in servant and free carer for his mum.

Take the job, if he's anything but supportive after everything you've given up for him he's a twat

Take. The. Job.
You obviously want to.
You will come to regret it if you don't.

No all above board. It's common in the US to word holiday allowance as such, and it's not sales or MLM. I'd be the only person creating content in a very specific area of my skill set.

@DowntonTrout you sound an amazing partner. Marry me and take the job. I'm sure my DH won't mind!

First message:

Moved 2.5 hours from everything I knew to relocate with him and support his aging parents.
I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.
I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce
it shouldn't have to be me that gives up everything to fit around DP's job and family commitments?

most recent message:

I was signed off sick for 4 weeks and decided enough was enough.
DP supported my taking a short career break whilst I figured out where to go from here.
I haven't given up work to care for his mum. I'm popping in to make sure she's ok and to drop off shopping. When things progress carers will be paid for out of her own money.
I'm not giving up everything to be an unpaid carer. That's never been the plan.

You can see that there is a huge difference here.

In your first account you say one of the reasons for the move was to support his aging parents, your aim being to support his mum and keep her independent 'as long as possible'. Now you say you just 'pop in to make sure she is ok' and there was always a plan to have paid carers.

Your resignation has become a short career break, with the implication (in the second message) that you always planned to return to work.

If your second message is the case, then the only problem with the new job is that it has...come along sooner than expected, and requires some evening work (as does your DP's job, it seems)? If that is the case, then why is you DP objecting at all?

I think even if you didn't intend to become a permenant carer for his mum and all-round housewife and emotional support animal for your DP, it seems like that is exactly what he intends.

OP, I really hope you read these comments and realise that you are in a vulnerable position. Reading your original message and updates, it's clear that there are not just one but many red flags here.

I think you should absolutely take the job. It sounds like a great opportunity for you.

Don't be fooled. There is a thin line between wanting to do something for someone and feeling obligated to do something for someone. Often women don't realise they have been set up until it's too late. Don't be the woman who becomes trapped in an abusive relationship and financially dependent on your abuser. Be the woman who follows her dreams.

I would take the job!

also to add that there are quite a few US companies and their European branches offering unlimited annual leave now. It doesn’t mean that you can take 4 months holiday (for example) but it does mean that you are not fixed to the normal strict limit under law. It also depends on your work pressures.

it started with tech companies but not other types are offering it too.

Take the job. Yes a red flag for domestic abuse. (Not saying it necessarily is abuse but the way your DP is behaving making it all about him is typical narcissistic abuse)