Colleague saying she has ASD/ADHD whenever I mention being ND - how to handle?

[Benchbythesea]

First of all, apologies for length of post - trying to provide enough context so it doesn't come across as goady. Also namechanged for this.

Context - I have a colleague who I have quite a lot of interaction with, eg group meetings and discussions. She is junior to me, but I don't manage her - we're on different teams but we work face to face in an open plan office and our teams collaborate a lot.

I've worked alongside them for a while, and for background I would say she's quite 'needy' - always got a drama of some sort that she will share in the office, sounds genuine but perhaps a little bit unaware that other people might also have similar problems but might not be quite as vocal about it. However she's good at her job, well liked, it's not an issue just something I've noticed (eg not to get too drawn in). I'm also aware that she's got an invisible disability and she does seem to seek attention a bit around this too, eg dropping flippant/casual comments about this and behaving like it's no big deal, eg people making small talk about the weekend and she'll say something like 'oh yeah, Saturday wasn't that exciting, spent it having an emergency blood transfusion but y'know....' which can be a bit of a conversation stopper. However I do understand that having an invisible disability is tough and she may be feel the need to remind people of it, it may not even been a conscious thing.

I have ASD. I am open about this at work, partly because I burned out in my last job pre diagnosis, and because I feel it's helpful when managing staff so we understand each other.

Theres been a few times recently when I've mentioned my ASD, eg in the context of finding something difficult, eg travelling for a large conference. I tend to mention things but keep it light, eg laughing about how presenting to a room of two hundred people didn't bother me at all but I'd prepped for days about how to do the small talk at the lunch after. Most people at work are supportive, and I've signposted a couple for support for suspected or diagnosed ND when they've asked me.

Colleague has made a few comments previously about autism being a superpower/we're all on the spectrum etc, which I haven't challenged as I felt it was intended well even if not something I personally agree with.

More recently when it's come up, she's started saying that she's sure she's autistic and has ADHD. She's not seeking a diagnosis, but she's 'sure'. If I've mentioned an example she tends to respond 'oh yeah me too... And goes on to 'trump' it by adding in an ADHD example (eg something like 'oh god yeah small talk, and that's even if I turn up on time because of my adhd')

Now... I respect that a lot of people are ND and don't seek diagnosis for many reasons. I get that masking is a big deal. I don't 'own' being autistic. I aim to create an environment where people feel confident in sharing their differences. But I just can't help feel that she's doing this to compete/bring attention back to her?

One reason why this bothers me I think - is ASD being a social and communication issue primarily - is it's bloody hard. And this colleague happens to be brilliant (genuinely) at many things which I just struggle to believe could be masked ASD. For example - excellent at networking, already made a name for herself in the company with very senior management due to this, despite being quite junior. Great at banter, very popular, loads of friends. Very active social life, has travelled the world, worked abroad etc etc. And I know there are people with ASD who have done all those things, but it just doesn't feel like she has any struggles re social/communication skills, quite the opposite. And re ADHD - the examples she brings up - being energetic, bored easily etc - really seem to be every day examples. Like being bored in a long, dull meeting. She's organised in work, rarely late, great memory, no issues with multiple tasks, finishes things she starts, plans well etc.

I've tried to just ignore it so far, and where I can avoid any reference to ASD around her, but she's mentioning it more and more. I'm worried that if I say nothing that at some point I'll snap and say something I shouldn't (I can be a bit too direct if my mask slips!) But then I've no right to challenge her if she's sure/she believes she's neurodiverse. Any advice on how to handle this?

That is interesting! Thanks for flagging.

@Firstbornunicorn thanks that's a very relatable post. I think ADHD is perceived as some as a trendy diagnosis as you say, which must be hard. I don't think as many people 'want' to be associated with ASD in comparison!

One aspect about 'managing' symptoms that is really depressing is the number of people (evidently some on here too) who think that because I can explain what some of the issues are, that its in my power to change it.
I can recognize after the event when I've said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, reacted the wrong way. Well, some of the time. Some of the time I'm oblivious. Some of the time it'll be a day or two later... FFS benchbythesea you did it again. But preventing it? Knowing at the time? You might as well ask me to control the phases of the moon. The only failsafe way would be to avoid interacting with people at all, but alas that doesn't pay the bills.

@Firstbornunicorn if you look up a few posts above yours, you’ll see I made the exact same point about having ADHD and how now so many people are getting diagnosed, NT roll their eyes as they think yes a fad. Which is very frustrating.

@WriterOfWrongs yes I know AuADHD is quite different, and one can mask the other. Just curious as to whether there are (solely) ASD extroverts out there! I suppose some ASD people are very sociable when they find a niche (eg being in a particular hobby that happens to attract others with ASD) It has piqued my interest.

Of course going back to the original post, a few people have mentioned about the possibility of said colleague being AuADHD and how that might present as very different so that is something that I intend to try and be more open minded/understanding about.

I know quite a few extroverts with autism, more introverts however.

Totally agree. I do have ADHD and find myself telling everybody. Possibly because its a new diagnosis, and I don’t want to be judged for being disorganise or a ‘nightmare’ or the ‘weird one’ any more. But I’ve decided not to speak about unless it is essential, because other people just aren’t interested and why should they be? Perhaps if you stop mentioning it, she might too.

I think the ‘introvert/extrovert’ is a red herring. Most people think of it as how sociable..but really it’s about how you recharge your energy. I describe myself as a ‘sociable introvert’. I like being sociable but as an AuDHDer who masks, I need time on my own to recharge.

She’s obviously at a different stage in her journey and acceptance. I think it’s a credit to you that you feel you’re now in a place to explain to others and advocate for yourself. 🙂

Your employer sounds very progressive and supportive. I wish all of them could be like this.

Just a thought - does this colleague feel threatened by you OP or does she do this with everyone? ie change most conversations around to her & one up people?
Is she generally quite competitive with people in as much as she feels a need to dominate conversations etc?

I agree with other posters there are ramifications of claiming to be disabled in the workplace without formal support/diagnosis in place.

Next time this colleague claims to struggle similarly to you, I would sympathise (minimally) & then ask what support she is getting from HR /elsewhere to help her manage? And if she isn’t - that it might help if she did. Then clearly state again that you are not talking about her experience of this aspect of being ND. That you’d like to get back to the original pint you were making.

But I think you have already tried to!