To think my 14 year old is a narcissist

[Blades2]

So.

Iam a single mum, to two kids (17 and 14) recently the two kids found out that dad has a new woman (he was keeping quiet until he was sure how he felt about her) obviously when they found out they were super shocked as he had said he would tell when and if another woman came along
Dad is very upset by her behaviour and calling her a narcissist to me.

14 year old demanded he blocked her and had no more to do with her, and has now turned on me and my man, lashing out and telling me I love him more, I never choose her(I do lots of things with her like Netflix and concerts and days out doing things she really enjoys but it seems like it’s never enough for her)

she is home schooled and has no friends as she isolates herself - sorry just trying to give entire situation without drip feeding

im so low right now, because of her behaviour, this is the 7th day of it now, I’m already on meds for my mental health and I also have ADHD which is kicking my butt

Nothing in that description points to a narcissist. I think you might need to look inwardly at how you actually treat her or behave around her because she’s clearly acting out for some reason. It’s shocking how many parents are so oblivious to how the way they parent can affect a child.

The first thing that jumps out at me is that she is refusing to attend a lot of appointments for her mental health that she needs to go to. I think that this and her assessment should be prioritised and that you should explore all options to make her go. Perhaps they could call her and explain the importance of it, for getting her help to make life easier. Perhaps they could visit her at home so she has little opportunity not to attend. I would be going in with different techniques to see what works.

Secondly, she is obviously feeling very insecure now and you are in the firing line. Which means that she trusts you enough to express herself in front of you. It's really hard not to get really worried when a child is stressed and then internalise that stress which makes things worse. She almost certainly needs reassurance, nurturing and hugs. I would absolutely spent a lot of time with her right now as she navigates this really difficult time. She's probably also testing you to see if you will walk out like her dad did if she keeps pushing. Also, be firm. Boundaries represent safety. Good luck.

Well he wasn't very discrete or sensible then - and I think many teenagers would be upset/embarrassed by such a situation.

I think you just need to say that -to her - her Dad didn't handle it well and you understand she is upset - and then focus on her behaviour at home with you.

Because I’ve been told by the school that if she goes on to college which she wants to do, she will need one for them to put things in place for her ?

Yikes
Is it a casual or serious relationship though? If it’s casual (she came round for sex because the kids were asleep) then I can see why he didn’t want to tell the kids.
If they knew that dad was having sex downstairs, would that make them less likely to go to sleep because they wouldn’t want a stranger in the house ?
I know that he should have waited until the kids were back with you but I’ve read posts on here where mums have their bf pop round after the kids go to bed.

I assume this has been suggested before, but have you looked into how autism typically presents in girls? Very different from the male stereotype.
I'm not suggesting that because of the recent upset about her parents, but because of finding it hard to blend in with teenage peers. As you mention you are neurodivergent it is likely she is aswell in one or more ways. Good luck with everything.

He is saying that he likes the woman and she feels the same. so I’m guessing it will be a fairly serious thing

How is a home-schooled child supposed to NOT be isolated?

My dd and I do lots together, concerts, trips away, days out together to big cities.

To be honest, posts like this give home education a bad name.
A typical week in home education in my area (which isn't unusual) involves that many group classes, activities, workshops and opportunities to socialise, that it's unusual for the children to be isolated. We could literally be out and about in the world socialising with other children and adults all day, everyday if that's what we wanted.

I suppose her parents are her life and she doesn't appreciate the idea that they have lives outside of her.
Can you work on getting her to socialise?

🤣 quite!

Have you had a conversation and asked why she thinks he can demand her dad dumps his GF? It's an extreme reaction.

Please ignore the person questioning why you are seeking a diagnosis for your child. This is just laughably ignorant.

It's very difficult to get through the autism pathway process - and so hard if she won't go along with it - I would really try and find support groups for ND families - they will have gone through all this.

Is there a local support group for parents of ND children??? In my town there are a couple - and they have coffee mornings etc/ helpline for quesitons on the pathway.

@Blades2

I can see why your ex is your ex

As he sounds like an Arsehole to me,

saying that about his daughter,

I wonder 🤔 if he is an Narastistic then?

Wouldn't susprise me,
What a nasty Prick 😳 he sounds like too

I'm 50 ,I got my autism diagnosis last year..
That's 50 years of fuck ups and not understanding myself or how I tick.
You really really need to get her on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD and autism.
With an EHCP you could be looking at a fantastic special school ,or other help available... actually I think I read your not in UK ...so maybe different things available.
Honestly if I'd known I had autism and adhd at a young age ,I'd of done things fo differently,I spent 30 years on every possible medication doctor trying one thing after another and nothing worked ..now I have limited memory.
You / we ,we can't help each other or ourselves,if we don't know what we are dealing with

I always thought there was something rather narcissistic about homeschooling...

There are home-school networks and social groups outside school - many who home-school uses these.

I suspect OP DD won't want to though - though perhaps there is a youth service she may engaged with.

If she wants to go to college - I'd be getting in touch now - see what they can do to accommodate her and what she'd need to do to get in. College has been better for my older two - much less noisy and less confusing rules - also something else to focus on.

My dd and I do lots together, concerts, trips away, days out together to big cities.

What’s the day to day like? If she isn’t at school how is her daily routine, how involved are you with her - how does she spend her down time?

I think there needs to be a clear conversation with her dad about how badly he’s fucked this up - expecting her to smile and nod her way through when he’s brought someone home and been caught having sex after telling his kids he would tell them if he was seeing someone is pretty unreasonable. He needs to look at himself instead of labelling his daughter.

People need to stop calling people narcissists for no damn reason!

She's young and her parents are going through a divorce you can't expect her to act perfectly. Not an excuse for bad behaviour but it also doesn't mean she's a narcissist.

A lot of SEN children families do get forced into home schooling as they just can't cope in their local schools - so more desperate.

There are these days on-line schools - so you can get access to professional teachers at home for a price.

Please ignore the person questioning why you are seeking a diagnosis for your child. This is just laughably ignorant.

Her daughter doesn’t want an assessment/diagnosis and at 14 in Scotland (where I presume the OP is based) she’s considered old enough to refuse. Forcing her through that process - or trying to - isn’t going to help anything.

If its narcissistic, to not want to send your children to the local schools, which are under special measures and/or are rife with bullying and are quite frankly shit. And the children don't want to go there themselves. Then yes, that's classic narcissism.

Poor girl. It’s hard enough being 14 and on top of that, she’s lonely, isolated and apparently depressed. And instead of trying to help her work through it all her parents are calling her a narcissist which is just hurtful and helps no one.

Her dad needs to keep trying with her- write a letter or an email or something explaining why he did what he did regarding his new partner and give her time to come around. It’s his job as the adult to do the leg work here. Frankly he needs to grow up and stop throwing around words like narcissist when he clearly has no clue what he’s talking about.