Husband has put an apple airtag in my car!

[ZeeB68]

Don't know if I Abu or not but my husband has gone abroad for 3 weeks for his brothers wedding and left me at home with the kids, our youngest is only 13 weeks old.
He's been gone since Sunday evening and today as I had just arrived back from doing the school run dropping off my older 2 children I had an tracker alert on my phone that says an airtag tracker has been detected and it showed me every where I had been that morning on the map. I was very confused at first as I didn't know what it was as i didnt know what an apple airtag was up until a few days ago, when my husband bought some to put in his suitcases before travelling, I know it 100% in my car, one because it showed everywhere I'd been that morning, and when I pressed " play sound" I could hear it beeping inside the back of my car! He's obviously hidden in it the day before he travelled when he went to fill my car up with petrol before he left.
I'm just so upset and don't know why. Surely if it was for safety with him being away from home he would have told me before putting it in there?
He doesn't know I know, I'm pretty sure he also doesn't know that my phone would detect it and give me an alert. I haven't said anything to him yet, I don't know what to say.
Aibu to think he is spying on me and tracking me or could it really be he's thinking about safety? But then I just think he would have said something. I'm really upset about it all knowing he's hid a tracker in the back of my car.

Just saw your latest update - do not under any circumstances go to Pakistan. Do not take your children to Pakistan.

Get your documents. Get to a solicitor. Leave him while he is gone or at the very least change the locks and speak to the police.

This will not get better. You need to get out.

Control

Given Your two posts, I would advise you get help. What you are experiencing is not love from your husband and his family. Your husband sounds coercive and what you are experiencing is domestic abuse. The tracker sounds quite worrying, especially if he hasn’t told you about it. I would absolutely look to leave as soon as you can (with funds and safety to do so) but if you don’t feel able to do this, then you absolutely must get help from your local social service or from a domestic abuse agency. Just because he has not been violent (and he may have been), does not mean this is not abuse. The most important things here is your wellbeing and your safety, alongside your children’s. You deserve to be treated humanely and your children standing up for you is a warning sign that they are witnessing this abuse and it’s becoming normalised for them. Your child’s school might be able to help you too, if you tell them what has been going on. I would absolutely not be going to Pakistan with your kids in April. There may be a cultural reason that your husband has gone abroad for 3 weeks but equally, he may be doing something more sinister. You need to start thinking about him as someone who is telling you he doesn’t care about you- take him at face value (from what you’ve said in a previous post, he has communicated that he puts his family before you) and consider what someone like that might do and plan to protect yourself accordingly. I’m sorry if this sounds alarmist but I worry for your safety.

With the added information that your DH is Pakistani (I assume you are not?) I would be very concerned about this. I know you may have investigated this already but do try and find out what the legalities are of him staying in Pakistan with one or more DC even if you don't approve. Do the older DCs have passports? Can they get Pakistani citizenship? Do you know where the passports are?

Is he fairly stupid? Not realising your phone would alert you to the tracker. If so that's a good thing.

But otherwise I wonder if he's planted it to engineer and argument whereby he then gets to go off and do whatever he likes on holiday cos you don;t trust him?

Cheeky bastard. No messing, message him and tell him you have found it and ask him to explain why it has been hidden in your car.

These kind of things dont need to be skirted around. Just ask him why he did it and what reason has he got to want be suspicous of where you are. I assume he knows how to pick up the phone and talk to you about your day and where you have been like most normal people.

In reply to a PP, I posted my answer before I read the full story. I agree that she needs to get out and get help.

Husband is clearly not a techie person or he'd know that the air tag notifies the person it's tracking.

He will probably say that he bought multiple tags and put them in his possessions and on the cars for security reasons. Maybe that's the truth.

The fact that OP is in a relationship with someone where the communication is so poor and angsty is what worries me, if he's abusive and controlling or she's walking on eggshells and can't speak openly, that's really sad.

You’re taking the kids out to Pakistan for the bigger do in April? Not wanting to be too over the top about this, but is confronting him before going to that wise?

It is, unfortunately, a country with a reputation for allowing fathers to ‘hide’ with their children. If he thinks you might divorce him, I’d be concerned about what steps he might take to keep the kids in that country.

Get some friends involved - put it in a self addressed envelope, in an envelope addressed to a friend. Post it to friend and ask they post it back. Do this with everyone you know until he returns. Then hide it exactly where you found it.
He will have to start the conversation about why it's in was in your car...

Park your car outside his best friends house for an hour each day.

Please OP don't play any of the mind games suggested here. This could trigger the worst reaction against you and your children.

Please do the wise thing:

Get yourself and your children to safety before he comes back.

Report to the police

Gather YOUR family and friends about you.

Have the tag removed and documented to prove what he did.

Secure the finances and ID docs etc.

Seek other professional help from Women's Aid and a solicitor.

Do not under any circumstances take the children to Pakistan.

If the other information a PP posted upthread (about your MIL, the “English brain” comments, your own mum being pushed away etc) are true then I think it’s absolutely vital that you don’t go out to Pakistan with the kids.

If you booked the tickets for April and/or they’re on the joint account then I’d refund them back to yourself and put the money somewhere he can’t access it. Use that as your fund to get advice from a good solicitor.

Then make sure the kids’ passports are sent to your Mum, or given to a good friend (ideally one who’s not part of your husband’s community so won’t feel pressure to give them to him) for safe-keeping. Consider obtaining a prohibited steps order so he can’t take the children out of the country during the divorce process too. You have a 2-3 week window to set your ducks up.

Your MIL is only just turning 50. You have, potentially, 30+ years to come of her grinding you down and making your ‘D’H dance to her tune. His attempts to control you will only get worse from here and your kids are already seeing that and will very likely mirror his behaviour.

Is that what you really want for yourself, or for them?

well honour killings are popular in OP’s culture. I doubt OP’s husband would do this. But you never know.

Why?

If he is willing to track you, at least have some fun with it!

Sounds great fun! Putting the op and the householder at risk of revenge attacks. Fab idea. Well done

Use your brain for one second?

The minimisation and dismissal of domestic abuse and significant control on this thread from some posters is a disgrace.

As a survivor of financial, physical, emotional abuse and witnessing coercive behaviour for decades (to the point of my psychiatrist telling me he had never had a case like mine i his 30 years of career) I so wish people could educate themselves on this matter.

It is in no way, shape it form funny.

OP, you need to look after you and your children now. This will only get worse. He has shown who he is….repeatedly.

Yes , but not in this case. Also , why didn’t he tell her ?

A serious offence that has to end the marriage. This is not normal at all. You would be mad to travel to Pakistan with such a husband. Three weeks give you the chance to put your ducks in a row.

I think potentially having her car stolen is the least of OP's worries

I think that it's perfectly possible, in some contexts, that a tracker might end up hidden in the car of a spouse without them knowing. Trackers get hidden in cars because they need to be hidden from thieves. Spouses forget to mention things to each other. People on the thread saying that there's no way this could ever innocently happening must have no experience of a trusting relationship.

However, in the context of OP's relationship, this doesn't look like the case. It looks like he's tracking her deliberately.

In either scenario, playing tricks using the tracker 'for laughs' or revenge isn't a good plan. The innocent spouse will either not know, or be confused, and the stalking spouse could be dangerous.

The amount of people here willing to 'dick about' with someone who is either innocent or guilty is bewildering.

OP, it sounds like you need to start detaching from him.

I think the dick about / have fun suggestions are from people who haven't RTFT. I hadn't initially. Whilst the OP (post not person) isn't great, in isolation it's not a severe red flag like it is once you know everything else.

You don’t really to need to read past her first post to know that if a partner is stalking their wife then he is potentially dangerous. Posters need to start using their brains and realise this is people’s lives they are laughing about.

Well said @Nicknacky

I fear for the children of posters having a laugh at this. If their son, their daughter was being targeted and so badly mistreated, why, just why, would they think or write the suggestions they have? What a world we live in.