To think my 14 year old is a narcissist

[Blades2]

So.

Iam a single mum, to two kids (17 and 14) recently the two kids found out that dad has a new woman (he was keeping quiet until he was sure how he felt about her) obviously when they found out they were super shocked as he had said he would tell when and if another woman came along
Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

14 year old demanded he blocked her and had no more to do with her, and has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her(I do lots of things with her like Netflix and concerts and days out doing things she really enjoys but it seems like it’s never enough for her)

she is home schooled and has no friends as she isolates herself - sorry just trying to give entire situation without drip feeding

im so low right now, because of her behaviour, this is the 7th day of it now, I’m already on meds for my mental health and I also have ADHD which is kicking my butt

She sounds like she's hugely struggling, both parents have divorced and introduced new people into her life without her having any control over that, she's being sent to CAMHS, sent for assessment etc isn't coping with school and now her parents want to stick her with a very pejorative label. I think it's ridiculous that parents think they can break up their home, introduce new adults into their child's lives and homes and expect children to just take it in their stride.

What's your relationship like with her, what time to you spend with her not doing school work or task related stuff, just hanging out? Do you talk to her when things are going OK, ask how life is for her, how she feels about the multiple changes in her household? What choices does she have about her home life? In her shoes, I could see that refusing therapy, school, assessment might be the bit of control she has over what happens to her. If you suspect she has ADHD or autism, how have you adjusted your parenting to support that - she doesn't need a diagnosis necessarily particularly if assessment is going to cause her more stress than she already has. She needs time with you, her confidence building, strengthening her self esteem. At the moment she knows she can control you by threatening to hurt herself - which is a pretty extreme level of distress. What happens if you give her more control day to day.

Oh, and also, her dad should have been more upfront about the way he handled the new relationship. I think it's 100% okay to tell her you think he handled it badly, but that doesn't mean that she can behave equally badly.

This

I'm sorry but a narcissist would never have no friends. That's just not how it works.

Sounds like she's going through the difficult teenage years.

Her world is tiny and in her eyes it is imploding. Can any assessment services offer you support to help work towards an assessment?

FFS

I agree with you

Its so tedious

Actually it is. Covert narcissists especially can have fewer friendships, appear to be introvert, self effacing, socially awkward etc. They get the bulk of their supply from people who are close to them - usually immediate family and partner.

Not that I'm saying this is a reason to cal the OP's dd a narcissist, I'm just saying!

She's not a narcissist. She's a child in pain because her stability has been removed from under her. I'm not blaming you, but that's just the reality. She was probably hoping you'd get back together.

Your ex is an arse to speak about her in that way. What kind of a relationship do they have? (Or did they have before this)

Your DD isn't a narcissist.

Unfortunately teens are nosey so will dig to find out their parents secrets.

Her dad needs to speak to her, apologise and simply explain why he hasn't told her about his fledgling relationship e.g. the relationship may not last so he doesn't want her or her brother getting attached to who he is dating.

You also need to get help for your DD. What are you trying? Everything posters have suggested you have said no to.

Honestly. You sound like the narcissist.

Your daughter sounds like an emotional 14 year old.

What a terrible thing to say about your child.

She may well be narcissistic, most 14 year olds are, but that's a very different thing to being "a narcissist". This is a very extreme an inappropriate reaction to her father choosing to enter into a relationship and I can understand why he's annoyed. It sounds like she's having a lot of problems right now and needs some help. Dad needs to stop throwing around catastrophic diagnoses, and I think both of you need to put up a united front re things that are for her to decide and things that are not for her to decide, and put up some boundaries regarding how she speaks to both of you.

She’s not a narcissist but her circumstances - teenager, no school, no friends, no hobbies outside the house, neurodiverse has resulted in this reaction.

I’ve no advice except that she’s turned on you to be fair. She can’t be angry at dad but accept your partner because that’s hypocritical (and possibly against her “code” because she is neurodiverse) Life is clearly difficult for her and her dad should have behaved better than call her names.

FWIW you don’t specify what seeing someone means. If he’s dating someone and it’s early days, I think he’s being sensible not discussing with the children. Hearing and meeting girlfriends who aren’t serious is going to have negative consequences on your children like anxiety. If your son has ever dated someone and not told you or his dad then he’ll understand the privacy aspect.
If seeing means a longer term thing where they working towards moving in together or something then he should have said something - even if he downplayed how serious it was and gradually told them the whole truth.

The very fact that you say she's 'home schooled' tells me that you haven't engaged properly with the home ed community (unless of course she is still registered at a school) Regardless, reaching out and joining that community will make a massive amount of difference. I've known lots of kids in a similar mindset of your daughter, isolated, unmotivated, angry, anxious and confused, who go onto make great progress. The act of making friends with similar circumstances, is enough to bring them out of their shells.
When you are in charge of their education, you really have to take the social aspect seriously. You have to facilitate socialising and keep trying until they make friends. The isolation is damaging to her, obviously. She's not narcissistic. She's a lonely, confused teenager, who is also possibly ASD. Either way, connecting with her peers is as vital as being connected to you.

They have a very difficult relationship, as does my son with him.

She sounds like my autistic daughter - if she is refusing to engage socially have you considered autism? Black and white thinking can appear as lack of empathy - it's actually much more complex.

She is hurt and feeling anxious at the change - if she has nothing beyond the home then this is scary for her.

has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her

I think she is telling you what she can’t tell her dad. Are there times where someone else (her brother, you, work, friends, family…) were chosen over her?

Our eldest, caught them, in a compromising position at 2am, after making too much noise,
he then ran off upstairs and filled little sister in. 🤦‍♀️

Btw OP - the situation you are in - parenting neurodiverse child who is struggling with their MH - is very very draining on you. I've been there - but you have to unfortunately put your issues aside to try and help her with hers

Do you have connections to other parents of ND kids in your community? It's common for neurodiverse children to fall out of school like this - there will be other families near you in a similar position

for me- having people to talk to to try and support my child better has been a lifeline.

Ffs no wonder she’s kicked off.

Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

Only met one person in 40 years who I thought might be - DH ex boss - so I think it very unlikely.

Given her brother has ASD and you have ADHD - very likely she is ND - and is really struggling.

I think she needs more support - and you need to work on her being less isolated.

I'd be looking at things that calm her down - DS when he was younger it was being outside with trees round to calm down - DD1 our cats helped a lot.

I'd still have boundaries about how she talks to you and your DP - maybe do some reading if you haven;t already on parenting teens with ADHD or ASD - see if there are new strategies you can use with her.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/ADHD-Parenting-Guide-Girls-Appropriately/dp/1958350125/ref=pd_bxgy_d_sccl_2/258-8938266-0305849?pd_rd_w=XHFlz&content-id=amzn1.sym.40f919ed-e530-4b1a-8d7e-39de6587208d&pf_rd_p=40f919ed-e530-4b1a-8d7e-39de6587208d&pf_rd_r=Q3SH3ZT3M4M6R3MN47B1&pd_rd_wg=pugsY&pd_rd_r=cd02dc72-969c-4e79-8a24-b62e8ebe39ba&pd_rd_i=1958350125&psc=1

I’ve brought her to go, our usual gp is off until summer but there’s another very nice understanding gp at the practice that I go to, but dd just refuses,to be seen.
i also have her in a private therapist and attending cahms.

Why are you trying to get her to be assessed for adhd? When she doesn't want it I mean? Sorry to offend but you seem a bit keen for the kids to be nurodiverse. Homeschooled, trying to get them assessed..something feels wrong.

@Blades2

She is not a Narastistic,

that word is like it's one of the " in fashionable 🔥hot topic word currently about,
bandied about like it could 🤣 go out of fashion anytime soon,

She sounds very much a hormonal teenager struggling to come to terms with so much happening in her life and she has got no say whatsoever in it,

and also struggling with the transitional stage of navatigating being a teenager no longer a child but not an adult yet,
with everything that entails too,

You need to find some common ground activities you can do together mother and daughter quality time sometimes like going to a cafe and having a chat and a bite to eat type of thing ect,

Also have you got enough support family friends and other support systems such as organisations charties too?

as much as possible

Look into doing hobbies interests for yourself and at the same time encourage her too do exactly the same,

Just wondering 🤔 could she do volunteering work too in a fields of interests whatever that could be?,
to get structure build her cofindence up make new friends discover new interests ect

also be useful foundation later on workwise

Also is she old enough for a Saturday type of job such as in a shop or market stall ect then?

extra money for herself

What interests has she got or has it in the past?