To be annoyed at partner for being tight with money

[lavenderlover01]

So my partner and I had a baby 9 weeks ago and we have our own places, the plan was to purchase a place together (which I am doubting now).

Since the baby he has spent every night at mine.
I received gas and electricity bill today for £200 for a MONTH!

Usually I only pay £51 as I live in a 2 bed apartment.

I asked him for half the money and basically he is saying he shouldnt have to pay half.
He will have lights on in the day, forget to turn lights off.
He will also put the heating on and use the gas to heat the water up so he can have showers.

He will go out and do the grocery shopping and I will always pay him half otherwise he will just be on my case and last month he got really nasty shouting "wheres my money?".

He has not worked since November to help but his own choice and somehow I get the blame and he is bitter at me for losing him three months money.

He has a lot more money and savings then me and yet all he does is complain about money and I give him half on everything for our child.

I have now asked him to start staying at his own place as no way can I afford to be paying £200 a month on electric and gas.

I am really annoyed and to be honest I am sick of him constantly being in my personal space.

I have told him this and he has said he is not going as he wants to be with our child every day, I just dont know what to do.

FFS..

This is an easy one. The sensible move is to leave. The alternative is to stay and be miserable. You choose. I could say at least you didn’t buy a house together but you did have a child and whatever you choose you are now connected forever.

How you haven’t killed that horrendous bastard in his sleep yet idk. Horrible man, actually wake him up before you do anything, let him😎 seethe.

Energy bills are the least of your worries. You do not want to be raising a child with someone who shouts at you for not paying 'your share' (vom) of the food shop as though you're housemates.

“Tough shit. Either pay me what you rightfully owe or GTFO. I don’t tolerate cocklodgers in *my home.”

You had a child with this person?

Really?

This. Don't get saddled with a bum. If he won't go get your Dad, strong women, brothers, uncles, friends, even police if needed to boot him out but he's a wrong 'un.

Because society bangs on and on about babies, baby bumps, not being a real woman unless you are a mother, fertility blah blah

Well bills have gone up and I’m not sure where you live but it was -7 this morning in my little midlands town and I think you will have to have the heating on more to keep yourself and little one warm.

Saying that surely it makes 100% for you both to live together, halve bills and share the childcare.

No 'next time', OP.

Put all his clothes in garbage bags for him. Next time he is out, put the bags out front and change the locks.

He can visit his child by appointment.

Give the baby your surname.

Living together with this nasty man would NOT be a good idea. Living separately is absolutely the right thing, splitting up would be even better.

@Milkybarsareonmeeeee When I say he should be contributing financially I mean paying half of the total bill obviously. It will be split in two - with them both paying their and the baby's share.

Obviously electricity use is the least of the OPs problems. The guy sounds like an immature arsehole.

There are 2 bed homes costing less than 200. My daughter pays less than that. And my own bill in a 5 bed det is 300 and thats my last winter bill. Cost of mine isnt the heating part either its all the elec. My heating is naff all.

You do realise time machines don't exist, don't you!?!? How is that sanctimonious comment helpful?

@lavenderlover01 This man sounds sooo much like my DD's 'father' it's scary. His first name doesn't begin with A and surname begin with F and live in the north west by any wild chance, OP!?

What a prick!

I'm in a 4 bed and my monthly bill is £111 on monthly direct debit

Your partner is taking the piss and should pay his share. Better still, dump him and make him pay maintenance.

Thank you for the replies, he has finally agreed to pay £100 towards the bill.

At first he was trying to say he still has to pay a standing charge for electricity at his flat.

Then when I told him what a scumbag he was and pointed out that as someone who is on maternity leave and as the mother of his child I should not have to be expected to pay this when he has been here every night.

He really is such a piece of shit, he literally makes my blood boil.
The only reason I havent thrown him out and changed the locks is because my son has severe acid reflux to the point where we have to spend hours holding him up to avoid him vomiting.
And feeding my son several times a day/night it isnt possible for me to do this without his help (to avoid falling asleep).

My son has is on medication for this and suspected CMPA but it has made no difference and I have attempted breastfeeding but I have such a poor supply.

I have ordered a hospital grade breast pump (as my son is fine when I breastfeed him) so if this stops my sons reflux I will be kicking him out and claiming child support and allowing scheduled child visits.

I am also looking at places closer to my parents for support.

I just feel bullied and abused in my own home, I darent mention this to the Health Visitor as he says he will get my son taken of me and make up stories about me which is why I havent reported this to the police as I know this must fall into some kind of abuse?

@lavenderlover01 - massive squishes. Of course he doesn’t want you confiding in anyone who could support you in leaving him!

my hv was amazing with my abusive ex. She spotted some things in his time with me that she didn’t like and asked me if I needed help. She documented his behaviour and what she’d witnessed. She helped me other a few weeks in making him leave my home.

The documented notes massively helped support my case when he took me to court - he wanted custody of our son as his unemployed weed smoking abusive ass thought he’d be a better parent as he didn’t work (unlike me) so could be home all day with our son. funnily enough judge agreed with me.

Honestly I massively regret not reaching out to my HV, GP etc earlier.

even if social services got involved - they’d only do it to support you leaving him.

I had one like this. He will pull all sort of shit but then get upset if anyone found out. But not upset enough to stop doing it. He too threatened to take my DS of me.

It's the threats of the desperate.

Your HV will know the signs even without you telling her.

Please get rid of him.

@lavenderlover01

I darent mention this to the Health Visitor as he says he will get my son taken of me and make up stories about me

Stories which no one will believe. But they WILL believe that he is emotionally blackmailing you with these threats. Talk to your health visitor, let them know what's going on.

And feeding my son several times a day/night it isnt possible for me to do this without his help (to avoid falling asleep)

Is he telling you this? You know, you may actually have more strength and energy to do what you need to do for your son if this man was gone. Emotional abuse and heightened tensions are more physically draining than you know and removing the 'source' of it can be eye opening. If possible, I'd ask him to stay at his one or two nights a week, tell him he deserves 'time off' or that you need to 'build up your strength'. Test yourself then, see how you do on your own. It may take a couple of times before you realize you can manage on your own. And if he refuses, you have more proof that he's a controlling cocklodger.

Moving closer to your family (or just further from him) would be a perfect solution. But do it sooner rather than later, before him being around the baby 24/7 becomes a set pattern he can use in order to try to prevent you from relocating.

I would secretly and quietly record your conversations with him going forward, including his threats to take the baby off you and make false allegations about you.

Do talk to your Health Visitor OP. These early months are brutal for mothers and you need all the support you can get. It's completely understandable that you're reluctant to get rid of the limited support this unpleasant man offers you. But as the wise women on here have pointed out, in the long run, he's a drain on you, using you and contributing very little .
There's lots of advice & support on here so do keep posting and taking advice. It can feel a bit "brutal" when posters feed back to you their perspective on what's happening in your life but there's so much wisdom to be found.
Wishing you well

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and people change. Poor woman , I really feel for her

Grief, how many more women are going to put up with men who constantly want their cake and eat it, fail to pay their way, in fact offer humanity very little!