To feel bad but not let her claim the carers allowance?

[CaringResponsibilitiesWhoFor]

My mum is early 60s and does not want to work, if she has to work, she wants to work about 5 hours a week but earn the equivalent of full time. She’s tried everything to get out of working, claiming various injuries, illnesses and even latching on to my DDs disability and telling people she has that. She’s been sent for assessments for ESA and PIP and each time been told as she lives independently, drives and can walk (albeit she puts on a limp) she can work – she goes on holiday alone at least twice per year. She went through a phase of repeatedly seeing the GP and now very rarely gets an appointment with them.

My DD is 9, and in receipt of DLA (MRC and LRM). She has a number of conditions all diagnosed including a genetic condition – we found out that I do not have the genetic code for this condition, so the chances are my mum/family also don’t have it. I strongly suspect ExH has the same condition but he’s refused testing which is his prerogative. The genetic condition causes all of her other diagnosed conditions, so I literally cannot see how mum has it.

My mum has latched onto this and keeps saying she has this condition and am I 100% certain I am not a carrier for it as she has all the symptoms. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some sort of condition; I am not qualified to say but the way she goes on and acts you’d think she was nearer to 90 – she walks with a stick, will ask me or DD how she got a wheelchair on the NHS as she needs one. She’s openly admitted its to get out of working as she thinks shes too old.

Both me and ExH earn too much to get carers allowance, but I get a UC top up on my wages which has the Disabled Child element and Carers Element added – although the latter mostly gets taken off due to me earning too much. My work do take into account this though so if I’m needed to drop everything and go to DDs school or to assist on school trips or I need to work from home because DD hasn’t slept well and therefore I haven’t slept well I can do all that. They also guarentee me time off for DDs appointments and meetings with school no matter when these are or if there’s already to many people off on that day – if it’s for an appointment they let me have it off. And they gave me paid leave for 6 weeks last year when DD had a surgery and she couldn’t go to school. If I lost the carers element I’d lose that flexibility, it’s classed as a reasonable adjustment for my status as a carer.

My mum has asked me if she can claim carers for DD, because in her words “Its money you’re not getting that someone can get”. She knows this means she won’t have to work as I claimed it for awhile when DD first got awarded DLA, and I wasn’t expected to work or look for it. She also knows it brings in the carers element of UC (even though you lose it £ for £ anyway if you get CA) and brings other things that she likes the idea of like a carers card to get a discount on things and carers performances at the local theatre (you do not have to have the person who you care for with you for these, they are literally performances of panto/theatre shows put on purely for carers, NHS and other emergency workers with proof that you are entitled to it they are usually free or heavily discounted entry I’ve booked Annual Leave at work a few times to go to them and they’re generally very good).

Part of me feels it’s selfish to not let someone claim it, after all neither me or ExH can. But then I feel like DD is my child, mum wouldn’t actually be doing any caring but would get all the benefits. She wouldn’t be able to go to some of DDs appointments as it needs to be a holder of PR for some things (start and end of Physio, surgeries etc.).

She thinks she can pick DD up from school and take her every day (another adjustment I have) so I can up my hours to “make up” for losing the flexibility at work and that she can do the appointments I’m not needed for, and if DD has another surgery she can do all the caring while I work.

She said I should ask you MN because she thinks you will all say she should have the carers allowance. That she's a doting granny and she should spend the next few years until retirement helping me so I can progress my career.

I'm not career minded, I am happy at my current level so thats not a consideration for me.

So voting:

YANBU - Don't let mum claim it
YABU - Let your mum claim it

I know :) again, I wasn't saying it wasn't and I'm more than familiar with that system and how hard taking care of disabled children is. But even though you thought that's what I'd said, I appreciate the post to educate rather than attack, nice change in aibu :)

This. Don’t do it OP

YANBU

To claim it she would have to be caring for your DD for at least 35 hours per week, which it sounds like is not the case.

I’m intrigued about the comment about your work making reasonable adjustments for you due to the carer status. My DS gets the same DLA rates as your DD, I also earn too much to claim careers allowance, but had not heard about work having to make reasonable adjustments.

You sound like a lovely, caring person. But what a ridiculous woman your mother is. Her sense of entitlement is off the charts.

Apart from her greedy approach to this money and willingness to commit fraud, it’s hugely insulting that she pretends to have the same condition as your DD. She should be ashamed of herself.

Its fraudulent and morally wrong. She sounds like a real piece of work.

It's carers allowance, not malingerers allowance

Wow, what a selfish, greedy grabber your mum is! FML. That would be a hard NO.

@Allymayd I'm not sure that they have to, my employer just choose to, which I am incredibly grateful for because it means I can carry on working while being a carer/mum.

It would be extremely unreasonable (and illegal) for you to collude with your mother to commit fraud.

The behaviour is so bizarre it's hard to believe this is real. On the assumption that it is, I think she sounds like a potential danger to your daughter because she is willing to go to such extremes, either to get her own way or to validate her belief that she has some kind of condition or illness.

'No, Mum, we've got to keep it simple. We don't know if our circumstances will change in the future.'

It’s fraud for a start so definitely wouldn’t.

If she’s not caring for your child as a carer then no. What she’s describing is childcare, which she’s clearly capable of. I am so sick of benefit abuse lately, so much of it goes on and it winds me up. My own mother has managed to save up tens of thousands whilst being on benefits for years. She last worked at 42, and whilst yes she did have a bad back and her heavy lifting job was unsuitable (what caused the back back) she could have done a different job over the working years she had left. She’s well into official retirement now but has already been retired 30yrs. Here’s me working my ass off and some days I do get tired of these things. Though no, I wouldn’t want to do the same as I have a strong work ethic, clearly not from my mother

Looking forward to hearing your mother's reaction to MN's reactions.

Tell her if she's willing to care for your DD for a minimum of 35 hours per week then (after a trial run) she can go ahead and claim it. If not, then no.

Given that she is trying shirk out of doing anything I’d expect her to let you down.

You have a good set up, you do t want to mess that up, but thanks for offering.

No, it's fraud. Your mum should be ashamed of herself!

This actually gives me the rage.

I can't work outside the home because my kids have needs that are too high. We spend multiple times what we get in benefits on sorting the kids and it is, even with a husband with a good job, a massive juggle. Your career is and has been and always will be impacted, and the additional UC top up will also entitle you to eg cheaper broadband, as well as being a carer assistant to taking DD to places which she may or may not feel up to staying.

I didn't even know that you could go to things as a carer without the child in question, because I can't really leave the kids with many people other than their dad, anyway. It's like that lovely charity offering breaks in nice hotels for a carer and companion - most carers I know are like me, and can't use them because our kids have such specific needs, very few can support them. So it's a non-starter.

The benefit system is a net to help people like us help our kids. It's not for your mum to piggyback via fraud. People doing this stuff is why there is such cynicism around the welfare safety net. I would, like you, be over the moon if the day arrives where my kids aren't entitled to DLA or, in due course, PIP, but I can't see that day ever arriving quite frankly. So my focus is on ensuring that they are employable (because contrary to public belief, many people with PIP do work).

We spend much, much more than we get on the kids. I've spent well over a grand this month on expert and legal advice to sort a child out as they approach secondary transfer, and private tutoring for one whose school place has just broken down (again...), and that's not even unusual. That is what this is for. To support you and me, in supporting our kids. That that support gobbles up all their DLA plus the Carers is just par for the course - at least that money means we can do what we need to do for them.

Your mum does sound like she has some mental health issues she might do well to get assessed. But your child is not her meal ticket.

No, no, no.

You need an adult with parental responsibility (I.E mum or dad) at appointments as other people can not consent for your daughter's treatment.

If your mum hasn't be providing care now, she is cheeky to suggest she should be paid for something she doesn't do.

You should not risk loosing the flexibility work are giving you.

Good god no. I don’t even know what to say…
And an insult to those of us who are actual carers .

This better not be a reverse.

The criteria for claiming carers allowance and/ or carers element of UC is that she cares for the person for 35 hours a week. It really doesn't sound like she meets the criteria and you should let her know that.
If it makes you feel any better about your earnings reducing the carers element of UC, earnings reduce the whole award not just one element.
What is her work coach doing to help her look for employment?
You also need that carers element on your claim in case they start asking parents to do more hours as their kids get older - that element recognizes that you are her main carer. In my work role I've had quite a number of people ask me if their relative can claim carers just so they don't have to look for work whilst not actually doing any caring. The worst thing is that no-one ever checks up so a lot of this fraud just gos on for years.

The OP has made my piss boil 😡

Funny, isn’t it, how on just about every thread where someone says they know for a fact that X person is fiddling benefits, 90% of replies tell the OP to keep their beak out, none of their business, what about all the seriously rich people’s loopholes, etc. etc….

Yet here’s someone who doesn’t work and doesn’t ever intend to, who is hoping to go on the fiddle, being hung, drawn and quartered here, metaphorically speaking.

Of course she can't claim it. What planet is she on that she even thinks it's reasonable?

Why is she so workshy?

definitely a no, OP.

Your mum seriously thinks she can be a carer 35 hours a week and at the same time that she can have a life where she spends lots of leisure time enjoying the "freebies" and discounts coming from being a carer - these seem somewhat incompatible, as she would need to do after school care and at least one weekend day to hit the hours. Doesn't sound as if it would enhance your life or that of your DD.