Is this a red flag?

[DowntonTrout]

I'll try and be succinct at the risk of being accused of drip feeding but this is complicated.

DP of 3 years after I had a harrowing divorce.
Moved 2.5 hours from everything I knew to relocate with him and support his aging parents. FIL has since died, MIL with dementia.
Huge task of clearing their previous home to make it saleable . They hoarded everything for 25 years and it will take months.

I had a management role in retail which was completely inflexible and a lot of responsibility. DP a teacher working 4 days. We had no time together and It was miserable so I resigned with the intention of taking on more of the house clearing and supporting his mum in her new home to try and keep her independent as long as possible. DP said he would support me, we would manage financially.

A new job has literally been dropped in my lap. Twice what I ever earned, remote wfh, no set hours, unlimited paid holiday. US company so some time required to liaise with staff with a time difference so some evening meetings etc but largely left to my own devices. I wasn't looking and never imagined I could or would be offered such an opportunity.

DP came down this morning after being quiet for 2 days. He's not in favour. Says he's worried about how it will impact us and our home will become my office. He won't be able to relax in the evenings, the hours won't match his etc, etc.

I'm disappointed because he's made it all about him. I was excited, if a little scared but I do see it wasn't the plan and will take some adjustment. I also wouldn't be able to be as much help with MIL although I would have much more time than I did in my previous job. I do accept we had an agreement going forward and I would be completely going back on it and we don't need the money to get by but it would make a huge difference.

I also think, whilst we are engaged but not married, I currently have no security and actually, I don't want to be totally reliant on anyone again after my divorce (emotionally controlling ex H) I suspect DP is also feeling a little insecure at the prospect of me taking this on.

Is this a red flag? AIBU in considering it as it would impact our lives or AINBU because it shouldn't have to be me that gives up everything to fit around DP's job and family commitments?

(Both have grown up DCs, not living with us. Own home outright with no mortgage, split 60/40 in my favour if any of that is relevant )

Actually unlimited time off is not uncommon in US companies, particularly in certain industries such as tech. But the OP should check that the policy applies to the company's UK employees, not just the US employees.

Bullshit, particularly about him being the most selfish man ever. He's entitled to worry that he won't be able to interact with his partner if she's working evenings, which she has said she has to do. Also unlimited holidays don't really mean that. Studies have shown that people that work at companies with unlimited holidays actually take less than those with defined numbers.

I wouldn't have agreed to stop working and to take on caring responsibilities for his mum without some kind of ironclad financial protection system in place. I think it's entirely reasonable for you to make the point that this opportunity just came up, the money would be great and that you are not comfortable being entirely dependent on him in this situation.

If he has specific concerns about how it impacts him, then he needs to offer suggestions that offer a way through rather than simply vetoing the option in favour of continuing with the current status quo.

I would take the job if it made me happy. Do you really want to basically become his mum's carer

What is the job OP because it sounds like something I want. MIL can have carers and he can look after her on his days off today. It's his mum, you're not married. DO IT. Do not let him Rob you of this opportunity.

Not a red flag.
It is a huge red firework exploding all round you, throwing red streamers across the sky, and dropping bright red ping pong balls all over your garden.
That’s my opinion anyway.

Is DP possibly exaggerating the problems? You will have some evening meetings, but will you really never have evenings together?
If he is exaggerating, that may reflect his dislike of the whole idea and I think that is a bad sign. Also, many couples cope with working different shifts, and most teachers I know bring work home.

You could use some of the extra money to make your life with DP easier and/or more fun.

You have already gone against your own interests to help DP’s family. You need a better balance. It doesn’t sound like this excellent job will create an all or nothing situation, in terms of continuing to help. Please take it.

Take the job and if he can’t accept that’s what’s best for you then move back to your own area and make a new home for yourself.

That’s shocking, he wants you to be the hired help. Care for his parents do the house, so he doesn’t have to. He sees you as a thing and he’s worried if you take this he might have to do something,

id end the relationship, genuinely.,rather than be with someone so selfish, and who saw me as nothing more than the home help who provided sex.

Take the job lovely- as it is you have zero security - read through posts in here on women who moved away to fit in with a partner- gave up jobs and it all went horribly wrong- he will either step up or he won't- I'm very suspicious of why he doesn't want you to take it and I don't think it's connected to less time in an evening etc- pretty sure it's connected to using you as an unpaid carer because he doesn't much fancy it

I think it's very clear he sees you as the carer for his mum ,the housewife for him
My advice is take the job and get your own place ..he is not going to support you ,so I'd leave and get my own home and take the job

Me too, I’m horrified he got her to agree to this.

He’s entitled to his opinion and worries. Surely it’s a good thing that he has verbalised them rather than sulking?

If you want the job then discuss it and agree on some ground rules around WFH and evenings. I suspect you are, to a degree, minimising any pitfalls. It may have a lot of advantages but may well be more pressured and less flexible than you are hoping for and US employees take vastly less holiday time than U.K. workers.

Maybe agree to listen to his worries and put some strategies in place to mitigate them? And if you decide to take the job it doesn’t bind you to it for life.

Take the job!

You’re not married.
You have moved to accommodate looking after his parents.
You are financially dependent on him.

Take this opportunity!

Good luck!

If you want this job you bloody well take it. Do NOT let this man dictate and control your life.

It’s not as if you have children and he’s worried about childcare etc. he’s being selfish and worrying about who will possibly pick up the slack of his responsibilities for his aging parent!

take the job and keep your money separate.

op is there even a date for the wedding things booked? Or do you think he’s stringing you along so you can’t get access to his money? Do you think he will bin you off when his mother dies and he doesn’t need the care worker, or keep you going as long as you cook the meals and do the housework ?

He can pay for someone to clear the house and care for his mother when he can't, he should be doing this regardless.

You must take the job. Elderly care and house clearance are time limited and make you completely reliant on him. Short term logistics need navigating but your long term security is at stake here.

He wants to keep you out of work, dependant on him and as an unpaid skivvy for his family.
Shades of your ex there potentially?
Red flags ahoy.

We both sold our homes and bought a house together although I have put in more than him hence the 60/40 split as tenants in common as I have a decent settlement from my divorce and wanted to protect it.

I also have investments and a decent pension pot that can no longer be paid into as it was split from my divorce. Plus a couple of other pensions from previous jobs which I'll have to take advice on from an accountant on what to do now.

I agree that he is entitled to have reservations which is why I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable but I'm disappointed that I've given him and his parents so much support. I'm very proactive and make things happen, like getting an LPA which was vital in beginning to sort his mums affairs out and getting her diagnosis as he couldn't see it as they had been like that for so long and it had become worse during lockdown so no one realised how bad it had got. It took a lot of convincing him that there was a problem and not just being quirky and set in their ways.

Welching on the agreement. Yes, I do feel like that. I'm moving the goalposts. It was only intended as a short term, few months, measure until things were sorted and I decided what I wanted to do- work part-time/set up a business so in that respect he was giving me the time and space to adjust. It made sense that I also got on with the house clearance and kept an eye on MIL during that time. She will have to have proper care at some point which I won't be providing.

It's a real job! I'm linked to someone who has worked for this company for 25 years remotely from Europe. I'd be independently working on specific projects and feeding back to teams in the US and Europe so no need to work within US times as we'd have 1pm to 6pm to communicate in normal working hours anyway. Sometimes I'd have stuff to do in the evenings if it was important but definitely not every night.

I'm the one who doesn't want to get married yet. I'm quite damaged from my previous experience. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

I don't want to sound hard hearted but why do you care about his parents so much? It's not like you've been together for decades ....it's a relatively new relationship. What have his parents ever done for you?

Don’t forget that you are a whole person with your own unique potential in this one short life that you’ll have, he’s been incredibly fortunate that you’ve been so giving and so willing to make sacrifices to help him out thus far, if you want to take this job now and have something for yourself then you should.

God forbid that this relationship doesn’t go the distance, and you find yourself single again in a year or twos time, I think you might view this job as “the one that got away”.

Take it, see how it goes, if it’s not all it’s cracked up to be then you can resign and regroup.

OP
Yes lots of red flags 🚩 and a fiancé who seems to want everything his way including looking after his ailing Mother -
clearing the house of hoarders whilst he is procrastinating doing his part time job.
Ridiculous
This job sounds an amazing opportunity, grasp it and keep your financial independence.
This relationship maybe suited for the short term. He takes and expects you to give - not very healthy x x

I don't think it's a red flag... the reason you gave up your last job because you werent spending time tigether. You will be working on a different time zone so you wont spend any time together again .
Do t be fooled by the unlimited paid holidays American companies are very high pressure and you wont take many holidays as you will be under pressure to complete projects wtc

Take the job OP! If it doesn't work out you can resign, but you may seriously regret it if you don't take this opportunity.