Six year old completely burnt out from school.

[primaryproblems]

Dd6 is fine during the holidays and weekends but can't cope with the long school days, she comes home emotional and breaks down into tears saying it's all too much, she can't handle being in school all day and all week only having 2 days off and spends most evenings crying over anything and everything one thing after another.
She begs me not to send her to school because she's too tired and I feel completely helpless because I have to force her to go.
I completely understand how she feels but there's nothing I can do.
She asked if she can have one day off in the middle of the week to rest which sounds quite reasonable given how burn out she is but I'm not in a position to authorise that.
If an adult was completely overwhelmed and burn out like this they'd be signed off sick but talking to the school doesn't help, they just say she's fine once she's here, she'll get through it but they don't see her when she comes home and then there's homework and reading to get on with when she's passed out on the sofa too tired to even eat.
She's always in bed by 7 and sound asleep by 10 past that's if she hasn't fallen asleep before hand and been carried up and she is soo tired int the morning.
I feel so bad it seems like child cruelty to me but no matter how much she talks to me my hands are tied because the law says she should be in school because all the other children can cope.

The poor concentration is also a factor.
The eyes glazing over.
There is a type of ADHD called inattentive ADHD.

Is her handwriting laborious and untidy?
When doing 'coloring in' does she just scribble over the edges just to get it done, rather than lovingly enjoy the process of working on it?

Other factors - the Context:

Are you at home all day?
Has anything changed at home in the past few months?
A job change, house move, adult moved in or out, etc., a bereavement?

How was she from Sept to December this year?

Just checking to see if there is any 'playing up' going on, where she's trying to get a way to stay at home with you, for some internal need of hers.
Sometimes a young child feels they need to see the parent to keep the parent safe.

But it sounds like she's not refusing to go in, she's just over whelmed.

Does she enjoy playtime and mix OK with others?

Write it all down and BRING HER TO THE GP.
she is getting 13.5 hours sleep a night and is still exhausted, something is not right.

Hi Op, my now 8 yr old daughter finds school extremely exhausting. She has Aspergers type autism diagnosed at 5 but presents as quiet and compliant at school. She masks highly which like your experience, results in thinking we have an at school child and an at home child. It's like walking on eggshells often at home and I have to parent differently to manage behaviour. School are only beginning to see the problems with focus and concentration now and her anxiety is becoming more obvious. If your daughter is vocalising her needs and is 'good' holiday and weekend times I would ignore schools opinion about no difficulties and push for assessment for possible asd spectrum disabilities.

Your school will likely not be open to this but we flexischool 1 day a week. Had to fight for it but it is possible. DD needs that extra time to decompress. Our main argument for flexischool was that if she's not regulated and taking all her emotional energy to just manage school she's not going to actually learn anything and the incremental strain will cumulatively inhibit her learning potential.
We've been doing it since August and headteacher happy she's not falling behind and it's good for connection and following her lead for what she wants to learn or is struggling with. Often, we just have a down day because it's needed, and then she's more open to learning through playing at other times.
She's still in bed by 7 and asleep by half past at the latest but is up early regardless of whether she's tired or not.
I hope this gives you a different perspective, albeit a scottish one.

This was also what crossed my mind. I am the parent of two girls with autism. My eldest child presented with mental health problems after burnout at high school. My youngest is at primary and she holds it all together at school bit the fallout after can be explosive (a good day is just tears).

I'm amazed this hasn't been said more

My sister really struggled with school and had a nap afterwards every day till she was about 16. She's strong as an ox now (touch wood).

I was okay ish at school but got ill a lot. This was ages ago so much easier to just give your child a day off when needed.

Then work....after 15 years of long hours, I was so done. Some of us don't fit the demands of society. Some of us tire easily. By all means see a doc, but if nothing is wrong, as I very much hope, adjustments will need to be made for her.

"it seems like child cruelty to me"

You want to watch this process in yourself. If she gets a sniff that you might allow her to never go to school, she'll take you up on that.

I also wouldn't be saying to her 'but it's the law you have to go'
Because that's you saying 'if it were me, I'd let you stay home, but I can't.

So if you say ANYTHING like that, you are basically saying 'I want you at home'.

I'd be saying 'school is fun and you will start to enjoy it. Now let's decide what cookies we'll bake after school tomorrow'.
Or 'if you enjoy playing with your friends then school can actually be fun for that'

You have to talk up the positives and not try to defend the negatives.

If there is ANY personal reason you have, for wanting her to not go to school and stay home with you, then she will pick up on that and feel a NEED to stay home with you.

Not saying that is the case at all. Could be totally totally barking up wrong tree here.
Just to keep in mind there are a variety of factors at play.

Is she in Y1? My dd is too and I'd say don't underestimate the jump in work and expectations. It could just be that's she's really exhausted keeping up appearances and not necessarily because there's ND.

I totally agree take her to your GP. I think this level of exhaustion medical causes need to be ruled in/out. I'd also be articulating with school just how hard she's finding it. Can they offer her a quiet space to go to if she's feeling tired/overwhelmed? I might sound mean but I would definitely not go down the road of keeping her off school if you can avoid it. She is then going to learn at a very young age that if she's uncomfortable she can just bow out rather than learning resilience.Give her as much down time as needed at evenings and weekends and make it clear to her that you're taking her to the doctor because you believe what she's saying but unfortunately school isn't optional and she needs to know that

This is what Long Covid looked like at the start for my kids, before we got them on reduced timetables and mixed in online learning. Some research shows autism can be a risk factor for Long Covid. Definitely get your girl to the GP.

For what its worth,
We had similar issues... they'd been trying hard to fit in all day and just couldn't keep it in by the time they got home.

Mine were summer babies and therefore the youngest in their year group.
They found it very hard and often overwhelming in the early years but gradually got used to it. She's still only six. They were very energetic found learning to sit still at school all day draining.

January was also hard because getting up in the dark and the cold weather wasn't inviting. And I noticed it was sometimes difficult to get back into the school routine after the holidays.

It also took me a while to work out that they were really "Hangry" when I picked them up and eventually I realised that they couldn't even wait to get home but needed food and drink there and then, so I used to bring small snacks and water etc which they fell on. This had a really noticeable effect on behaviour. As not too much chat from me on the way home and a quiet half hour when they got in so that they could just chill a bit and I moved their dinner time earlier. I had to move homework time later as they just couldn't take any more immediately after school. Sitting quietly with them doing something myself writing or also helped. A pyjama day at the weekend if they were really worn out. They soon perked up
Although I would definitely second a GP check to make sure, first.

@primaryproblems I'd ask the school staff whether your dd eats all her lunch. Does she have a snack during the day and breakfast? It's not great that she routinely skips dinner because she's too tired to eat. Is she underweight?

You should also take her to the GP so they can rule out something like anaemia, which can make you tired.

It is such a long day for them, op, sitting and paying attention with less nice things like art etc as they go on. I remember one day realising this as I hadn't drawn conclusions form the fact that they used to all start arguing on the way home in the car on a Thursday evening and Friday afternoon was like 'okay go do what you want to' when they got home. We definitely forget that as parents. I don't know what the answer is though other than a check from gp and some form of pick me up. With the weather as it is and the lack of warmth and sunshine/ vitamin d it's probably not helping either. I disagree she should go to bed earlier as seven is a decent time.

Why are you completely ignoring the fact that everyone says you need to take her to the GP?

Have you looked into potential special educational needs? My two have sensory processing disorder and find the noise and bustle of school overwhelming. You mention she wears ear defenders which made me think this could be a possibility. Girls can easily be overlooked for SEN as they tend to mask and find ways around their challenges. All this comes at an emotional, mental and physical cost which it sounds like you are seeing at home. Poor thing sounds absolutely overwhelmed.

I think organising a half day mid week sounds like a brilliant idea. You don't want to set in motion school refusal later down the line. Do chase the school and GP for a proper diagnosis not just a screening which is a very blunt tool and may not pick up anything.

SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE HER TO THE GP???

That should be your first port of call as pretty much everyone has said!

This occurred to me too as a possibility. The natural response is to want to placate and empathise with your upset child but this could lead to inadvertent enabling.

Is her diet ok? My son is a similar age and always full of beans.

@Fizzadora What, like the "lazy" label?...

You'd be signed off sick by a doctor.

You're comparing your daughter to someone who's ill and you've made no mention of any kind of clinical interventions. If you haven't done so already, book her in.

You seem to be avoiding the question about whether you have seen a doctor. That is your first port of call.

As a minimum absolutely stop the homework. Homework at junior school is a disgrace anyway. All the evidence shows it makes no difference at all to achievement at junior school.

Read together is that is fun thing she enjoys doing to spend time with you.

Yes including an actual GP 🙋‍♀️

There's no way I'd be even considering keeping a seemingly normally developing child off school for a fifth of their timetable without a medical opinion. There's no wonder kids are growing up so utterly lacking in resilience or sense of self tbh...

You should definitely get blood tests first, to rule out things like dietary deficiency and diabetes (and worse, such as blood cancers).

However, I'd recommend also looking up autistic fatigue on the National Autistic Society website to see what you think - if this is the issue then you need to catch it and reduce demands for her asap as it is the stage immediately before burnout.
Autistic burnout is not only even more unpleasant to experience at the time than fatigue but can in some cases lead to 'skills regression' - in a six year old without a diagnosis already this wouldn't necessarily mean things like losing the ability to speak etc, but it could mean that she develops an upper limit on her physical and emotional capacity to engage in activities (even things like school or going to the shops) that lasts for many years or even permanently.

OP isn't responding, do you have SN yourself OP? ASD is not the only SN. It doesn't even matter what it's called. The fact is she's overwhelmed, overstimulated and not coping. Put whatever name you want on that but the fact is she needs help and support. and the school sounds like you're talking to a brick wall. you're going to have to do something about this. You do know this don't you?

OP hadn't responded for 2.5 hours and you post this? She might have...a life?!

Yeah the UK's school system is really really behind. As pp have previously mentioned, I also come from a country where school starts the year you turn 7 and school is half day. Until 1, 1h30.
It's appalling here in the UK and I know you think it's just your child, it's not.
Many of the behaviour we see in young children today is a result of being pushed into academic learning too fast and too young .
Their bodies and brains need rest