To say No to this charity BS

[EffingBirthdays]

DS9 and 3 school mates are sharing a birthday party in few days .
I ve made a point to the other mums that we should add a note to what’s app group to kindly bring one present max , absolutely no need for anything more as kids will share

Thats when one of the other mums had the bright idea to donate ALL gifts to kids related charity - apparently her friend did it with her kid and it was massive success all parents were very happy etc

WTAF! Party is not cheap, and how the fuck do I say this to ds?

I don’t mind donating the odd gift but we have more than 40 kids invited, wtaf?

all other 3 mums agreed, wtf do I do? AIBU?

Yeah, I bet they’re impressed. With the fact they can now justify buying a much cheaper present.

I’ve done the ‘shared’ present thing when DD had a shared party - it was very simple, we told parents when they RSVP’d to please not bring more than one present and quite a few said thanks that’s a help. On the day, any presents with a name of went to the named child, then split the rest (before unwrapping!) so they ended up with the same amount e.g. if child A had 5 presents with her name on, and child B had 3 presents with her name on and there were 6 other unnamed present, kid A got 2 of those and kid b got 4, meaning they ended up with 7 presents each. I think that’s what is meant by sharing - I.e. sharing gifts out, ideally before they’re unwrapped. We got to share the cost of the party so saved some £ and parents weren’t put off attending by potentially double gift costs. Makes sense to me - the idea of shelling out for 4 could be off putting. It was all agreed about 3 weeks in advance though, the children didn’t see what the other child received (it never crossed my mind to compare!) - oh and we didn’t give any to charity!

Has anybody asked the kids whose actual birthdays it is?

I think teaching kids the benefit of donating to charity is good but not giving away their birthday presents! My child was at school with another child whose mum used to stipulate on party invites that no presents were to be given to the child at his party. I always felt 😳 about it.

So, it's already a done deal. I think I would take my son out for the day and not attend the party.

I can't imagine how things are going to end up happily with the boys being given presents and then having them taken away and going home with nothing.

I don't understand why a kid's party has to be turned into a virtue signalling exercise by the mothers. What's wrong with allowing children just to have fun?

@EffingBirthdays

I apprecite you've been on a rapid learning curve and can also understand why you don't feel brave enough to speak out.

However, I have a technique for these type of situations which means I can still make my point and not alienate others.

I say... 'I would have preferred the boys to keep their presents but see I'm outvoted, so I'll go along with the group decision'.

That way, you've not betrayed yourself and you've said your preference but in a very harmonious way.

everyone is very impressed with how considerate the boys are 😫

Nah they just don’t wanna be the one to say “Are you fucking serious?!” on a WhatsApp group… Not that it’s not kind of the boys (not that they had the choice..) but it’s annoying finding a thoughtful gift in little time available to parents as it is. We give loads to charity and I wouldn’t appreciate this - mainly as I know they’d prefer the cash than a load of plastic so soon after Xmas.

Sorry if someone has already said this I don't have time to read all the replies but what charity would take /benefit from these gifts anyway?

Mad Ted. We do €5 in an envelope for each birthday boy.

Maybe say it's what you'll be doing for your own birthday in future - and that you hope that everyone else in the group will do similar.

What charity are all these gifts going to?

It would have been a lovely idea if everyone had agreed to it before putting the message out but if it is not for you then you have a right to be annoyed about it

@PossumintheHouse not everyone buys "cheap tat" though. Some people actually choose presents they know the child would like and play with.

Absolute piss take.

By all means donate your own gifts, don't force it on others.

Stand up for your kid ffs.

No, but four presents in one go is one hell of an ask for a lot of people.

What in the Motherland type of do-gooder worthy one-up-manship shit is this 😂 Reminds me of the woman on the programme who wanted to raise money for her prodigal son to play the euphonium at school 😂😂 Seriously. Your child will remember not getting their gifts for the rest of their life if he's anything like mine, how sad!

Don't put these adults feelings over that. Say you'll keep your fair portion of the gifts, no need to apologise, no need to explain. Just assert what works best for you politely. If they pressure you, hooray, you've found out they are cunts and you can look for new friends, win-win.

I don't think it's a lovely idea in any way.

At that age my dc liked to choose a present for their friend, that they thought they'd like. Quite a lot of thought would go into it. They'd have been upset to find their friend didn't get the present.

And then I don't think it's my right to give away a present bought by someone else for my dc.

Let's see. I spend £10 on a present for my dc's friend. They give it to a charity shop (which, let's face it is probably what you're looking at). The charity shop sells it for £2-5.
Who's gained the most from that? Well either the original retailer or the person who bought it from a charity shop brand new as a cut down price.

If it was going to be give to charity, then I think they should have discussed it beforehand and chosen a charity-that's the kids I'm talking about, not the adults. then on the invitation they could put "no presents, we want to donate to X charity, please bring no more than £2" or something.

And my sneaky suspicious mind is also wondering if the original mum who suggested it is going to "kindly offer" to donate them herself... and either let her ds open all the presents and keep what he wants, or sell them.

I'd speak to my son and see what he wanted to do.

I find this kind of behaviour bizarre expecting kids to do something adult never would. Adult don't get told 'oh by the way all the presents you've just received for your wedding/birthday/ christmas are now going to be taken away and given to a random charity (that you may not even support). obviously some people choose to have a charity money box instead of gifts, and that is fine, but you state it from the outset and people don't then go to the bother of buying gift. if you'd made it clear to the boy and the guests that there would be no gifts and there would be charity donation, then that's one thing, but people bringing presents which will be wafted in front of the kids then removed Absolute madness.

The shit some children have to put up with when adult get a crazy idea is beyond me.
which particular charity did bossy woman decide will be the recipient of these gifts or hasn't she worked that out yet ? don;t be surprised if you end up sourcing a charity and delivering the gifts.

I hate people deciding for me which charities I should donate to. In this case both the children and the gift givers have not been consulted but are the ones being asked to contribute. At the very least, since it seems to be going ahead, you should have details of the charity available for everyone to see and know here their money/gift is going - that's basic courtesy to show you have made an informed decision and not just decided 'we don;t want any of your tat so we're ditching it'

Make sure you tell the givers in advance, that way they can choose not to bother with a gift.

It's a shame all things party have probably been paid for now cause I'd be suggesting I'm putting my share into a charity of my choice and handing over not one penny towards the actual party and leave it at that.

'And my sneaky suspicious mind is also wondering if the original mum who suggested it is going to "kindly offer" to donate them herself... and either let her ds open all the presents and keep what he wants, or sell them'

I doubt that would happen in an affluent area. It's probably that her kid has more than enough 'stuff' anyway, and she doesn't want to bring more tat into the house.

If I found out a gift was going to be donated I probably wouldn't bring one!

Never heard of the sharing out presents before.

Assumed(😊) that each child had invited who they wanted so each boy wouldn't get a present form each invitee.

My daughter went to a shared party once. Think there were 3 kids and then they each invited so many each. So we only bought a gift for the child who did the invite.

The fact that the woman has already shared her 'plans' on the WhatsApp group shows her intent to be seen as the cool mother with a huge social conscience. It doesn't mater to her that she will be spoiling the children's day so long as she received accolades from her friends. It also doesn't matter to her what you think OP.

I wonder if she's told her child that she'll be taking all his presents away once he receives them? I can't imagine any child being happy with what she has imposed.

That’s all well and good but in that case if this mum insists on being so virtuous, she should tell everyone to donate to a charity of their choice or just keep the cash they’d have spent on a gift in a CoL/climate crisis.