Another one about a family member gifting money

[bananasaredelicious]

(namechanged for this)

Sorry to have another thread about this and 'fairness'.

I handle all the financial affairs for my Dad since my lovely Mum passed away a few years ago.

He has, today, asked me to transfer £5,000 to each of my nephew's junior ISA accounts (his grandsons). He hasn't said anything about my daughters (his other 2 grandchildren), who are both over 18. (Nephews are both under 10).

I know that over the years, he has spent more money on my girls as they are older and so have had more birthdays etc etc, but it is quite hurtful that he is asking me to do this transfer. It isn't a question of affording it, as he could afford it.

I know I shouldn't let money come between us, but I am quite upset about this especially as I am very close to him and help him with general day to day life on a daily basis.

How do I just let this go and try to ignore it? I know it is his money to spend as he wishes, but he always makes a big deal about how he is always fair and does for one what he does for the other.

I have always felt that my sibling is the favourite, and this makes me feel even more passed over :(

And do not reply but dad and I both know brother wont do this stuff. If you both know this then let your dad sit with really knowing it for a few weeks, and realise that he actually really values your contribution. Which maybe he should show some respect for if he wants it back. Instead of the current thinking which is of course service human will do this without thanks or my allowing her input. You deserve to be treated like a human being here.

This.

Someone handling money for another (and is he not capable?) needs to be impartial. He does not have to account to you for his actions with his money.

Yes, I very much feel like my contribution isn't valued or appreciated at all, vs my DB who has young kids and a v demanding career so is unable to offer help in the same way. (Additionally, I live less than 5 mins away, and DB lives over 1.5 hours away).

It feels like my contribution is just what happens, and that's life, vs my DB who is making an impact on the business world and therefore much more important than me.

(But that is a whole new thread... about feeling taken for granted and that I am just doing my duty (which I am), but it feels a thankless task). I've spent half hour holding at his dr's surgery, a long time on the phone to Age UK about attendance allowance, and other admin bits and bobs)... see you in the elderly parents board ;)

But you literally said in your first post that he has given plenty to your DCs - now over 18 - over the years. I am struggling to see a problem in what he is doing @bananasaredelicious

@SweetBirdsong yes. this is correct and I need to remember this and think rationally. My girls have the wonderful benefit and memories of special times with both grandparents, which the others won't have.

But, it just hurts a bit to think he is gifting directly to 2/4 grandchildren. I am trying hard to remain impartial, but just letting my inner upset out on here..

‘My brother is busy with… ‘ I’m sorry but blah blah. I suspect if your roles were reversed you would still be the one expected to contribute considerable amounts of time. ‘You know what dad, these are phone calls. Db can do some of them. He might be busy but so am I and he’s only got one dad. I’m going to pass them onto him.

I have young kids and full time job and I’m BUSY. But I do my fair share of family organsing and firmly step back from more than my fair share and toss it into someone else’s clearly named lap.

This. And please come back and update us OP if you do gently challenge your dad (which I really hope you do)- I am so invested in this now as I feel very outraged on your behalf, not just at your dad's favouritism/taking you for granted but also all the posters bizarrely calling you unreasonable!

I think you would be extremely cheeky, well just wrong, to ask about your daughters. They already had their gifts, when they were children which you conveniently forgot to mention in your first post.

So this is not about grandchildren, I expect he thinks he is being fair. This is about you feeling that you have been treated differently to your brother. If you want to bring that up, then do so, but leave the grandchildren out of it.

As an aside, I don’t think you should bring it up, as you only even have sight of this because you are dealing with your fathers finances and you really should be objective about that.

After all, he clearly wasn’t too busy to go to Australia. Which takes a bit of organising, I know this well as I’ve done it many times with young children and live there now.

I would be hurt, not because of the money but because you have been asked to action something without a simple explanation about why it's the nephew's and not your girls.
I would send the money and next time you get a face to face chat with him ask if it was due to the money they got previously just to put the why questions in your head to rest.

I suspect he feels he is evening it up with your children having already been gifted money previously. If he gave to your children again, they would be having more than the other 2, in total. If he was being absolutely fair, he would be gifting you money for yourself to make up for the money your brother has received previously, but perhaps he is purely thinking about evening up the money gifted to grandchildren at the moment.

@Superscientist

A couple of pages in, OP revealed that her daughters received substantial gifts when they were children.

So the disparity was between OP and her brother not the grandchildren.

IMO you should be impartial in your administration of his affairs.

There could be any number of possible explanations why he wants to do it this way. Maybe he will give your daughters some money at some other point. Maybe there is some other reason why he wants the others to get the money now that he has discussed with his other child but hasn't discussed with you. Maybe he is even testing your impartiality because other family member has expressed concern to him over how his finances are currently managed.

If you were going to use privileged knowledge to try to benefit your side of the family then to me that is an abuse of trust.

My guess is that taking the high ground and understanding that if that is what he wants to do then that is what he can do is probably going to be more long term beneficial to you than questioning his behaviour now.

Maybe I am seeing it wrong, which is exactly why I am here.

In my mind, the amount gifted to my girls, and to my DB, at the same time, was v generous and was identical.

Now, a further sum is being gifted solely to only 2 grandchildren.

I see it as irrelevant whether the money went to myself or my DB or my daughters previously, it was the same amount going to each of the children (or in my case, the descendants of), and was equal amounts overall. (same for me(my daughters) as for my brother.)

Now, it is an extra gift, solely to my DB's children.

It is irrelevant that I am visiting Dad most days, spending a lot of time and effort on his admin etc, that is my choice, and my pleasure, and I don't want to be 'paid' for that.

I am just hurt, that he is gifting 2 / 4 grandchildren.

I guess from reading the above posts, it is understandable, and I need to either question it and bring it up (yet don't want to be coercive/controlling, it IS his money), or I need to put emotions aside and imagine I was a paid accountant dealing with his wishes.

I'm just trying to manage my emotions that's all...

Thank you for this. I am really trying to be impartial and wouldn't have thought to even ask about it in any way, shape or form. I am just trying to manage my emotions about this. Yes, I always believe that what goes around comes around, and I'm trying to hope that there is a good reason, and one day it will be clear.

You have to be impartial, it may feel,upsetting but it is his money, you have all benefitted from his generosity in the past so try and let it go, it will eat you up, just be grateful you still have him in your lives, money is just money.

I wouldn't lose sleep over this, obviously you can only gift a certain amount for tax reasons, maybe it's the other grandchildrens turn next year .

Honestly imo, when he is no longer here all this will just become a distant memory that really wasn't worth causing any bad feeling or headspace.

It is irrelevant that I am visiting Dad most days, spending a lot of time and effort on his admin etc, that is my choice, and my pleasure, and I don't want to be 'paid' for that.

I'm glad you think that. I'm always surprised when posters don't and they believe they should get bigger inheritances than siblings who haven't helped their parents.

TBF my SIL 'cared' for an obnoxious uncle of hers and I could never work out why she helped until he died and she got left a nice flat!

I've one sibling who is truely horrible and rarely speak to my parents and if he does it's to ask for money. My parents are still splitting their will equally between us all and I think that the right thing to do even though I do nearly all the caring. My other siblings agree too.

I wonder is he planning on leaving something to your daughters in his will as they are adults.

@bananasaredelicious

FFS he is not gifting 2/4 grandchildren. He gifted them all but at different times!

I feel like you are trying to manipulate by pulling on grandchildren heart strings whereas in actual fact, if you must say something, you need to ask why you are treated differently to your brother and stop hiding behind grandchildren.

Again though. Whilst I think this is the only valid “complaint” I don’t personally think you should abuse your position of trust as financial power of attorney to question your fathers decisions.

In my mind, the amount gifted to my girls, and to my DB, at the same time, was v generous and was identical.

So was it more than he's giving your dn?

I think you have to separate out giving to grandchildren, and giving to children.

Your dn probably won't see the amount that was given to your dbro for a very long time, if they get it at all, so I don't think you can say that's their share.

I totally see where you are coming from that your db got the same money as your children. However his children didn’t get anything and perhaps he wants something to be from him directly to them. And it sounds like it could be a smaller amount too? More a gesture (albeit generous one) that he wants to come from him. Your girls already got that.
Really he should be giving you the extra money to even it up, which I know you say you don’t want, but he hasn’t slighted your girls. If anything when/if the boys find out in later years they got a smaller amount they may have an issue.
You and your db will get the inheritance so just see this as a token to the grandsons he hadn’t given to and try it let it go

I think, in his head, he is evening out what he has gifted to the Grandchildren. You need to forget the gift to your DB for now as I think he is just focussing on making sure all is fair in regards to the children, and there is no way of not sounding grabby if you question him. (Plus its not really your business, unless he was being forced into something)
I also think your issue is around the money he gave your brother, not this particular situation with the grandchildren. (understandable).
He may have made allowances in his will for you, bearing in mind the support you give and the gift he has already given your brother. I hope you don't find out too soon. Try and move on while you still have him.

Maybe you should put your petty nastiness aside 🙄