Not coping well as a working mum

[Absolutekyfine]

I am a working mum and single. Ex absolutely will not help in the week, he is work obsessed, I have explained to him many times that I need help and he will not budge on this. Same for some weekends if he can’t possibly leave the lab for research.

I am finding things hard. Dc is 16 months and I’ve been back from mat leave 10 weeks now. This morning for example I’ve been awake since 6, dc not feeling great/a bit off, so I’m not sure whether to even take to nursery, car completely frozen over and will have to leave dc in house while I wait in the car or take them in the car while it de frosts which took 10 minutes of crying non stop the other morning, then drive to nursery and back which is 40 min round trip, dc will cry snd I will feel terrible on the way home, I will inevitably be late back to work and then be waiting in case I need to collect dc early, then the night will begin again and I feel like im juggling so much that im just existing and not living. Evenings are living in a pig sty as I can’t keep up with washing or cleaning, I try. Im being a shit mother and employee. Is this how it is now? I can’t cut hours I have no money as it is.

I’m not surprised your finding things so hard, this time of year with all the illnesses makes everything so much worse, especially with a baby/toddler as get ill 10x as much as older children at this age. I was where you were and was able to cut down my hours which made a monumental difference and now kids at school life much easier. Absolutely look at any possibility of cutting hours, even temporarily (the sacrifices we’ve had to make in order to do that have been more than worth it). Don’t feel guilty about needing to take time off to care for your little one, it’s just one of those things when you’ve got babies/toddlers, it made me feel a lot better when saw how much time a colleague had to take off with her little one and think their has been more understanding since covid (before which you were magically expected to come up with a spare grandma to step in). If any way you can get on help, cleaner or extra childcare etc then do that too. I really do feel for you as remember it being awful but having those extra days at home just to keep on top of things made the world of difference

This. It’s so hard getting back into the swing of things after maternity leave, and you have to establish a whole new morning and evening routine to accommodate DC, which you never had to when you were last working. I work from home mainly too and DH works shifts so every evening it’s just me and DS. The things I find help are:

• doing loads of washing during the day - just popping them in the machine when I make a brew etc. then take 5 mins to hang them to dry or put in the tumbler. Then on an evening I fold them into piles depending on who they belong to and will put them away. I take DS with me while I do it - when he was small he’d play in his cot upstairs and now he “helps” 🥴
• Every evening after DS is in bed, I allocate 30 mins to tidying up toys, washing pots, sorting pets etc. then I can sit down and relax. You must make time to relax. I miss my TV show putting DS to bed so I make a point to watch it on catch up each night.
• be rigid with your lunch break. I block out an hour every day and set it to out of office. I can move it to accommodate meetings but I never cancel it (unless an emergency of course). I work out for 30 mins 3 lunch times a week and then jump in the shower and have my lunch. It does wonders for de-stressing and makes me feel very refreshed. The other two, I run a duster and vacuum through the house, put laundry away, run errands or nip to the shop if needed etc. It’s hard. My house is never as clean as I would like but at least it’s manageable.
• weekends - I do spend a couple of hours on housework etc but I definitely try not to spend too long as I want to spend time with my family. Do you have anyone who could take DC for a couple of hours so you can get on top of things? I find even spending an hour or so on a Sunday morning to finish laundry, do some cleaning and tidying etc makes me feel reset for the week.
• regarding your car - could you run out and turn it on to defrost and then come back in? Or you could get one of those covers for the windscreen that’s supposed to help it stop freezing over?

It’s hard, I totally get it. Your child’s dad really needs to step up though. When does he see DC if he won’t help during the week and even on some weekends?! If it was me I’d arrange a babysitter every few weekends for a morning/afternoon and get him to pay for it saying you need a break and if he can’t physically help you himself then this is the next best thing.

When I had my now teenage DS, it was very common ( in my fairly affluent area) for mums in partnerships to have 1 year mat leave and then 1-2 years on 1 wage. Then the 30 hour free childcare kicked in and most Mums went back to work part time or stayed off if a sibling was on the way.

10 years of Conservative-enforced austerity, wage stagnation and poor social services and benefits mean it's almost unthinkable for a family to exist on 1 wage now. It wasn't always this way. Prevailing wisdom was that young children benefitted more from a parent at home. That was said less and less as more families were forced out of doing it.

So you're not unusual or alone in finding it tough 😞 try to organise in advance, buy that windscreen cover and don't stress about the house. They're always in need of something doing so focus on your lovely kid 😀

Thanks I am reading all the replies. When does it get easier age wise?

I had thought about asking ex to pay for two hours a week babysitting so I could have some time. It would be 25 pounds a week so 100 a month though. Not sure he would and if I ask and he says no I will feel more upset and sad about how hard it all is. He has lots of savings and works so has the money too.

Is he paying any child maintenance currently?

@JadziaD yes he pays the minimum he can get away with! He does buy the odd extra thing here and there too like babygrows or socks etc

do you have any friends you could ask to have baby for a couple of hours? If my friend was struggling I’d be more than happy to help out.

This is what it's like lovely- but I do find I have times when I can cope and times I just bawl because everything is so shit. Push through- it'll take a while to get back into the swing of work but won't always be this hard

Please do NOT follow this advice.
It's tough, it really is. But you will find it way way tougher in the future to have a career and earn decent money if you stay at home for x amount of years. Talking from experience. Its short time gain only.

I stopped working 4 years. Went back to my career with a massive paucity. Took me many years to come back to where I was and developed it from there. Its way harder that way. Stay in your job. Bath cook. Buy ready meals too. Declutter and if you can get a cleaner. Its will pass. All the best OP.

If you trust ex to adequately care for your child next time he has child refuse to take baby back. My ex was doing nothing and priorities was alway work he would go months without seeing his child. Well I said Im not doing this you can have baby and I will pay you child maintenance.... he now has baby 3 nights a week ish because he knows if he doesn't I will give him full care. I called his bluf as I would never abandon my child as ex has but because he happily abandoned his child he doesn't understand how it feels to be unable to do that.

Next my advice is batch cooking.

Feed child in the kitchen and clean your kitchen while child eats breakfast, prep packed lunches/next days meals while child eats dinner. Never bother cleaning up evening meal prep I always leave it to do at breakfast next day. Clean bathroom while you supervise bathtime. Don't have too many toys available/out so the tidy up is not too bad, get child involved in tidy up time every night and be content to step over toys (I value my evening more than a tidy house most days). I never buy any white clothes/bedding etc- everything goes in one big wash (12kg drum life changing!).

Online food shop. Just add things to the app as you find you need them no need for a shopping list. Meal plan then cycle through a 3 weekly healthy meal plan will save you loads of mental energy.

Don't put it down put it away.
If it takes less than 5 minutes do it now.

Make mum friends. I've not managed myself as I have a high need disabled child no one else feels comfortable caring for but I'd happily have someone else's kids for an afternoon if they return the favour.

Bullet proof contraception so your situation doesn't get worse. And get married if you plan future kids as I just learnt the hard way having been a single working mum for years amd then new partner talked me into baby unmarried then fucked off

Also depending where you live my advice for defrosting the car is go out turn it on come in boil half a kettle, while that boils put child and bags in car pop in top kettle up with tap water so warm not boiling and pour over your windows to defrost stick kettle back in house and off you go

I think that all ages have their own problems.
It's easier to deal with all these things when the weather's better, that's for sure.
I'm sure you're doing your best and that you're a great mum.

(BTW did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work? To respond to a post, click on the three dots and select QUOTE)

Minimum via CMS? If so, then I'm afraid the chances you're going to get him to step up are pretty low. If it's the minimum he can get away with before you melt down, get yourself to CMS asap.

OMG you need to take him to CMS and get the right amount.
I hate these deadbeat dads.

I'm so sorry that your ex has shafted you, OP, and that society makes it possible for men like him to get away with being truly terrible human beings without much judgement while single parents like you are run ragged and not infrequently judged. I wonder if it will ever be as widely recognised as it should be just how much unpaid work is dumped by men onto the shoulders of women as they progress their careers and enjoy their leisure time at women's expense. Not much comfort, I know, to know that your situation embodies how easy and how cheap it is for many men to walk away from their responsibilities.

Not helpful to the bigger picture. But a fan heater + an extension cord is the answer to car defrosting misery.

pop it in the car ten mins before you leave on blast - and it will defrost all the windows.

Bless you. Working and being a mum is hard. I was not single but I remember feeling like both a shit mum and a shit employee for around the first 3 years. But in hindsight I was neither. I was a fucking superhero for juggling so much.

As others have said, it will take time to get into the swing of things and January is a shit month.

But please be kind to yourself and take it 1 day at a time x

Would say the first few months are super hard after them starting nursery as they come down with every bug going so they are ill more than they’re not, so by spring you should start getting some let up. Age wise, around 3 they do start to get easier, not that my 4 year old isn’t still hard work at times but much easier than 16 months! If you can get even 2-3 hours babysitting once a week this can be really helpful, I remember when enrolled little one in playgroup for 3 hours a week on non work day and this time was very much treasured and made the whole week smoother being able to get those essential few jobs done. Appreciate too that all kids are different, one of mine napped for 2 hours and slept 7-7 no fuss, happily play on their own for ages etc and obviously juggling work and life with them was miles different to with the other children. So some people say it’s all fine for them but their situation is not necessarily same for you

Have you gone though the CMS? If he is working all hours he presumably earns a reasonable amount. Make sure he doesn’t only take your child on the weekend, weekends should be split so you both q get quality time and he shares some of the childcare burden if he has more than one day.

Assuming you have the child 5 or 6 nights a week, you should be eligible for some helpful maintenance. It he self employed or salaried? Going via the CMS takes the pressure off you as they will calculate the amounts and contact him. If he fails to pay you can opt for them to take it from his earnings directly at a VERY small cost to you and a greater one to him.

That doesn't make them strangers. They are absolutely underpaid, I agree but most do a wonderful job and create a lovely bond with their key children.

Mine also goes to nursery full time and isn't there for as long as 12 hours a day.

Just as well as you know the teachers who care for your children all day. Are they strangers too?

Nurseries are also incredibly varied. My son's nursery doesn't have a high staff turnover at all, it's one of the things we considered and asked about when choosing his nursery.

We pay £2k+ per month for him to go to nursery full time which will rise to £6k+ per month when my twins start nursery, I know too well how expensive it can be. Especially for single mothers such as OP.

I'm just not sure how it helps to use emotive language like 'strangers' and 'nurseries raise babies' or jump to babies spending 12 hour days in nurseries (not the norm in my experience) except to potentially make mothers (because it is never aimed at fathers), including mothers who may not have a choice but to use nursery feel like shit?

It certainly doesn't help anyone.

@SouthLondonMum22 it may feel emotive language because it is an emotive subject it is not my intention for women to feel bad about anything. The blame lies with with our government and the capitalist society in which we live in. Unfortunately children are big business.

I feel by your use of we you don't fully understand what I am talking about. I am talking about the women who have no support and the ones who have to send their children to nursery without any help from dad or any financial help. The ones who have to put their kids in childcare from early doors to evening time the ones just like myself who have had to do that alone. So I fully understand how the OP feels but what an awful choice we as women have to make on a daily basis and it is only upto us to see if that balance is worth it for the good of the family financially or for quality of life. My point is only that criticising the stay at home who has no support is wrong to assume that it is laziness and not a sacrifice a woman has made for the good of her family just like the mother who works full time. Like I said before there should be a much better support system for mothers in this country with young children.

I’m not a single parent so I haven’t experienced it and I agree with some of your points. Childcare absolutely shouldn’t be as expensive as it is.

I don’t agree that SAHM’s should be criticised but neither should mums who have to or choose to work. I think your very valid points do get lost when you do the very same thing you’re saying others shouldn’t do even if it isn’t intended.

And what is wrong with taking the "easy" option? Why must we make life harder for ourselves?

There's nothing easy about having no support by the way whether you choose to work or not, are you a lone parent?

Not now, but I was when they were smaller, I have been here. I get that the Op is overwhelmed , it is a hard transition. But she’ll get through it, I’m not sure all the posters just telling her to
quit and live on benefits really have her best interest or her future at heart.

Personally it started to get easier for me around age 5. Toilet trained and don't need watching every second.