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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has put an apple airtag in my car!

955 replies

ZeeB68 · 17/01/2024 16:50

Don't know if I Abu or not but my husband has gone abroad for 3 weeks for his brothers wedding and left me at home with the kids, our youngest is only 13 weeks old.
He's been gone since Sunday evening and today as I had just arrived back from doing the school run dropping off my older 2 children I had an tracker alert on my phone that says an airtag tracker has been detected and it showed me every where I had been that morning on the map. I was very confused at first as I didn't know what it was as i didnt know what an apple airtag was up until a few days ago, when my husband bought some to put in his suitcases before travelling, I know it 100% in my car, one because it showed everywhere I'd been that morning, and when I pressed " play sound" I could hear it beeping inside the back of my car! He's obviously hidden in it the day before he travelled when he went to fill my car up with petrol before he left.
I'm just so upset and don't know why. Surely if it was for safety with him being away from home he would have told me before putting it in there?
He doesn't know I know, I'm pretty sure he also doesn't know that my phone would detect it and give me an alert. I haven't said anything to him yet, I don't know what to say.
Aibu to think he is spying on me and tracking me or could it really be he's thinking about safety? But then I just think he would have said something. I'm really upset about it all knowing he's hid a tracker in the back of my car.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
saraclara · 18/01/2024 10:04

Please gather everything together (especially passports) and go to your mum's. Preferably after disabling the tracker.

And I can't say this strongly enough DO NOT GO TO PAKISTAN. The odds on your children not coming back are really scary.
When you get to your mum's, apply for a passport for the baby. Make sure you take any documents you need for that.

EmailAddress · 18/01/2024 10:06

JFDIYOLO · 18/01/2024 09:48

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

This is SO much bigger than an apple airtag, which is just the tip of the iceberg.

You're the victim of an utterly appalling situation.

As a British woman who became Muslim and married a Pakistani family (which is what's happened) you're subject to grinding racism from your husband's mother - 'English brain' is being used as a racist insult - and he does nothing to protect you.

Your appearance, dress, parenting, everything are routinely insulted in front you and the family - and he does not defend you.

And in fact, he sides with her.

Your own mother is driven out in distress and your husband and his mother reject her.

Your children have noticed.

You were left after an awful birth experience to struggle and serve her, with zero practical help - she's only 49 but is playing the poor old lady card.

Your husband sleeps in her bed when he goes back to Pakistan.

She LIED about you and the baggage incident and he chose to believe her.

Your SIL feels close - but never forget she was raised by the same toxic influence.

He has now buggered off and left you to struggle with two children and a new baby with no nearby support in freezing weather, while he lives it up on a long family jolly on the sun.

He and his family are apparently either gloating or utterly oblivious to the effects of their behaviour and sending you all the happy pics of them having a ball.

And he has spent thousands of pounds of YOUR joint money that should used be for your own family on this giant self indulgence which isn't even the actual wedding.

Latest: you've now discovered there is a tracker in your car. This is YOUR car. Despite your best efforts you can't find it - so it hasn't accidently slipped out of the bag, it's been deliberately and resolutely hidden.

As an outsider they don't trust you and MIL has probably poured poison in his ear about you, prompting him to do this. He is that hard combination, both a weak mummy's boy and a misogynist.

Don't play any of the games suggested here, tempting though they might seem. They would gang up and use that against you.

Make a video inside your car, capturing the beeping sound. Screenshot the alert and any maps of your moves. This will be evidence for your peace of mind should there be any attempts at gaslighting and denial.

Contact the police and tell them the truth - he has secretly placed a tracker in your car and is monitoring your movements while you are not under his control. Get a report number.

Maybe take the car to a garage and get them to locate and remove it - get a video of them doing it, if possible.

They are going to gang up on you whatever happens. Right now you need your mum, family, friends around you. Start contacting and explaining what's happening and asking for help and support.

Do all the usual getting ducks in a row stuff, re finance and seeing a solicitor and contacting Women's Aid.

I do hope you'll be ok - I'm not surprised you're feeling so low after everything you've been through.

@ZeeB68 this is a really good post and a very good point about not playing games with it, but getting evidence that you have been tracked.

I do not know the back story to your marriage but this sounds horrific. It’s 100% not normal, cultural or otherwise

nomadicnana · 18/01/2024 10:07

It seems to me OP that you have 2 choices:

Firstly, tell him nothing, then either,

Leave it where it is and carry on as normal. Get your ducks in a row ready for a divorce. Then see if he says anything when he gets back,

Or,
Remove it, parcel it up and post it back to yourself from a nearby town. You have enough time to do this at least twice. Then put it back where you found it before he returns. See his reaction when he returns.

horseyhorsey17 · 18/01/2024 10:09

I've read the other thread now and I do think that, at best, your husband has no respect for you. I'm really sorry. I know you don't want to divorce, but he's treating you as a chattel and not a wife. He and his family don't trust or respect you. There's a LOT of misogyny going on. I do think you need to consider whether this is really what you want for yourself and your daughters.

JFDIYOLO · 18/01/2024 10:09

Be very wary about taking the children to Pakistan for the wedding.

He and his family will be seen to own the children, and you will be a second class citizen with no rights there.

I can't imagine how you must feel but please get mobilised and start telling yourself you have a coercive controller of a husband under malignant family influence.

Once that is clear in your mind, start thinking is this the world and atmosphere you want your children to grow up in?

Boys learn that's how to treat women.

Girls learn that's all they can hope for and expect.

You could be the end of this.

Morningmeeting · 18/01/2024 10:10

If you find it, throw it in a River then don’t answer any calls from him. Let the bastard panic and then let him try to explain why.

wheretonow123 · 18/01/2024 10:24

3 weeks abroad for a wedding??

I have never heard of one person in a relationship doing that - whatever about arranging a family holiday around a wedding.

Is he loaded and with loads of holiday leave?

I hope that he is planning to go on a family holiday this year and not putting everything into this one!

saraclara · 18/01/2024 10:25

Remove it, parcel it up and post it back to yourself from a nearby town. You have enough time to do this at least twice. Then put it back where you found it before he returns. See his reaction when he returns.

And if course that reaction might well involve him beating her up.

Seriously what on earth are the many people suggesting things like this even thinking?

WhatTheFuk · 18/01/2024 10:26

You could post it to loads of us - we could set up a chain around the country! 😁
(Check Alexa-type things as you can listen through them, and also any other cameras as has already been suggested.)

saraclara · 18/01/2024 10:27

wheretonow123 · 18/01/2024 10:24

3 weeks abroad for a wedding??

I have never heard of one person in a relationship doing that - whatever about arranging a family holiday around a wedding.

Is he loaded and with loads of holiday leave?

I hope that he is planning to go on a family holiday this year and not putting everything into this one!

In other cultures that can be very normal. And if you work for a family business or for a business owner from the same culture, that kind of leave is easily arranged.

WhatTheFuk · 18/01/2024 10:27

Povertytrapped · 17/01/2024 17:14

Post it to me OP and then I'll post it to another Mumsnetter - it can go right round the country before he gets back...or just take it with you to the solicitors and leave it there...

Sorry, didn't see this before I suggested it!

Poudretteite · 18/01/2024 10:28

That's terrifying. I'd work on finding a way out of this relationship by any means possible.

PPs suggesting 'funny' things to do with the tag need their heads examined. This is serious.

saraclara · 18/01/2024 10:28

WhatTheFuk · 18/01/2024 10:26

You could post it to loads of us - we could set up a chain around the country! 😁
(Check Alexa-type things as you can listen through them, and also any other cameras as has already been suggested.)

FFS

It's like people on here actually want him to come home and kill her.

sashh · 18/01/2024 10:31

Sarvanga38 · 17/01/2024 17:01

Yes, this sounds fun.

Forget the bus, do you know any long distance lorry drivers? Or someone about to go on a cruise?

Nicknacky · 18/01/2024 10:31

saraclara · 18/01/2024 10:28

FFS

It's like people on here actually want him to come home and kill her.

It’s all very funny and a big laugh when it’s not their life and safety at risk. I’m appalled by how many people have laughed at this and gave stupid suggestions that put her in danger.

ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves · 18/01/2024 10:35

We have air tags for our luggage when we go away and to put in a car if we're leaving it at the airport, etc. My friends have air tags hidden in their cars for security purposes. All this is fine as everyone knows!

We decide, as a couple, where and when the tags are going to be used. There's no way in hell either of us would decide to put a tag in the other's possessions without telling them.

OP - a quick Amazon search finds magnetic airtag holders like this Magnetic Waterproof Airtag holder. If you can hear it in the boot, check underneath the car - it might be in something like this.

Wherever you do find it, take a photo of it.

Even if you do wait until he's home to confront him about it, he'll likely try the "oh it must have fallen out of my case" routine, so be prepared with evidence that that is impossible given where it is found.

Also, if that was truly the case, would he not have said to you "my airtag says it's not in my case any more - can you check the car?"

I'm torn between leaving it where it is and confronting him on his return, or taking it out now and seeing if he says anything. The latter feels more incendiary as he'll no doubt take this as proof that you have something to hide, but the former gives me chills thinking about him tracking you wherever you're going!

Good luck OP. I agree with the other comments about thinking again about taking the children to Pakistan.

Mitherations · 18/01/2024 10:39

CranfordScones · 17/01/2024 17:18

Drive to the police station - park the car there for a while. Then do that same for a prominent solicitor's office.

This. Then drive to another prominent solicitors office, get out of the car and go inside and ask to make an appointment regarding a divorce. Then take the battery out and dispose of the thing.

This is absolutely f@cked OP, I'm so sorry.

AgnesX · 18/01/2024 10:39

@ZeeB68 if you've not found it, can you take the car to a garage, it sounds like like it might be underneath?

howlismoving · 18/01/2024 10:39

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nicknacky · 18/01/2024 10:40

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Have you read the thread at all?!

Isheabastard · 18/01/2024 10:40

I wonder if he thought it would be a good way of tracking the car if it got stolen, however he thought you wouldn’t like him knowing everywhere you went, so decided you didn’t need to know?

This is the sort of behaviour my ex did in spades. He always wanted to have his own way and would just leave me out of the loop and not tell me. He did not see us as equals in the relationship.

It’s less sinister than him tracking you, but still shows huge disrespect to you. But as he’s gone to a wedding for three weeks and left you with two children and a new born it sounds par for the course.

SkulkHollow · 18/01/2024 10:40

This would be a total, total deal breaker for me. The tag is hidden in the car without OP's knowledge to the point OP can't find it despite it beeping, so it's not fallen out accidentally.

OP, get your ducks in a row and get out.

coffeeaddict77 · 18/01/2024 10:44

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

If you would assume a hidden tracker had been accidentally dropped in your car you are a bit gullible.

Twonewcats · 18/01/2024 10:50

ZeeB68 · 17/01/2024 19:34

I did think about the possibility of it falling our his suitcase, but I've just tried to find it now.
I can hear it beeping when I press play sound.
I have a 2013 Nissan juke so not anything special or expensive it's an old car! Plus if it was about being stolen my husband would have said something surely.

Basically I've just tried to find it listening to the beeping noise,
If you know Nissan jukes you know they have like 2 layers in the boot, it's definitely in the boot, not on the upper layer so it's not just from it falling out of his suitcase!
I emptied everything to get into the under layer of the boot and I can hear it beeping so close to me yet I was looking for 40 minutes and can't find it, so it has been well and truly hidden not fell out!! I still haven't managed to find it so he's hidden it very well, it can't be that we'll hidden just from falling out a suitcase.
Plus as I've said Nissan jukes have 2 layers to the boot, if it had fell out his suitcase it would have stayed on the top layer,not been very well hidden inside the bottom layer where I can't even find it even though I can hear it!

Check under the boot, ie, if he's attached it to the underneath of the car or in the wheel arch or similar. Beeping sounds can sound as if theyre in one place when they're actually not

anx12345 · 18/01/2024 10:52

Wow, shocked to be reading this is an understatement, hope your ok op