Colleague saying she has ASD/ADHD whenever I mention being ND - how to handle?

[Benchbythesea]

First of all, apologies for length of post - trying to provide enough context so it doesn't come across as goady. Also namechanged for this.

Context - I have a colleague who I have quite a lot of interaction with, eg group meetings and discussions. She is junior to me, but I don't manage her - we're on different teams but we work face to face in an open plan office and our teams collaborate a lot.

I've worked alongside them for a while, and for background I would say she's quite 'needy' - always got a drama of some sort that she will share in the office, sounds genuine but perhaps a little bit unaware that other people might also have similar problems but might not be quite as vocal about it. However she's good at her job, well liked, it's not an issue just something I've noticed (eg not to get too drawn in). I'm also aware that she's got an invisible disability and she does seem to seek attention a bit around this too, eg dropping flippant/casual comments about this and behaving like it's no big deal, eg people making small talk about the weekend and she'll say something like 'oh yeah, Saturday wasn't that exciting, spent it having an emergency blood transfusion but y'know....' which can be a bit of a conversation stopper. However I do understand that having an invisible disability is tough and she may be feel the need to remind people of it, it may not even been a conscious thing.

I have ASD. I am open about this at work, partly because I burned out in my last job pre diagnosis, and because I feel it's helpful when managing staff so we understand each other.

Theres been a few times recently when I've mentioned my ASD, eg in the context of finding something difficult, eg travelling for a large conference. I tend to mention things but keep it light, eg laughing about how presenting to a room of two hundred people didn't bother me at all but I'd prepped for days about how to do the small talk at the lunch after. Most people at work are supportive, and I've signposted a couple for support for suspected or diagnosed ND when they've asked me.

Colleague has made a few comments previously about autism being a superpower/we're all on the spectrum etc, which I haven't challenged as I felt it was intended well even if not something I personally agree with.

More recently when it's come up, she's started saying that she's sure she's autistic and has ADHD. She's not seeking a diagnosis, but she's 'sure'. If I've mentioned an example she tends to respond 'oh yeah me too... And goes on to 'trump' it by adding in an ADHD example (eg something like 'oh god yeah small talk, and that's even if I turn up on time because of my adhd')

Now... I respect that a lot of people are ND and don't seek diagnosis for many reasons. I get that masking is a big deal. I don't 'own' being autistic. I aim to create an environment where people feel confident in sharing their differences. But I just can't help feel that she's doing this to compete/bring attention back to her?

One reason why this bothers me I think - is ASD being a social and communication issue primarily - is it's bloody hard. And this colleague happens to be brilliant (genuinely) at many things which I just struggle to believe could be masked ASD. For example - excellent at networking, already made a name for herself in the company with very senior management due to this, despite being quite junior. Great at banter, very popular, loads of friends. Very active social life, has travelled the world, worked abroad etc etc. And I know there are people with ASD who have done all those things, but it just doesn't feel like she has any struggles re social/communication skills, quite the opposite. And re ADHD - the examples she brings up - being energetic, bored easily etc - really seem to be every day examples. Like being bored in a long, dull meeting. She's organised in work, rarely late, great memory, no issues with multiple tasks, finishes things she starts, plans well etc.

I've tried to just ignore it so far, and where I can avoid any reference to ASD around her, but she's mentioning it more and more. I'm worried that if I say nothing that at some point I'll snap and say something I shouldn't (I can be a bit too direct if my mask slips!) But then I've no right to challenge her if she's sure/she believes she's neurodiverse. Any advice on how to handle this?

It sounds like you want to be able to talk about being autistic but don’t want her to do the same. You have no idea how much effort she puts into networking and being sociable and the attention seeking could be due to adhd. You just sound very judgemental and a bit clueless.

Regardless, sometimes we don’t gel with everyone, but at work you do what you have to to get along and get the work done. I’d keep chat about work mostly as you clearly don’t like her.

I would pull up anyone who talked about superpowers and everyone being on the spectrum, because it’s offensive and wrong.

I don't think OP wants to be able to talk about her neurodiversity but the colleague not to talk about hers.

I think that the colleague doesn't understand/is too self centred /or possibly ND herself & doesn't read the reason behind why OP is mentioning her autism.

OP seems mainly to be referring to it so as to facilitate her working relationships or explain areas where she requires specific accommodation extra signposting, very clear communication etc

The colleague fails to read the reason behind it & thinks it's an opportunity to chime in with her experience of having ND & turns it into a competition & one upping the OP - with the impact of minimising OP's experience & derailing things for OP.

I'd find it really frustrating if someone kept doing this to me in the workplace.

I think the only thing you can do is keep reiterating every time she chimes in or tries to derail your conversation with others the reason for why you're bringing up your disability, why you are specifically making a request from others about an accommodation you require & how you require it from her too. If she continues to derail, subvert or sabotage your efforts in this then I think you may need to mention it to your manager if you have one.

If she has ADHD she may struggle to not interrupt &/or dominate conversations & make them about her. You mention aspects of her impulse control but also of her being reckless & seemingly unaware of the ramifications of this & the impact it will have on others ie them getting very worried about her etc. Such things could be symptomatic of having ADHD. Equally they may not.

I think the problem in many ways is that ND is such an umbrella - that the OP's experience of ND is quite different to that of her colleague).

Whilst it's really irritating I'd try to disengage with her & keep reiterating over her if she butts in. Say to her it's not a competition & bring it back to what you want to discuss.

And if necessary involve management.

Agree with this succinct post!

Op she very well could have both. In fact her adhd could be masking her autistim. I have both and its the hyperactivity of the adhd that makes me organised , chatty and able to mix on a surface level and make connections. It's actually quite common for people with to report that their autism becomes more apparent if they start taking adhd medications.
I think you're being quite unfair to her though. Sure she's annoying you but maybe your talk of your autism is annoying her and others?

It sounds a bit like you're "gatekeeping" if I'm honest

@Benchbythesea, do you have a large changeover of staff at your workplace? I am asking because you seem to be having to talk about your ND a lot. If your office is usually quite static in it's workforce why do you have to keep bringing your ND up? Have they all got terrible memories? Do they keep on treating you in a way that shows that most of - or indeed none of - them have actually understood yet what you need them to do/say to you/or, how they need to treat you, to make your work life really easy for you? Because what I have garnered from your posts so far is that you are needing to speak to people in the same team as you (almost) every day.

If that is true OP, and you daily, or at least very frequently, have to speak to your colleagues about your NV because they are still not getting it right, and that they are still not treating you in a different way to most of their other colleagues, then I think that you may need a different approach to your problem. The easiest thing that I can think of recommending that you could chang is that you have an easily accessible folder in your open plan office, and that you have some laminated typed sheets of paper in it, that explains how your ND affects you, and what that means in reality, and tells them what they can and can't do with regards to how well you can do your job.

Presumably your boss(es) know all about your ND, and they agree that your colleagues need to go out of their way to enable you to do your job efficiently? If you are able to follow my suggestion about having a descriptive and informative folder available to your colleagues, then you should only need to speak about your ND on very few occassions, which will therefore, hopefully mean that your extremely annoying colleague, does not keep on being triggered to talk about her own (perceived?) Neuro Diversity.

Honestly, it sounds like you want one rule for you and one rule for her.

I'm also autistic and I've never felt the need to bring it up to my colleagues in terms of finding certain tasks difficult or easy. That's between me and my manager if necessary - it's nothing to do with anyone else.

Maybe she thinks it's okay to bring it up all the time as she sees you doing the exact same thing.

A few facts ..

autism is actually a triad of impairments, which not everybody is apart of. The claim that everyone is on the spectrum is a common but incorrect assumption which has become a modern fable.

autism and adhd are both comorbid with many other diagnosis - anorexia, pda, odd, anxiety, depression, ocd and so on. This means that any two people with autism are very different, like chalk and cheese. No two the same. you will both have your own individual personal struggles.

Some people with adhd can hyper focus on areas of interest with great creativity, so if interested in her career, your colleague will naturally build connections with motivation.

lastly I know many autistic people and two are just like you describe your colleague. The behaviours that are irritating to you seem the adhd type traits. In her mind she maybe empathising with what it’s like to have difficulties, meanwhile you feel your diagnosis is being undermined. If her intent is kind I would let things go. A good number of people meet the threshold for autism and adhd diagnosis but opt not to get diagnosed due to cost, waiting lists, not wanting a label or treatment, coping well, disorganisation, overwhelm or whatever.

Gosh - all a bit tedious really.

I just want to know what your colleague's life threatening condition is - you've told us everything else about her - so why not go the whole hog?

I'm nosey.

Honestly there aren't many workplaces that couldn't be improved by a bit less chat and a bit more getting on with the work in hand.

Also, if people ask what happened at the weekend she has as every right to answer that with the truth as anyone else.

I'm most of the way through a combined ADHD/autism diagnosis and everyone finds me chatty, sociable, good at networking etc. No one would guess. I've curated things to be within my comfort zone/field of aptitude. Whether she does or doesn't have these things isn't the point imo - yes she might just be an attention seeking so-and-so, yes she might be diagnosable. Though I agree with you that the "oh I'm so ADHD!" chat, when the person could go seek out a diagnosis, is tiresome.

I agree with others - I'd mention your diagnose when you actually need to, but I wouldn't be making jokes or raising it as a talking-point, to her or others.

I don’t think she is doing anything that you are not doing yourself.

Sorry OP, I think you’re being slightly hypocritical. You say that she mentions her disability and makes comments like “spent it having a blood transfusion” but then you make comments saying you’ve spent ages prepping for the lunch after etc because of your disability- I think you’re one in the same tbh which is fine, but you cannot criticise her for being open when you do the same.

When you get assessed for adhd you are automatically assessed for autism at the same time. I have adhd (mostly the inattentive type) and we are well known to miss social cues so have trouble socialising - both because we missed them as children and did not learn them properly and also because we miss them now so find socialising tricky. We also get sensory overload so socialising can be draining.
But with adhd we can also hyperfocus - so with a shot of adrenaline we can be the hostess with the mostess and super networkers - because we technically know how to socialise we just do it consciously rather then subconsciously like neurotypicals.
I could not understand how organising a conference at work was ok for me but no idea how to keep my house tidy. Again I was hyper focusing at work. I was preparing detailed schedules with what needed to happen when - everyone thought I was super organised (including me!) but I was just counterbalancing the fact I needed it all written down and planned in 5 min intervals to avoid disaster.
I agree with other posters - sign post her and move on. Because you have now gotten to the point of assessing her yourself for neurodiversity and you know better than anyone only a professional can do that. She just sounds young and immature

Gosh I think you are getting a hard time here OP. I think from what you’ve written that you’re being open about your disability. In my workplace (uni) we would encourage you to do this in line with diversity. It sounds to me that you do this very appropriately and it’s upsetting to me that people think you should stop doing this or that it’s over sharing. My child has ASD, for context.
I get the nuances you’ve explained as to why your colleague does this differently and why it doesn’t seem to you that she is ND. I understand none of us know whether she does or not…but neither does she and I also am uncomfortable with people claiming a diagnosis they’ve not sought.
I agree with others who suggest maybe responding very neutrally to her or not making your own comments in her presence.

In fact if you mention your disability at work and you are her role model - she might have learnt this strategy from you.

exactly. Maybe you should stop talking about yourself as well. Your colleagues are probably just as bored with your self absorbing behavour

OP, you're giving all of this far too much thought and attention. Do you have any techniques for zoning her out? Putting it plainly, you can't tell her to stop so you just need it to matter less to you. She's young and sounds a bit of a tit. Be the bigger person here.

This!

Why on earth are people bringing this into conversations at work, and then OP you're complaining when she is doing the same as you, you say you mention it in the context of finding things difficult but in a lighthearted way but then moan when she is doing the same

Do people sit round and talk about all their disorders at work?

Get on with your work

She sounds quite a difficult person to work with OP but I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt and gently remind myself “she struggles too” every time I find myself getting irritated by something she says/does. Maybe she has ADHD, maybe she doesn’t. It doesn’t really matter at the end of the day as long as people treat her with the respect she needs for her additional needs. For what it’s worth, my eldest brother has very complex special needs (ie his brain doesn’t function like others, he’s retarded to some extent) and he’s diagnosed himself every condition under the sun over the years. He’s simply too unwell to understand what’s actually wrong with him, he can just tell he’s “different” and is trying to excuse/explain it to people. I am sure this is exceptionally annoying to the community who don’t want to always hear it, but he’s unwell and that’s … well that’s just the cards he was dealt in life.
Keep trying to use the courtesy and compassion you want others to treat you with, I do understand it’s hard. I love and hate my brother in equal measures most days - it’s hard.

Presumably your boss(es) know all about your ND, and they agree that your colleagues need to go out of their way to enable you to do your job efficiently? If you are able to follow my suggestion about having a descriptive and informative folder available to your colleagues, then you should only need to speak about your ND on very few occassions, which will therefore, hopefully mean that your extremely annoying colleague, does not keep on being triggered to talk about her own (perceived?) Neuro Diversity
So colleagues isn't allowed to talk about herself but ops colleagues need to go out of their way for op and get handed a information pack on how to do this?

My ND is only really of interest to me. Everyone needs to stop assuming others want to hear about them. They really really don’t. My ND, my sex life, my thoughts on contentious issues, issues in my childhood, my ancestry, the dream I had last night. All self absorbed stuff to be kept to myself and certainly not discussed in the workplace.

The only time anyone needs to know is if HR need to facilitate the making of a reasonable adjustment and even then only a limited number of people need to know the reason why.

Stop talking about your neurodiversity at work. You may well find that she then does the same since she seems to be taking her cues from you.

This thread must be frustrating. Yes, it’s not impossible she could also be ND but there are also many who make false claims and make assumptions. I think we are going through an unfortunate period where there is a trend for people to “self-ID” into disabilities. There are people who believe they can simply say they are autistic and consider it holds as much weight as if they have a diagnosis. I’ve particularly noticed it among younger people on the internet.

So it must be frustrating for you, however you cannot control what she says and does. You could, in theory, ask her not to say those things and explain why you find it frustrating. The other alternatives are to put up and try to ignore it, or change your own behaviour and stop discussing it when she’s present and hope she stops.

I am diagnosed autism ADHD
The of few people I mentioned it to I was amazed how many came back saying they were sure they had it to ,then list how ,or how everyone is a little bit autistic.or actually worse told me I didn't have it and it was childhood trauma.
So after than I joined a parenting group for autistic parents and I only discuss my diagnosis there .
In fact someone yesterday was saying they had ADHD and i said nothing.
For some reason people think it's a free for all to say what they like .