Another one about a family member gifting money

[bananasaredelicious]

(namechanged for this)

Sorry to have another thread about this and 'fairness'.

I handle all the financial affairs for my Dad since my lovely Mum passed away a few years ago.

He has, today, asked me to transfer £5,000 to each of my nephew's junior ISA accounts (his grandsons). He hasn't said anything about my daughters (his other 2 grandchildren), who are both over 18. (Nephews are both under 10).

I know that over the years, he has spent more money on my girls as they are older and so have had more birthdays etc etc, but it is quite hurtful that he is asking me to do this transfer. It isn't a question of affording it, as he could afford it.

I know I shouldn't let money come between us, but I am quite upset about this especially as I am very close to him and help him with general day to day life on a daily basis.

How do I just let this go and try to ignore it? I know it is his money to spend as he wishes, but he always makes a big deal about how he is always fair and does for one what he does for the other.

I have always felt that my sibling is the favourite, and this makes me feel even more passed over :(

Thanks for all your replies.. I just wrote a really long response then my laptop refreshed and I lost it. I was trying to answer questions:

I was hurt by the comment that PP hopes I'm not in charge when my father is no longer here. I am doing everything he has asked, to the best of my knowledge and ability. I will only ever carry out his wishes. I don't try to manipulate him or change what he asks for, ever.

I wouldn't ask him 'for all 4 grandchildren' as this I think could be coercive, and as others say, although potentially hurtful, I am just carrying out his wishes.

I manage all the finances with his direction. He doesn't know how to login online, or make payments etc. He tells me who to pay, gas, electric, etc, and I handle all the household admin. It takes a lot of time, and I do it willingly, with pleasure to make his life easier.

I am not trying to take control or make him do anything inappropriate or against his wishes.

I don't know what the PP infers that they hope I'm not in charge when he's no longer here, as I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't ask for.

My girls have always received modest, and very well received, gifts, for Christmas, birthdays, 21st etc, (£20-£30) which is adequate really.

I am a single mum with less financial security than my sibling who is a high earning professional, as is his wife.

I think my Dad has forgotten that when he gifted my girls as children, a generous amount, he also gifted the same to my sibling to pay off a chunk of his mortgage. The gift to my girls has been discussed recently, and I think this prompted this gift, perhaps, and he has forgotten that the same was gifted to my sibling (who didn't have children yet).

I don't want to change my Dad's wishes etc, and I will of course carry it out. (quickly, so that I can delete the email from my inbox and move on!!), but I still find it hurtful and don't want to. As other PPs point out, there could be other things I don't know about and it just happens that I know about this one.

I know that his will leaves everything split 40/40/20 between myself and sibling, and my Dad's sibling.

No mention of any grandchildren in the will.

I will, of course, let it go. But I'm hurt, and as PP says, maybe this is understandable after a lifetime of favouritism.

@bananasaredelicious Would you, at least, be able to ask him about also being equitable wrt his other grandchildren (i.e. your daughters)?

At least then it would inform you, as to his actual reasoning which would then "help" you going forward

Do you think your sibling has, perhaps, had a quiet word, about gifting their children, without your knowledge?

So tricky, but I completely understand your upset 💐

just eta; cross posted with your latest reply at to re-iterate you are not unreasonable

@bananasaredelicious I can understand you are in a difficult position and it may seem unfair, but please don't be hurt by your dad's actions. As you say he has probably forgotten that he equalised it between your DDs and your brother and only remembers that he gave your Dds some money and is trying to equalise it by giving your nephew's some money and it is as simple as that 💐

He may well remember gifting to your DC in the past but genuinely forgotten making it equal years ago.

I have poa over my
mums estate as she has dementia's .. if she said this to me I'd just say yeah yeah and not do it .

Or give £5k to all the children ..

Does he have capacity? I spend hours of my own time helping her for free and that's not fair !

I would clarify if he wants £5000 to each of the grandchildren.
If he says no, then I would reconsider my relationship with him. Might sound harsh but I can't abide by favouritism.

If you are managing his finances then I'm guessing you do more for him than your siblings?

I would tell him you're stepping back from managing his finances as it's unfair to rub his favouritism in your face. Stop talking to him and let your siblings step up to help him. Maybe when you start suiting yourself he'll appreciate what you do for him. It's a matter of principle. No-one is going to treat my child as less than.

I think the fact that you help your dad with the practicalities allows you to ask questions. In the same way as when you transfer a lot of money the bank asks some “are you sure question” I feel you have license to do the same. Not from a jealousy point of view, but from a management pov.

tell him of course you’ll transfer it, but as it’s such a lot of money can you ask some questions first.

Such as “what is the intention and what is it for?” If for example he wants it for uni for them and thinks he might not be around, actually gifting it directly to their ISAs may not be the best thing if they have acesss before uni.

go from there and see what he says

Just to throw another thing in... has dad thought about inheritance tax or deprivation of assets?

You can't give away more than 3k in any year (willing to be corrected)

Could that be an opener for a bit more discussion?

Maybe he remembers gifting your dc before and now wants to gift the others, was it more than £5k. He might not equate helping with your dB mortgage to gifting his grandchildren. Did he give you anything when he helped with dB mortgage. Money always seems to cause upset.

@HappyHamsters when he gifted my girls, he gifted for DB's mortgage at the same time. My (then) DH was upset that the money was going to our children, not to us, yet to my DB, (he didn't have children). My Dad offered to change it, and give it to us not our girls, but we decided to leave as is.

Yes, money always causes upset somewhere doesn't it?

I will look into the tax implications. Thank you.

I absolutely agree with this. Always the ones who treat them the worst that they have to favour almost as if out of fear. Then the child/grandchild or whoever that offers the most support is treated badly/forgotten. I would be direct. Why should you be here thinking all these thoughts over and over in your head whilst he hasn’t got a clue. Be direct, talk to him about how you feel.

I would have done this for sure.

This could amount to financial abuse. I don't think you understand the requirements of your role. Also, if you really begrudge the time managing her affairs, you don't have to do it. Better it's managed appropriately through the Court of Protection.

This. When he told you, didn't you say ' that's great, what do I do about the girls?' and let him explain.

I gave DD2 a few ££££’s to help her buy her house. I didn’t give DD1 anything because she bought with her DH and his DM gave them far more than that. Sometimes, treating siblings equally isn't the same as treating them equitably.

How much did he gift your girls, and when?

You've had some harsh replies. It's difficult, you know what you have to do but it must hurt over and over to feel second best when you are doing so much to help him.

It's probably not personal this time however much it might feel so. I suspect you're right, he's forgotten the gift to your sibling. Or maybe he has decided your children have a better start in life and is trying to "even things up" for your nephews for some other reason. This seems more likely than the idea he is deliberately favouring your nephews and rubbing it in your face... probably... but no matter the chances, if it's a possibility that there's an innocent explanation I would cling to that. Especially in the context that he needs help with his finances, so lapses of memory or judgement are somewhat to be expected.

I completely get why it stings though, and why you'd want to let out your feelings a bit before doing what you need to do.

My Mum gives my daughter cash when she sees her as she feels as she is much than her cousins and siblings that she has missed out over the years and she is worried that she has not received as much. No one in the family cares it is her money to do as she wishes.

Depending on the current size of his assets, doesn't it also apply should he need expensive care in future, i.e. if he runs down his assets significantly and then wants care funded by the council?

Yep.. deprivation of assets

My sister (and now her DS) has always gotten much more than me from our parents. Because she asks. It is unfair.

Bit I don’t get involved. That’s their relationship with her.

You can give away as much as you like. The first 3k is tax exempt.

if you die within 7 years then it would be included in the estate for iht.

deprivation of assets- if your dad is fit and well and there is no expectation of care needs in the future, then he is not depriving his estate to avoid care fees.

I agree with this. OP i appreciate that you worry about seeming coercive in mentioning the other gc but it's really not! You're just clarifying that he really intends to favour the boys. Which, as others have said, is blatant favouritism and deeply hurtful, especially when you're the one looking after him. Don't stand for it. You matter here. Sounds like your life has been more difficult than your sibling too as you are a single parent.

In hindsight maybe it would have been easier for him to have gifted you and your dB at the same time. How much was given out then, I guess it might feel that your dB family are getting double dibs.

Thank you for all these replies.

He has care, and funds this himself, and luckily has the means to continue to do so for a good, long while so it isn't about deprivation of assets to get council funding.

The availability of funds is one reason I'm upset. If he wanted to gift the same to my girls, it wouldn't impact his financial position.