To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

“Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can.”

That someone should not be your mum! You’re not selfish to not let your mum claim it but you would be selfish if you did let her. That money could be distributed elsewhere to someone that genuinely needs it, your mum does not. She is lazy and entitled and if she needs more money to afford what she needs then she needs to get herself out to work like plenty of 60 year olds do!

It’s illegal. Fraud. Not something you should even consider.

It is a lot OP, and I have the utmost respect for you that you manage all this whilst holding down a job. I am sure that your DD is every bit as wonderful as you describe, and the reality of what is involved in caring for her is nothing to do with that.

Please don't feel guilty or that you are in any way selfish in saying no to your mother trying to claim for caring that she does not do; you are entirely in the right on this.

Of course she can't claim it!! Aside from it being fraud why can't your mother just work, like the rest of us have had to do?! Unbelievable.

I am very happy to pay taxes so that it can benefit people in your position with a disabled child. But your comment 'Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. ' is so out of order. We don't pay taxes so your mum can illegally claim benefit. There is not this endless pot of money.

If your mum isn’t interested in working, then how would she be interested in being a carer who cares for her dgc for 35hrs a week? Unless she wants to claim it whilst not actually doing any caring? Not sure why you’d even ask the question as the answer should just be no

YANBU; that would be benefit fraud, and she would undoubtedly be found out sooner or later, and you might also be in trouble if you knew about it and enabled it.

The OP works and pays tax too, don’t worry.

Unless she actually does take over the care; and, from the sound of it, she would not be a very reliable carer.

Your mother sounds like a lazy, work-shy chancer, someone who epitomises all that's wrong with the benefit system. NO, don't let her claim it.

No.
Your mother sounds needy.
Has she thought of volunteer work.

She could be suited to reading and playing with children in a hospital.
She could hone her carer instinct and then maybe work part time in a library.
She needs to find work where she feels capable and loved.

'Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits.'

Oh do go ahead- I don't mind paying my taxes so your mum can fraudulently claim benefits when does not do the caring and is just looking for money instead of working. As you say, selfish not to let her really. 🤬

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor You sound an absolute brilliant mum. The love for your daughter just shines through your posts! She couldn't wish for a better Mum!

Sounds like she is already committing enough benefit fraud without your help! Of course don't let her!

I’d give her sod all.

She wants public money for doing nothing. You are right not to allow this. In any case it would be fraud if she isn't providing the required care.

You shouldn't have to explain what you do for your DD on here. I would say any parent looks after the children for more than 35 hours a week. Every child is 24 hour care and everyone has to be on standby for the school because school isn't childcare as they like to tell you us. Obviously what you do for your DD is a lot more than we do for our DC because your DD needs more help than others. I don't think you should give your mum the carers because you have too much to lose. I get it's hard to say no and I'd struggle saying no to my DM but you have a lot to lose and you have to put you and your DD 1st. Good luck with whatever you do and I hope it gets easier for your DD xx

I'm gobsmacked that you would even consider this. I'm in receipt of carer's allowance as I care full time for my 30 year old autistic learning disabled son. No respite at all, it's 24/7 and carer's allowance isn't a huge amount of money. People like your mother who game the system make life harder for those of us who legitimately need these allowances as Government feel the need to make it harder to claim!

How exactly is she fit to care for a child with extensive needs, if she is not fit to work? She isn't.

She would be giving minimal help and taking a load of money from the government for it. You would be working even harder - longer hours at work and then the bulk of the caring still to do when you returned.

Your current arrangement sound like they work reasonably. Don't let her mess it up for her own personal gain.

I would say as you are so disabled mum you can’t adequately care for dd. I read a post on here earlier today about a poor lady who has had cancer and a stroke and is severely disabled and struggling to get the right benefits, or even the food bank and is therefore living in poverty, and your mum wants to exploit the system in this way! Quite shocking

Yanbu op. Though you getting a carers element in your UC will not be why your work are being good to you. It will be because you have a disabled child. There are many people in the same situation as you but who get legacy benefits that won't have the carers element noted anywhere on their benefit claim as it doesn't exist unless they specifically claim carers allowance (which you can't if you earn too much) and they should still get the same allowances.

Yeah this was my WTF too.

@CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor you sound like an amazing mum and pretty sound all round - I'm not surprised your employer is flexible -seems like they value you and are keen to hold on to you.

Your mum however does not sound like a doting granny, she sounds mercenary - ready to jump at the chance of taking advantage of your daughters illness. Id have shot her down at the first suggestion.

She does not have your daughter best interests at heart.

While that's generally true, and I know it's unlikely to be the case, but it depends on what ails her as to what work is more difficult.

Sorry clicked yabu by mistake. No don't let her claim it she is not the carer!