To wonder how people can be so stupid to believe the ‘psycho ex’ BS spouted by men?

[Sunshinemorning]

so first of all- yes, sometimes women are at fault in a relationship breakdown and might have been abusive and controlling. But AIBU to think they are the small minority?

It amazes me how many men go on about psycho ex’s, but AIBU to think the people who believe them are just naive? A lot of them are new partners who seem to swallow the narrative- even when they’ve never had first hand evidence of any ‘psycho’ behaviour? Or seem to define ‘psycho behaviour’ as an ex who gets annoyed about flakiness in childcare arrangements.

Full disclosure: I’ve been labelled the ‘psycho ex’ by my ex who was abusive and controlling ( and still is - using childcare arrangements as a means of control).
He has conducted a smear campaign against me - slagging me off and calling me crazy to all his friends and family. He has also accused me of abuse. There are plenty more lies, I’m sure.

what shocks me is the people who seem to believe it. I’m ignored or treated with suspicion by his friends. ( we still live in same small town). His new partner is rude and disrespectful when speaking to me. ( only speak to her cos he has now got her doing his childcare, so she ends up involved in handovers).

Does the penny ever drop?

Some women are very naïve and don't realise that their new partner is a manipulative liar. I would be very wary of any man who talked about his ex-partner in such a derogatory manner. This woman will one day understand that it's not you that is the psycho.

If he was abusive to you then he'll likely be abusive to her and then the penny will drop. Sadly too late.

Frankly I think its naive to believe either way and always better to make your own assessment.

I am also someone who has had a smear campaign launched against them. I've lost friends because of it.

Funny thing is I had to get an emergency non molestation order and he used to call me and text me all day long telling me he was going to kill himself, drive past my house and get his friends to spy on me at home and report my every move but I'm the psycho...ok then!

I would never contact him but ask anyone and they defend his behaviour because apparently I was crazy. I stopped correcting people in the end, the real people around me knew exactly who the issue was.

Ask any of the girlfriends he's had though and they will tell you I'm the issue

It would always be a red flag for me personally, I'd give the benefit of the doubt but I'd absolutely be keeping my eyes wide open and forming my own opinions.
I guess younger women are easier targets though, I'm in my late 30's but probably would've swallowed it in my early 20's.

I used to believe this. But then last time I saw my ex he told the most blatant lie. And then I began to wonder...

Completely agree. One of the reasons I fell in love with my DP is that he talked about his ex-partners in a very respectful way and said that whilst they might have hurt him, he wasn’t faultless either and he would always carry a little bit of love for them. These are people he hadn’t seen in twenty years and had no children with.

I think a big part of it is that we live in a society which pits women against each other and encourages the view that jealousy and possessiveness are reflective of love. In a lot of cases, the end result of that is a woman being completely unwilling to acknowledge that the woman her partner loved and had sex with before her might actually be a good woman who, in other circumstances, she might actually quite like. It’s easier and more comfortable to accept the partner’s narrative that she’s a crazy bitch who manipulated and took advantage of him. because that’s what the woman herself would rather believe. And of course, it suits men mightily well to have their partner believe that they are nothing short of wonderful, so they’ve enormous investment in keeping up the narrative.

I don't think it's fair to assume it's a "small minority" of cases where the female ex-partner is behaving badly. Often these former relationships were toxic and both parties were at fault, and this toxicity spills over into any contact they have after the relationship ends.

Put another way, me thinking my ex was completely in the wrong doesn't mean that he doesn't believe that I was completely in the wrong. Both positions can be true at the same time because standards of what is right and wrong vary by individual. By MY standards the ex was at fault, by HIS standards I was at fault. The chances are we both are to blame.

Plenty of people who were badly treated in a relationship behave badly themselves when the relationship is over. Someone who complains of having an ex-partner whose behaviour is troublesome or combative might have a genuine complaint even if it was them themselves who was in the wrong whilst the relationship was in progress. The thinking is along the lines of "he cheated on me so I'll make access to our child difficult" - that sort of thing.

TLDR: usually everyone is to blame.

I think at the beginning the new partners are being love bombed and presented with the perfect partner so they are more inclined to believe the tales of woe of the unfair and unreasonable ex who is stopping them seeing the children, took all the money in the break up, etc,...
Abuser or cock lodgers are also very good at picking partners who are maybe a bit more vulnerable, lonely or naive so that they can get what they want out of them and they will believe the script more readily.
I think as time goes on the reality probably dawns on them, it certainly will when the relationship is over and they are being tarred with the same brush.
You cannot blame the new partners though, they are being conned and manipulated.

Well 'psycho' is a pretty unhelpful and loaded word.

But a lot of people, male and female, obviously carry a lot of resentment and emotional issues around exes, difficult break ups, even abuse etc., so it's not surprising that ex-partners are often framed in this way.

I know as many women as men who talk this way about their exes.

I was young and stupid and fell for the 'psycho ex keeping my kids away from me' stuff.

Now I am, apparently, the psycho ex keeping his kids away from him, so that's nice 🤣

The problem is that the matter of female on male abuse is taboo.
And hence there are potentially large numbers of such instances which are hidden and stay so forever, due to social conditioning.
Or even when things come out, they are swept under the carpet by friends and family, on both sides.

I'm on the other side of this. My DPs exw violently abused him for over a decade, every couple of weeks, with the kids in the house. I actually know this because I heard her admit it. (DP even has that recorded but noone gives a damn.)
He stayed for the kids. He kept it to himself completely fearing noone would be on his side. (Which ended up happening.)
Two years after they split she assaulted him again, in front of their 10 year old daughter. (All previous violence has been behind closed doors so the kids supposedly didn't know - as if. Remember, this was happening every few weeks )
This time he went to the police, she even couldn't deny it as her daughter was there. She got a slap on the wrist, a caution.

Noone gives a damn. All friends and family don't care about the abuse and stick with her. The kids of course have MH problems but exW is a saint in the eyes of society. Even DPs mum said she didn't want to take sides. When her own son used to be punched in the head for a decade.
(And no for the inevitable question I wasn't the OW, met him years after they split.)

From my experience and that of my observations from my wider personal and professional peer group it is rarely a case of one person singlehandedly having a monopoly on piss poor behaviour while in a relationship. I have seen some jaw droppingly bad shitty behaviour perpetrated by both men and women over the years and have subsequently heard these very same people try and paint themselves as the wronged innocent party or even a victim. I think it is human nature to minimise one's own part in the failure of a relationship or refuse to accept responsibility.

Do many women really buy it?

The reality is a lot of women make choices that leave them as the lower earners, which means women often end up poorer after a divorce when their hlex husbands higher earnings are no longer bolstering up their lifestyle. This can lead to a lot of resentment.

I was painted as being at fault and my mental health issues being the cause of our marriage breakdown by my ExH. I just started calmly saying 'I recommend do a Clare's Law request so you have the full picture' to anyone who asked questions. Once they learnt about the police involvement and broken bones they soon melted away and ExH had his control taken away and shut the fuck up. It was the biggest thing I have ever done for myself, to advocate for myself and not let this bully paint me out to be something I am not.

A lot of the time it’s younger, more naive women who have limited life experience. They fall head over heels for the guy and naturally believe everything he says, he’s probably a charming guy so easy to believe him. Maybe part of them is glad he doesn’t like his ex because the ex isn’t a threat to them, just their immaturity showing through.

I think it’s pretty easy to see how and why women fall for this narrative actually.

Dhs ex was/is nutty.

He ended it when she had an affair and we met3 months later.

She was cautioned for harassment in the end.

Youth and sometimes being called a psycho generally has the effect of making the person act like one.

Think about how charming and kind he seemed when you met him - he hid his abusive nature from you so he’ll be doing the same to other people.

Abusive men are often very clever and manipulative so it’s not surprising really that they can con multiple people.

My DP never said his ex was a psycho or that there were issues with her behaviour towards other people particularly if they are in categories others in society views them as being vulnerable.

His friends including the ones who are older never said anything negative about her to me either. Some of them had their own relationship issues so don't throw stones at other people.

Unfortunately she has proved herself that she is unhinged and a nasty piece of work.

She still thinks she is the victim. She is also believed by professionals until they come face-to-face with some of her bigotry that DP has pointed out to them. Then suddenly they are interested in all what DP has had to deal with.

No I disagree, I think it’s more common than you think.

There are literally thread upon threads here from women complaining about “batshit” women be it their DM/MIL, DS/SIL, friend, work colleague etc. These women exist and they don’t suddenly turn into saints in their romantic relationships with men. A lot of the DM / DMIL threads usually feature an enabling FIL who goes along for a quiet life or posters are told they have a DP problem for not putting in boundaries in place with their families. If someone is a problematic person then they will have problems in a

I totally agree OP. I was the victim of one of these smear campaigns & it's awful. I was lucky that in the end I got lots of support from a domestic abuse charity & although the police were useless at times they did ultimately help me. I agree with a pp that often these women who believe the lies are showing immaturity & being very naive.
I will never forget who was there for me & who wasn't. In my case it's true that 'you forget the words of your enemies but never forget the silence of your friends.' There are people who could have helped me but didn't & yes I'm still very bitter about it!

Well some ex wifes are unhinged and some ex husbands are unhinged.

I think you are trying to make some sort of general claim out of your specific experience.

Which not surprisingly is never going to work.

Regarding your personal experience, some people seem to have a teflon like coating that allows them to act like a complete see you next tuesday without the rest of the world seeing it. It takes a pretty skilled/lucky individual for karma not to kick in at some point though. You can fool some of the people some of the time as the saying goes.

Of course there are people out there - of both sexes - who have behaved badly in relationships.

However, I do reckon there is a direct relationship between the speed with which the crazy ex is mentioned and the wrongness of the bloke himself.

The record I have personally witnessed is 5 minutes.

Patriarchy has achieved success by pitting women against each other.