Dating new person

[Kolbie]

Hello,
Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her.
He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side.
Should I continue with him?

Clearly, I should have added sarcasm tags.

Yes.

You should. It wasn't clear to me, anyway.

That's not necessarily true. There was a recent story on the BBC about family courts where the court sent a child to go live with their child-rapist dad. The courts don't always make good decisions. Neither do social services which have a very high threshold before they will remove a child from their permanent residence.

I’d be inclined to think he was projecting. The ones with crazy exes are usually the crazy ones.

My XP told me his ex had come at him with a knife and the police had been called.

Guess who ended up having to call the police because he was kicking off refusing to leave my house and breaking my stuff?

Even if it was her, if she’s the mother of his children it will be endless grief, so just get out and find someone without the dramatic baggage.

Children living with mum, outside agencies housed them as he said she made false allegations of feeling unsafe around him

At the very least it doesn't sound like they ended on good terms so why on earth would he want to make contact with her again?

And if what he's saying is correct, she doesn't sound the most mentally sound so there is no way of knowing you'd even get the truth from her..she could be bitter about the break up and lie to ruin his new relationship.

Honestly, it would be a massive red flag for me if I told my new partner about suffering abuse and they asked me to put myself through contacting that person again to verify what happened. It would show a complete lack of care for my wellbeing.

That's what I'm worried about but I accept I didn't go about it the right way.
Sorry to hear that happened to you, that's awful.
I guess I want/wanted to believe him but either way as many of you say it's a lot of issues yo have to contend with potentially

Yes fair point I accept I was wrong to ask this.

I will apologise to him for this request but probably try to untangle myself from what feels like a big mess really.

Just stop seeing him and swerve this mess. It's not hard.

This is unbelievably weird. No way anyone would want to set up a 'date' with their new partner and 'ex'! If someone I was dating asked for this I'd tell them to do one.

If you don't believe or trust him, then you have to end it. But do you really think you would get an honest answer from his ex? Weird!

Red Flags:
Very intense, very quick relationship
Crazy Ex
Authorities involved with kids

Maybe it was all her but most likely it was at least a mix and he is partly to blame. Hard swerve on this one.

In contrast my DP has an alcoholic ex. He didn't go into her issues at the start of our relationship and speaks about her now in a balanced way - the good bits, their early relationship, how sad he is that she couldn't ditch the alcohol. He doesn't call her crazy even if some of her behavior when drunk was pretty unpleasant.

Request to speak with ex is strange and not a done thing really. But what stands out here to me is that he makes it sound like breakdown in relationship was purely down to her, it rarely is thay way. I was with someone for 2 years who was keen to tell me early on his ex was violent and generally presented himself as a completely innocent party in his at least 2 past broken down relationships. But then i also found out he was hiding certain facts from me and his story didn’t add up. Whilst he was a good person, he carried on with his stories for a year and after i found out we broke up. Got back together but eventually that didn’t work out because if you can hide things for so long, there is no guarrantee whatever they say is true. Trust was gone and it didn’t work for me.

No that wasn't my request, of course they wouldn't.

He does say great things about her also to be fair bit given the extreme other stuff it's all a bit weird.

For example will say ex was v aggressive and violent, a liar due to addiction but then will say is an amazing person. The extreme descriptions either way for me are not adding up.

Unless he is speaking like that due to trauma.

I get whats happening here, you are suspicious of the one sided victim statement that he made about his ex, and so you should. I would stay far away from any man or woman who painted their ex's in a bad light, because it says to me, if things don't work out with you both, he might do the same.

I think the request might be too soon, but probe more and ask more questions. Does he say anything positive? I mean at the end of the day, it was also HIS choice to stay in that relationship right? So wheres that accountability instead of this is what was wrong with them type statement.

Yellow/red flag.

Yes he says very positive things about her also which I thought was more balanced, I wasn't sure then if him speaking of her being amazing despite all of the alleged violence was due to trauma or whether his story isn't entirely true and her allegedly feeling unsafe with him is true - he said she made that up.

I understand your concern. Did he say all her violence was due to her trauma? He could also be talking from his own perspective, and still harbour some feelings of resentment and hurt. Also, I doubt he is a psychologist, which would make me question, just on face value, how he might have contributed to said violence from trauma. There are always two sides.

But, if you are only dating very early on, it's concerning, there is still blame form his side. I would wait a very long time for a relationship to establish before I would divulged such deep and personal information such as that.

Lol, this sounds like the equivalent of asking for references.

Run, guy, run!!!

Run from this man.

Do yourself a favour and block him.

You don't get put at the top of the social housing register without proof.

I'd bet my house that she was told by SS to get rid of him and that there are police reports galore from their old address.

This. Completely agree.

To be fair l can kind of see where your coming from.
I think far too many women swallow the crazy ex story at huge expense to themselves. At least your not that naive.
There's usually 3 sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth.
If in doubt l would walk away and save yourself a lot of distress further on down the line.
It's a well known fact many victims of abuse end up in other abusive relationships, so it's good that you are aware of potential red flags and paying attention to your gut instinct.
I would also add a note of caution that if he invited you to meet the ex, or to speak to her on the phone, she might not be who she claims to be. This does in fact happen.