Another one about a family member gifting money

[bananasaredelicious]

(namechanged for this)

Sorry to have another thread about this and 'fairness'.

I handle all the financial affairs for my Dad since my lovely Mum passed away a few years ago.

He has, today, asked me to transfer £5,000 to each of my nephew's junior ISA accounts (his grandsons). He hasn't said anything about my daughters (his other 2 grandchildren), who are both over 18. (Nephews are both under 10).

I know that over the years, he has spent more money on my girls as they are older and so have had more birthdays etc etc, but it is quite hurtful that he is asking me to do this transfer. It isn't a question of affording it, as he could afford it.

I know I shouldn't let money come between us, but I am quite upset about this especially as I am very close to him and help him with general day to day life on a daily basis.

How do I just let this go and try to ignore it? I know it is his money to spend as he wishes, but he always makes a big deal about how he is always fair and does for one what he does for the other.

I have always felt that my sibling is the favourite, and this makes me feel even more passed over :(

This.

we have just found out dh’s brother and their children have had 0000’s over the years. Because they asked- almost coerced “if grandchild doesn’t get this amount of money they’l have to move/not get married/ give up their uni place”

i have no idea what they were thinking, but dh is devastated. Whenever we’ve mentioned something like oh we can’t afford to come away for the weekend, we’re paying for kids school trip, absolutely nothing, and we’ve not gone. While they’ve paid for his brother and his kids.

@HappyHamsters yes, it might have been best had it been gifted to me, (& DB) rather than to my girls (& DB). My ex was fuming because he saw it as a way of keeping it from him should we divorce. Ironically, at the time, I thought that was ridiculous, we were happily married. When we divorced, it made perfect sense and he was even more annoyed about it. (My decision to divorce and all totally unrelated), but yes, had it simply been to me and my sibling, it would have remained clearer in memories I suspect.

Why would you not mention he’d previously gifted money to your DC in your OP? There’s your answer right therE

I'd agree with PP by just asking gently "right Dad no problem will get that set up for the 2x DNs, can I just check if you wanted to do anything for the granddaughters?"

I don't think asking open question like that is a problem. If he shuts it down like you've said has previously then you have to let it go because then it's not that he forgot, it's that he didn't want to

The request from my Dad has been by email.

I think I need to either, just carry it out, and reply to state it has been done, and try to forget about it.

OR

I reply to say that I will do this later/tomorrow, and is this just for the 2 grandsons, or for the girls too?

I suspect he wouldn't reply to that, and it makes me feel grabby. I want to be looking after all his affairs/admin/and everything else that I do, that my sibling doesn't do, day to day, without any hard feelings etc.

For example, when I discovered last year he was gifting my brother enough avios to fly first class to Australia (the equivalent of), and not me.

I am trying very hard to look after Dad with love and good intention, and I hate how this makes me feel :(

Because he gifted her brother an equal amount at the same time.

so db got a gift, and o/p’s DD’s got the same to make it equal.

@AuntieJoyce he had gifted the same generous amount to my sibling at the same time (there were no children on his side yet), so in effect, we/our children had received the same amount overall, therefore I didn't think I needed to mention.

I love this response... 'can I just check'.... Thank you

You can give away much more than £3k per year providing that it is from income and not capital. OP, check this out with an IFA.

I also manage my elderly DF's finances with his blessing. Over Christmas he asked me to transfer money to me, my sister, my DDs and my nephew. My sister gets cross that my 2 DDs get the same amount each that her DS gets. In her eyes, her family is being treated "worse" than mine. However, DF wants to give each GC the same amount. Can you see the different viewpoints?

Do your DDs have any financial projects coming up, whereby they might need money, for example, a deposit for a vehicle or house? Maybe your DF is keeping that option available. Talk to him.

@AuntieJoyce I had a lovely Auntie Joyce, and your name has made me smile :)

I don't see the problem with replying to the email with the clarification ? You seem very sensitive about doing this and I'm not sure ypu should be ! It's a normal sort of question/clarification and you can write it open ended so it's not seeming grabby. Don't worry !

But it’s clearly very relevant. You’re getting answers to the wrong question

It can't always be exactly the same for everyone, and you don't why he's done it. My husbands parents are ALWAYS giving money to his sisters children who totally take advantage of them, and our children never really get anything because they don't ask/beg. But that's fine, it's their money to do with as they please. As long as your children aren't going without I wouldn't worry

@bananasaredelicious "Can I just check that this payment is for just two of your four grandchildren"?

eta; just noticed @2chocolateoranges has already suggested

Good! FWIW I would raise as sounds like he’s forgotten the previous equivalence. Don’t let it fester

This is what I'd do also.

I co-manage (with a sibling) the affairs of an older relative, who has learning disabilities. She wants to leave her property in her will, in a way I don't agree with; but, y'know, that's her wishes, and I'd never go against them. We've got things set up in the way she wants, and I've had to put my opinions to the side on that. I have no doubt this is what the OP is feeling. There is no suggestion she won't do what her father is asking.

I think just say what you've said here.

When you next see him ask for a chat and say something along the lines of "done what you've asked. However i felt upset about it because XYZ. I totally understand it's your to do as you want with however I think it would be better for our relationship, and mine with FavouriteChild that you either manage your own finances from now on to keep your privacy and I can help you learn how to do that or you could ask Favourite Child to take on the role of managing your finances in future."

Obviously you woundnt say FavouriteChild!

I'd have to question him for sure! If he ignored me or dismissed it then I think I'd make it clear that I'd need to step back from sorting his finances/everything because maybe you're not the right person to overlook his affairs.
I don't like treating family members differently. I certainly wouldn't just transfer the money and drop it.

Maybe if you did ask he might say your dc already got a gift and now he wants to give his nephews a gift. It was your, sensible, decision to give it to your dc but overall the amounts are not the same per family unit so maybe he would gift you instead if he wants everyone to get the same but no idea if it's worth the heartache.

How much was the previous gift to the grand daughters? Sorry if I have missed that.

Really what would be fair is a gift to the grandsons and a gift to yourself. The grandchildren have had the same, not fair for the girls to have two gifts and the boys just one,

Can’t you just say, oh ok, can I ask why you’re making this decision? Then you can find out for sure if he’s forgotten the past arrangements. I have just edited this post because it occurs to me that you should be asking why for all instructions in case of any future come back.

Playing devil's advocate and seeing this from your Dad's POV - he has gifted your DDs money (I'm assuming sizeable from the comments you have made about your then DH wanting it). You are actually pissed off your DB had money and you haven't. You are the one who has missed out not your DDs.

(My parents gave one brother a house so I do absolutely hear where you are coming from - but I think you really need to be honest with yourself where the hurt is and I don't think it's your DDs, but it's "nicer" to say it's them and not you)

I think this is a good approach and it would be my preferred method, I think.

Sometimes it can be a simple case of someone not thinking straight.

My own parents were always determined to be even handed to their children and grandchildren. Just after my Dad died though my mother's thinking could be very rushed and muddled on that sort of thing, which is understandable.

I remember she suddenly, and totally unprompted, piped up that one of my DDs should be gifted my Dad's car, which was worth a fair bit of money at that time as it was low mileage and not old. I gently pointed out that whilst I had no actual problem with DD getting a car, that would be awkward to explain to her other 5 grandchildren because it would mean that there was no possibility of being even handed.

My mother agreed with that immediately and decided that the car would be sold (she no longer drives herself due to poor health and failing eyesight) and the proceeds split evenly in cash gifts for the 6 grandchildren, who are all now in their twenties.

All of us were much more comfortable with that, including my mother, who admitted that she was finding it hard to think clearly.

So I'd ask him as suggested above by @2chocolateoranges and see what happens. You'll have to accept his decision, but he might just not have given it full consideration.

I totally disagree with those saying that you as his daughter are the wrong person to deal with his finances. It is very normal for someone to choose trusted family members when setting up things like financial Power of Attorney. My sister and I both have financial Power of Attorney for our mother should it become necessary.

I don’t get this being a martyr and never even questioning this stuff. Personally I’d hand at least half of it over to my brother in your shoes. Dad, I’m run off my feet, I’m a single mum and have so much on. I love you but I do feel you take me for granted. It’s dbs turn to book your appts etc while I try and lower my stress levels and save some for my retirement. They are solidly well off and not stressed about retirement and have each other to support them with the dc, he can find the time. I’ll visit on Saturday, then I’m away for a week to get some rest. I can’t afford Australia but I’ve booked spot x. I Love you, bye.

I guess that is a way to look at it. But, genuinely I am not interested in seeking any gift now from my Dad, and tbh, it was a generous amount that makes me feel less pressure (especially as a single mum), to contribute to my girls buying a property as their Grandfather has done this. So, honestly, it isn't hurt that it isn't me receiving the money, it really is as simple as him gifting his other grandchildren, and not all equally.