Not coping well as a working mum

[Absolutekyfine]

I am a working mum and single. Ex absolutely will not help in the week, he is work obsessed, I have explained to him many times that I need help and he will not budge on this. Same for some weekends if he can’t possibly leave the lab for research.

I am finding things hard. Dc is 16 months and I’ve been back from mat leave 10 weeks now. This morning for example I’ve been awake since 6, dc not feeling great/a bit off, so I’m not sure whether to even take to nursery, car completely frozen over and will have to leave dc in house while I wait in the car or take them in the car while it de frosts which took 10 minutes of crying non stop the other morning, then drive to nursery and back which is 40 min round trip, dc will cry snd I will feel terrible on the way home, I will inevitably be late back to work and then be waiting in case I need to collect dc early, then the night will begin again and I feel like im juggling so much that im just existing and not living. Evenings are living in a pig sty as I can’t keep up with washing or cleaning, I try. Im being a shit mother and employee. Is this how it is now? I can’t cut hours I have no money as it is.

I disagree. It’s taking the easy option when the OP has a home based job and can absolutely do it with some time and some practical suggestions.

So many women bashing on benefit mums. I find it a disgrace really because a lot of people don't realise how hard it really is to be alone with a baby and have to make the choice between work and letting literal strangers raise your most important person. Strangers on pennies. This is what is wrong with society we were never supposed to be away from our babies at such an early age. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made and people buying in to this whole women are just lazy and to suck it up are following the patriarchal societies ideals more than they realise.

I think maternity leave needs to be longer. There is a massive amount of studies on attachment theory and problems arising from lack of attachment. What do people think leaving their children for 12 hours a day 5 days a week is going to do. The world has been built on stay at home mums and yet that is the group of people who get the most disrespect.

OP you need to do what is best for your family. If this is going part time for a bit discuss it with your manager. Or flexible hours or maybe even using up some annual leave alongside so your getting a bit of a break. You need a parental agreement in place with your ex so that you are getting a break too. If you want to keep working full time that's great if your wage and your ambition means in the end it will be worth it to you that is your choice at the end of the day you need to be comfortable with your choices. There are benefits you are entitled to and should be. It should be more in my opinion. And all the bloody idiots reading the red tops want to educate themselves on what the higher ups are actually doing with their tax money.

If a baby is at nursery for '12 hours a day, 5 days a week' then how exactly are the nursery workers (who 'raise' the baby apparently) strangers?

Oh OP, you've got a wanker of an ex so you have to pick up the slack, which is shit.

Is he at least paying proper child maintenance? Is there any chance he'd up this amount to compensate for his uselessness and to help you manage things in the week?

I agree with a PP - it shouldn't be a 40 minute round trip for nursery. Are there any closer options or childminders? Even in traffic it was never more than 30 m minutes for me to take DS to nursery, and usually significantly less.

Can you take a day or half days leave every week or two as a way to give yourself a break and get on top of things - do not pick up your DC but use that time to chill and/or do chores - I find pottering around the house cleaning while everyone is out a lot easier and ALMOST relaxing. I'd RATHER be sitting on my butt, but if I have to do the chores, doing it with something on the TV or the radio is a lot easier.

Re defrosting the car - I hear you. Can you try to get your DC to "help" you to make it a bit more fun for him and to stop you dealing with him being upset? Or sit in the car and play games while it defrosts? Not idea, I know.

@Beezknees we need more people like you. I hear there's a vacancy for PM coming up soon 🤣

in tears reading these messages. I will respond properly when I have read them all but just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post and help me

Has anyone mentioned that OPs husband should stop being so work obsessed and do more? He could take some annual leave, or do some nursery drops offs, get home on time, put some chicken Kievs in the oven.

It's not on OP to battle through and accept its shit!

Just realised they're not together sorry. He could and should do way more though. And what about the in laws?

@SouthLondonMum22 - If a baby is at nursery for '12 hours a day, 5 days a week' then how exactly are the nursery workers (who 'raise' the baby apparently) strangers?

They are staff. They don't love your child. It's an institutional setting. They are underpaid and probably fed up.

I’m sorry?! Who is going to pay her?! What about pension contributions and career prospects. She’s a single mother. Terrible advice

OP why a 40 mins round trip to nursery? None closer?

@SouthLondonMum22

Well you know nothing about the staff when you put your child in to nursery you just know about some of their qualifications and them three taster days you get. I mean if you really thought about it how well do you know the person caring for your baby all day? There is a massive amount of staff turnover because of burnout and quite often new people are starting or people on apprenticeships. I am not opposed to nurseries. I think in some ways they are great for social development. Do I think they are the ideal though? No that is not how we were supposed to raise our babies and there should be solid options for the women who have to stay at home with their under school age children as it is sometimes circumstances. Some women might only have to put their child in nursery one or two days a week and then they have dad or grandma or aunty. But those of us doing it alone have to make the choice and it is a really hard one to make. It would be one thing if childcare was actually affordable and women were making so much money that the overall quality of family life would be better but most working class families are working to just pay a childcare bill and it doesn't benefit anyone.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally do you think SAHM's with a partner are taking the easy option then? Or are they heroes doing the hardest job in the world and all that BS? Beezkneez is right that our society really hates single mums.

And how long have you been a lone parent surviving on benefits that gives you this extraordinary insight into how easy an option it is?

What about a child minder locally op? It sounds like it’s the 40 min commute to nursery that’s difficult. Wishing you the best of luck. Things will look very different when your dd is at school which I know feels a long time away but does come round very quickly!

You’re asking the OP to choose to ‘survive on benefits’ I’m not. It sounds shit. Can’t imagine WHY that’s the best idea. she has so many better options than that. And I have been a full time single working mum . The OPs life will be much nicer with her working and having more money. She will survive this tricky stage.

What time are you defrosting your car? It’s already starting to get lighter in the mornings, I noticed it was 7.15 this morning even though I think officially it’s not sunrise for another 30 minutes. Next week is milder sunny days are coming.

you might find you are better off going part time and finding a 16hr or 20hr job to keep you afloat, as its often actually not financially worth it for a single parent of a baby to work full time, let alone worth it mentally.
Take your time. you arent a cog in a machine and youve been left in the lurch without support. This is the sort of thing im more than happy for my taxes to help with

No, I didn't "ask the OP to survive on benefits". You have fabricated that.

I asked you of your experience of being a lone parent on benefits because you are sharing your very strong judgement that it is "taking the easy way out".

You now concede you have no such experience, you were just making assumptions, and now you've changed your tune to describe such an existence as "shit ".

So is it shit or is it easy 🤔 Right, you don't know bc you haven't done it. Best to stay schtuum about matters of which you are ignorant. You wouldn't want to come across as a beneficiary basher after all, would you?

Benefits are therefor people who have run out of options, they are not and should not be a lifestyle choice.

I’ll happily ‘bash’ anyone who chooses to live that way unnecessarily. Taking resources that others might actually need. If it’s so miserable , why do so many people encourage others to do it? Why don’t people just get jobs ( and there are loads of jobs)

you really need to chill out and wind your neck in a bit , you don’t know anything about me, I’m not ignorant, I’m just not one for giving up the moment that things get a bit tough. I have been in the OPs position I didn’t need to live of benefits to make it work and nor does she.

I feel for you it's so hard alone! Is there a closer nursery? Even if it's full, you can go on the waiting list.

For down time, while not ideal, can you listen to podcasts or audiobooks while doing evening chores?

Since you have the nursery place anyway, is there an option to go into your office (if your workplace has one). It could help with social interactions and mental health and might even reduce your commute.

You are DEFINITELY not being a shit mother!!!! Please listen to me!!
It is so so hard leaving the house with a toddler when it's cold let alone doing work too - I'm dreading returning to work.

The only shit parent here is child's father.

All great ideas

I agree with all this

hardly a bloody lifestyle choice to be left with a baby without any help and trying to make things work.
Id say better to cut hours right back and do the right thing for yourself and your baby, rather than worrying about whether someone on the internet thinks youre not trying hard enough

OP I'm sure you're a brilliant mother.
You sound overwhelmed and depressed at the moment though.
Please go and see your doctor to get some medication.

The freezing weather isn't helping, is it?
I'm sure this wouldn't seem so hard in the summer.
In the meantime, I hope your ex boyfriend is paying half of the baby's nursery costs, at the very least.