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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

131 replies

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 11:02

I'll try and be succinct at the risk of being accused of drip feeding but this is complicated.

DP of 3 years after I had a harrowing divorce.
Moved 2.5 hours from everything I knew to relocate with him and support his aging parents. FIL has since died, MIL with dementia.
Huge task of clearing their previous home to make it saleable . They hoarded everything for 25 years and it will take months.

I had a management role in retail which was completely inflexible and a lot of responsibility. DP a teacher working 4 days. We had no time together and It was miserable so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.

A new job has literally been dropped in my lap. Twice what I ever earned, remote wfh, no set hours, unlimited paid holiday. US company so some time required to liaise with staff with a time difference so some evening meetings etc but largely left to my own devices. I wasn't looking and never imagined I could or would be offered such an opportunity.

DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. He's not in favour. Says he's worried about how it will impact us and our home will become my office. He won't be able to relax in the evenings, the hours won't match his etc, etc.

I'm disappointed because he's made it all about him. I was excited, if a little scared but I do see it wasn't the plan and will take some adjustment. I also wouldn't be able to be as much help with MIL although I would have much more time than I did in my previous job. I do accept we had an agreement going forward and I would be completely going back on it and we don't need the money to get by but it would make a huge difference.

I also think, whilst we are engaged but not married, I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce (emotionally controlling ex H) I suspect DP is also feeling a little insecure at the prospect of me taking this on.

Is this a red flag? AIBU in considering it as it would impact our lives or AINBU because it shouldn't have to be me that gives up everything to fit around DP's job and family commitments?

(Both have grown up DCs, not living with us. Own home outright with no mortgage, split 60/40 in my favour if any of that is relevant )

OP posts:

BlueGrey1 · 19/01/2024 12:18

I would definitely take the job, you need to be financially independent, he is being very selfish and I would say controlling, if the job dosent work out you can always leave

Your DP needs to know he can’t make decisions like these for you

The job sounds great

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:20

"Is DP possibly exaggerating the problems? You will have some evening meetings, but will you really never have evenings together?
If he is exaggerating, that may reflect his dislike of the whole idea and I think that is a bad sign. Also, many couples cope with working different shifts, and most teachers I know bring work home"

I think he's feeling insecure. We will have most evenings and all weekend together. I will also be able to minimise work time on his day off sometimes. I have had to sit here many times whilst he's marking or lesson planning. In truth he likes me being at home and is very steady. He also finds his job extremely stressful and I'm constantly listening to his issues at work, offering advice or suggesting coping strategies and generally being supportive.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 19/01/2024 12:22

Sounds like an amazing opportunity. You want it? Take it.

I can understand his dissapointment. Clearly you've made his life much easier. That's going to stop.

The red flag comes next. Is he dissapointed, but understands you can't turn down this offer.

Or sulky and resentful that you're not going to remain his helper indefinitely.

Jf20 · 19/01/2024 12:25

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:20

How old are you? It’s all so 1950s. I couldn’t stomach it. He likes you being at home, doing the chores then you need to sit and listen to his issues. How does it not give you the ick?

thinkfast · 19/01/2024 12:29

Take the job! Opportunities like this don't happen every day.

Yes, it will be a change from what you both envisaged but I'm sure you can BOTH make it work. It's normal for both partners in a couple to both work full time IMO. If your DP only works 4 days per week, he has time to look after his DM.

You can always re-assess in 6m whether or not the new role is working.

Id be very very disappointed in a DP that wasn't championing me.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 19/01/2024 12:29

You are not signing up for the rest of your life. It is a job. You can try it and see how it goes. Yes it will mean changes. And he has had everything his own way for a while. But a true partner, while they may express concern, would be supportive.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 19/01/2024 12:32

purpleme12 · 19/01/2024 11:13

Don't know about red flag
But honestly if your children are grown up I don't see any reason not to take the job if you want the job.
I don't think you should be expected to look after his mum in place of a job

I agree 100% with this.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:38

"I don't want to sound hard hearted but why do you care about his parents so much? It's not like you've been together for decades ....it's a relatively new relationship. What have his parents ever done for you?"

This is true. However I feel this way because both my parents are dead and my mother had dementia. It was a long, drawn out, terrible death. I recognised the signs immediately I met them and initially asked a few questions but it was all brushed aside. DP wasn't ready to believe it and there had been limited contact during Covid. His DFwas difficult and MIL was his carer. It was only when DFIL passed away suddenly that it became clear that he had been masking MIL dementia for some time.
It was only then we decided to move here as his mum wasn't safe alone and was incapable of doing anything by herself. The house has to be sold for when she needs care. She is so vulnerable it breaks my heart. I'm quite angry that DP and his brother (don't get me started on that) have allowed it to come to this. For now she's safe and warm and living in a clean house but it may only be for 6 months or a year- who knows. Having been through all this before I wanted to help. It's not my responsibility and I don't owe them anything. I did and do want to help though.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 19/01/2024 12:38

I hate to say it OP, but your updates are actually almost more red flaggy than him not wanting you to take the job. I have some sympathy for him not wanting to change things if they're working. But the fact that you apparently spend all your time together and that he feels you need to be sitting next to him while he's working, while also, of course, ensuring you're doing all the caring (and I'm guessing also household tasks at home) starts to stray into full blown controlling territory. The fact that you've already moved away from your original home, and therefore I assume also from any support network you have in place, is also concerning.

You're still fairly early days in this relationship so I did think originally it was weird that you'd taken on such a huge caring responsibility for his mother too, but figured you'd come out of a tough divorce and wanted something a little simpler.

But now I'm wondering if it's all about isolating you, making you feel responsible for other people, and having complete control over you. Abuse isn't always big, flashy and violent. It can be insidious and creep in when you're not looking.

Also, in your OP, this sentence rang alarm bells for me. DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. This could be innocent, but it does feel like the start of someone using sulking and silent treatment. You say he was "quiet" did you find yourself feeling a bit nervous or stressed about it? dDid it make you uncomfortable? Did it pre-dispose you to think he had a real problem with this job and maybe you shouldn't take it?

Edited because I hadn't seen your final update when I posted: covert narcissists can seem self deprecating, quiet, shy. But they have the core main issue as other narcissists - they cannot and will not take responsibility for anything. It sounds like, in this case, that includes his mother!

anotherside · 19/01/2024 12:38

The fact that he didn’t immediately say “ wow, amazing go for it” would have me seriously rethinking the whole relationship.

3 years together is nothing in the scheme of things. Certainly not enough to junk in a fantastic job offer/revive a career and instead become an unpaid domestic help.

Original poster

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:41

"Also, in your OP, this sentence rang alarm bells for me. DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. This could be innocent, but it does feel like the start of someone using sulking and silent treatment. You say he was "quiet" did you find yourself feeling a bit nervous or stressed about it? dDid it make you uncomfortable? Did it pre-dispose you to think he had a real problem with this job and maybe you shouldn't take it?"

Yes, yes and yes.

OP posts:

anotherside · 19/01/2024 12:42

In truth he likes me being at home and is very steady. He also finds his job extremely stressful and I'm constantly listening to his issues at work, offering advice or suggesting coping strategies and generally being supportive

What do you get out of the relationship? Certainly sounds like you are very supportive of him…

GabriellaMontez · 19/01/2024 12:42

So he's neglected his Mum.

But wants you to take care of her? It's sounding worse all the time.

Nicebloomers · 19/01/2024 12:42

Thementalloadisreal · 19/01/2024 11:19

He needs to take responsibility for looking after his own mother, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your career

Indeed. You need to make sure if he ever upped and left you or you decided to leave the relationship (unmarried or married) that you wouldn’t have to start your whole career off again. It was unwise to resign from your last job but it would be madness to not take this job. It sounds like a dream job. Lots of people have a spouse with an odd working pattern (me for one) but you just work around it and make sure you have quality time when you can get it. You have unlimited holiday.. you can take off the 13 weeks term breaks he has potentially. I think he’s bothered that he’ll have to look after his own mother and that situation more…

Igmum · 19/01/2024 12:45

Red red flag. You're his support human. You're not entitled to needs, feelings, ambitions. Please leave him.

Foxblue · 19/01/2024 12:45

The people saying 'he is right to raise is' are missing the point: he is right to raise it, but the only acceptable framing would be in terms of:
'Ooh, im worried we will get less time together, you've made such a huge sacrifice for me, so time for me to look at what I can do work wise to make sure we do get time together, get carers in etc'
I can't believe he let you give up your job! If it were the other way round, would you have let him give up his job and become financially dependent on you to care for your family members! The fact that he was happy for you to be in a vulnerable position to begin with is bonkers to me, isn't he meant to be the one looking out for you? Yes, it's difficult to obtain dementia home care from social services but it is doable, surely that's the first point of call rather than you giving up your job!! Please please please take the job.

Triffid1 · 19/01/2024 12:47

@DowntonTrout based on your response to my question - I think you need to find a counsellor or therapist who specialises in working with abused women. I'm very very sorry, but I think you have sleep walked into another abusive relationship and you should get out as fast as you can.

Buying a house with him was a mistake, but it sounds like you did at least put legal protections in place. So you need to get out of there, get your money out, and move on.

I know that's not what you want to hear and I also know that you're not going to upticks and leave on the say so of someone on the internet, but I am begging you to at least do this:

pay attention. Look at his actions day in and day out. Consider whether these really are the actions of someone who loves you, or someone who wants to use and control you/ And then hopefully, make ad decision down the line.

Also, definitely take th job. You need the financial independence.

FictionalCharacter · 19/01/2024 12:52

Take the job. Don't be an unpaid carer for someone else's mother for years, possibly decades. It would be utterly miserable for you as she declines and he'd have financial power over you. You would be trapped.

Interesting that he kept his job and financial independence, instead of caring for his mother himself and letting you financially support him.

Your left one bad relationship and now you're in another one. But you have a clear path to freedom and a better life.

declutteringmymind · 19/01/2024 12:55

Take the job.

Perhaps reassure your DP that you both can make accommodations but considering what you have done- moved, given up your job to support him, you are quite right to expect that degree of support in return. My own gut instinct is that he doesn't want to lose a carer for his mum and he will have to face up to his responsibilities and all the crap he doesn't want to deal with.

Take the job. His reaction will tell you everything.

FictionalCharacter · 19/01/2024 13:01

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:41

Yes, yes and yes.

WAKE UP. Please. You haven't been with him long, he's setting you up to be his unpaid carer for the rest her life, he's trying to make sure you have no money of your own so that you can't get away from him.

Thelnebriati · 19/01/2024 13:02

For your own sake, take the job and guard against any potential attempts to sabotage it.

Mysanthea · 19/01/2024 14:00

DowntonTrout · 19/01/2024 12:20

It seems absolutely ludicrous for a teacher to be objecting to you working some evenings. You're not an appendage to sit round and serve him, or a doll who is put away in its box waiting to be played with as he chooses. He'd have some evening work, you'd have some evening work, you both juggle a bit between you.

I would like to think the relationship is salvageable if he grows up and starts taking you seriously as an equal partner. But from what you've said all he seems interested in is what he wants.

Well done for getting the job. Honestly he should be celebrating with you and figuring out how he can help make it work.

squirrelnutkin10 · 19/01/2024 14:05

Hang on....

You're not even married and you quit your job to clear out his parents house and look after his mother.

Are you mad?!

This x 100% ^

disappearingfish · 19/01/2024 14:26

Take the job, obviously.

Don't bend over backwards to make it work in your relationship. You BOTH have to work at a relationship and I'm astounded that you previously gave up your job, to look after his parents.

Someone made a comment on another thread that single men in middle and older age were generally on the look out for "a nurse with a purse" and your DP's behaviour is not disproving this.

MatterofTime24 · 19/01/2024 14:32

I really can’t see why you ever moved away to be with him and then gave up your job to care for his family. Take this new role and if he doesn’t like it, go your separate ways.

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