Colleague saying she has ASD/ADHD whenever I mention being ND - how to handle?

[Benchbythesea]

First of all, apologies for length of post - trying to provide enough context so it doesn't come across as goady. Also namechanged for this.

Context - I have a colleague who I have quite a lot of interaction with, eg group meetings and discussions. She is junior to me, but I don't manage her - we're on different teams but we work face to face in an open plan office and our teams collaborate a lot.

I've worked alongside them for a while, and for background I would say she's quite 'needy' - always got a drama of some sort that she will share in the office, sounds genuine but perhaps a little bit unaware that other people might also have similar problems but might not be quite as vocal about it. However she's good at her job, well liked, it's not an issue just something I've noticed (eg not to get too drawn in). I'm also aware that she's got an invisible disability and she does seem to seek attention a bit around this too, eg dropping flippant/casual comments about this and behaving like it's no big deal, eg people making small talk about the weekend and she'll say something like 'oh yeah, Saturday wasn't that exciting, spent it having an emergency blood transfusion but y'know....' which can be a bit of a conversation stopper. However I do understand that having an invisible disability is tough and she may be feel the need to remind people of it, it may not even been a conscious thing.

I have ASD. I am open about this at work, partly because I burned out in my last job pre diagnosis, and because I feel it's helpful when managing staff so we understand each other.

Theres been a few times recently when I've mentioned my ASD, eg in the context of finding something difficult, eg travelling for a large conference. I tend to mention things but keep it light, eg laughing about how presenting to a room of two hundred people didn't bother me at all but I'd prepped for days about how to do the small talk at the lunch after. Most people at work are supportive, and I've signposted a couple for support for suspected or diagnosed ND when they've asked me.

Colleague has made a few comments previously about autism being a superpower/we're all on the spectrum etc, which I haven't challenged as I felt it was intended well even if not something I personally agree with.

More recently when it's come up, she's started saying that she's sure she's autistic and has ADHD. She's not seeking a diagnosis, but she's 'sure'. If I've mentioned an example she tends to respond 'oh yeah me too... And goes on to 'trump' it by adding in an ADHD example (eg something like 'oh god yeah small talk, and that's even if I turn up on time because of my adhd')

Now... I respect that a lot of people are ND and don't seek diagnosis for many reasons. I get that masking is a big deal. I don't 'own' being autistic. I aim to create an environment where people feel confident in sharing their differences. But I just can't help feel that she's doing this to compete/bring attention back to her?

One reason why this bothers me I think - is ASD being a social and communication issue primarily - is it's bloody hard. And this colleague happens to be brilliant (genuinely) at many things which I just struggle to believe could be masked ASD. For example - excellent at networking, already made a name for herself in the company with very senior management due to this, despite being quite junior. Great at banter, very popular, loads of friends. Very active social life, has travelled the world, worked abroad etc etc. And I know there are people with ASD who have done all those things, but it just doesn't feel like she has any struggles re social/communication skills, quite the opposite. And re ADHD - the examples she brings up - being energetic, bored easily etc - really seem to be every day examples. Like being bored in a long, dull meeting. She's organised in work, rarely late, great memory, no issues with multiple tasks, finishes things she starts, plans well etc.

I've tried to just ignore it so far, and where I can avoid any reference to ASD around her, but she's mentioning it more and more. I'm worried that if I say nothing that at some point I'll snap and say something I shouldn't (I can be a bit too direct if my mask slips!) But then I've no right to challenge her if she's sure/she believes she's neurodiverse. Any advice on how to handle this?

@Paininthederriere thank you, you've summed it up well

For the other poster who mentioned about turnover, yes we have an influx of new graduates twice a year along with apprentices. We have a lot of visiting staff from other buildings. Itd be great if people remembered how to accommodate but I don't expect it to be on people's radar. I mention it when I need to. I don't want to risk burning out and ending up in a position where I can't work.

There are a remarkable number of posters on here being deliberately obtuse and ignoring points I've made earlier. For those who can't be arsed to read properly and just want to stick the boot in, I hope you are happier and less bitter than you come across on here.

@marthasmum thanks for your kind words
@Vallmo47 that sounds difficult, thank you for the advice

I've had some good tips from a few people in this thread and I'm going to dip out from here. Thanks to anyone else who has been helpful and I've forgotten to @ !

Sorry, not sure how the GIF got in my post or how to remove it.

@PriOn1 it was a welcome interlude!

I agree - she is "flippant" (bad) while you are "light hearted" (good), but in both cases your colleagues are probably just nodding politely and moving the conversation along.

But you’re assuming she’s making stuff up. You have absolutely no right of exclusivity over ASD/ADHD and you don’t know that she’s making up anything. She may well actually have a more significant disability than you do. You simply don’t know.

The only thing you can control is your reaction to her discussing her conditions. You do that by minimising the discussions you have with her about it. She feels she can mention it in your presence because you mention your conditions so stop doing the things that exacerbate her behaviour and irritate you.

I’m not trying to be horrible I’m trying to be helpful.

This colleague’s behaviour sounds difficult and irritating - but I think it does suggest she has some social communication issues, whatever their origin may be. Being difficult and irritating is rarely a choice people make. She clearly can’t intuitively ‘get’ what’s appropriate to say in the workplace and what effect she is having on others. This may not be how ASD affects you, but it could easily be how ADHD / ASD affect her (and it is how a lot of AuDHD people present, particularly when they are younger with less impulse control).

She’s young, she’s less mature than you, with less experience of professional environments. She’s rubbing everyone up the wrong way by the sound of things. Try to redirect your attention if you can so it doesn’t bother you so much.

Nail on the head tbh.

Being ND yourself you should already know the vast majority of us, especially where AuDHD is concerned, make conversation by relating things back to ourselves. It’s not attention seeking, and having been told we were attention seeking all throughout childhood for undiagnosed ND it is extremely offensive for you to speak that shite yourself.

Itd be great if people remembered how to accommodate but I don't expect it to be on people's radar. I mention it when I need to. I don't want to risk burning out and ending up in a position where I can't work.

That's totally understandable but it's down to your manager to, well, manage. You shouldn't need to bring it up all the time. If you can't cope with a situation or need support with something, you need to speak to your manager, not your colleagues.

However the flip side of that is that if it is okay for you to bring it up when you need to, then it should be equally acceptable for her to bring it up too. You can't have one rule for you and one for everyone else.

OP you are giving off ‘only gay in the village’ little Britain vibes.

Kindly OP, I literally can't see 1 person being obtuse. People are all giving their opinion like you have yours. Unfortunately I just think most people disagree with you that's all.

@Express0 you are giving off 'i can't read the multiple times poster has said that they support/work with other people with ASD and ADHD and there isn't any issue'

Off to work now so won't be posting further!

Try and look at it positively- you've developed an environment whereby you talking about your challenges she feels able to talk about hers.

You sound obsessed with your own diagnoses and those of others

The world doesnt centre around your disorders or other peoples

People just arent interested. In the same way people arent interested in people talking diet talk, or problems with their car, or problems with their heating system.

You need to concentrate on your work

It depends where OP works really. There's a trend in some places to "bring your whole self" to work.

Why is it a positive to create an environment where people talk about their challenges? Its not a self help support group, its a place of work

Yup, and what a mistake that is

As a client or customer I am not interested and it is irrelevant to the job someone is doing, in 'their whole self'.

Posts on AIBU to get opinions, is given opinions, right I'm off now and won't be back because I disagree with everyone's opinions.

Amazing 🤣

Well it's that or it's a negative so I was trying to help OP reframe it.

I didn't offer an opinion on if its good or bad but if you work in such a place there will be pressure to overshare.

I totally agree with this. It sounds to me that you are being unreasonable. No one trumps another with their own personal issues. We are all in this life trying to get through with our own issues.
deep breath and try not to focus on her because she’s irritating you. But try to see the good in her too

You can't really stop her behaviour but you can try not to react or let it bother you. I appreciate if you are ND that might not be as easy as it sounds but developing a strategy to try and tune her out would help you. As ASD is a spectrum not all ND people present the same as you know and women in particular can be good at masking.

It does sound annoying but short of transferring to another team or confronting her I am not sure what else you can do. She may not be aware it is annoying you or even care that it is.

You are emphasising that she’s very “talented” socially, but the behaviour you are experiencing from her is quite the opposite. Constantly inserting herself into a conversation in which someone is sharing their own struggles is socially unaware, awkward and insensitive behaviour. Are you sure you are not mistaking extroverted for socially talented/ competent? You can be both extroverted and socially impaired.

Also I think you are being unreasonable about her physical disability. You say she shrugs it off as “just her life”, but it is just her life? Again, bringing it up may not be the most socially aware thing to do (eg another indication of social incompetence) because it makes other people (e.g. you!) feel very uncomfortable, but respectfully , someone shouldn’t have to keep quiet about their experience having a disability to avoid others’ discomfort in having to hear about it .

OT - but what is with the sudden surge in middle aged women getting diagnosed as ASD or ADHD. Or is that just on MN. What on earth is the point? And why? Do you get drugs given to you so you feel different like anti-depressants? Is that the reason? I seriously do not understand.

Absolutely!
We all have to work with people we don’t necessarily get along with. I’m sure I’ve worked with lots of people who found me annoying / frustrating or just plain uninteresting. That’s life.
OP, you’re making far too much of this person’s behaviour than necessary. It’s ok not to like her, it’s ok to find her annoying, it’s even ok to think she’s making up that she’s ND. You’re over invested.