Not coping well as a working mum

[Absolutekyfine]

I am a working mum and single. Ex absolutely will not help in the week, he is work obsessed, I have explained to him many times that I need help and he will not budge on this. Same for some weekends if he can’t possibly leave the lab for research.

I am finding things hard. Dc is 16 months and I’ve been back from mat leave 10 weeks now. This morning for example I’ve been awake since 6, dc not feeling great/a bit off, so I’m not sure whether to even take to nursery, car completely frozen over and will have to leave dc in house while I wait in the car or take them in the car while it de frosts which took 10 minutes of crying non stop the other morning, then drive to nursery and back which is 40 min round trip, dc will cry snd I will feel terrible on the way home, I will inevitably be late back to work and then be waiting in case I need to collect dc early, then the night will begin again and I feel like im juggling so much that im just existing and not living. Evenings are living in a pig sty as I can’t keep up with washing or cleaning, I try. Im being a shit mother and employee. Is this how it is now? I can’t cut hours I have no money as it is.

Looking at the hugely increased levels of mental health, depression and anxiety of all these youngsters now entering the workplace who had two parents working and none at home I think it might be better to invest in them having a parent at home to support them. Maybe it even works out cheaper in the long run.

Are you saying that having two working parents is a causal factor? Where is the research/ study that specifies having two working parents is the biggest risk factor for their children's mental health?

Try one of those covers you put on your windscreen the night before so you don't need to defrost

You don’t need him to “help” you

You need him to parent his child

It will get easier as you get a successful routine in place, and your toddler gradually sleeps better. As someone suggested, get a windscreen cover or (as I do) just spray the whole fucker with de-icer and return five minutes later.

All the big cleaning stuff gets done on the weekend, only the necessary minimum during the week. You are in a very tough stage but it will get better.

@Absolutekyfine I felt like this for much of the first year after going back to work. I understand that the first two years after having a child are the most common for parents to experience depression. Not exactly post natal depression - you can have a perfectly normal and happy maternity leave and then it hits you. So please be kind to yourself - and make time for yourself - first and foremost.

I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child, so if your ex isn't helping, any other support network is crucial. Do you have anyone else?

You have the benefit of working from home. Do you take a lunch break regularly? If not, you must do. I got quite a lot of the housework done during this time - including prep for the following day.

It does get easier as they get older, but I have so much respect (and sympathy) for working single parents. You'll be doing better than you think you are. Have a sit down and think about small practical adjustments you can make to make things a little easier. There are some really great ideas on this thread.

You are only 10 weeks in, it will get easier. Please be kind to yourself it is hard!

What can you control, what options do you have. Not ex he sounds useless;

• deicer for the car will help that situation
• Can you work Flex Time? Consolidate hours or anything else that might make life easier.
• could you get a cleaner in?
• make nice plans for the weekend etc

Another single parent here and I can honestly say that returning from maternity leave to an insanely challenging job was one of the hardest times. I had a fabulous 6 m maternity leave then struggled to cope with long commute, demanding job and small child. It does get better, though it never gets easy (and yes, society really does like to vilify us single mums).

And BTW your ex is a knob. Yes of course he should do stuff, no you can't force him. At least it sounds like he is employed so you can apply for CMS.

Doesn't alter the fact that he won't. So many people have opinions on what exes should or shouldn't do, like it makes a blind bit of difference.

Do you rent? The government will pay benefits without you having to look for work until your child is 12. Maybe look at taking a year or 2 out? Reason I’m asking do you rent is because i think it isn’t do straightforward if you have a mortgage.

It’s hard.
Ready meals or very quick meals. That involve virtually no washing up or prep. Was something I found very useful. Bought sandwiches even sometimes
Enough clothes for both of you for the week
Can you find childcare a bit nearer to home?
Some cars if you have two keys can be left running and then locked if you have a driveway.
A cleaner is useful as well I had one when mine were Very little. Don’t have one now but it made a huge difference

January is a hard month and when it starts getting a bit lighter and warmer it will feel easier.

Benefits will as she is a single mother of a young child

It’s really disappointing to see so many ‘just quit and go on benefits’ post.

why is quitting the first resort?? It should be the very last. The OP is 100% capable of doing this, it’s early days for her.

I hate how lazy and defeatist so many have become.

I know the defrosting car is only one issue but I get that anything making life easier will help. I detest static cars with engines running but on the horribly icy mornings I nip out, start engine with spare key, spray then lock car up and go back in to make my coffee, roll fags etc. Then when I’m ready to go car is too.
Hang on in there mate. Xxx

Gwt one of those thermal windscreen covers so you don't have to defrost the car every morning.

Give yourself a break. You need some time to adjust and once it becomes your new normal, you'll be able to get on top of things.

It won't be like this forever, you just need to give yourself some time.

Massive hugs op. I really understand. I have help and a 14mo yet find this age and time in my life the hardest. It feeling like existing not living, getting by from moment to moment and repeat. I have an older child and it is SO easy so that is what I'm looking forward to. I can only say that just get through each day as best as you can for now and in just a few months it WILL get better. The weather is changing too so even that will be better.

You’ve been given some good advice as to the practical things you can do to make life a little easier, so I won’t say anything about that, but it took me over a year after going back to work after DC1 to feel that I was doing an ok job at work. And that was working three days a week (ok, an hour commute each way).

I think we expect so much of ourselves generally, but especially when we have little children. Maybe aim to do a reasonable job in your working role and a reasonable job in your home role, and accept that that is pretty good going right now.

Practically (as clearly I can’t resist a bit of practical advice), anything you can do when you don’t have your baby to tend to (so evenings, if you have the energy, or any time they’re with their dad), do. I know that when you’re knackered, the temptation is to sit and recharge, but you might feel a lot better if you can knock things off your to do list. Do you have the option of taking a day of annual leave so that you can take your child to nursery (maybe later than usual to avoid the de-icing the car in the dark) but then come home and plough on with your chores?

Are you claiming all that you’re entitled to? Citizens advice can help with this.

As your little one gets closer to two it will get easier. Even tiny bits of extra independence lighten the load, I promise. They also understand a bit more and so cry less. Solidarity OP - this is super tough, but you're doing it! You'll get through this.

It does get easier - it really really does!

Routine is king! And shortcuts are life savers. What helped me at this stage was making life as easy as possible In the ways that I could.

Online food shop & rotation of easy one pan meals I could make with my eyes shut.

Laundry - 1 load a day! Always! Stopped washing things after one wear, stopped washing towels after one use.

Declutter! If you can't face sorting through things just now- get some boxes and chuck in the things you don't use or need - file them in the loft for sorting another day/never.

Do not feel guilty at taking time off work! Do you have parental leave?
Can you afford to reduce your hours at all?

Do something nice for yourself once a week - then build on this. Think small to start - a face mask, movie and nice chocolate - a take away - a coffee out on your own.

Get out with the LO as often as you can - visit friends, family, local softplays etc.

Last thing......how is your mood generally? If the bad days are out numbering the good persistently, speak to the GP. My mood was in my boots at this time and I needed the help from the GP - it gave me the headspace for everything else!

Sounds like you are doing an incredible job of juggling with no support from LO dad. Go easy on yourself :)

Hi Op ,

I hope you are okay. Please know that unfortunately many other mothers feel the same way. This is not a problem with you or your baby but a problem with our society as it currently is unfortunately , where being productive is valued more than life itself .

In terms of practical advice I can offer . The follow helped me .

1. Reduce your hours to 3 days if possible. You can still fit in 28-30 hours this way if you are happy to work slightly longer days . This will allow you 4 solid days uninterrupted with your baby and to manage house work /life admin etc .

2. get a cleaner , depending on your location you can find them as cheap as £10-15,- per hour . If it's just you and your baby there should be minimal mess so 2 hours per week will be fine . With you just putting on the dishwasher daily and washing machine every other day .

3. Batch cook where possible on the weekend , especially during baby naps .

4. while the baby is still young spend your money on staying well and convinience . Although I always save a little every month , while my kids are little I prioritise everyone staying well and happy .
   -This means not feeling bad even if In an emergency I have to use Deliveroo to deliver my groceries shopping , knowing it would be much cheaper for me to use online delivery or shopping in store .
   -Spending on a cleaner for the house .
   -valet cleaning the car when it gets messy.
   -Outsource as much as possible, if that means letting someone else do your waxing , eye brows , doing your ironing , your garden , DIY etc .

By the time your child is 2-3 years of age you will see a significant difference in your quality of life . They will be able to pretty much do most things for themselves e.g. washing their face , brushing their teeth , washing hands , putting shoes/ coat on/off etc .

Good luck and handy in there

It's hard, especially if you're not getting a full night's sleep. Defrosting the car is one of my least favourite jobs, I never leave enough time and it just adds to the stress in the mornings.

Is there a closer nursery? A 15-20 minute drive away sounds hard work, especially if you're working from home.

I used my lunch breaks and making a brew to get jobs done round the house - I stick a wash on while the kettle's boiling, hang it out at lunch time for example. I sort bags & coats the night before and they go by the door for the morning. I'll cook extra and pop a portion in the freezer so at least I've always got something I can have quickly.

This is the worst advice I have seen on MN. And that’s saying something.

OP, I would take the above advice only if you want to be impoverished all your life instead of for the couple of years you have to pay nursery fees.

Absolutely do not leave the workforce ‘for a few years’ - do not underestimate the impact this has on earning potential.

Agree with PP, be kind to yourself, lower expectations around a tidy house, and make sure you’re getting the maintenance, child benefit etc. you’re entitled to. Good luck.

OP didn't say she is independently wealthy. Such stupid advice. How would she make a living as a lone parent?

Being a SAHP with no partner support is not lazy.

Some words of wisdom from someone who’s been there, done that & got the T-shirt.

You are not a shit parent, you are not a shit employee. You are doing your best and that’s fine enough. This is all about managing your expectations. Baby and you fed, enough clean clothes to wear, warm house. That’s great.

Do not, I repeat, do not give up your job. You need it. Don’t strip yourself of your means of income. You’re feeling low because it’s January, you have a useless ex and you’ve got a toddler.

Now’s the time to call in some favours from anyone you can. Friends/family? What is your support network like? Use it.

Cleaner. Once a week, just for an hour. You’re feeling overwhelmed because you’re trying to manage house, baby, work. Outsource where possible.

Food - it’s ok to eat ready meals, or very simple meals that don’t require loads of cooking/using pots and pans etc. Second batch cooking, it’s cheap and saves you a load of bother.

You’ve got this! Drape a screenshield over your windscreen. Use the kettle (not boiling water) but warm water to de-ice in the morning - it takes all of 30 secs.