To think my 14 year old is a narcissist

[Blades2]

So.

Iam a single mum, to two kids (17 and 14) recently the two kids found out that dad has a new woman (he was keeping quiet until he was sure how he felt about her) obviously when they found out they were super shocked as he had said he would tell when and if another woman came along
Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

14 year old demanded he blocked her and had no more to do with her, and has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her(I do lots of things with her like Netflix and concerts and days out doing things she really enjoys but it seems like it’s never enough for her)

she is home schooled and has no friends as she isolates herself - sorry just trying to give entire situation without drip feeding

im so low right now, because of her behaviour, this is the 7th day of it now, I’m already on meds for my mental health and I also have ADHD which is kicking my butt

Not suggesting this child is a narcissist, but it's funny how in MN world there a LOT of narcissists- everyone seems to have a MIL or DM that is. So if there are so many, why are you all so adamant a child can't be one- the adult ones have to come from somewhere?
It’s unlikely they actually are narcissists though

Children can't be diagnosed as a narcissist and most other personality disorders.

It is a diagnosis for adults.

Also many ND people especially women are diagnosed with a personality disorder.

That is such astute post and I think it happens an awful lot, scapegoating one person rather than dealing with the issues.

If she can't be persuaded to continue with an adhd assessment (which are like hen's teeth in Scotland where I assume the OP is) she will never be able to try out medication, which can have a dramatic positive effect. It would be easier and cheaper to do this as a child than decide to as an adult.
She makes a lot of decisions for a young teen - no school, no GP, no assessments. It sounds like she is really struggling but something here needs to change.

It sounds like your poor DD is really struggling with a lot of changes and needs some help.

At 14 aren’t most kids pretty self centred? Very few turn out to be actual narcissists

Bit weird that you find my parenting strange from one comment, her dad and I actually get on very well when we need to be together !

You weren't talking about her dad, you were talking about "you and your man" and how she turns on you both, as if she were some sort of troublemaking adult woman trying to break up you and your mister, as opposed to being... your child.

@SummerFeverVenice
"I know it was her Dad who said to you that DD14 is a narcissist, but why oh why did you say that to her? You had to know it would hurt her feelings."

Please show me where the OP says she repeated this to her daughter.

Honestly, no wonder people get into so many conflicts in their relationships (evidenced multiple times a day on here) when they either don't pay attention or just make shit up!

The "I don't like being told what to code / draw" made me think of PDA.

Seems very likely this poor girl is ND and is struggling with change, hormones, and life in general.

Hi OP
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Right here:
Blades2 · 15/01/2024 13:34
I get that, and I’ve explained it’s her dads words to me, not mine.

OP has explained to her DD14 that her dad called her a narcissist.

See I was paying attention and am not making shit up. Perhaps consider you might have missed something before spending over 2/3rds of your word count banging on about people not paying attention and making shit up.

Yes, imagine people not paying attention and ignoring the facts that are there in front of their eyes....

I do see OP has replied and said they did not. But given her posts at the time replied, it looked to me that she had. Especially too the one about “cleaning up Dad’s mess” which has upset her DD as well.

All teenagers have narcissistic tendencies - a natural part of breaking away from parents. Doesn't make them "narcissists". Your DD is clearly struggling with the dissolution of her family unit and what she perceives as the parental focus on new partners over children. Those are her feelings, not necessarily facts, but her feelings nonetheless. At 14 she's still so young. She needs a lot of love and reassurance. Does she have time alone with you (and your ex, when with him), or are the new partners always around? Perhaps a regular pattern of doing something just you and your DC every weekend - no partner - might help?

I've a 19 year old daughter and looking back on her teenage years I think she would really have loved some one on one time with me regularly. Unfortunately I was so engrossed in work, my marriage (not to her dad) and life, and DD was so difficult to be around, that we just ploughed on. My marriage ended (not my choice) and now DD and I have a lovely relationship, but I will always feel sadness and regret for my little girl, who I could have given much more of myself to during her teenage years.

OP means she's explained to US that these words were said by the father and not by herself - not to her daughter.

My comments stand.

You can do a self referral to CAMHS. I would ASAP as its a long waiting list, and even if you aren't sure she needs it now it's better to have lined up for if things worsen.
I would also look at trying to get her into some clubs like girl guiding or explorer scouts which are primarily social clubs.
I would consider trying a return to school for the social aspect.
And focus on reinforcing that you all love her and that it's normal for teen years to be hard emotionally

Yes, thank you.

i was explaining here that he called her a narcissist to me, not that i had told her, dad says you’re a narcissist!

She sounds like a regular teen who is struggling with the family dynamic