To wonder how people can be so stupid to believe the ‘psycho ex’ BS spouted by men?

[Sunshinemorning]

so first of all- yes, sometimes women are at fault in a relationship breakdown and might have been abusive and controlling. But AIBU to think they are the small minority?

It amazes me how many men go on about psycho ex’s, but AIBU to think the people who believe them are just naive? A lot of them are new partners who seem to swallow the narrative- even when they’ve never had first hand evidence of any ‘psycho’ behaviour? Or seem to define ‘psycho behaviour’ as an ex who gets annoyed about flakiness in childcare arrangements.

Full disclosure: I’ve been labelled the ‘psycho ex’ by my ex who was abusive and controlling ( and still is - using childcare arrangements as a means of control).
He has conducted a smear campaign against me - slagging me off and calling me crazy to all his friends and family. He has also accused me of abuse. There are plenty more lies, I’m sure.

what shocks me is the people who seem to believe it. I’m ignored or treated with suspicion by his friends. ( we still live in same small town). His new partner is rude and disrespectful when speaking to me. ( only speak to her cos he has now got her doing his childcare, so she ends up involved in handovers).

Does the penny ever drop?

I find both men and women come into the firing line when it comes to being criticised by an ex.
It's not exclusive to one sex.

You've answered your own question. Your ex was abusive and manipulative so in order to have a relationship with him you must have either tolerated his abuse from the outset, or much more likely believed he was who he said he was when he acted nice when you first met him.

His new partner is no different to you once we're - loved up in a new relationship with a guy who's so lovely anyone who says otherwise must be horrible.

It's a cycle. You're just at different stages.

Yes, I had a close friend who fully believed it but it was clear he had a type and that type was vulnerable

Yep. Acquaintance of mine tells me about the “psycho ex” wife

Yeah funny she doesn’t like you after you poached her husband who left her with 2 kids under 3……

Yes, the ex tends to be described as a narcissist, controlling and emotionally abusive instead of psycho when he is male.

Ime people believe what they want to believe and will make the most astonishing leaps in order to keep believing it.

I find both men and women come into the firing line when it comes to being criticised by an ex.
It's not exclusive to one sex
That! The male ex is the abusive ex, the female ex is the psycho ex. Standard.

One trait that attracted me to my OH is that he never put down his ex, and that's despite finding out later that she had cheated on him (and married the guy with whom she's been with over 20 years and still is with). I think it was respectful and showed he'd really moved on. My ex wasn't abusive either.

This

I think that ‘narcissistic’ and ‘misogynist’ often get mixed up though. ( though it’s massively narcissistic to think you are superior to another human, without any basis for your belief)

There’s plenty of men who fall into the second category. I’d guess that misogynists probably have a really high chance of divorce , so yes, many divorced men will statistically be misogynistic.

A golden rule is to steer clear of anyone who slanders an ex.

I do sometimes think about the fact that somewhere out there my DxH most probably portrays me a the crazy ex wife. I'm far from crazy. I hope the poor women who hear his tales see past the fantasy

A lot of people feel that they are smarter than they are, and that bad things will not happen to them because of it.

@Atethehalloweenchocs i think you are right.

sadly, would include myself in that. Was very naive about my ex when I first met him.

I think it is one of the common assumptions we make to get us through life without being too afraid to step foot outside our door. And it is sometimes hard to truly believe that things can happen until they happen to you - you intellectually know they can happen, but dont really feel it.

I think it’s the word psycho that’s a particular red flag. Talking about difficult ex is fine- of course women can be difficult and cause problems, even be abusive- but there’s something about the word psycho which tends to tell you that it’s the bloke who was the problem.
I feel the same.
Plenty of men have awful break ups. Plenty of men have been hurt by exes.
Some men have left abusive relationships.
Many will talk about it when needed.
Most don't start their new relationships calling their ex partners crazy or psycho.

There's a certain script that a certain type of man uses with a new relationship that is a huge set of red flags.

Edit to add: On another thread someone used the analogy of a shark cage. Most people have a cage that's good enough to keep the sharks out. Some people, either due to younger experiences, previous abusive relationships, not being shown what a healthy relationship looks like, or other vulnerabilities don't have a very good shark cage at that moment in time.

Men who use the "crazy ex" script will tend to seek out the women who don't have a great shark cage because it gives them a way in, especially if they love bomb and are the model partner. They know exactly what they're doing when they choose new potential partners and they don't tend to pick the women who have obviously good shark cages.

I don't know.

Sure, there are plenty of tossers who bs about this stuff. But I find there are similar women tossers who talk about a psycho ex, and what you find as time goes on is that they themselves are the common denominator.

I also think that a lot of these people believe their own stories, some are outright lying, but many think they are in the right and it is the exes that all happen to be psycho.

The only way you know what people are truly like is when you live with them. People tend to believe the person they like the most unfortunately.

Did your male relative call her a "psycho" or instead when asked by people he trusted did he describe her behaviour?

People with abusive ex-partners tend to describe behaviour not realising in some cases some of the behaviour they see as "normal" is actually abusive.

I am also the psycho ex. I have done a lot cf reading about narcissistic abuse and manipulating people to believe the psycho ex theory is just one of the manipulation skills of the narcissist. It sucks.

Oh yes I've been the "psycho ex".

The new partner even used to spit on the pavement when she saw me to show her 'disgust' and they both used to call me all the names under the sun to my face and anyone that would listen.

Then he ended up doing to her what he did to me. I didn't have any sympathy for her.

He's moved on to some one else now and she already looks downtrodden.

Personally I wouldn't touch any person who slags off exes or the mother of their children.

DH has never said a bad word about his ex

But his parents, friends, friends wives, siblings - they’ve all told me she is a lunatic, and her behaviour towards me has backed it up

Some women are a bit unhinged, or behaved in an unhinged way towards certain people and situations

Because they’re sad and desperate.
The second a man slags off his ex, especially if she’s raising his kids my first question is, well what did you do to make her that way?
I’ve got to much self respect to entertain a man who is disrespectful to the mother of his children, I’ve yet to hear an excuse that is acceptable, in fact I don’t think there is one. Women need to raise their standards and make that behaviour unacceptable.

Similar to what @tenbob said. Though dh did say she wasn't very nice and had had an affair-which she admitted herself. I took the not very niceness with a pinch of salt. Until I met her, received emails from her, listened to her on calls with dh, was told by my step kids things she had said etc etc... DH was being entirely accurate and if anything understating it, as it turned out.

Isn't calling them sad and desperate slagging them off as well? Or do you think woman on woman misogyny is acceptable?

They believe it because it is sometimes true. It was for me, but not in the way you would expect. After being abused by my ex for a few years I really wasn’t well so anyone who saw us together would think that I was the weird one, a bit of a wreck, and that he was really well put together, charming and nice whereas behind closed doors he was the psycho.

People really need to be educated about what DV looks like. For example, many women are accused of not leaving their abusers but for some people staying is a way of protecting themselves and their kids by not arousing the fatal rage of the abuser - while the abused person tries to find a safe way out.

You’re right though op, someone saying they had a psycho ex might be showing you a red flag.