Page 2 | Dating new person

Kolbie · 2024-01-14T22:25:16+00:00

Hello, Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her. He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side. Should I continue with him?

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 23:03

‘Quite intense’ is a red falg in itself.

something about him and his conversation has you on edge. You cannot expect to ask his ex anything, but pay more attention to him.

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 23:03

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 22:53

No I'm not interested in whether she was violent I'm interested if he is

Hi OP Did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?

You need to click on the three dots and select QUOTE.
Otherwise the thread can become difficult to follow.

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:05

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 23:03

Hi OP Did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?

You need to click on the three dots and select QUOTE.
Otherwise the thread can become difficult to follow.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 23:05

It sounds like there is something really dysfunctional going on, OP.

I'd be suspicious but if you think he might have been violent, you should ask the police. I mean for a Clare's Law disclosure.

Wanna17 · 14/01/2024 23:06

This is a tad 🐰👩‍🍳🥘

Imagine if he asked to speak to your ex?

If you don't trust him so much you want to verify what he's told you, then I'd suggest folllwing your gut and ending things with him, then maybe invest in a therapist before the next one!

Good luck!

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:07

Thank you all for your advice, yes I was with someone previously who was violent so I am more sensitive to the matter unfortunately .
Doesn't mean he is I know that.

I appreciate all your advice.

OP posts:

Wanna17 · 14/01/2024 23:07

oneflewoverthe · 14/01/2024 22:53

He'll likely dump you anyway so your paranoia won't be an issue

This would probably be best for them both I think! 😬

fatherliamdeliverance · 14/01/2024 23:07

Ok, the 'outside agency,' and kids bit is a drip feed. The police or SS have been involved and you don't know whether he was fully in the right or an aggressor too.

Honestly? I'd stay away as it all sounds a bloody mess. You can't verify his behaviour via her. It's not a thing to contact people's exes in this way for one thing, who's to say they would be honest?

You have to make a decision about him yourself. I'm not sure whether Claire's law could apply here? Have you googled him to see whether anything comes up in the local courts?

If you're in this position to be honest I would cut your losses.

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:08

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 23:05

It sounds like there is something really dysfunctional going on, OP.

I'd be suspicious but if you think he might have been violent, you should ask the police. I mean for a Clare's Law disclosure.

Edited

Thank you so much I will do that.

OP posts:

Guavafish1 · 14/01/2024 23:09

I think its better to be safe.

Men lie a lot! I don't see any harm confirming this with a 3rd party. If true,it would bd straight.

He sounds like hard work.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 23:10

If I had a violent ex and a new boyfriend wanted to speak to him to 'verify' my 'story', I'd tell him to get to straight fuck.

I'm not sure who you think you are OP, or why you feel this sense of entitlement.

And anyway if she is a violent addict and he didn't touch her, do you honestly think she's going to say that, or do you think she might be a tad shit-stirry and lie?

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2024 23:11

I would always be suspicious of the “psycho ex” story. I think you are feeling your spidey senses tingling, and want some way of being sure. Asking him to set it up is maybe not the best plan, though. Do you have any mutual friends you could discreetly ask?

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:12

Wanna17 · 14/01/2024 23:06

This is a tad 🐰👩‍🍳🥘

Imagine if he asked to speak to your ex?

If you don't trust him so much you want to verify what he's told you, then I'd suggest folllwing your gut and ending things with him, then maybe invest in a therapist before the next one!

Good luck!

He did say that and yes it would be embarrassing of course but I have nothing big to hide if that makes sense.
When I asked him whether she would say he was violent he said 'I'm not sure what she would say but she is manipulative and a liar like all addicts' he then repeated that she was aggressive and violent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:14

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2024 23:11

I would always be suspicious of the “psycho ex” story. I think you are feeling your spidey senses tingling, and want some way of being sure. Asking him to set it up is maybe not the best plan, though. Do you have any mutual friends you could discreetly ask?

Yes could arrange this - thank you for advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:15

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 23:10

If I had a violent ex and a new boyfriend wanted to speak to him to 'verify' my 'story', I'd tell him to get to straight fuck.

I'm not sure who you think you are OP, or why you feel this sense of entitlement.

And anyway if she is a violent addict and he didn't touch her, do you honestly think she's going to say that, or do you think she might be a tad shit-stirry and lie?

Edited

Yes you are right

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 14/01/2024 23:15

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:12

He did say that and yes it would be embarrassing of course but I have nothing big to hide if that makes sense.
When I asked him whether she would say he was violent he said 'I'm not sure what she would say but she is manipulative and a liar like all addicts' he then repeated that she was aggressive and violent.

Show quote history

That sounds dodgy as fuck.

The "crazy ex" trope is usually used by men who have something to hide.

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:16

Guavafish1 · 14/01/2024 23:09

I think its better to be safe.

Men lie a lot! I don't see any harm confirming this with a 3rd party. If true,it would bd straight.

He sounds like hard work.

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:18

fatherliamdeliverance · 14/01/2024 23:07

Ok, the 'outside agency,' and kids bit is a drip feed. The police or SS have been involved and you don't know whether he was fully in the right or an aggressor too.

Honestly? I'd stay away as it all sounds a bloody mess. You can't verify his behaviour via her. It's not a thing to contact people's exes in this way for one thing, who's to say they would be honest?

You have to make a decision about him yourself. I'm not sure whether Claire's law could apply here? Have you googled him to see whether anything comes up in the local courts?

If you're in this position to be honest I would cut your losses.

Yes have googled and nothing coming up but will look again, also at Claire's law

OP posts:

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:20

He's also v complimentary about ex says she is an amazing woman, loved her more than children so something not adding up for me. Of course love is complex but there are two extremes presented

OP posts:

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 14/01/2024 23:22

You’ve met him 7 times and you’re already thinking of Claire’s Law?

Just tell him it’s not working and move on.

ArnieLinson · 14/01/2024 23:27

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:20

He's also v complimentary about ex says she is an amazing woman, loved her more than children so something not adding up for me. Of course love is complex but there are two extremes presented

He is very complimentary over his manipulative liar violent ex?

red flags everywhere with this guy.

honestly, dont bother with clairs law. You know something isnt right. End it.

Original poster

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:40

@ArnieLinson yes I find it very confusing, it's just not adding up. I think you are right.

OP posts:

fatherliamdeliverance · 14/01/2024 23:53

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:20

He's also v complimentary about ex says she is an amazing woman, loved her more than children so something not adding up for me. Of course love is complex but there are two extremes presented

What an odd thing to say. If nothing else he doesn't understand that you're not his therapist and it isn't appropriate to go on about his complex feelings for his ex girlfriend to you. Do you really want such a messy situation? I'd take control and move on.

kittensinthekitchen · 15/01/2024 00:08

Kolbie · 14/01/2024 23:12

He did say that and yes it would be embarrassing of course but I have nothing big to hide if that makes sense.
When I asked him whether she would say he was violent he said 'I'm not sure what she would say but she is manipulative and a liar like all addicts' he then repeated that she was aggressive and violent.

Show quote history

never mind, sorry, misread.

TTCSoManyQuestions88 · 15/01/2024 00:21

Leave him. Only 7 dates in, you haven't wasted too much time. It's all way to messy: gambling, violence, kids, SS involvement. He may be totally innocent in all this except he would have played a part in this chaos even by just putting up with it. And it will complicate the future, why do this to yourself?