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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has put an apple airtag in my car!

955 replies

ZeeB68 · 17/01/2024 16:50

Don't know if I Abu or not but my husband has gone abroad for 3 weeks for his brothers wedding and left me at home with the kids, our youngest is only 13 weeks old.
He's been gone since Sunday evening and today as I had just arrived back from doing the school run dropping off my older 2 children I had an tracker alert on my phone that says an airtag tracker has been detected and it showed me every where I had been that morning on the map. I was very confused at first as I didn't know what it was as i didnt know what an apple airtag was up until a few days ago, when my husband bought some to put in his suitcases before travelling, I know it 100% in my car, one because it showed everywhere I'd been that morning, and when I pressed " play sound" I could hear it beeping inside the back of my car! He's obviously hidden in it the day before he travelled when he went to fill my car up with petrol before he left.
I'm just so upset and don't know why. Surely if it was for safety with him being away from home he would have told me before putting it in there?
He doesn't know I know, I'm pretty sure he also doesn't know that my phone would detect it and give me an alert. I haven't said anything to him yet, I don't know what to say.
Aibu to think he is spying on me and tracking me or could it really be he's thinking about safety? But then I just think he would have said something. I'm really upset about it all knowing he's hid a tracker in the back of my car.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Worldgonecrazy · 18/01/2024 09:01

Be careful. Plan a safe escape with plenty of support. Tell your family, if you are able to meet in person that would be safer as he may be tracking your calls as well. If you can hide it get a burner phone for contact with them.

Your husband is dangerous and disturbed. You can not over react in this situation or try and minimise. You need to get out in a planned and safe way. Women are dead because they minimised such behaviour.

Good luck and I hope there is an update in a years time telling us that you made it out.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/01/2024 09:04

Fuck. Use the time he is away to gather all the information you need and see a solicitor (do not park outside!)

Wife2b · 18/01/2024 09:04

Doesn’t mean he is spying on you. It could well be just an idea in case it gets stolen. If he’s bought some anyways for his suitcase and he has spares it makes sense. We have something similar on our remote and keys because they’re always getting lost. Just ask him - he may have forgot to tell you. Only you know your relationship.

AgeGapBbe · 18/01/2024 09:04

I’m not sure I’d consider it a ‘daft game’ @QueenOfMOHO being tracked without your knowledge is pretty serious.

Easipeelerie · 18/01/2024 09:07

I think you should have a good hard think about all the ways this man controls and abuses you and report him to the police. Long term, he and his family will be a nightmare for you and cause you immense stress.
In your other thread you say divorce is pretty much out of the question/last resort - I presume because to you living as a single parent will be worse than living with an abusive husband. Time will tell, but I don’t agree. Much better to be free. Here’s a potentially useful source of support: https://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/
Best wishes

MWN Helpline UK

MWN Helpline UK

https://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/

ronoi · 18/01/2024 09:12

Wife2b · 18/01/2024 09:04

Doesn’t mean he is spying on you. It could well be just an idea in case it gets stolen. If he’s bought some anyways for his suitcase and he has spares it makes sense. We have something similar on our remote and keys because they’re always getting lost. Just ask him - he may have forgot to tell you. Only you know your relationship.

If someone has an idea to put something in my car, for whatever reason, it's should remain that, just an idea.

If someone wants to mention their idea I can decided if I want to implement it or not. I have very strong boundaries though where I like to be the one who decides what is best for me/my car

Snoozymoozy · 18/01/2024 09:15

It makes no sense for him to travel for 3 weeks for this 1 day ceremony. This along with the family history and the tracker would give me serious concerns about his plans for when you travel to Pakistan.

I strongly feel that you should not travel to Pakistan and in your shoes I would use these 3 weeks to escape him and his abusive family.

You have the upper-hand here, you know he's up to something and you have a window to escape that you might not ever get again.

This feels really sinister, take care OP.

YouJustDoYou · 18/01/2024 09:20

Sadly many men from backgrounds like that are very misogynistic, of course he's going to go do whatever he wants.

Saymyname28 · 18/01/2024 09:24

Call the police. You don't know it was your husband. Anyone could slip a tracker on you to know when you're home. It's a serious thing. And they'll be able to find it.

And when you do eventually leave him. Having this first record of his behaviour will go in you favour if you need a restraining order or something.

OceanicBoundlessness · 18/01/2024 09:27

Find it. Post it somewhere abroad. Let him try to work out what happened.

sweetgingercat · 18/01/2024 09:27

I put an air tag on our family car because of increased car thefts in the area. I told my other half as if it is stolen and only he is around then he needs to access the tag to locate it before it goes for good. (Typically thieves take cars, park them somewhere else for a few days to check whether they are tagged and located and then return for them if they aren’t). If he was really worried about car theft this was the way he should have done it.

On a separate but related issue, given his covert actions over the air tag, will you take your kids with you to Pakistan now? His family has a greater legal right to them than you do while you are in the country which makes family kidnapping a legal possibility. Please check this before you go. I am also married to a foreign born national and our child is not registered in his country because of this. I don’t want to alarm you but has he taken the kids passports/birth certificates with him on this current trip?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 18/01/2024 09:28

Easipeelerie · 18/01/2024 09:07

I think you should have a good hard think about all the ways this man controls and abuses you and report him to the police. Long term, he and his family will be a nightmare for you and cause you immense stress.
In your other thread you say divorce is pretty much out of the question/last resort - I presume because to you living as a single parent will be worse than living with an abusive husband. Time will tell, but I don’t agree. Much better to be free. Here’s a potentially useful source of support: https://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/
Best wishes

Muslim women can divorce but hard. I’ve known Hindu, Sikh women who divorce and it’s easier would you believe but still hard?

I do know a Pakistani English woman lawyer who divorced her husband here so it can be done but is rare.

MadeForThis · 18/01/2024 09:30

It's all about control. He needs to know where you are at all times because you belong to him.

coffeeaddict77 · 18/01/2024 09:32

LordyMe · 18/01/2024 08:03

That would be my first thought too.

It's normal to hide them in cars. Unless you have other reasons to suspect him then I'd assume he forgot to tell you.

He would be really dumb not to know you will know it's there. He will know you have an Apple phone

It's not normal to hide a tracking device in someone else's car without asking them first.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 18/01/2024 09:38

OP, please message me or I will you. My friend can tell you about Muslim divorce. Honestly, she is much happier since she’s done this! Not sure how old she was but has been divorced at least for 10 years. Shes now a lawyer but also is an artist. I also know an Anglo Indian woman who supports women of other cultures who are in abusive marriages.

hotdiggetydog · 18/01/2024 09:39

Nicknacky · 17/01/2024 20:19

What on earth do you mean by this?

Just don't understand why you would be fussed unless you had something to hide? Bit of a non issue IMO

Nicknacky · 18/01/2024 09:40

hotdiggetydog · 18/01/2024 09:39

Just don't understand why you would be fussed unless you had something to hide? Bit of a non issue IMO

So being stalked is perfectly ok if you have nothing to hide?

DriftingDora · 18/01/2024 09:43

Nicknacky · 18/01/2024 09:40

So being stalked is perfectly ok if you have nothing to hide?

This. Amazing, isn't it, how low some people's standards can be.

Mothership4two · 18/01/2024 09:44

Might be a good idea to RTWT @hotdiggetydog?

And I have been happily married for a long time but I would be very upset if DH did this without telling me, and I have got nothing to hide, and would not do it to him either.

MabelMaybe · 18/01/2024 09:45

@ZeeB68 get a new handbag and changing bag today, even if just from a charity shop. I'd wonder whether there are tags or similar in them too

horseyhorsey17 · 18/01/2024 09:47

This would really concern me. I'd be tempted to drive to a random address and park there for an hour a day just to see how he reacted when he got home - but if he's the sort of psycho who spies on his wife, then this probably wouldn't be a wise thing to do. Definitely take it out of your car. Ask him about it when he next rings - at least he's miles away so you're safe to do so, and then you can decide what to do based on his reaction.

JFDIYOLO · 18/01/2024 09:48

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

This is SO much bigger than an apple airtag, which is just the tip of the iceberg.

You're the victim of an utterly appalling situation.

As a British woman who became Muslim and married a Pakistani family (which is what's happened) you're subject to grinding racism from your husband's mother - 'English brain' is being used as a racist insult - and he does nothing to protect you.

Your appearance, dress, parenting, everything are routinely insulted in front you and the family - and he does not defend you.

And in fact, he sides with her.

Your own mother is driven out in distress and your husband and his mother reject her.

Your children have noticed.

You were left after an awful birth experience to struggle and serve her, with zero practical help - she's only 49 but is playing the poor old lady card.

Your husband sleeps in her bed when he goes back to Pakistan.

She LIED about you and the baggage incident and he chose to believe her.

Your SIL feels close - but never forget she was raised by the same toxic influence.

He has now buggered off and left you to struggle with two children and a new baby with no nearby support in freezing weather, while he lives it up on a long family jolly on the sun.

He and his family are apparently either gloating or utterly oblivious to the effects of their behaviour and sending you all the happy pics of them having a ball.

And he has spent thousands of pounds of YOUR joint money that should used be for your own family on this giant self indulgence which isn't even the actual wedding.

Latest: you've now discovered there is a tracker in your car. This is YOUR car. Despite your best efforts you can't find it - so it hasn't accidently slipped out of the bag, it's been deliberately and resolutely hidden.

As an outsider they don't trust you and MIL has probably poured poison in his ear about you, prompting him to do this. He is that hard combination, both a weak mummy's boy and a misogynist.

Don't play any of the games suggested here, tempting though they might seem. They would gang up and use that against you.

Make a video inside your car, capturing the beeping sound. Screenshot the alert and any maps of your moves. This will be evidence for your peace of mind should there be any attempts at gaslighting and denial.

Contact the police and tell them the truth - he has secretly placed a tracker in your car and is monitoring your movements while you are not under his control. Get a report number.

Maybe take the car to a garage and get them to locate and remove it - get a video of them doing it, if possible.

They are going to gang up on you whatever happens. Right now you need your mum, family, friends around you. Start contacting and explaining what's happening and asking for help and support.

Do all the usual getting ducks in a row stuff, re finance and seeing a solicitor and contacting Women's Aid.

I do hope you'll be ok - I'm not surprised you're feeling so low after everything you've been through.

Nicknacky · 18/01/2024 09:51

@hotdiggetydog Read that incredible post by @JFDIYOLO and tell me again that stalking is a non issue?

MySugarBabyLove · 18/01/2024 09:52

hotdiggetydog · 18/01/2024 09:39

Just don't understand why you would be fussed unless you had something to hide? Bit of a non issue IMO

What utter bollocks some people spout on here.

It’s not about having something to hide, it’s about being watched, and not knowing why someone would want to watch you constantly, track your every move I mean if he had no reason to stalk her then he wouldn’t need to hide a tracker in her card, would he? Because let’s not pretend that this isn’t stalking, and that it is, in fact, illegal.
It is perfectly normal to feel uneasy about being stalked. Whoever the stalker may be.

However there is nothing normal about putting a tracker in your wife’s car, calling your wife names, “English brain” being just one, being so controlling and isolating that you won’t allow her mother to stay and yet insist that yours is in the delivery room for the traumatic birth of your joint child, in which your wife is experiencing the trauma. And sharing a bed with your mother at 39.

But hey it’s just an AirTag, and how dare the OP be upset if she has nothing to hide.

Jesus some people dont even have a bar, that’s how low it is.

EmailAddress · 18/01/2024 10:03

He doesn’t suspect you of cheating, he is just emotionally abusive and controlling.

My DH would never in a million years want to leave his newborn behind, let alone leave his wife on her own. He would want to spend the time looking after me.

I hope you take the 3 weeks to evaluate your marriage. If your children have passports and you leave him, people talk about logging it with the passport office or some agency so they flag at passport control if he tried to take them out the country.