Dating new person

[Kolbie]

Hello,
Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her.
He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side.
Should I continue with him?

That’s very off-putting. I’d feel like you and would probably steer clear. Always good to know both sides of the story. He doesn’t sound open to communication if he can’t sympathise with that. And potentially he’s just lying and knows you’ll dump him if you know the truth.

I think your request to have her verify his story is very strange.
If I had a new boyfriend that wanted to speak to my ex I would bin him straight away !

Absolutely this.

I swear mumsnet gets weirder every day.

You want some random bloke you recently started dating to authorise and set up a meeting between you and his ex so you can checkout her stories about him? Really?

If you don’t trust him then just date someone else. Imagine if he did that to you!

Not sure what I'd think if a new boyfriend wanted to speak to my ex to know why we broke up - the ex could say anything! Bit odd on your part IMO.

If I had a new partner who wanted to talk to an ex then I'd honestly probably not continue with the potential relationship. And apart from my kids dad I have no way of contacting any ex's either so what would happen in that position?

If this is a thing with dating now I'm glad I'm happily married.

Same.

I’ve seen some wierd threads on here and this one is right up there.

It’s very much NOT a thing out there ———> in the real world.

Just here on mumsnet.

I get it's odd but I like him it's just I am worried he was violent with her as he has mentioned she left bruises on him. Did he really not respond? He said he didn't but how does one believe that?
If he spoke to an ex of mine there would be no accusations of violence for me to be worried about.

New relationship and he has shared that his ex was a violent addict??? Id say move on.

how many times have you been out with him?

it's a v unusual set of circumstances he is presenting with

So she was a violent gambling addict therefore he’s violent too?

Fuck me.

If you think he’s lying or violent, just move on. How is interviewing his violent gambling addict ex going to make you feel any better?

@ArnieLinson Yes it has been quite intense, long phonecalls, been out maybe 7 times - I asked him what led to breakup of previous long-term relationship so he was answering me I guess

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife there is info I can't share about outside agencies getting involved with young children so it just all makes me QUESTION not assume whether he is violent

Well @GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife I just don't know if she is violent I guess as we haven't heard her side?

Wow! I actually can't believe you asked to 'verify' his story! You'll be asking for references next...and a DBS 😨

People just don't do this in reality OP (I'm not saying 'trust him'...we all need to be vigilant of course in any new relationship) but you need to do your own 'sleuthing' not ask him to set up some sort of pow-wow!

@OldBeyondMyYears yes fair enough should have done it privately

If you are questioning whether a man you ‘recently began dating’ is violent due to ‘information’ then you need to stop dating him, not quizzing his exes.

And who cares if she was violent? Neither of you are dating her so it’s not your business.

No I'm not interested in whether she was violent I'm interested if he is

He'll likely dump you anyway so your paranoia won't be an issue

Don't be ridiculous. This request makes you look unhinged, honestly, and contacting that woman in any form is pure harassment. If you're that concerned he's lying, you shouldn't be dating him at all.

Fair points.

Spot on. Couldn't have put it better!

Have you been in a violent relationship before? Is your gut telling you this is a violent man so you want confirmation from someone else before you get any more involved?

Did he really not respond?

So he's revealed to you that he's been a victim of domestic violence and this is how little you think of him. I think you should probably move on.