Another one about a family member gifting money

[bananasaredelicious]

(namechanged for this)

Sorry to have another thread about this and 'fairness'.

I handle all the financial affairs for my Dad since my lovely Mum passed away a few years ago.

He has, today, asked me to transfer £5,000 to each of my nephew's junior ISA accounts (his grandsons). He hasn't said anything about my daughters (his other 2 grandchildren), who are both over 18. (Nephews are both under 10).

I know that over the years, he has spent more money on my girls as they are older and so have had more birthdays etc etc, but it is quite hurtful that he is asking me to do this transfer. It isn't a question of affording it, as he could afford it.

I know I shouldn't let money come between us, but I am quite upset about this especially as I am very close to him and help him with general day to day life on a daily basis.

How do I just let this go and try to ignore it? I know it is his money to spend as he wishes, but he always makes a big deal about how he is always fair and does for one what he does for the other.

I have always felt that my sibling is the favourite, and this makes me feel even more passed over :(

Maybe he thinks he won’t be around for all those birthdays for the boys. Ask him?

you should not be handling all his financial affairs OP. You are not remotely objective and it is grossly unfair that he is entrusted you with this responsibility but you are getting in a mood when he asks something that isn’t on your favour

Yes, it could be. He usually gives a gift of around £20/£30 for a birthday which is always appreciated as it is always thoughtful, so that is a lot of birthdays for £5,000.

If I ask him, he is either going to shut down the conversation entirely immediately, or is going to say something like 'thank you for letting me know' and then shut it down.

He doesn't ever have a meaningful conversation so I don't think it is an option, I'm just trying to stop the upset thoughts in my head, and to rationalise it without it making me feel badly towards him.

It's his money so he can choose whether to give to any of his grandchildren or not at all or to change what he does at whim. It's his decision. I don't think you should be hurt, as you state the girls have had other things from him as they are older. They are adults now.

If these latest payment requests are into child ISA,'s for the grandsons then the girls won't be able to have them anyway.

If he was capable of managing his money affairs himself you would probably be non the wiser of this latest arrangement and he probably does think he's being fair as the girls are much older.

Yes, I am trying to think of it in that way. I don't want it to upset me, and I feel terrible that it is, but I guess I can't help my emotions.

I know it is all at his discretion, but it is still a little hurtful.

OP you need to suggest that someone else has responsibility for his financial affairs. You are not the right person.

I would be incredibly hurt by this, I don’t think he’s being fair at all. And I would say something.
there is nothing wrong with you handling his finances - what he’s doing is hurtful.
either speak up or just transfer the money and let it go. But I understand why you feel as you do

Hmm, if my dad did this I would be fucking fuming. Cant believe anyone is saying they wouldn't be. Clear preference over grandkids and I would be telling him so. No different than me giving one of my kids £5k and not the other....wouldnt happen

it is entirely prerogative to be “unfair” to be selfish, to be generous, to be frivolous, to be frugal. I could go on

the person given responsibility for implementing his financial wishes needs to do just that unless the believe that his request is not in his financial interest

I would ask him “is it £5000 each to the 4 grandchildren” then let him explain.
i hate favouritism when it comes to grandchildren. Treat them all the same.

You only know about this from a privileged position of being your father's agent, so just put your petty, unpleasant envy aside.

I hope you are not in charge when your father is no longer with you.

If course she's the right person to manage his affairs. She's his daughter. Perhaps you should ask him about the gift.
Sometimes older people think in a funny way about things. Is he getting confused?
I remember being horrified with my dad when the solicitor was doing his will. He was very reluctant to decide the bequests and said he didn't know who to leave things to. I was the only child and had looked after him!

Are there any other reasons he might want to help your siblings kids rather than yours? Is your sibling a single parent or do they earn a lot less than you. Have you been helped more than your sibling over the years. Were you supported in university and they weren't or were you given more as a house deposit where they weren't. Might be something that you don't know about?

Have your parents done more for your children in general as they are older. I have large gaps in my children with a late unplanned one, and I already worry that I won’t be able to do for him, or even his children if he has them, that I will be able to do for the older ones.
It’s all hypothetical at this stage and it already bothers me. If he’s thinking he won’t be around for those boys, and they are already missing out on their granny then maybe he wants to compensate in the only way he knows how.

Your daughters have had a granddad into their adult lives, your nephews might not have that. Has he done things with your daughters that he is now too infirm to do with the nephews? Has he spent money over and above Christmas/birthday presents for your girls?

I am in the lovely position of having a new GC last year but am coming to terms with the fact that I may never know them as an adult as I do their big cousins. It is sad and I've looked at things I've done for the older ones, presents when they graduated/passed exams, holidays with them and I'm looking at putting money in place so the little one will get the equivalent. Is that what he is doing?

When you say you handle all his financial affairs - do you mean in an official capacity via a POA?

Exactly right.

Is he planning to give your dc money for their 21st or some other occasion, I would qak him and would deal hurt, a ksimilae thing happened to us and the person I was upset most with was my sibling who had poa over the money transferred more money to her children.

We had a situation like this in our family so I do empathise . It was a bit more complicated . My DH has 6 DSs - one is my DSS and my 5 DSs his DB just has 1 DD . My MiL once said to me - I'm kind of the family finance guide for some reason-she wanted my DN to benefit more from her will that the DGSs . I don't even know why ! My DN has an excellent job and will of course inherit a full house where ours just get 6ths of everything which doesn't end up being very much ! So I said we'll just split your will in half between her 2 DSs then and none to her DGCs. The her DSs to share as they see fit. Which she did . But it always stuck in my mind and I wondered why ? I was upset about it but kept it to myself I think it did slightly affect our relationshipfrom then.It wasn't our sons fault that there's 6 of them ! And she always lived telling everyone about our big family being of Irish Catholic heritage. So I do empathise . Maybe if some else deals with it they can straight forwardly ask him? And point out the presents over the years won't be anything like 5k? It will be awkward for you to do that . He might not have thought it through properly?

Just say something simple like "and to the girls too"?

See what his reaction is!

I agree with this.

I haven't had the time to read all the responses, but I have seen a lot of "it's his money he can do what he likes" which, while true, doesn't mean you are not entitled to feel how you feel. £5000 is a significant amount, even if your girls had a £50 present both Christmas and Birthday for 18 years that is still only £1800. That is a lot of Christmases and birthdays for your nephews.

Your father may be able to spend how he likes, but he has to accept the consequences of his own actions and, especially with you managing his money, how you might feel. A lot of people seem to think when it comes to money you can do whatever you like to the extent that you, OP, are made to feel like a bad person for even thinking about being upset.

I think this is another one of those dilemmas. If she had given all the GC the same amount your BIL could have thought it was unfair that your branch of the family was getting more than his branch. I don't think there is a "right" answer to that one.

It’s completely understandable to feel hurt, particularly if it’s after a lifetime of your sibling being favoured. I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s completely fine to favour one child/grandchild over others - imo it’s usually done because of a ‘golden child’ type dynamic or because the favoured one is manipulative. This is devastating for the one left out in the cold.

Unfortunately it sounds like all you can do is manage your own response. It’s unlikely anything you say will change a lifetime of favouritism.

@Soozikinzii could that have been an old fashioned view of women being financially disadvantaged and she wanted to give her independence?

OP perhaps all the adults are mentioned in the will, but children won't be. My Mother did that. You should have said, just 2 of the grandchildren? If your daughters have had their share, I'd let it go, unless there's a big discrepancy in your and your siblings income and one set will need it but not the other.