To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

Sorry OP but your mum sounds like an awful human being! I can’t imagine any nice person wanting to using their own grandchild’s disability to claim money that they aren’t entitled to in the first place, let alone push the subject when told that it would be detrimental their own daughter.

Don’t collude in fraud OP, especially not for someone that has so little respect for you and your child.

Your employers sound absolutely amazing and I'd hang onto that job like a barnacle on a barracuda.

Your mum OTOH... This really pisses me off. Yes working is hard. We do it anyway, because why should someone else work so you don't have to? FFS

Why is that funny?

Threads generally have to be a) the same scenario and b) be answered by the same posters in order to make any claims or comparisons that hold up to scrutiny.

I'm not sure I've seen another thread where the op is being pressured into helping a family member commit benefit fraud and the replies have been keep their beak out. Have you?

Should I let my mother fraudulently claim that she is looking after my daughter to get carers allowance paid for by the state?

-No.

You are joking, right? She's asking you to commit fraud, so that she can get money from the state? And what if she gets found out (which she may well do, as it seems she has a 'track record' for pretending she's got every complaint under the sun) - what then? Where does that leave you - will the authorities start investigating you next, or stop one of your benefits? You are crazy if you consider this for even one minute. Tell her to take a hike.

Not RTFT so someone may have pointed this out - but if she’s convinced she’s so unwell herself, how can she safely drop her off and collect her from school? Also, no it’s fraud!

@BrightYellowDaffodil Your post made me 🤣🤣 you're spot on! I think the OP's mother is a contender for the Mexican House Thief cheeky fucker my jaw is still on the floor in shock at the entitlement of the OP's mother lol

Are you seriously considering facilitating, and being party to, fraud? Because if you are, you're out of your mind.

You have to be caring for 35 hours a week to claim. You are her carer whether you earn too much to actually receive it is irrelevant

The adjustment they have made seem above and beyond. Stick with them they sound a great employer.

But it doesn't mean that money will be paid out to somebody who needs it. Nor will it be spent on public services or education or anything else of value. Those are all areas with planned real term cuts. Nor could it be.

Spending for the year comes from money generated by the Bank of England for that year. If ever there was a surplus it would, like our tax revenue, simply be used to pay towards the previous years balance.

Where I live in England, the healthy life expectancy for women is 57, with 30% of their lives spent in poorer health. So maybe she doesn't feel healthy enough to work, despite being deemed fit to work.

She may be right about working 5 or 6 hours a week as well. As studies have shown that's where the positive psychological benefits of work end.

But, it's up to you if you want her to be a carer for your daughter. If it's of no benefit to you or your daughter, she'll have to think of an alternative way of increasing her income.

YANBU @CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor I don't think you can rely on her to do all the stuff that needs doing for your DD, she's too selfish and lazy. It'd be different if you could rely on her to do it, but you can't.

Does your mother actually help with your daughter at all right now? If she doesn't then her asking this of you is awful and selfish

If she doesn't feel healthy enough to work, she's not healthy enough to be a caregiver for a child with multiple serious health conditions. Which is a lot more work and responsibility than a lot of jobs are. I sit in an office chair all day and it's far less effort than looking after a child.

So pleased you’ve made the right decision. The only decision you can make. Your mother only has her own interests at heart, trying to use your dd for financial gain. At the moment she’s full of promises that she would take some of the burden from you but it wouldn’t last long and you’d end up worse off than you are now.

It’s fraud, and what gets people who have support from benefits a bad name. She should know better.

Apart from the fact that its fraud, she is greedy and grabby...who on earth would want their disabled daughter to go with such a person on a regular basis? You should be the one managing her care, her appointments, pushing to ensure she gets the best care and looking after her interests. I'm sorry you are in this situation with your daughter but you need to do this for your daughter.

Your mum and people like her are the reason people on benefits get a bad name. She sounds like an absolute parasite.

Nope that is fraud and supposing at some point you do need to claim and your circumstances mean you are eligible? She isn't caring for your daughter and if she is so disabled she can't work then she is not capable of caring for your DD. She sounds lazy and grabby.

Numerous claimants claim sickness and disability benefit whilst claiming to be carers too.

Care I provide which is way more than 35 hours per week

• I get DD up, she often needs lifting out of bed especially right now due to the cold
• I supervise DD eating - she can feed herself but she needs supervising as she either eats it so quick she'll choke or so slowly she'd still be eating it when the bell rang for start of the school day (2 hours after she gets up btw!)
• I have to help her get dressed as she can't do her trousers/skirt/tights/socks herself
• I have to remind her to wipe when she uses the toilet and then remind her to wash her hands
• I have to help her into and out of the bath, she can't shower as she finds it painful. I have to remind her to actually wash herself and rub in the soap and then to actually wash the soap off, if she's in pain I have to physically wash her
• I take her to and from school even though most of her Year 5 friends are starting to go by themselves a few times a week (if they're parents are at home at normal time they'd leave/get home, if not they're still at wraparound) because despite being there since Reception and us walking it many times she still goes the wrong way every day!
• When it's wet/icy/cold she holds my hand when we walk as she feels unsafe
• When we drive I have to help her with her seatbelt and often lift her out of the car
• She can't go up or down stairs so we live in a bungalow because of that - school have the fire exit open when she needs to go into her classroom as it's a portacabin/mobile classroom and has a few steps to access it
• I need the heating on and get through an insane amount of gas because if she's cold then she can't walk at all
• She sometimes uses a wheelchair as she gets tired
• She loses everything
• She has nose bleeds
• She has falls and bleeds a lot due to that so school will call me and ask me to go and check she doesn't need a+e at least twice a week
• I've been to A+E with her 3 times since the start of the year due to excessive for her bleeding
• I sometimes have to go in at night and put her back to bed as she falls out - occasionally she hits her head or gets a carpet burn that bleeds
• If the ta who gives her pain meds is off I have to go into school and give her them

Wow written down it's a lot, she is an absolute delight, the cheekiest funniest sassiest girl I've ever met and i love her more than anything and wouldn't change her for the world, but yeah it's a lot. I don't think my mum would manage even half that so thank you everyone it's a flat out no you're not claiming it.

It's a different scale. Its not 'just' parenting.

It's only being able to with half days because your child can't access childcare/education for a full day.

It's surviving on small amounts of broken sleep every night way beyond an age that's 'normal'

It's getting up multiple times a night to change the nappy of a school age child.

It's arranging your whole life seeking their care.

It's where putting your career on definite hold is the best case scenario.

It's juggling all the extra appointments, assessments, prescriptions.

I parent a regular child. It's hard work.
I also parent a disabled child. It's on a different scale. I don't begrudge a moment of her care but her disability was acquired, and it's changed the path of our family, permanently affected our income capacity.

This grandmother is horrific. But don't begrudge the small amount that carers can claim*

*I'm another one that doesn't, because I have flexible work that takes me over the limit.

Same!!!!! Absolutely she should not claim it. She's just in it for the 'benefits'

She's not your Daughters Carer though is she?

If she's not 'well enough' to work more than 5 hours a week then she definitely won't be 'well enough' to be a full time Carer and all the stress both physically and mentally that that entails...

She sounds absolutely vile and in all honesty you sound a bit silly to be asking such a stupid question 🤷‍♀️

My mum claimed CA for my son for a year when she didn’t want to return to work after having been furloughed and had one year until state pension age. It worked out alright for us as I was able to work longer hours and she’d cook a couple of days a week and we’d all eat together, which was lovely. However it did put a strain on our relationship as it was often a bind to fulfil the 35 hours and really wasn’t up for the commitment that it required.

In the end, I was relieved when the year was up so that we could go back to normal again!