To think my 14 year old is a narcissist

[Blades2]

So.

Iam a single mum, to two kids (17 and 14) recently the two kids found out that dad has a new woman (he was keeping quiet until he was sure how he felt about her) obviously when they found out they were super shocked as he had said he would tell when and if another woman came along
Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

14 year old demanded he blocked her and had no more to do with her, and has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her(I do lots of things with her like Netflix and concerts and days out doing things she really enjoys but it seems like it’s never enough for her)

she is home schooled and has no friends as she isolates herself - sorry just trying to give entire situation without drip feeding

im so low right now, because of her behaviour, this is the 7th day of it now, I’m already on meds for my mental health and I also have ADHD which is kicking my butt

Her therapist says this too. But she threatens us with harming herself when it’s suggested , and that is the very very last thing I want for her

It’s tough OP, she will be full of raging hormones too whilst still dealing with an after affect of the divorce. Sorry op, doesn’t make you a shit mum or your daughter a narcissist. Her initial reaction was bad but I’d take the bait and try have a private conversation about how she’s feeling and what she feels can be done to help support this new change both at home with you and with her dad. If that means she isn’t ready to meet the new woman just yet, then that should be ok by both of you. I was a horrible teen, especially to my mum (also struggled with parents divorcing). Before you jump to the conclusion she’s narcissistic, try to offer her help and support, it sounds like she needs it. How did your 17 year old react?

Jesus wept. A 14yo girl with divorced parents who are re-partnering. Narcissist? No, think again.

She is homeschooled and has no friends with divorced (?) parents. It sounds like she has nothing going on BUT to focus on you and her dads relationships and where that leaves her. Is there any hobby of passion you can invest in for her? Give her another outlet for her energy or even a distraction

My 17 year old has reacted very well, and he has autism, so I thought it would be the other way around.
he accepts dad is allowed to move on as I was allowed, he’s just a bit hurt dad didn’t say he had met someone (and I don’t know if you know much about autism but his world is quite black and white)

If your son has ASD, is there a chance your daughter has as well? It did spring to mind, especially with the school refusal but didn’t want other posters jumping on more internet diagnosis.

Exactly.

'turned on me and my man' feels so wrong to me.

Be honest. She said you never choose her, you told us you do fun things with her sometimes, but you never actually said you do choose her. Did you choose having a new partner ('my man') over giving your young daughter the time and support she needed to recover from the divorce? Is she truly incorrect that you don't choose her?

And boys tend to idolise their fathers and the male privileges their dads bestow…

there’s a huge gap between 14 and 17 in terms of maturity, hormones, experiences too

sounds like you want to reject your daughter?

My son is autistic too OP, but he’s significantly younger. 100% get what your saying (especially as it could and will interrupt his daily life with dad). You are on the ball with that. Honestly she might be scared a new woman will try replace mums roll and that’s why she’s lashing out. Teens can be ruthless. I think she definitely needs extra support at home to use her words more appropriately instead of reacting in anger.

She sounds 14 with a difficult home life

The ‘me and my man’ sounds like you’re a team with your partner and your daughter is on the outside. Strange parenting to say the least.

Sounds like in typical ADHD fashion, she doesn't want to try things in case she fails it doesn't get it right.

Also sounds like she's really struggling with the fact that now dad has a new partner, you are definitely and absolutely never getting back together again, and she can't cope with that finality. She's checking that she's still your priority and is feeling insecure and vulnerable.

Getting her to engage with stuff is difficult. ADDitude website might be a pointer for her to read herself. Just stay open to any communication with her.

I’ve read back properly on your responses. Is your daughter potentially ASD as well? Just with some of her behaviours you’re explaining. (The no friends too. Possibly struggling socially) I know girls tend to mask better than boys.

Jesus wept. Your child needs parents, positive relationships, a purpose, understanding, compassion, empathy. Not criticism or judgement, not parents with pole vaulting level jumping to conclusions (all teens are a little narcissistic, it is a developmental stage as part of becoming independent, they are not however all narcissists - which incidentally is largely caused by environmental factors anyway).

Btw she sounds like she might be autistic too.

I also think this is worth thinking about. Obviously girls can present very differently to boys and it is common for them to struggle once they start “big school” as it is so fast paced, especially socially.

In this scenario yabu.

Although narcissists can't be diagnosed until adulthood, It does form in early childhood so I'm quite prepared to admit children can be narcissists and not just 'narcissistic as all children can be because of age'.

But in this case, it seems you have a normal teenager who is clearly hurting. Probably because she feels replaced in her dad's affections by another woman. And is hurt so lashing out. It's perfectly normal.

Bit harsh on his part, she sounds emotionally/socially immature possibly due to being homeschooled or as I'm sure you are aware adhd is genetic (fellow adhd mum here with 3 sen children all 3 asd, one also adhd diagnosed in teens, one definitely showing symptoms but currently only 7 3rd way to little to tell), whatever her situation she's lashing out because of insecurity lack of control or being number 1, as an adhd teen I just wanted reassurance all the time it's a difficult age for even nt kids

I think she does also have asd, but she has seen her brother go through the assessment and she is refusing to engage in one too.

This.

They are 14, upset, insecure and lashing out.

Thank you

i know she’s not a narcissist and just a confused lonely upset teen,
im just really struggling this last week cleaning dads mess up and now having it turned on me is heartbreaking

Almost certainly she is feeling rejected because of her father's new partner.

This is normal for teens in a divorce situation and does not mean she is a narcissist.

Given there are obvious other issues here, I'd suggest trying to get some support for you. Parenting a teen with mental health issues is very tricky.

What support is available locally? You say you are not in England.

No of course not. She’s an hormonal teenager who is hurting. And of course she’s no mates & won’t be told what to do as she doesn’t go to school where vast majority of friendships form, social skills develop with peers, discipline is taught, respect for authority and rules are taught. I appreciate she struggled but I think it’s more damaging not to go to school imo.

I just have my current partner.
i moved countries to be with their dad and after we broke up obviously with the kids I didn’t feel I should bring them back to my home country.

She;s not a narcissist, she's neurodiverse and struggling. You can't force her to get assessed though.

If anyone's a narcissist here it's your ex! What an arsehole saying that about your dd. I really hope he isn't saying it to her.

Well actually, I think most children are narcissists. And in fact, the trick as parents is to help them to grow and develop.

If you read about narcissists, a common theme is that they have a very childlike way of thinking - their behaviour and their thinking has been arrested at the level of a child and this is what drives them. They cannot empathise with other people and they struggle to see different sides of the story. They also truly believe the things they believe, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Of course, by 14, your DD should be coming out of this and evolving and maturing. And the fact that she's not is, as you can clearly see, concerning. I am afraid I don't have an answer. I would be continuing to push for support but I'd also look at getting her back into school, or, if you can't do that, see about engaging with some home school co-operatives or classrooms to get her out of the very two dimensional experience she's currently living.

I'm also a BIG believer in reading if you can get her to do that - wide ranging reading is really helpful to show children the world outside of theirs. At a push, ironically, teen-focused tv series can have a similar effect if they're the sort of warm, fuzzy - good guys do their best kind of show, but preferably with some nuance. Buffy the vampire slayer was a good example back in the day.