Six year old completely burnt out from school.

[primaryproblems]

Dd6 is fine during the holidays and weekends but can't cope with the long school days, she comes home emotional and breaks down into tears saying it's all too much, she can't handle being in school all day and all week only having 2 days off and spends most evenings crying over anything and everything one thing after another.
She begs me not to send her to school because she's too tired and I feel completely helpless because I have to force her to go.
I completely understand how she feels but there's nothing I can do.
She asked if she can have one day off in the middle of the week to rest which sounds quite reasonable given how burn out she is but I'm not in a position to authorise that.
If an adult was completely overwhelmed and burn out like this they'd be signed off sick but talking to the school doesn't help, they just say she's fine once she's here, she'll get through it but they don't see her when she comes home and then there's homework and reading to get on with when she's passed out on the sofa too tired to even eat.
She's always in bed by 7 and sound asleep by 10 past that's if she hasn't fallen asleep before hand and been carried up and she is soo tired int the morning.
I feel so bad it seems like child cruelty to me but no matter how much she talks to me my hands are tied because the law says she should be in school because all the other children can cope.

@Lindy2 unfortunately CAMHS are not interested unless there is significant issues effecting home & school life daily. School really need to be on board or the referral is not accepted. (I am speaking from experience as a mother to a sen child and as an educationlist. Of course I can only comment from my experience with the area I an in though. Other counties may be better)

Really think she needs some blood tests done as I would say the level of tiredness isn’t normal for her age. My children are 4 and 5 and start school at 7:30 am until 5:30pm as I work all day, they aren’t tired at all. They go to bed around 8 and get up at 6. I know all kids are different but this seems unusual so best to get it checked out.

Have her tested for anaemia and thyroid issues at the very least. This is not normal for a 6 year old.

Best of luck 🤞

Your poor daughter. It sounds really tough. My DS (10) has just been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD after years of teachers saying he is fine at school. This may be something else to explore. It makes concentrating very very hard work for him. As a result, he has always found school exhausting, overwhelming and stressful and, like your daughter, he begs for time off mid-week to recover (which I sometimes give him). He is the master of masking - which is exhausting. Assuming the doctor doesn’t find any physical reasons for your daughter’s exhaustion and negative feelings about school, I would recommend getting onto the CAMHS waiting list (long) for an assessment if you can. And don’t be fobbed off by school saying your daughter is fine - children are very good at hiding these things. It must be very tough for her and it’s great that she’s talking to you about it.

I’d see a doctor. My kids at that age were bouncing after school until bedtime.

Retired SENCo view - Her school may have said that she doesn’t have any SEN, but lots of issues she is having seem to indicate that she could be on AUtism Spectrum. Girls are notorious at masking symptoms in school. Your comment that she holds it in well and it all comes out when she comes home is classic, as well as hating noise etc. what she is holding in is anxiety and the tantrums etc are her way of getting rid of that anxiety. Being exhausted and sleeping is also another sign that she is struggling to manage this anxiety and it is overwhelming her. Problem is that schools seem to have taken over referral to Paediatricians and, if they don’t see any issues, this can be hard. Good luck.

Is she similarly exhausted at the weekend?

My 15 yr old daughter was similar to this - exhausted after a school day but fine at weekends and in holidays. She struggled to concentrate and listen in lessons and felt mentally exhausted as a result. She has just been diagnosed with ADHD although we did go to the GP to exclude other causes of tiredness as well.

Not sure wherein the UK you are, but you can ask for a regular alternative education/ mixed education option in some parts of the UK. For example attending forest school mid-week for one day?

No 6 year old should be that tired. Unless she's walking ten miles there and back

I wish schools were allowed to allow flexi- schooling. Not allowing it pushes so many into home ed where it isn’t in their best interest to be completely in or out of school. I haven’t read the whole thread by my first thought was ND rather than vitamin deficiency- that would show up all the time not just in term time.

The OP says she falls asleep at 7.10pm

Put her to bed earlier? She shouldnt be exhausted. 6 hours isnt very long for a 6 year old to be in school

My son was exactly the same at that age and through out his school years ,did not want after school clubs ,did not want any friends around during the holidays just said he wanted to stay in his pjs and rest ,years later was diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum,i maybe start off with a blood test and rule any medical issues out and then just explore every avenue .

I would definitely get a doctors check, but I had something a bit similar last year and it turned out her teacher was being absolutely foul to her. She was destroying her confidence- bluntly told my 6 year old she was failing, needed to try harder, everytime she looked at her she's doing the wrong thing ect and relentlessly so, she was also restricting toilet breaks to the a lot of the class started wetting themselves (all had great bladder control so where being made to hold it for a very long time.) My daughter is very keen to please and conscientious, she is not naughty. She started saying she was too tired or would often say she didn't want to go, didn't feel well, tearful over everything ect. She has now moved up with the most fantastic teacher and she is back to her happy, lively self - honestly. So if the doctors think she is OK physically it could be there is something else going on other than her feeling tired

Just a note in our area CAMHS do not deal with this it would be the child development centre that the GP would need to refer you to.

This post from you just makes me think of my dd ( now 19 ) at school. She didn’t put a tie out of line, was bright and easily kept up with her school work whilst there. But she was masking the whole day to keep herself behaving the right way not just for the teachers but also copying how her friends were behaving to keep in with them. We bore the brunt of other behaviours at home. Wheels started coming off socially for her around year 3/4 as she couldn’t copy the subtle behaviours the other girls were starting to use, but school were still saying no issues there with her academically. processing issues started to show at year 4 … we’ve since had numerous discussions with her schools about her being ND which they weren’t on board with until she was 17 and after Covid lockdowns when she found she couldn’t mask at school any longer… and she’s now been referred for asd diagnosis.

my point though is that school and us saw very different versions of the same child right from being very young and it sounds
like she’s using a lot of energy keeping right during the school day which is leaving her exhausted.

it might be worth looking into getting her some ‘downtime’ during the school day somehow as I have a feeling she’s both overstimulated and using energy masking too from what you’ve said.

6 year olds are not obligated to do homework. Don’t make her do it if she doesn’t need to and she understands the concepts being taught.

I would go to the GP and ask them to do a blood test and check whether she has an underactive thyroid.

Bless her that sounds like a lot at 6 years old.

I think your first step is to go to the gp and request investigation as others have suggested. The other immediate thought to my mind was asd. Girls are much harder to diagnose and 6 is still quite young for a diagnosis so it's something I'd be watchful of and request an assessment at least to rule it out. It would make sense she manages better at home with you where she has more control, there's less variables and it's her safe space and you're there to give her support when she needs it.

I do think some children do find it a long and busy day and hold the stress of that until they get home and release it, but the levels of exhaustion you're describing don't seem normal so further investigation is definitely warranted.

She wears ear defenders in school but the teacher doesn't think it could possibly be ASD - let me guess because her behaviour is so good? Well that is a teacher that has a very limited and narrow knowledge of ASD. Needing ear defenders should be considered a huge red flag IMO - the lady who came in to observe my son from SENDIAS noticed he covered his ears every time the noise got loud - and she immediately suspected ASD which he was later diagnosed with.

Before you mentioned the ear defenders I was thinking she could be anaemic and that was causing the tiredness. Now I expect it is burnout from masking all day long at school. That is why the teacher doesn't see any issue - because she is working so, so hard to cover up all the issues. Then at the end of the day she is exhausted and it all falls apart. It's so typical.

I think you need to speak to the SENCO. Ask her how many students she's aware of that need ear defenders and aren't autistic! If she knows any then the chances are they jsut haven't been picked up as having ASD yet. Hopefully she will be much more clued up on autism in girls - BUT don't assume that she will have huge knowledge or experience!

Never underestimate how much young children can manipulate their parents. And unless your daughter has medical issues, she's successfully worked out how to be the centre of attention. 7pm is a totally appropriate bedtime for a 6 year old. They should get 12 hours sleep per night as normal. And I don't think she has a medical condition - because she copes perfectly well at school when you're not around. If she misses out on 20% of her primary school education, she will be seriously disadvantaged through life and through school. If you're that concerned - start inviting one or two of her friends around once a week, make it fun and don't feed into her drama. Expect her to be a normal child and praise her for it.

Definitely take here to the doctor. I think my boy by 6 was doing 7am-8pm with some homework, clubs etc, just fine most of the time. Needing that much sleep regularly at 6 isn't right.

Could be stress as she's finding school too much to cope with. If you can possibly do it I would try home schooling her. There are lots of local support groups for this and its becoming increasingly popular.

I’d book a GP appointment for a consultation and get a blood panel done just to rule out any illness. Have hearing and eyesight tested also.

If all is well health wise, your daughter is displaying classic ‘masking’ at school, which, girls find easier to do/are prone to do. The problem then is emotional disregulation, anxiety, exhaustion and a massive toll on her overall mental health once she is in the safety at home. Don’t let the teachers dismiss you, she could easily be assessed for ADD or ASD at this age so I’d be going down that route.