Not coping well as a working mum

[Absolutekyfine]

I am a working mum and single. Ex absolutely will not help in the week, he is work obsessed, I have explained to him many times that I need help and he will not budge on this. Same for some weekends if he can’t possibly leave the lab for research.

I am finding things hard. Dc is 16 months and I’ve been back from mat leave 10 weeks now. This morning for example I’ve been awake since 6, dc not feeling great/a bit off, so I’m not sure whether to even take to nursery, car completely frozen over and will have to leave dc in house while I wait in the car or take them in the car while it de frosts which took 10 minutes of crying non stop the other morning, then drive to nursery and back which is 40 min round trip, dc will cry snd I will feel terrible on the way home, I will inevitably be late back to work and then be waiting in case I need to collect dc early, then the night will begin again and I feel like im juggling so much that im just existing and not living. Evenings are living in a pig sty as I can’t keep up with washing or cleaning, I try. Im being a shit mother and employee. Is this how it is now? I can’t cut hours I have no money as it is.

Yep, this is is it now I’m afraid, but it will get easier as DC gets older. Do you have friends or family that can give you a break?

It sounds like you had a long maternity leave and so it is going to take a while to get back into th routine. You will get there.

you need to spend this weekend coming getting back on top of things, make a list and by the time Sunday night comes , be ready for the week ahead.

Do you work from home or at the office?

@Youcannotbeseriousreally home mostly. I’m just finding it all so hard. I don’t feel I’m good at either side of things. I know it sounds very silly but I actually don’t think I can face defrosting the car in the dark again. I just want to cry.

Housework little and often

Never leave a room empty handed

Ruthless decluttering

Everything belongs somewhere

Batch cooking

Be kind to yourself

Cleaner, if you can afford that

Do you have neighbours who use the same nursery? Could you do a lift share?

You've had a long mat leave by the sounds of it, so it's obviously going to take some time for you to get into the swing of things. I was a single parent when my kids were 9 & 5, so I was working FT and doing school drop offs (wrap-around care aswell). The answer is to be prepared! Prepare lunches, clothes etc the night before, do bits of cleaning as you go so it's not all building up. I do most of mine of a weekend anyway, just maintenance cleaning during the week.

Oh, and make sure he is paying you the correct amount of maintenance considering he barely has his child!

Why don't you resign and stay home with your dc for a few years. Plenty of time to pick up your career later, now that we have to work till we're 67.

Yes, you'll be skint for a few years but you're skint anyway, so at least be skint and unstressed and happy as opposed to skint and stressed and unhappy.

I think that’s understandable. It is bloody freezing. So you use the hot water in the freezer bag hack and you run round as quick as you can. It’s a shitry job but it has to be done and you can do it!

I work from home and my routine goes a bit like this , up and get the kids breakfast and packed lunches and clean up the kitchen unload the dishwasher ( I used to do a school run here so this is where you take your little love to nursery) home.

check emails, deal with urgent. Watch says stand up so load of washing in the machine. Meetings etc, next time there is break or I need a wee, wee and bleach in toilet. Wipe round sink. More meetings and emails. Lunch time, eat, followed by hanging up the washing. Afternoon ( when told to stand up) quickly hoover one room. Then finish and collection from wherever ( nursery in your case) dinner and playing ( all toys back into the basket) bath book and bed. Then folding clothes, getting the next wash load ready etc etc. clothes out for morning. Then tv or book and sleep.

I believe in you, you can do this! You’ll find a routine that works for you! You’ll get straight but now it’s cold and dark and January and everyone’s got a cold and it is miserable. But soon it will be spring and you’ll be sorted I promise

Socially isolating her, missing out on NI/pension contributions and making it harder for her to re enter the workforce? Also, who is going to pay for her to stay home for a few years?

I honestly think when you go back to work from maternity it takes 6m to get used to it. And doing it at this time of year doesn't help you.

I would do some serious number crunching to see if you can reduce your hours. Maybe drop a day.

Buy a windscreen cover for the car.

It gets easier as dc get older. You've barely been back at work any time. It's a period of adjustment.

We all hate defrosting the car. January is shit.

She doesn't have to be socially isolated - thats for her to work on as she see's fit. She might even have time for more social stuff. Also, I'm really not sure it's thats difficult to re-enter the workforce, I think women are being sold a myth there. HOWEVER, she will have less in her pension but moneys not everything.

Who will pay - I think you know perfectly well who will pay. It will be the british taxpayer of which I am one.

Looking at the hugely increased levels of mental health, depression and anxiety of all these youngsters now entering the workplace who had two parents working and none at home I think it might be better to invest in them having a parent at home to support them. Maybe it even works out cheaper in the long run.

Being a single parent is hard- been there, done it, still am. It takes time to get into a routine. Some good suggestions on here. Def get a windscreen cover, found it a game changer! So what if your house is a mess, being clean, fed, and in clean clothes is more important than living in a show home! I def had to let my standards fall (too much at the moment to be honest, but work is so crazy at the moment I’ve barely time to eat. But so what!) honestly take one day at a time, and just try and do one thing a day for the time being. It will fall into place x

If you could afford it or if you can get government help with child care , pay a childminder to drop your child off to nursery and pick them up, I used to do this as a childminder, then drop them back home.
Also if you can afford it pay for a cleaner.
Don't be too hard on yourself x.

I’m a taxpayer and I do not want to pay for someone who can’t face defrosting her car for work this morning. OP already has a work from home job that should make life easier for her. A lot of people have a commute to work on top of what she is currently doing.

It will get easier. This is one of the lowest weeks of the year and 16m is a hard age.

Take your baby out to the car, strap in, lots of blankets etc.

Please go to your GP and tell them how hard you are finding it. Go soon.

That feeling of being rubbish at work and as a mum is common! But you sound very low. Get some help, you can find the joy again and things will feel better.

Could you take annual leave, a day a month?

That could give you time for yourself, sleep and relax. Then after 1/2 day you tackle 1-2 things in the house.

Car - invest in a all-over cover or at least a windscreen one. It changed my life when we had to drive DD to nursery for a year.

Organising yourself is the good as well, can you get your shopping delivered?

Batch cook things like pasta sauce or curry if you have a decent size freezer so you only have to heat food up instead of full cooking.

Normally I would say use your lunchbreak to do life admin but at the moment sit down with a book or listen to a podcast, do something for you.

It depends a lot of the industry. I would have to step back a lot and re-learn as my industry changes quickly over 1-2 years. That would mean a huge decrease in salary and therefore no money to fill up the pension pot.

And look up the percentage of female pensioners who are living in poverty, it's not nice.

And my DD's mental health issues aren't there due to the fact I worked after maternity leave, they are there because of constant pressure from school, her ASD/ADHD which wasn't diagnosed when she was small and the understaffed and underfunded medical provision.

Whether you want to or not is irrelevant, because OP could quit her job if she wanted and stay on UC until her DC is 3. Them's the rules and she doesn't need your approval.

OP may have a mortgage to pay though and may not be able to afford to do this anyway as UC isn't much.

Society isn't kind to single parents OP. If you were a SAHM with a husband you would be told that you're doing the hardest job in the world, but as a working single parent with no help or support from a partner you'll be told to suck it up and that you're just being lazy.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years and you'll become hardened to it eventually. My advice is do whatever you can to get through. If you can afford a cleaner, hire one. If you feel like you need to quit and be a SAHP for a while, do that if you can afford it. No judgement from me as a "British taxpayer."

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are 10 weeks in and this stuff takes practice.

I've been a single mum for 13 years. My ex also 'can't possibly help because he works full time.' I'm not sure what he thinks I do - arrange flowers?🙄

Anyway, you'll get better at it. If the evening weather report says frost, nip out and put a cheap throw over your windscreen. Saves the hassle in the morning. And fill up with fuel on a Sunday.

Batch cook & freeze suppers, then take what you want for supper out of the freezer when you make your breakfast. It can go straight in the microwave when you get home.

Home - buy a sling, pop your little one in and then chat while you whizz the hoover around in the evening. Clean the bathroom and change the beds at the weekend. Wipe down the kitchen before bed. And accept that you are not a machine and things just won't be as tidy as they were pre-baby. That's fine. You are allowed.

Honestly, you're doing fine. 🙂

I agree with @Bubbleohseven . Mothers/fathers should absolutely have the option to stay home with their children until at least school age and benefits fir this should be more. It probably works out less expensive than all the subsidies on childcare etc. Mothers (or fathers) will be less stressed and child not forced into childcare. I’m happy for my taxes to pay for this. There will always be some who choose to go back to work anyway but the choice should be there.

Well done for juggling it all solo and for going back to work. It sounds like you're a caring mum and things will get easier.

I realise there's a lot I'll never truly understand as I've not walked in your shoes, but the readjustment to work is something I experienced.

I'd bring her in the car while it defrosts and play music on your phone. It's tough but sometimes kids cry: if they're safe and you're with them, it's totally different to them being hurt or abandoned.

A windscreen cover could be a good shout.

• Where can you lower standards to give yourself some slack? (Simple food, housework etc).

• what help can you call on? A solo mum friend gets a regular babysitter just for 2 hours a weekend on Bubble. It's not easy financially but gives her a moment to clear up, nap or go for a walk or coffee alone. (If ex doesn't pull weight with access, can he contribute more financially?)

Keep going. Your kid is going to be so proud of their mother when they understand what you went through.

Each to their own but I'd vote for stay in work at all costs. There's few things more stressful than being financially insecure and vulnerable. You'll get a pension and NI. You'll have an identity outside of parenting and opportunities to progress. Make sure you're getting anything additional you're entitled to (free childcare hours will kick in the term after DC is 2?)

9 and 5 is totally different to having a baby. OP can't "get ahead", she's got her hands full constantly.

@Absolutekyfine it's insane and I'm so sorry bc it isn't meant to be like this. Babies are designed to be cared for by their families, not just their mother who is already run ragged. Completely understandable that you feel overwhelmed and constantly in the back foot.

One day, you'll realise things have gotten a bit easier like when they can feed themselves, dress themselves, tell you what they need rather than crying, sleep a bit later and so on.

Until then I think it's a case of taking it one day at a time and as much as I dislike my house being messy, trying to accept that it will be at times and it will be OK.