To think my 14 year old is a narcissist

[Blades2]

So.

Iam a single mum, to two kids (17 and 14) recently the two kids found out that dad has a new woman (he was keeping quiet until he was sure how he felt about her) obviously when they found out they were super shocked as he had said he would tell when and if another woman came along
Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

14 year old demanded he blocked her and had no more to do with her, and has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her(I do lots of things with her like Netflix and concerts and days out doing things she really enjoys but it seems like it’s never enough for her)

she is home schooled and has no friends as she isolates herself - sorry just trying to give entire situation without drip feeding

im so low right now, because of her behaviour, this is the 7th day of it now, I’m already on meds for my mental health and I also have ADHD which is kicking my butt

So she's found the magic words that will make you let her have her own way?

Consider that she says this because it gets her what she wants, rather than she says it because she means it. Less scary now, isn't it?

I feel bad for both of you.
I know it was her Dad who said to you that DD14 is a narcissist, but why oh why did you say that to her? You had to know it would hurt her feelings. In future when your ex calls your DC derogatory names, don’t pass that on like you’re rubber stamping it. Have a thought as to how that would make her feel.

I agree DD isn’t helping herself when it comes to being isolated, but I don’t think it is her fault she is isolated either. You need to keep trying to get her some social outlet, is there any interest she has? Try and find something that aligns with something she enjoys, even if it is online through a screen, some socialising is better than none.

Ask her what would help her feel comfortable trying new things. Perhaps she needs you with her at first? or to go and watch before joining in?

I would also look into ASD assessment rather than ADHD because the refusal is more like avoidance or defiance which goes hand in hand with ASD.

Omg your ex is an actual idiot 🤦‍♀️ how dare he be angry at his child in these circumstances. The sheer audacity. Poor kids, both of them.

All 14 year olds are narcissists. The grown ups are supposed to model the better way, demonstrate more emotional majority and not take it personally.

She is a 14 year old whose needs aren’t being met.

my ASD daughter didn’t want to be evaluated, it happened anyway. She didn’t want to go to therapy. I took her there anyway.

when she was in crisis, I changed my schedule and basically made my life revolve around hers.

you have a 14 year old who has mom and dad worrying about dates. If she does have ASD, remember that we can be quite rigid in our thinking. As ASD individuals we often have very strong senses of right and wrong, very strong feelings about injustices, and very strong feelings about relationships. You might just be thinking that mom and dad are divorced and are allowed to have social lives, but to ASD teens, this can actually be a much bigger deal than to a NT teen.

Not sure if I’ve missed it but has she given a reason for not wanting to engage with anyone regarding assessments or her mental health? Is she frightened of being diagnosed or has she had a bad experience in the past? My daughter has recently been diagnosed with ASD but was Previously on the pathway at around 10 (she’s 16 now) and refused to engage back then so I decided to just drop it as she is so bloody strong willed. She decided herself she wanted to try again. I’m glad she did, she needed answers more than anything. But it took a while and a huge dent to mental
health before she’d cooperate.

Does your daughter have plans for her future? Have you talked about how she’s going to reach her goals? Because that sort of conversation can help focus things sometimes.

She sounds like a 14 year old girl who is struggling with lots of big changes in her life.
It's hard enough being that age without dealing with a parent (her dad) who hasn't been honest with her when he promised he would be about a huge thing (in her eyes) such as having a new partner.
I can totally understand why she acted in such a "dramatic" way.
She's been hurt and lied to by her dad. She's now taking it out on you - which unfortunately is what a LOT of teenagers do. Try not to take it personally.
It already sounds like she was struggling before she found out about her dad's new partner (for example, not getting on at 'big' school). And, because she doesn't really have any friends and isn't at school she can't compare notes with peers - many of whom would probably also be able to relate to the challenge of seeing their parents separate and meet new partners.
Poor girl. I really feel for her.
In terms of is she a narcissist? It doesn't sound like it.
Your ex sounds really unpleasant to level such an accusation at his own daughter when he's the one who's let her down.
Right now, she needs you to show her as much love and care as you possibly can - even if the pushes back hard in the most teenage of ways

You and your man, huh.

Bless her, teenage years are hard to navigate at the best of times. She sounds confused at where to direct her feelings. Me and my brother had our parents split up at similar ages, I was kind of chilled about it and able to control my feelings whereas my brother lashed out and isolated himself. Both normal reactions, we are both normal (ish) adults now x

I’m so fed up of the word “ narcissist” being thrown at anyone whose behaviour is inconvenient. It’s like the new grey, that awful decorating trend that got out of control. This is the manual of the American Psychiatric Association’s definition of narcissism:

“A grandiose sense of self-importance
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitive behavior
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes”

I’m 57 years old and I can only think of one person I knew who truly fitted all those criteria.

Exactly this.
Being stuck at home is so bad for children.
They need to be mixing with their peers to learn how to socialise.
She’s probably lonely and isolated.

If her Dad says anything like that again the answer is 'well 50% of DNA is yours'.

14 is a lot different to 17.

A lot of teens can harbour the idea that their parents will get back together.

Sometimes they don't know they are holding that belief until sometime bursts that bubble.

As long as one parent stays 'faithful' and remains alone then that hope stays alive.

As soon as the other parent gets a new partner then that's that dream wrecked and more uncertainty.

Could be what's going on, maybe maybe not.

Also, it's another loss of control for her.

She now has lost the control of her Dad because he's under the control of another person.

She not Daddy's little girl any more.

You are under the control of another person too.

So many people missing the elephant in the room, here.

I have had her at the gp, she has a private therapist and also seen at cahms.
We live in a little town but the activities I have tried to encourage her to, she will do a few times and then refuse for various reasons.
i have lots of one on one time with her, days out, watching films and shows on Netflix, baking together, I bring her to concerts

I absolutely have not repeated her dad’s words to her, I would never do that.

Are you American OP

It's not uncommon, when a child reacts to bad external circumstances, for the adults to decide the problem is merely that the child is insane/mentally ill, and look at fixing the child instead of the circumstances. Because it's the kid who's broken. Everything else is fine.

Is that happening here?

I'm sorry but I disagree , it sounds like u don't know very much about Neurodiversity! It runs in families so if her son and herself is , its very likely her daughter who is struggling is. I'm sure no one chooses to home school unless they have gone through a very difficult time with their child's schooling! No one wakes up and suddenly decides to pull their child out of school to home school! It's very common unfortunately that undiagnosed and diagnosed Neurodiverse children have an incredibly difficult time in a school setting and their parents are at a loss at what to do and home school at last resort due to just complete lack of funding or support from local authorities!

I say this as ive just been diagnosed at 40 with adhd, my daughter was diagnosed autistic at 2 and my other daughter is going through process of adhd and autism assessment. And my husband has just started process too, as I've recently started medication and its changed my life in such a short time! I was struggling at school and my mum tried to get me support but I made a big issue with it and refused and it's my biggest regret, I wished my adhd was spotted at school and got the assessment. But I was against any intervention due to being a stroppy, stubborn teenager! 😣

Not suggesting this child is a narcissist, but it's funny how in MN world there a LOT of narcissists- everyone seems to have a MIL or DM that is. So if there are so many, why are you all so adamant a child can't be one- the adult ones have to come from somewhere?

Well clearly the adults aren't either, it's just a fashionable term for someone who's pissed you off.

@Blades2 I know my ASD DD didn't want to engage initially for diagnosis etc because she was extremely anxious. She did not know what to expect, this was therefore causing her to refuse, so we had to talk through what was happening/going to happen. And that I would be with her if she wanted me there, in the room, with the GP etc.

I also find for some ND children, working with animals helps regulate them. If you can find a place that welcomes groups of children to help look after animals, that may be useful. Think local stables, petting zoos etc

With the activities you take her to now, are these Home Ed setups with other children? Where she will be supported and encouraged to take part?

Sorry, you are quite wrong saying that nobody decides to home educate their child without having gone through some sort of difficulty in school. There are a huge proportion of people who home ed who do it because we think it's a better option than school. The numbers have increased dramatically. Partly due to the number of children with SEN needs not being met, partly due to children being bullied and/or traumatised in school and partly because lots of us think it's preferable to the UK school system and have found home ed to be better, for many reasons.

Yes, I was asked who my support network is, I answered, I just haven’t man as my support, what’s wrong with that?

No, she’s not a narcissist. She’s 14.