To wonder how people can be so stupid to believe the ‘psycho ex’ BS spouted by men?

[Sunshinemorning]

so first of all- yes, sometimes women are at fault in a relationship breakdown and might have been abusive and controlling. But AIBU to think they are the small minority?

It amazes me how many men go on about psycho ex’s, but AIBU to think the people who believe them are just naive? A lot of them are new partners who seem to swallow the narrative- even when they’ve never had first hand evidence of any ‘psycho’ behaviour? Or seem to define ‘psycho behaviour’ as an ex who gets annoyed about flakiness in childcare arrangements.

Full disclosure: I’ve been labelled the ‘psycho ex’ by my ex who was abusive and controlling ( and still is - using childcare arrangements as a means of control).
He has conducted a smear campaign against me - slagging me off and calling me crazy to all his friends and family. He has also accused me of abuse. There are plenty more lies, I’m sure.

what shocks me is the people who seem to believe it. I’m ignored or treated with suspicion by his friends. ( we still live in same small town). His new partner is rude and disrespectful when speaking to me. ( only speak to her cos he has now got her doing his childcare, so she ends up involved in handovers).

Does the penny ever drop?

If it’s the kind of thing a person says without prompting and their woes and bad treatment are their favourite subject, I do tend to disregard it. I’d steer clear of a man who is full of bitterness about a ‘psycho’ ex and who loves talking about it as my own experience tells me that guy is usually an un trustworthy narrator. My husband was with his ex for 20 years (I met him after he left her for cheating to be clear). He described her as difficult and then as we got to know one another better, expressed that he thought she had a mental illness. I took it with a pinch of salt, after all there are 3 sides aren’t there? His, hers and the truth. I responded to her friendly overtures in kind as they had minor children together and I hoped to make life as easy as possible. He still describes her as difficult. I describe her as a psycho and a malignant narcissist. She is staggeringly awful and abused him for years. It took some time for him to see it as abuse. So women as just as capable of being the psycho. It’s not always false.

My exes partner sat with him at criminal court whilst he pleaded guilty to assault by beating and threats to kill (involving a weapon) against me.

She then sat with him in family court whilst he admitted over 40 violent attacks against me, got reprimanded by the judge as he believed the judge would buy the "but she made me do it" line. Apparently I made him strangle me as I "dumped the baby" on him so I "could spend ages in the bath" etc.

Anyway, he is so charming and manipulative that despite all of this she truly believes I'm the psycho ex trying to ruin his life and made the poor little boy do what he did.

It blows my mind.

100% agree with you. "My ex is a psycho" is usually code for "I'm an abusive twat and she finally stood up to me" or "she rings me 50 times a week... Because I didn't pick the kids up when I said I would so she would have to cancel her plans and I'm not going to pay child support so that she has to call and beg me for it or go without"

Your prejudice is blinding you. You need to reflect on the post above that commented that women are psychos and men controlling.

If I was dating a man and he said he "never sees his kids, as his ex is so horrible" and "I pay what CM wants me too", I would run a mile. It is almost never the ex and if the ex is keeping him away from the kids, it really has to be because hes a twat.

Ive just been over for justice for fathers, and they really cant see how they are the reason for the breakdown in relationships and why their exs want them to have nothing to do with the children.

It is sad abd desperate. I think women who believe that tripe need to be called out and raise their standards and not pass on their low standards to the next generation.

How about the exes who believed in him first time around? Should they be "called out" and publicly humiliated too?

It’s not my prejudice.

I get that it may be a cliche for solicitors that all women are psychos and all men are controlling, and perhaps there’s an element of truth to that- but I’d say that ‘psycho’ behaviour may be women expressing anger at being controlled.

Or perhaps it’s just a gendered way of describing the same behaviour?

but here are some facts:
my experience has been named by GPs and Women’s aid as DA. I never claimed abuse- my GP called it out.
my ex has been charged with DV
the school have had to be involved too and offer me support.

when I speak to other women - there’s a lot of similarities in their experience.

my male divorced friends may have some stories of bad behaviour from their ex but it’s mild in comparison.

Female exes are always psychos
Male exes are always narcs.
No one brings their best self to the break up of a relationship.

If I was dating I'd be treating any psycho ex as a red flag. For every one that was genuine about it there are probably a couple of dozen who are not so I wouldn't be giving anyone the benefit of the doubt.

The "my ex is a psycho" is absolutely a red flag. That's not to say that women aren't sometimes terrible and abusive or that men are always responsible for relationship breakdowns. But this specific statement is 100% a red flag.

In my experience, people who have escaped abusive relationships are reticent to talk about it, and often harbour a lot of blame and a sense of responsibility for a really long time afterwards.

SIL is, intellectually, completely clear that exBIL was emotionally abusive. But it's very hard for her to acknowledge that because she doesn't want to be seen as a victim and she is embarrassed that he could manipulate her (and is still slightly in denial about that - it's easier for her to accept blame for the relationship failure than it is for her to accept the fact that she allowed it to happen. I would argue that she did not "allow" anything but...).

Also, he definitely calls her all kinds of names and accuses her of being abusive, that she cheated on him etc etc. And yet, even in the face of his lies about there, believe it or not, she STILL believes that his prior ex was probably abusive, was "psycho" and cheated on him.

I like this post

She denied him access to his own child for no good reason and luckily he was able to afford to take her to court. Before this happened I never believed men who claimed thier crazy ex 'wouldn't let them see the kids', and assumed they must be deadbeat dads, but it opened my eyes that some women really do that.

I don't know about the word psycho specifically but he's called her all sorts of things!

Absolutely there are men out there who play this card and it is often them who are the problem. However, I don't believe any logical person should form an opinion until they have seen the evidence for themselves. My husband's first wife IS the definition of a crazy ex (this has now been clinically diagnosed) but he NEVER told me had a 'crazy ex' it just became apparent to me when she was still being verbally abusive on phone calls and messages, lying in court documents, being purposefully obstructive over non issues such as handovers or birthday celebrations, and just plain distressing their child with her erratic behaviour. We ended up with almost FT custody of my step-daughter from age 10 as a result.

But she would have still been a crazy ex if he had told you about it, you just wouldn't have believed him or indulged him.
Women are allowed to complain about their exs ( exhibit 1 - mumsnet). Men aren't. That's the patriarchy for you.