To wonder how people can be so stupid to believe the ‘psycho ex’ BS spouted by men?

[Sunshinemorning]

so first of all- yes, sometimes women are at fault in a relationship breakdown and might have been abusive and controlling. But AIBU to think they are the small minority?

It amazes me how many men go on about psycho ex’s, but AIBU to think the people who believe them are just naive? A lot of them are new partners who seem to swallow the narrative- even when they’ve never had first hand evidence of any ‘psycho’ behaviour? Or seem to define ‘psycho behaviour’ as an ex who gets annoyed about flakiness in childcare arrangements.

Full disclosure: I’ve been labelled the ‘psycho ex’ by my ex who was abusive and controlling ( and still is - using childcare arrangements as a means of control).
He has conducted a smear campaign against me - slagging me off and calling me crazy to all his friends and family. He has also accused me of abuse. There are plenty more lies, I’m sure.

what shocks me is the people who seem to believe it. I’m ignored or treated with suspicion by his friends. ( we still live in same small town). His new partner is rude and disrespectful when speaking to me. ( only speak to her cos he has now got her doing his childcare, so she ends up involved in handovers).

Does the penny ever drop?

Tell me you’ve never been unfortunate enough to find yourself in relationship with a partner who has a diagnosed personality disorder (in the case of my ex) or an undiagnosed one, without telling me blah blah. My ex was full of stories about his “crazy” ex and doubtless has a fund of similar stories about me, including my drunkenness (I don’t drink and never have), my spendthrift nature (I’ve always had savings, he never has), my bad parenting skills (I’ve moved in with my daughter temporarily at her request to help out with childcare, none of his kids will speak to him after he’s let them down numerous times). So no, it’s not always six of one and half a dozen of the other I’m afraid.

I believed my ex that he had a psycho ex. Your question is why... some reflections

• I was lonely before I met him and he was love bombing me and he just seemed so nice and kind I couldn't imagine him harming anyone but I could imagine people taking advantage of his supposed kindness.
• the way he described her and her mental health, she reminded me of a colleague who would bully nice people and so I could see how that could happen- it was a plausible story.
• he had a lot of the 'woke' language and terminologies - he was basically a fake feminist /mysoginist deep down.
• it was during the pandemic - a lot of people did struggle with their mental health then so it was believable that she'd gone nuts and lashed out at him emotionally.
• he seemed to have altruistic values and works in a helping profession. I realise now this is about power control and public adoration as he's a narc and he also isn't good enough to get management roles in big private companies. I also realise he probably turned her crazy by constantly gaslighting and dismissing her feelings like he did to me (when I was pregnant).

I am sure I am the crazy ex to his new dates now.

The fastest way to put me off a man is to hear him trash talk an ex. Red flags from here to outer space.

Ah I've been there. My ex cheated on me, emotionally blackmailed me, was emotionally and sexually abusive, for four years! and yet, I was labelled the crazy psycho ex because I developed such severe depression and anxiety and dependency that I couldn't function like a normal person. I even developed stress cardiomyopathy, and now have issues with low blood pressure from cardiac weakness. In many ways I felt like I was crazy, Ill never forget the moment when i described how I felt and the relationship to my therapist and she simply said 'so you were abused'. It was such a shock and I'd been so effectively gaslit I never even considered it had been abusive. It took me a lot of therapy, medication and time to get over it. My life has been going pretty well since we finally cut ties though. I hear he's a complete loser so it just goes to show who really had their shhh together.

Surely if he's your psycho ex he fooled you at some point too into believing he was a great guy. It's not that difficult to believe others are then sucked in by his bullshit.

I disagree. The post by @SeulementUneFois could have been written by me. My teeny, tiny, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth es SIL was evil. Pure evil. She did unspeakable things to my BIL and no one would ever have believed the 6'2" military man if he had reported it. And she knew it. Female abuse of their partners is more common than people realise.

It’s always a massive red flag for me when men talk about their “psycho ex”. Basically to me that = misogynist. Unfortunately many women lap it up as they are insecure and also have internalised misogyny. When women post on here about their DP’s awful ex etc, it makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Yes I’m sure there’s a minority of cases where this is true, but in the vast majority it’s just a narrative spin by a nasty , irresponsible man and lapped up by his jealous/ insecure/ desperate to be chosen new partner.

I think there are some couples that just should never have been together and the toxicity of that relationship will filter through to any dealings they have afterwards. The behaviour is very likely to be the product of them both and not as one sided as some like to make out.

On the other hand, I’ve been with my DP for three years, he’s got some annoying traits but is kind, loving, a hard worker and appreciates me and our life. He was with his ex for around 6 mths and they split a good 6mths before we met but she will still talk smack about him and how she is enjoying the single life after being with the worst guy on the planet. She’ll also have a few good digs at her exH who left the scene a very long time ago, no naivety on my part she is simply some kind of psycho

Any divorce lawyer will tell you that ex husbands are always controlling and ex wives are always psychotic.

I think people would have to be very naive not to see through those labels.

One of my friends is recently divorced and on dating websites.

One of her golden rules is that any man who refers to his ex as ‘psycho’, ‘crazy’, ‘bitch’ or similar language goes straight in the bin. At double speed if said ex is the mother of his children.

That’s not to say that women are never at fault for the breakdown of a relationship, but using that kind of language about your ex when dating a new woman is a giant red flag.

The penny rarely drops.

People in general have no idea how abusers behave, and know nothing of the dynamics of abuse. Friends usually only see one side of the abuser.

Women who fall for it are vulnerable to the charm of the narcissistic abuser, and believe they're somehow better than the previous women in their misunderstood prince's life.

Then there is the cultural bias against women, which makes it possible to believe that women are bitter, vengeful, creatures, hell bent on ruining men's lives.

You see that here, in plenty of threads, where women who have been abused advise an OP to start making plans to leave. There are always a few posters who can't see what the problem is and consider it a real humdinger of an insult to accuse those advising ending the relationship of probably being divorced and bitter. It's sad but not surprising.

@mindutopia
The narrative spun by the man who has glommed onto your mother also features money.

He is careful to advertise the fact that he has money for the 'diggers' to dig. He's bigging himself up and dangling the money carrot at the same time that he's admitting the SA.

Most women swallow the bullshit version because that version suits them. They don't want their new man on best friend terms with ex, especially if they are insecure.
Personally if l meet a man and he starts going down this road it's a right turn off.
I was speaking to a man recently who had moved to France and opened a guest house. He was quite interesting until he mentioned his "narcissist" ex. That did it for me.

I used to think the same as op until a male relative of mine got involved with a woman who is now a genuine psycho ex. It was lucky my relative could afford a lawyer but I won't say much more.

Obviously there are men who spin things to make the ex look bad but not every time.

Psycho here 🙋‍♀️😂

All because I dared to voice an objection to ex moving to other end of the country and leaving me with 100% of childcare with no plans in place for contact.

Further enhanced by the fact I wanted more than 50% of the house in the divorce I'm consideration of this.

I think it’s the word psycho that’s a particular red flag. Talking about difficult ex is fine- of course women can be difficult and cause problems, even be abusive- but there’s something about the word psycho which tends to tell you that it’s the bloke who was the problem.

I am the psycho ex! The way my ex husband painted me, you’d think I was the devil.

In realty, I had horrendous PND and he dealt with that (ie ignored it because I was just mental), by shagging prostitutes on work trips. Doesn’t tell people that part.

I used to run a mile from any man who said his ex was nuts.

My now husband only spoke briefly and in good terms about his ex girlfriends. Explained they
had split up because you just don’t see it working long term, or that you’ve changed. He never once spoke badly of them. I liked that.

You raise an interesting point- there are a lot of nasty people out there, who also happen to be women. Women are only human after all.

However, I think the ‘psycho ex’ phenomenon is a male one. Behaviour is massively gendered when it comes to divorce. And I think men generally struggle more with break ups than women.

It’s the loss of control over someone where they previously were ‘the man’ of the house.

I also think that it’s also the way men deal with conflict- they want to destroy their opponent.

Sorry your DP had to deal with that abuse. And it’s really sad that he isn’t believed.

I think part of the problem is that a lot of abusive men turn things around and say they are the ones being abused. So it makes those who have experience of DA wary. I once spoke to a director of a domestic violence charity and the topic of male victims came up- she was dismissive and implied there was no such thing.

I was pretty shocked tbh, but years later I reflect and think she came to that conclusion because that was the pattern she was seeing play out continually.

It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen- it’s just rarer.

Some pps have said I only have my example to draw on, but it isn’t. It’s a pattern I see constantly. I’m involved in quite a few single parent groups and I’d say that in the case of bitter acrimonious divorces, it’s the man who is the problem 9 times out of ten.

I also think that almost every one of us has done something that could be called abusive- but it’s the frequency and intent of that behaviour that makes it abuse. For example, when does not talking to your partner become stonewalling?

@TheCadoganArms you are right- there is sometimes poor behaviour on both sides, but I think there is often one partner who is more to blame than the other.

The ‘one is as bad as the other’ argument rarely holds water. If it’s not too much of a stretch- I’ll use the climate change analogy:
the argument of climate change deniers is not equal to those of climate change scientists. Just because people on the side of science get angry at the deniers, it doesn’t mean they are obsessed or crazy!

from my experience, I did everything to have an amicable split. He cheated. I ended it. I still offered to help him decorate his new place so the kids could visit. However, he went nuts at this. He’d take the kids away and not let me see them, or decide he couldn’t take them hours before I was leaving on a business trip. He claimed he was working on that occasion, so I went to his workplace to politely ask if he was there ( never said reason why, and just looked like a wife popping in to drop something with DH). He wasn’t there, so I apologised for the mix up and said his phone wasn’t working and I thought I’d see if he was there.

His version of that story was that I caused a massive scene at his workplace and embarrassed him in front of all his colleagues. I only spoke to the receptionist.

should I have gone? No. But I was at the end of my tether due to a man who was continually hostile and refusing to co-parent effectively. I wouldn’t say I was as bad as the years of abuse and his appalling behaviour after the split.

Yes my ex is the same. That's his reason on why he has not seen our child since he was a toddler. Absolute idiot man.

You could be describing my exH!

That is exactly what he is like and I suspect how he talks about me.

in some ways, it’s understandable that the new partner will believe the psycho ex story- they are being love bombed and they love the person.

but it’s some of his friends who knew me that really puzzle me. They spent time with me and knew me ( I think!) to be easy going, kind and supportive while some of them went through difficult times- how can they believe I’m an abusive psycho?

YANBU, but my DH did actually have a psycho ex. I was a bit when he first described her that way early on in our relationship. I thought he was exaggerating, boy was I wrong! 😂Three decades on she's not as psycho anymore, but she certainly has her moments! So much so that DSD limits contact with her so DGD isn't exposed to her nutty behaviour too much.

I think it’s because socially they have pressure to remain friends with your ex as he’s part of their group so it’s easier for them to just believe him. They only see him on his good days and not under pressure when he’s mean and nasty too.

To wonder how people can be so stupid to believe the ‘psycho ex’ BS spouted by men?

They believe it because they want to. Never underestimate the pull of wanting a particular man by any means necessary. For these type of women they light up when a man tells them or implies that they're better than his ex. Competitiveness and the heady joy of being seen as 'better than' is another pull.

Personally any man that said that to me 🚩. I read posts on MN by women who are in a tizz over his ex or in a constant battle and I think, how/why? Are you not tired? Dont you like peace? Is a man worth all that? But, they know why so leave them to get on with it, best not to get involved its way too much drama.